Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 10.16am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

Thankyou for your letter concerning pets in my apartment. I understand
that having dogs in the apartment is a violation of the agreement due to
the comfort and wellbeing of my neighbours and I am currently
soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons as I realise my dogs can
cause quite a bit of noise. Especially during feeding time when I
release live rabbits.

Regards, David.



From: Helen Bailey
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Pets in the building

Hello David

I have received your email and wish to remind you that the strata
agreement states that no animals are allowed in the building regardless
of if your apartment is soundproof. How many dogs do you have at the
premises?

Helen



From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 1.52pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

Currently I only have eight dogs but one is expecting puppies and I am
very excited by this. I am hoping for a litter of at least ten as this
is the number required to participate in dog sled racing. I have read
every Jack London novel in preparation and have constructed my own sled
from timber I borrowed from the construction site across the road during
the night. I have devised a plan which I feel will ensure me taking
first place in the next national dog sled championships. For the first
year of the puppies life I intend to say the word mush then chase them
violently around the apartment while yelling and hitting saucepan lids
together. I have estimated that the soundproofing of my apartment should
block out at least sixty percent of the noise and the dogs will learn to
associate the word mush with great fear so when I yell it on race day,
the panic and released adrenaline will spur them on to being winners. I
am so confident of this being a foolproof plan that I intend to sell all
my furniture the day before the race and bet the proceeds on coming
first place.

Regards, David.



From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 9.43am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, I am unsure what to make of your email. Do you have pets in the
apartment or not?

Helen



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 11.27am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

No. I have a goldfish but due to the air conditioner in my apartment
being stuck on a constant two degrees celcius, the water in its bowl is
iced over and he has not moved for a while so I do not think he is
capable of disturbing the neighbours. The ducks in the bathroom are not
mine. The noise which my neighbours possibly mistook for a dog in the
apartment is just the looping tape I have of dogs barking which I play
at high volume while I am at work to deter potential burglars from
breaking in and stealing my tupperware. I need it to keep food fresh.
Once I ate leftover chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container
and I experienced complete awareness. The next night I tried eating it
again but only experienced chest pains and diarrhoea.

Regards, David.



From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 1.46pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Hello David

You cannot play sounds of dogs or any noise at a volume that disturbs
others. I am sure you can appreciate that these rules are for the
benefit of all residents of the building. Fish are fine. You cannot have
ducks in the apartment though. If it was small birds that would be ok.

Helen



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 2.18pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

They are very small ducks.

Regards, David.



From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 4.06pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, under section 4 of the strata residency agreement it states that
you cannot have pets. You agreed to these rules when you signed the
forms. These rules are set out to benefit everyone in the building
including yourself. Do you have a telephone number I can call you on to
discuss?

Helen



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 5.02pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

The ducks will no doubt be flying south for the winter soon so it will
not be an issue. It is probably for the best as they are not getting
along very well with my seventeen cats anyway. .

Regards, David.



From: Helen Bailey
Date: Monday 25 May 2009 9.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, I am just going to write on the forms that we have investigated
and you do not have any pets.

Helen




---- End of Forwarded Message

 

A woman comes home and tells her husband, ‘Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.'

'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'

His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat,
' I do not have a headache '
' I do not have a headache '
' I do not have a headache '

Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'

Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.
His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and
see if he can do anything for that? '

Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed
and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!'

The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.'

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning ' OH MY GOD ' She proclaims.

Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying.

'She's not my wife '
'She's not my wife '
'She's not my wife ' .
'She's not my wife '

His funeral service will be held on Saturday.

 

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana.

The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up,having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here?
We're having a great time downstairs!'
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered...

'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!!'

 

Presidential Curse


Look what happens when a President gets elected in a year with a "0" at the end. Also notice it goes in increments of 20 years.

1840: William Henry Harrison (died in office)
1860: Abraham Lincoln (assassinated)
1880: James A. Garfield (assassinated)
1900: William McKinley (assassinated)
1920: Warren G. Harding (died in office)
1940: Franklin D. Roosevelt (died in office)
1960: John F. Kennedy (assassinated)
1980: Ronald Reagan (survived assassination attempt)
2000: George W. Bush (?)

And to think that we had two guys fighting it out in the courts to be the one elected in 2000.

You might also be interested in this. Have a history teacher explain this if they can.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Now hang on to your seat.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford'.
Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln' made by 'Ford'.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
What a coincidence!

 

A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you connect me to the
person who gives information about patients. I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse." The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?" "Sarah Finkel, room 302."
"I'll connect you with the nursing station." "3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"
"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302." "Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."
The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic... that's wonderful news!" The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!"
"Neither! I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me anything.

 

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch they need to
purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving to
check out a good prospect, the brunette tells her sister, "Now, when I
get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after
me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.

After paying him the $599 asking price, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a
telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, and
then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette has only $1 left,
meaning she'll only be able to send her sister a one-word message. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word...'comfortable'."

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to
know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word,’ comfortable'?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. The word's big. She'll
read it slowly...out loud... ("com-for-da-bul")."

 

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. “Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"

 

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find
out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a
cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed
to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we
discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was
too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up
appeared that said: You got Male.

 

American Medical Profession opinions of the financial bailout package in the USA:

* The Allergists voted to scratch it.
* The Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
* The Gastro entomologists had sort of a gut feeling about it.
* The Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
* The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.
* The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
* The Pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead body!' while the Paediatricians said, 'Oh, grow up!'
* The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness.
* The Radiologists could see right through it.
* The Surgeons thought certain parts should be cut out.
* The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow.
* The Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'
* The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward.
* The Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
* The Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.
* The Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
* In the end, the Proctologists decided the decision was best left up to the ***holes in Washington to sort out.

 

Edwin Booth, brother of JWB, saved the life of the son of Abraham Lincoln.
http://www.historynet.com/edwin-booth-saved-robert-todd-lincolns-life.htm

 

When so many 'coincidents' take place I often ask myself what are the chances - or is there a deliberate bigger Hand letting these things happen as they do to tell us hey, you are being watched !

 

Not me, you! Don't look round . . .

 

It is like 1984 in Tampa, with all the cameras going up prior to the RNC convention.

http://www.tampabay.com/news/localg...or-republican-national-convention-but/1217881

 

A coincidence is just a series of events that you did not expect - common terminology in USA seems to be "Collateral Damage" or Oops elsewhere

 

What did the fish say when he swam into the concrete wall?