Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

George W. Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously he goes to hell, where
the Devil is waiting for him.

'I'm not sure what to do' says the Devil. 'You're on my list, but I have no
room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let
someone else go.
I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you
decide who leaves.'

George W. thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The Devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of
hot water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his
fate in hell.
'No!' said George W. 'I don't think so, I'm not a good swimmer and d on't
think I could stay in hot water all day.'

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer
and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.
'No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if
all I had to do was break rocks all day.' commented George W.

The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the
floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a
spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does
best.

George W. Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally said ,
'Yeah, I can handle this.'

The Devil smiled and said, 'OK, Monica, you're free to Go'!!!!

 

Single men should be taxed more than married men, its not fair that some men should be happier than others.

 

A precious little girl walks into a Pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth:
"Excuthe me,mither,do you keep widdle wabbits?"

*
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his kneesso that he's on her level and asks:
"Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes,rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees,leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice:

"I don't think my python weally gives a thit!"

 

You may have heard that the internet got switched off in eGypt.

It's now just called Gypt!

 

Weapons of Mass Destruction
Check out this page for more:

http://www.coxar.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/

 

* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and then leaves.

* SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person...

* SWAMP DONKEY.
A deeply unattractive person..

* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

* OH-NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (e.g. You've hit 'reply all').

* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

* MYSTERY BUS....
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.

 

Working in the IT industry.......
1. We work weird (night) shifts...
Like prostitutes.

2. They pay you to make the client happy...
Like a prostitute.

3. The client pays a lot of money, but your employer keeps almost every
penny...
Like a prostitute.

4. You are rewarded for fulfilling the client's dreams...
Like a prostitute.

5. Your friends fall apart and you end up hanging out with people in the same profession as you...
Like a prostitute.

6. When you have to meet the client you always have to be perfectly groomed...
Like a prostitute.

7. But when you go back home it seems like you are coming back from hell...
Like a prostitute.

8. The client always wants to pay less but expects incredible things from you...
Like a prostitute.

9. When people ask you about your job, you have difficulties to explain it...
Like a prostitute.

10. Everyday when you wake up, you say: "I'm not going to spent the rest of
my life doing this."


Like a prostitute ........



And of course, when the client doesn't screw you, the boss does.

 

Entries in a register at a hospital in SA
Actual writings in Mpumalanga Hospital Register
1. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 11kgs weight gain in the past three days.
5... She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
7. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
9. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
10. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. The patient refused autopsy.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

 

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.

As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.

"The bottle has a hole in it!"

"What about the PC?"

"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.

"And it's missing three keys,"

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."

 

To better understand Men
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will
fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in.
Calling the AA is not an option. I will win.
______________________________________________
Because I'm a man , when the car isn't running very well,
I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what
I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say
to the other, 'I used to be able to fix these things, but now
with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know
where to start.' We will then drink a couple of beers and
break wind, as a form of holy communion.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone
to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and
moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so
for you, this is no problem.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic
groceries at the store, like beer, milk or bread. I cannot be
expected to find exotic items like 'cumin' or 'tofu.' For all I
know, these are the same thing.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops
working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that
this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person
gets here and has to put it back together..
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote
control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been
misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.....though
one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.....
( applies to engineers mainly).
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm
thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars,
sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when
you ask, so don't ask.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or
have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she
calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever
you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it.
And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the
movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't
...and if you are feeling amorous afterwards..then I will
certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I
thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine,
too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it,
looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2010, I
will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry,
the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes,
and I'll do the rest....... Like wandering around in the garden
with a beer wondering what to do.

 

Julius and the Pope

The Pope and Julius Malema are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Julius and says, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Julius replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me."

So the Pope slapped him.

 

Dear Mr Reaper,

I'm very sad. You took away my favorite actress, Farrah Fawcett & my favorite pop singer Michael Jackson. Followed by my favorite actor, Patrick Swayze. Still that wasn't enough. You then took my favorite boy band singer, Stephen Gately & my current favorite actress, Brittany Murphy.

Mr Reaper, I made p...eace with this, but please remember that Julius Malema is my favorite future politicus.

Regards

 

A true story:

Deborah Patta recently interviewed Julias Malema, below is just one of the questions she asked Julias(The ANC youth league president).

Deborah Patta: Julias, if you had failed grade 12 would you have committed suicide?

Julius: Me commit a suicide?... I'd rather kill myself than doing such a horrible thing.

 

Guts or Balls...

There is a medical distinction..
We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the *** and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions... Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

 

Was up before, but still good...

There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig."Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears."Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY.

I can`t stand to see a grown man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting, so my boss fires me. When I went to the parking lot to leave, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.

I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you, you *** hole, show up and drink the whole thing in one gulp!

But enough about me, how's your day going?"