Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

Discussion in 'All Things Boats & Boating' started by brian eiland, Oct 29, 2006.

  1. ancient kayaker
    Joined: Aug 2006
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    Location: Alliston, Ontario, Canada

    ancient kayaker aka Terry Haines

    A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: “Talking Dog For Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

    The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.


    “You talk?” he asks.

    “Yep,” the Lab replies.

    After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, “So, what's your story?”

    The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted tohelp the government, so I told the CIA.”

    “In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.”

    “I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...”

    “But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening-in.”

    “I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.”

    “I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.”


    The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

    “Ten dollars,” the guy says.

    “Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”

    “Because he's a bull-shitter. He's never been out of the yard.”
     
  2. hoytedow
    Joined: Sep 2009
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    hoytedow Carbon Based Life Form

    How many octopodes does it take to install a lighting element?


    0.125.
     
  3. philSweet
    Joined: May 2008
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    Location: Beaufort, SC and H'ville, NC

    philSweet Senior Member

    but you need a khtapodipult to get 'em in position.
     
  4. ancient kayaker
    Joined: Aug 2006
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    Location: Alliston, Ontario, Canada

    ancient kayaker aka Terry Haines

    The octopus has 8 arms. Then there's the octopoop . . .
     
  5. hoytedow
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    hoytedow Carbon Based Life Form

    .. who doesn't give 8 ****s.
     
  6. hoytedow
    Joined: Sep 2009
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    hoytedow Carbon Based Life Form

    The Cow, the Ant and the Old Coot

    A cow, an ant and an old coot are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.
    The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"
    The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!
    ...
    ....
    ...

    ...
    ...


    ...
    ...


    Why are you scrolling down?

    It's your turn to say something.
     
  7. troy2000
    Joined: Nov 2009
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    troy2000 Senior Member

    "You must spread some reputation around before giving it to hoytedow again...":(
     
  8. hoytedow
    Joined: Sep 2009
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    hoytedow Carbon Based Life Form

    I stole that joke. :eek:
     
  9. brian eiland
    Joined: Jun 2002
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    Location: St Augustine Fl, Thailand

    brian eiland Senior Member

    Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day.

    Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
     
    1 person likes this.
  10. troy2000
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    troy2000 Senior Member

    ...and telling lies.:)
     
  11. rxcomposite
    Joined: Jan 2005
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    rxcomposite Senior Member

    In short, Teach a man to fish and he start to learn how to tell lies.
     
  12. brian eiland
    Joined: Jun 2002
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    Location: St Augustine Fl, Thailand

    brian eiland Senior Member

    Wasn't the question, ...:confused:

    Are all fishermen liars,...
    ...or do all liars fish :D
     
  13. ancient kayaker
    Joined: Aug 2006
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    Location: Alliston, Ontario, Canada

    ancient kayaker aka Terry Haines

    That's like the old one "how long is a piece of string?"

    - the answer to that one is, "as long is it needs to be so it just doesn't quite reach . . ."


    (don't you love the way long threads eventually turn philosophical . . .?)
     
  14. ancient kayaker
    Joined: Aug 2006
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    Location: Alliston, Ontario, Canada

    ancient kayaker aka Terry Haines

    You know you are a boatbuilder when . . .

    There's a great thread on the WoodenBoat Forum titled "You know you are a boatbuilder when . . . "; here are a few quotes from it -


    -You consider "Nature Hikes" in the forest to be "tree reconnaissance" missions as winning the lottery

    - you get a bag of firewood, and stop your wife about to throw a lovely piece of beech in that'll make a fantastic chisel handle one day.

    - during windy days you take the long way home past 'that Oak branch that's been precarious for a while' just in case you can nab it.

    - you see a bathtub shrine on someones lawn, and all you can see is a potential lead pot.

    - you develop the ability to identify which tool just dropped on the floor by the sound.

    - your wife asks you to help clean house for the party and you start getting the workshop ready for the boatbuilding tours

    - you don't buy that nice wooden boat that is for sale for $2000 because you can built it yourself for $6000 and spend 2 years doing it.

    - you feel guilty as hell when a day or two goes by and you didn't even open your shop door for some reason(s).

    - you wade the river, and come home with locust crooks

    - the fire alarm activates and you dash into the workshop and save the boats, while yelling to the wife "ARE YOU ALRIGHT LOVE".

    - you lay wide awake at 2am because you just figured out the perfect way to carve that stem

    - you recognize every kind of lumber by the taste of it's sawdust.

    - the closer you get to finishing your 36' sailboat, the more you keep eying the lead roof of the local church

    -you get as much pleasure from standing at the boat launch explaining to a curious boater whose design it is and how you built it than you do from using it.
     
    Last edited: Mar 13, 2013
    1 person likes this.

  15. whitepointer23

    whitepointer23 Previous Member

    A penguin takes his car to the garage. While he is waiting he buys an ice cream to cool down a bit. On his way back to the garage he trips and spills it down his front. At the garage the mechanic says to the penguin . You blew a seal . The penguin replied. I certainly did not. That is just ice cream.
     
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