Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

The New suit

Nice threads, man," commented Donald when his buddy showed up one day in a snappy new suit.

"Where'd you pick'it up?"

Jim beamed, "My wife got it for me. Pretty sharp, huh?"

"I'll say. What was the occasion?"......

"Got me," admitted Jim with a cheerful shrug. "I came home from work early the other day and there it was, hanging over the chair in the bedroom."

 

Introducing Google Nose

 

Kimosabe, buffalo come!

Tonto jumps off his horse and puts his ear to ground. He Looks up and says to Kimosabe, buffalo come. Kimosabe says, how can you tell that Tonto? Tonto says " GET SOME IN EAR" LOL !!!




Tonto was sitting inside the tent confering with the Medicine Man as the Lone Ranger lay striken with rattlesnake poison outside.

Tonto: Kimosabe sick with bad medicine from rattlesnake that bite Kimosabe on tip of manhood. What Tonto do to save Kimosabe?
Medicine Man: You, Tonto, rub medicine pouch on tip of Kimosabe's manhood.
Tonto: Hmm! OK!
Medicine Man: You, Tonto, suck bad medicine out of tip of Kimosabe's manhood. Kimosabe live.
Tonto: Hmm! OK. I go to Kimosabe!
Lone Ranger: What did Medicine Man say, Tonto?
Tonto: Medicine Man say Kimosabe die!

 

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The

devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished

the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes

him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is

finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she

writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is

finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got

to call the USA so cheaply. The devil smiles and replies, "Since Obama

took over, the whole country has gone to hell, so it's a local call.

 

DIALOGUE BETWEEN A SOCIAL WORKER LADY INTERVIEWER WITH A SENIOR MALE BEER DRINKER:

Lady Interviewer: Do you drink every day?

Man: Yes.


Lady Interviewer: How much a day?
Man: Around 3 six-packs starting at noon.


Lady Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost?
Man: Roughly $10.00 at a deli.


Lady Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that?
Man: 15 years.


Lady Interviewer: So with a six-pack costing $10.00, and you consuming
3 six-packs a day, you are spending roughly $900 each month. In one year,
you would then be spending $10,800, correct?
Man: Correct.


Lady Interviewer: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 on beer, not accounting for inflation, 15 years puts your spending roughly $162,000; correct?
Man: Correct.


Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink for the
last 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?

___________________________________


Man: Do you drink?
Lady Interviewer: No.

Man: So where's your Ferrari?

 

Here's a puzzle that has confounded even the brightest among us.
You are on a Horse, galloping at a constant speed.
On your right side is a sharp drop off.
And on your left side is an Elephant traveling at the same speed as you.
Directly in front of you is a galloping Kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it.
Behind you is a Lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
See answer below. . . .



Get your drunk butt off the merry-go-round!

 

Stop drinking....Kangaroos dont gallop

 

thanks powerabout,
it must of just looked that way from my perspective

 

Someone actually looked it up. Probably didn't know how to spell it... LOL

 

Jamal's mom: Get down!

Jamal: I can't!

Jamal's mom: Why not?


Jamal: It's a camel, not a duck!

 

Old Dog

An old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.


The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep **** now!"


Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the oldGerman Shepherd exclaims loudly,


"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"


Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.


"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"






Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.


The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.


The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"


Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...


"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"




Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

Bull **** and brilliance only come with age and experience.



Of course, I am in no way insinuating that you are old, just 'youthfully challenged'.

You did notice the size of the print, didn't you?

 

That was FUNNY

They probably do on Merry-Go-Rounds ....but it has been quite a while since I checked it out....drunk or sober

 

Kangaroos H O P. So does the quadripedal horse on a merry go round. Look closely, sober or drunk. It Hops.

 

A quadripedal horse would have to be drunk to hop . . .