Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

Discussion in 'All Things Boats & Boating' started by brian eiland, Oct 29, 2006.

  1. hoytedow
    Joined: Sep 2009
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    hoytedow Carbon Based Life Form

    Walmart can have some odd characters in there, especially at 3 o'clock in the morning. :)
     
  2. Angélique
    Joined: Feb 2009
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    Location: Belgium ⇄ The Netherlands

    Angélique aka Angel (only by name)

    Ah, The Time Machine, that would make them catch up Nikita and Mao . . .​
    [​IMG]
    But . . . David Filby says . . . .​
    ‘‘ George... I speak to you as a friend – more as a brother... if that machine can do what you say it can, destroy it. Destroy it George before it destroys you! ’’
    So, what would be the best advice to Angie & Fredrik in this matter . . . ? ?
    Cheers ;)
    Angel
     
  3. Angélique
    Joined: Feb 2009
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    Location: Belgium ⇄ The Netherlands

    Angélique aka Angel (only by name)

    [​IMG] . . . Well, the real story is that Angie is sitting on a Porta Potti and is in heavy labor, Fredrik couldn't stand the smell and is turning his head . . . [​IMG]

    Cheers,
    Angel
     
  4. ancient kayaker
    Joined: Aug 2006
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    Location: Alliston, Ontario, Canada

    ancient kayaker aka Terry Haines

    . . . I can read his lips "there's gotta be a proper dunny round the next bend . . . what the heck's she groaning about?"
     
  5. Angélique
    Joined: Feb 2009
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    Location: Belgium ⇄ The Netherlands

    Angélique aka Angel (only by name)

    Fredrik found one . . .

    [​IMG]

    Cheers,
    Angel
     
  6. ancient kayaker
    Joined: Aug 2006
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    Location: Alliston, Ontario, Canada

    ancient kayaker aka Terry Haines

    The Green Thing

    This is going the rounds of the web, I got it as an e-mail so I can't link to the original. I actually remember this stuff . . .


    CHECKING out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older woman that she should bring her own shopping bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment. The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this green thing back in my earlier days."

    The cashier responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."

    She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day. Back then, we returned milk bottles, pop bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

    We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every shop and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks. But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.

    Back then, we washed the baby's nappies because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 240 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that young lady is right. We didn't have the green thing back in our day.

    Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the county of Yorkshire. In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the post, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn petrol just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she's right. We didn't have the green thing back then.

    We drank water from a fountain or a tap when we were thirsty instead of demanding a plastic bottle flown in from another country. We accepted that a lot of food was seasonal and didn’t expect that to be bucked by flying it thousands of air miles around the world. We actually cooked food that didn’t come out of a packet, tin or plastic wrap and we could even wash our own vegetables and chop our own salad. But we didn't have the green thing back then.

    Back then, people took the tram or a bus, and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their mothers into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint. But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?



    To which I have to add -

    Milk and bread were delivered to the door on a horse-drawn cart; the horse made a nice job of trimming the grass along the edge of the kerb. I could play in the street (there isn't space anymore because of cars parked both sides).

    On the other hand, we burned sulphur-loaded coal in an open fireplace: trees and buildings were black with soot and smokey fogs (called smog) occurred regularly every Winter - only when one killed off a few hundred sick and old folk was something done about it.

    Those were the days!
     
  7. Wavewacker
    Joined: Aug 2010
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    Location: Springfield, Mo.

    Wavewacker Senior Member

    Wife took the I/O out from the dock to meet me at another dock. She called and said it wasn't running right and told her to ask for the mechanic I knew at her destination. She inquired about the malfunction and the mechanic told her the plugs were missing, She then asked who would take them? TRUE!
     
  8. hoytedow
    Joined: Sep 2009
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    hoytedow Carbon Based Life Form

    Harry Reid's library?
     
  9. hoytedow
    Joined: Sep 2009
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    Location: Control Group

    hoytedow Carbon Based Life Form

    As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.







    I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year
    old next door, whose bedroom looks like Misson Control and asked him to come over.

    Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the
    problem.

    As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong ?

    He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

    I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless
    enquired,


    'An, ID ten T error ? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'


    Eric grinned ....
    'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

    'No,' I replied.


    'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
    ï¿1´2
    So I wrote down:


    ID10T


    I used to like Eric, the little *******.
     
  10. myark
    Joined: Oct 2012
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    Location: Thailand

    myark Senior Member

    I received a compliment note on my windscreen after parking my boat trailer;
    It said “parking fine”
     
  11. Bamby
    Joined: Jun 2009
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    Location: USA near Wheeling, W.V.

    Bamby Junior Member

    One day an old German Shepherd started chasing rabbits and before long, discovered he was lost. Wandering about, he noticed a young panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

    The old German Shepherd thought, "Uh oh! I'm in deep trouble now!"

    Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settled down to chew on them with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther was about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaimed, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

    Hearing this, the young panther halted his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror came over him, and he slunk away into the trees.

    "Whew!" said the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

    Meanwhile, a squirrel, who had watched the whole scene from a nearby tree, figured he could put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he went to spill the beans and strike a deal.

    The young panther was furious at being made a fool of and said, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and watch what I do to that conniving canine!"

    Now, the old German Shepherd saw the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thought, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sat down with his back to his attacker and pretended he hadn't seen them yet. Just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd said…

    "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

    Don't mess with the old dogs! Age and skill always overcome youth.
     
    1 person likes this.
  12. dskira

    dskira Previous Member

    If you think life is bad. How would you like to be an egg?
    * You only get laid once.
    * You only get eaten once.
    * It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft.
    * You share your box with 11 other guys.
    * But worst of all.... The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother.
     
  13. ancient kayaker
    Joined: Aug 2006
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    Location: Alliston, Ontario, Canada

    ancient kayaker aka Terry Haines

    Things that keep me awake at night

    Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    I went to a bookshop and asked the lady to show me where to find the self-help books, but she said that would defeat the whole purpose.

    What if there were no hypothetical questions?

    Is there another word for synonym?

    What was the best thing before sliced bread?

    Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
     
  14. Pericles
    Joined: Sep 2006
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    Location: Heights of High Wycombe, not far from River Thames

    Pericles Senior Member

    This isn't funny, but some will nod their heads in rueful agreement.

    SCHOOL
    1957 vs 2013



    Scenario:
    Johnny and Mark get into a fight after school.

    1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends.

    2013 - Police called, and they arrest Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programmes for 3 months. School governors hold meeting to implement bullying prevention programmes.



    Scenario:
    Robbie won't sit still in class & disrupts other students.

    1957 - Robbie sent to the office and given six of the best by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

    2013 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADHD – result deemed to be positive. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and school gets extra funding from government because Robbie has a disability.



    Scenario:
    Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

    1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

    2013 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care; joins a gang; ends up in jail.



    Scenario:
    Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

    1957 - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with. Passes exams, becomes a solicitor.

    2013 - Police called, car searched for drugs and weapons. Mark expelled from school for drug taking. Ends up as a drop out.



    Scenario:
    Johnny takes apart leftover fireworks from Guy Fawkes night, puts the gunpowder in a paint tin and blows up a wasp nest.

    1957 - Wasps die.

    2013 - Police & Anti-Terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly in an airplane again.


    Scenario:
    Johnny falls over while running during morning break and scrapes his knee.He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. She hugs him to comfort him.

    1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing footie. No damage done.

    2013 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy and ends up gay.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    This should be sent to every e-mail address you know, to remind us all of just how stupid we have become.

    Cordially,

    Perry
     

  15. hoytedow
    Joined: Sep 2009
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    hoytedow Carbon Based Life Form

    You said it, Brother!
     
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