Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

Jesus is watching you


Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes", said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot:
"What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

 

"I do not know, what I do not know!"

 

What is the difference between a good secretary and a VERY good secretary ?
The good secretary says 'good morning sir !'
A VERY good secretary says 'good grief sir, it's aleady morning !'

 

A Chicken crossed the road and met James Bond.
The chicken said : What's your name ?"
Bond, James Bond. What's yours?
Ken, Chick Ken

 

Old guy with a nice chick goes into the gym and calls one of the instructors to one side.
He asks him which machine can he operate to impress the girl.
Instuctor checks him up and down and tells him just around the corner
is an automatic teller machine.

 

Good one Troy,

The police came to the guy's house and asked if he had a photo of his wife.
He got it. The Cop said: "Sir it looks like your wife was run over by a Truck!"
The guy said: "Yeah, but she's a great cook and a good bed partner!

 

Two guys in a store looking for a lost wife.
One guy describes his wife as middle aged etc.
The other guy describes his wife as young, shapely, blonde.....etc.
The oder guy says: "Lets look for your wife. I think that would be a better find!"

 

When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come.
My brother said they would have been better off eating beans.
(William, age 7)

 

Happy Indepependence Day!
The Redcoats are coming -
- but not today . . .

 

Same to you, ancient, but a little late. Sorry. I didn't think you had an independence day because you still have the crown on your license plates. Now I know better.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Canada_Day

 

It's a historical thingy

I had to look at my license plate: goodness gracious, it's still there. Well I never! I thought we got rid of that stuff in 1982 when the Constitution Act repatriated the Canadian constitution, whatever that is. That was a fun time, followed with rapt interest by two or three people across the country that I never met.

Here’s the story, but a bit of background first. Our Prime Minister of the day was a French-speaking chappie; We are at least 80% Anglophone here so we feel we should have a French PM at least 80% of the time in reparation for our sins. Oh crap: now I'm in trouble - I forgot the First People . . .

Anyway, the PM felt bad that we were still writhing under the iron heel of the British colonialists and demanded total freedom from the oppressors on our behalf. The problem was neither the British nor the vast majority of Canadians had any idea where the Canadian constitution was kept or that it was in England. Howls of rage from the Canadian PM, suggestions of “why don’t write one yourselves” from the evil Brits, who seemed to have forgotten that they had conquered half the World in a fit of absent-mindedness a few centuries ago. "I thought Canada was part of the US" mused one well-informed individual.

They tried to get away with comments like "where the hell is Canada anyway?" but we persisted. Finally it was located, dug out and dusted off and sent over the Atlantic to cries of triumphant joy from our PM. A vast wave of relief swept through the ranks of our government and diplomatic services, and another vast wave of apathy swept over the Canadian population. Rumor has it that one of the Brit TV channels actually mentioned it on a news program, although they would certainly have stuck to tradition and got the details wrong.

Naturally, the first thing we did was rewrite the entire thing. It might have made far more sense if we had simply staged a nice, peaceful revolution, or just flipped the Brits the bird - we call that a New York Blessing here - but we would have had our feelings badly hurt if nobody had noticed. So this more convoluted scheme was cooked up instead. I am reliably informed that several people did notice although I have never met a Brit who knew the first thing about it. Sigh!

I really must write to my Member of Parliament about this crown on the license plate business. How outrageous that this last remnant of our subjugation should continue, even if we don’t notice. She might even do something about it one day, but I won’t hold my breath as she has about 7 other full-time jobs. We tossed the last MP out because she was totally committed to the job and those kind of people can become a nuisance, don’t you know . . .

 

On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on.

She went to her husband, a retired MARINE and asked, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up from his newspaper and said "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said, Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out."

She giggled and said "That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"

He looked her up and down and said,
" Mission Accomplished."

 

Only Ontario has the crown ..... Quebec has the fleur-de-lis ... the rest of us pay no homage to foreign crowns!!

 

Très Bien.

 

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129"

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129"

The priest apologised, "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."