Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

It must have been a No. 2 pencil.

 

I thought he worked it out with a slide rule.

 

I think he means it's a statement about politics that is 'incorrect' -- as in wrong.....

 

Two animals met in the forest. One said to the other, "I'm blind
what kind of animal are you?" The other replied "I don't know,
I'm blind too".

The first animal suggested they take turns feeling and describing
each other to try to work out what they were.

First animal: "Let's see now, you have long ears, a fluffy tail,
nice fur all over".

Second animal: "Fur, long ears, fluffy tail - why, I'm a rabbit.
At last I know what I am. Now it's your turn. Hmm, you're long,
smooth, slippery, and covered in diamond shapes".

First animal: "Smooth, slippery, covered in diamonds? Oh no, I'm
a televangelist!"

 

Nah, that would have been a root . . .

 

There's been the usual spate of Internet jokes inspired by the news that, that UK supermarket Tesco's 'all beef hamburgers' contained 30% horse meat:


I was so hungry, I could eat a horse and I guess Tesco just listened!

Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yay or neigh?

Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle.

Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger. So I had £5 each way!

Had some burgers from Tesco for my tea last night ... I still have a bit between my teeth.

A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco. Her condition is said to be stable.

Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn

"I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer ... AND THEY'RE OFF"

Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers,as shoppers confuse barcodes for serving suggestions.

Said to the missus, These Tesco burgers give me the trots...!.

"To beef or not to beef, that is equestrian".....

A cow walks into a bar and the Barman says, "Why the long face?" Cow says "Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!"

I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse d'oeuvres.

These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit....Talk about flogging a dead horse!

What do you call a burnt Tesco burger? A Black Beauty

My doctor told me to watch what I eat, so I went out and bought tickets for the Grand National.

On reading the repot of horse meat in Tesco burgers one of their managers said " It’s an unbridled disaster!"

After a taste test of several brands of burger, the one from Tesco's won by a short head.

I don't argue with the mob. I don't wanna wake up with a Tesco's burger in my bead.

What are the odds on finding horsemeat in a burger?

Lot of fuss about nothing. There's been horsemeat in burgers for donkey's years.

You think the burgers are bad - you should try the quarter pandas.’

I'm nervous about going to Tesco's, since I had the cold I've beenl a little hoarse.



- I figured I'd take a short break to pass these on for you folk but now it's back in the saddle for me . . . Terry

 

It is time to rein in the Tesco jokes.

 

The funny thing is, you can't taste the difference.

The Romanians banned horse and carts on their roads so as to be accepted into the EU, and coincidentaly EU food is full of Romanian horse meat.

Here in Great Britain, we are very lazy at learning other peoples languages, yet supermarkets like to impress us with exotic words on their packaging.
Tesco have been selling their finest spaghetti bolognese quaintly labelled as “Le Palle de Nonno” and “Coglioni di Mulo”.

In Italian this means "Grandfather's balls", and "Donkey's bollocks."

 

Here, if you like langosta you might like lobster, or you might like something else.

 

Boom boom joke :

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey."

The horse says "Sure."

 

The Cornish 3 Kick Rule

An English lawyer went duck hunting in Truro . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in England and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Cornwall. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."


The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

 

Confession

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at
work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in
there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are
in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my
baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them
for?"
Boy - "$1,000"

The father says, "That's terrible to over charge your friends like
that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that **** again; you're in my closet now."

 

i says, "Be rational."
Pi says, "Get real".

 

Mathematical jokes are the root of all evil.