Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

Discussion in 'All Things Boats & Boating' started by brian eiland, Oct 29, 2006.

  1. Rurudyne
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    Rurudyne Senior Member

    Heh, time travel.

    You know, I've long said if I had a time machine I'd use it to play practical jokes.

    Like finding that an Egyptian tomb is about to the opened for the very first time and using the time machine to plant an offering of Twinkies where the conspicuous "historically correct" sealed box is obviously ancient but the Twinkies inside still fresh.

    Or maybe arrange to discover some cave paintings ... which included a portrait of Giorgio Tsoukalos.
     
  2. steve123
    Joined: Dec 2014
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    steve123 Junior Member

    Funny workshop C*** Up !

    This really happened: I was chief engineer at a boat building company in the uk, had 14 engineers in my team.
    Had one guy come to me and say "Steve i think i've made a bit of a C*** up" so i go to look. We had a bow thruster pattern for the cut-out which located on middle spray rail, he located it on the top spray rail which was above the water line...ha ha they dont work so well in the air !
    Bit of a major repair but had to see the funny side.
     
  3. Rurudyne
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    Rurudyne Senior Member

    One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

    When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

    But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

    Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

    From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.

    Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.

    Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

    The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

    "Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat damned truck!
     
  4. Rurudyne
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    Rurudyne Senior Member

    An old, blind cowboy wandered into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

    He found his way to a bar stool and ordered a shot of Jack Daniels.

    After sitting there for a while, he yelled to the bartender: “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

    The bar immediately fell absolutely silent.

    In a very deep, husky voice, a woman next to him said: “Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

    1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
    2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
    3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
    4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
    5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

    Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?”

    The blind cowboy thought for a second, shook his head and muttered: “No … not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
     
  5. steve123
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    steve123 Junior Member

    Three newly wed couples staying at a Honeymoon hotel on their wedding night.
    The first guy on seeing his new wife undress made comment on the size of his wifes huge breasts to which she took offence and sent him out to the balcony. The second guy on seeing his new wife undress commented on her huge backside, to which she responded by kicking him out to the balcony. The two guys are chatting when the guy next door is sent to the balcony, so one guy said to him " I guess you put your foot in it" the reply "No but i think i could have".
     
  6. Rurudyne
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    Rurudyne Senior Member

    One day a man saw an ad in a Houston newspaper for a Porche for sale ... for $50!

    Expecting the worst he called to arrange to see the car.

    He was shocked when he found it in pristine condition, less than a year old and low mileage.

    So he asked the woman selling the car if the price was really right. She said it was; but, she wanted cash. Did he have $50 on him?

    He eagerly handed her the money and watched as she was filling out the title transfer.

    "Do you mind me asking why you're basically giving the car away?"

    "What? Oh, of course. My husband, Bob, called me and said he'd run away with his secretary and wasn't coming back and he wanted me to sell his Porche and send him the money. So that's what I'm doing."
     
  7. PAR
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    PAR Yacht Designer/Builder

  8. Pericles
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    Pericles Senior Member

    Background: JD Wetherspoon is a very successful pub chain in the UK, where it's possible to eat & drink at a cost almost less than you can at home. Their breakfasts are marvellous & it's fun to watch the inebriates on their second pint of cider at 8-30 am.

    Subject: Lunch

    A group of guys, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed they would meet at Wetherspoon’s in Tunbridge Wells because the waitresses had very large breasts and micro-mini-skirts....

    Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoon’s in Tunbridge Wells because the food and service was good and the beer selection excellent.

    Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoon’s in Tunbridge Wells because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet, and it was good value for money.

    Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoon’s in Tunbridge Wells because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

    Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoon’s in Tunbridge Wells because they had never been there before.
     
  9. Tiny Turnip
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    Tiny Turnip Senior Member

    What is a pirate's favourite letter of the alphabet?

    Well, you'd think that it would be the AAARRRR!

    but in fact a pirate's first love is the 'C'
     
  10. RHough
    Joined: Nov 2005
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    RHough Retro Dude

    As the little pirate comes to the door trick or treating ... the woman says "Oh a cute Pirate! Where are your buccaneers?"

    "Under my buccan hat!"

    Someone else says "What's a buccaneer?"

    "A hell of a price to pay for corn."
     
  11. Rurudyne
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    Rurudyne Senior Member

    A Corn Star : any successful comic known for corny jokes
     
  12. brian eiland
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    brian eiland Senior Member

    1 person likes this.
  13. lewisboats
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    lewisboats Obsessed Member

    EEWWWW... but funny!
     
  14. Pericles
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    Location: Heights of High Wycombe, not far from River Thames

    Pericles Senior Member

    This is where it hits the fan

    In a train from London to Manchester an American was berating

    the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

    "The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy.

    You set yourselves apart too much.

    You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us.

    Look at me... I'm me! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood and some Spanish blood.

    What do you say to that?"





    The Englishman lowered his newspaper and replied:

    "How very sporting of your mother!" :p
     

  15. SukiSolo
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    SukiSolo Senior Member

    Mmmmm, interesting, Pericles as a half English, quarter French, quarter Danish, Englishman.......;)

    Trouble is I don't do the stiff upper lip very well.....:) but I'll keep away from UKIP jokes..... or they'll make me emigrate.....;)
     
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