Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

Just say "hoss" to avoid confusion.

 

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three
likely candidates.. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to
see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her
hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely
for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for
him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts... She gets him a new set of
golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As
she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on
him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the
$5,000... She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a
joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because
she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the
money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know.

 

This one sure as hel made me think of YOU guys LOL/

*Sanity Test:*

During a visit to the mental hospital, I asked the Director 'How do you determine whether or not a patient should be admitted to the hospital.'

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we give a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the drain plug.

Well........ Do you want a bed near the window?'

 

Doubtful. I don't think he would have branded it Menage a Trois.

 

In the cold and dark winter of Sweden, a boy was very late to school. His teacher asked him why. The boy explained: "The road was so icy, that for every step I took forward, I slipped two steps back.." So the teacher asked; "Well then, how did you get here?". The boy answered - "I gave up and turned back home" .

 

Good one.

 

I do like absurd....

A American tourist comes in Mexico City and decides to watch a bullfight at the Plaza de Toros. By luck he seats next to a Mexican who speaks some English.
Very kindly the Mexican explains to the tourist all the process of a lidia. Meantime the tourist looks at the bloody show feeling disgusted and sorry for the poor animal.
He asks: There is something I do not understand, why the bull does run to the piece of cloth?
- Señor, Mexican toros never run into the capa. They are clever animals. They never care of someone moving a piece of red cloth. But, yes, the Spanish cows get mad when seeing a red cloth.
- Wait, the animal here is a bull?
- Yes, un toro muy bravo (very fighter).
- And you say that Mexican toros never charge a red piece of cloth?
- Señor, Mexican toros are very short tempered. Very bravos. And they hate to be taken for Spanish cows. So they get very angry.

 

That is absurd.

 

For sure. Made for. The fight bulls charge anything that moves.

 

The teacher should have told him "turn your back when your facing me!"

 

Surley there is enough here for a joke book.

 

- at 1000 jokes per, volumes 1 thru' 6 of The Joke Encyclopedia and a start on volume 7!

 

Children Are Quick
____________________________________

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
... GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago
WINNIE: Me
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie...... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,
but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIE: Because George still had the axe in his hand?
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your
brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No sir, it's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people
are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher?

 

> FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER
> 8 years old
> Hateful little *******
... > Bites!
>
> FREE PUPPIES
> 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog
>
> FREE PUPPIES
> Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd
> Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound
>
> COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED
> Also 1 gay bull for sale
>
> JOINING NUDIST COLONY
> Must sell washer and dryer £100
>
> WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE
> Worn once by mistake
> Call Stephanie