Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't
know what hole I'm on."

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6." He thanked her and continued playing golf. On the back nine he got lost
again.

He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13." Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living.

"I'm in sales."

He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?"

She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh.
He promised. She said, "I sell tampons".

He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.

She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".
He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you."

 

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get some PR.
After his talk he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.

"Stanley," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Stanley?"

"I have 4 questions: First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?

Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"

Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when ½ of all Americans don't have health insurance?

Just then, the bell rings for break.

George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after break. When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, It's question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name. "Little Johnnie" he responds.

"And what is your question, Little Johnnie?"

"Actually Sir, I have 6 questions: First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?

Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance?

Fifth, why did the break bell go off 20 minutes early?

And sixth, what the f happened to Stanley?"

 

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

 

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

 

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the Telkom guy wants to buy Mom."

 

I had a bunch of Australian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.

Short line.

Just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated.

He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two hunat dolla for yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations"

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too!"

 

Va-va-va-vroom

Va-va-va-vroom

Mention Ferrari and images of sleek, red road machines come to mine.

That's the way the Italian sports car maker likes it. And it is not amused
that a French woman has registered the word Ferrari as a surname.

If the woman toiled away in anonymity, Ferrari probably wouldn't have
batted an eye. But Lolo Ferrari makes her living on the French nightclub
circuit, where her breasts are a major attraction. At a surgically-enhanced
130 centimeters, its no surprise.

When she changed her name from Eve Valois and registered the Ferrari
name with France's National Industrial Property Institute, the carmaker
decided enough was enough.

Lolo's lawyer, Serge Potaut, doesn't know what the fuss is all about.

“There can be no question here of competition, imitation, or an attack on
the image of the Ferrari car trademark”, he said.

“The only common denominator she could possibly have with the car is on the chassis level,...but there is no risk of confusion.”

 

Used to see her on my favorite TV show, Eurotrash but she died in 2000

 

Now THAT is a marine application !

 

Another case of the Enzo justifying the queans.

Why can't anything called Farrari survive without additional front bumper blocks?

 

A burglar breaks in to a house, having watched the owners drive away dressed up for a night out.

As he's creeping through the supposedly empty house he stops in his tracks when he hears a voice

Jesus is watching you

He's thinking about running but the house is absolutely silent - He thinks he must have imagined it.

You know you shouldn't be here, and so does Jesus

He shines his light around the room and there is definitely nobody there

Jesus doesn't like what your doing

His heart is beating so hard it feels like it's going to burst his chest open, he strains to locate the voice in the dark...

Jesus will be very angry with you


Hey, Who is that, Who's there? as he shines the light wildly

SATAN!

Satan?

Will you give Satan what he wants?

Satan wants my soul?

Satan wants a Cracker

What the ...
and then the faint beam of his flashlight catches the shape of a large birdcage in the corner with a sheet draped over the top and suddenly it all makes sense - he walks over and pulls the sheet back to find a Parrot.

Satan wants a Cracker, Satan wants a Cracker

You stupid bird, you damn near gave me a heart attack...


Satan wants a Cracker, Satan wants a Cracker

And what sort of idiot calls his parrot Satan...

The same idiot who calls his Rottweiler "Jesus"

 

Well I was thinking they might be considered as built-in buoyancy vests (boating content... )

 

That's right ! That's why you want to cling to them. For safety reasons of course. You cannot be any safer than buoyancy built into the crew ! It also sports a double backup system as well, functional under any and all conditions. You don't even have to wait for bad weather and it will keep you very safety conscious all the time.

 

"Hilda is dead, and here's something to note: you can't bury her at sea, 'cause her bosoms will float." -- The Private Eyes (1980)

 

Manure... An interesting fact

Manure : In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything
had to be transported by ship and it was also before
the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large
shipments of manure were quite common.


It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a
lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it,
not only did it become heavier, but the process of
fermentation began again, of which a by product is
methane gas of course.


As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can
see what could (and did) happen.Methane began to
build up below decks and the first time someone came
below at night with a lantern, BOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it
was determined just what was happening

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped
with the instruction ' Stow high in transit ' on them, which
meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower
decks so that any water that came into the hold would not
touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ', (Stow High In Transit)
which has come down through the centuries and is in
use to this very day.


You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I, .....I had always thought it was a golf term