Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

Lawyers, U Gotta love them
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________________________ __

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you serious?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you serious? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like
to rephrase that?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

 

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now need to enter a password.
Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as he typed:

P...*...*...*...*

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:


**** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

 

Oiiiii

AND lol on Boston's comment

 

In Northern Australia a man walks into a bar with a crocodile on a leash.
"Excuse me," he said to the barman, "Do you only serve Australians in this bar?"

"Nay mate, we're a multi cultural country we serve any nationality, so what can I get you?"

Man replys, "I'll have a beer and a wog for me croc!"

 

http://www.theonion.com/articles/report-98-percent-of-us-commuters-favor-public-tra,1434/

 

What is a wog? Sorry for being an UMI.

 

Wog

Sorry Aussie joke, probably not understood anywhere but Oz.

Aussie slang for a person who is not an Australian.

 

Long ago it used to mean a bloke who was not English - they used to start at Calais I believe ...

 

In my opinion and my experience you're sanitizing the word a little (in spite of the honorable George Wiggs' opinion that anyone from continental Europe was a wog).

Back when Moby Dick was a minnow and I was in uniform, the Aussies I knew used the term 'wog' when referring to people who were darker-skinned (particularly those from India), but not seriously black.

 

Teacher, Maria come out here and find America on the chart.

Maria comes out and points to America!!

Teacher very good now who can tell me who discovered America

Class --- Maria !


Teacher to Tomy your essay on "my dog" is exactly the same as your brothers , were you copying his work.

No sir , its the same dog.

 

Somali Pirates Hit SA !

The Herald reports that: Somali pirates have extended thier reach through long range , high speed craft as far as Port Eliabeth.

Thier latest hostage victims were paddleski fishermen off Sardinia Bay, Port Elizabeth. The pirates demanded a ransom initially from the MEC for Coastal Affairs and Fisheries, Ms Portia Mabandla, only to be told that the Government were not interested as the Paddleski sport was still a sexist male dominated sport and practised by minorities.

She would however negoitiate a pritate exchange deal with Somaliia for more representitive quotas- especailly if they could send women pirates. She conceded that she would accept thier fishing skis, as they were trying to cut costs on the R177 million alterations planned for the Presidential home which included a modest inland port.

The ski fishermen escaped with thier lives by protesting that they were fishing in an MPA and were thus protected, further to this they gave the pirates the National Sea Ransom Institutes number which they duly called and were picked up. Unfortunately for Ms Mabandla the President is being given an Olympic swimming pool instead of a modest inland port. 5 evolution fishing ski's -fully equipped -For what have you.

Call Department of Assests and Redistribution before end of work today 1 st April 2011- receipts will be provided.






April fools day I got from another forum
Not too far fetched for SA though...

 

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. So, after Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with ya Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really loved that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday . I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."

 

My turn. What's a UMI?

 

I don't know either but I was afraid to ask - in these politically correct days it's hard to get an education

 

A lot can be found on Internet Slang, but not 'UMI'

Cheers,
Angel