Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

For many years a certain white whale and a tiny herring had been inseparable friends. Wherever the white whale roamed in search of food, the herring was sure to be swimming right along beside him. One fine spring day the herring turned up off the coast of Norway without his companion. Naturally all the other fish were curious, and an octopus finally asked the herring what happened to his whale friend.

"How should I know?" the herring replied. "Am I my blubber's kipper?"

 

Another boat joke:

Captain Kidd and his crew were on the high seas when they were attacked by Blackbeard, their arch enemy.

The first shot by Blackbeard's gunners took off Kidd's forward mast. The second shot splintered the center mast, and the third desintegrated the rear mast.

Panic stricken, one of Kidd's men asked what they should do.

"We have no choice but to surrender", replied the pirate, "He's using weapons of mast destruction!"

 

I see you're raising the stakes ... I may not be up to the challenge

 

Mercy Hospital in Chicago is run by a group of nuns who came from Australia. Through the years the years they have gone out of their way to maintain ties with their native land -- putting up a large map of the country in the recpetion area, and serving Australian tea from tins decorated with koala bears.

One night a patient calls a nun into his room and tells her how much he likes the hospital and the care. But he has one small complaint: he found some leaves in his tea.

"Oh," the nun says, "the koala tea of Mercy is not strained."

 

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

 

A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice. Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied. Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."

 

Two vultures board an airplane; each is carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

 

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

 

Surrender!

 

Never!

 

OK. More specifically ... I surrender

 

AFTER QUASIMODO DIED......

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed.

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally. He ascended into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, the bishop decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringer's job.

The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" "No matter," said the man, "observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.

The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed to the dead man's side. When the bishop reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, someone asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

"I never learned his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."

<groan groan groan>

WAIT! You want more, you say?

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell-ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you allow me to honor his life by choosing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he gasped, clutched at his chest and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

"What happened?" the first asked breathlessly. "Who is this man?"

"I don't know his name," wailed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

 

Next time you fly somewhere...

1- Remove your lap top from its bag
2- Open the laptop slowly and carefully
3- Turn on
4- Ensure the passenger next to you is watching
5- Turn on the Internet
6- Close your eyes for a brief moment, open them again, turn your gaze upwards to the skies as if in prayer
7- Take a deep breath and open this site:
<http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html
8-Observe the facial expression of your neighbouring passenger

 

I don't think I'll do that.....

 

A South African farmer came upon this guy who had stopped his car and was drinking water from a dam on his land.
"Hey jy, stop, moenie die water drink nie, dis vol bees en donkie kak en besmet met cholera" (translated - stop drinking the water, its full of cattle and donkey **** and contaminated with cholera)
"Excuse me mate, I'm an Australian from OZ supporting my rugby team here in your nice country, can you perhaps translate what you said in English please"

to which the farmer replied: "use both your hands, that way you can drink more"