Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

My gun-toting beer-swilling, wife-abusing neighbour moved several years back. Then another one replaced him! That one moved last year and we all feel a lot safer now. Being part of the problem does not solve the problem. Some non-gun owning people get shot, but most of the people who are shot own guns themselves.

 

You are absolutely correct in that most of the people hurt by guns have guns themselves - gang related/criminal related stuff.
Now, to associate gun ownership with beer swilling ( I swill a few and own at least thirty guns and thirty lower receivers) and wife abusing is another thing. I actually find, like Freud, that people with a fear of guns to be the ones who need help. Hoplophobia is the term for it, characterized by self-evident irrational responses to real-life situations, and is frequently seen in the news media and public debate. When a criminal commits a crime using a gun, hoplophobes often say things like "Being part of the problem does not solve the problem" and seek to disarm, or make lists of, innocent people who didn't do anything - a common, classic and irrational response. There does seem to be many more of these poor souls in congested areas - cannot imagine anyone growing up in a conventional, healthy country life being afraid of a gun or attributing fallacious generalizations to a gun owner. Why kids that grew up not knowing what grass smells like desire to debase freedom, as manifested by gun ownership, is a question only a professional could answer but we do run into more of this as another symptom of the times erupts - urban sprawl.
I have a solution; city dwellers build taller, denser apartment complexes and ride the Metro to coffee shops/progressive worker rallies, latest art opening,

(14,000 tampon chandelier, Belem Cultural Center)
and the backbone of civilization, the people who grow and build things, stay out of the cities. Problem solved!
Back to jokes? Put a gun joke up, maybe, if it makes you feel better...

 

Do you think those women looking at that shandelier feel emotional about it

Mark, the day they tell you you cannot have a fire arm is the day they tell you you do not have the right to defend yourself.

 

Mark: I associated gun-toting, beer-swilling and wife-abusing with my neighbours. We were happy to see them go on all 3 counts. It was a bad combination. I am not afraid of guns, just the people who seem to need them. I am unable to distinguish between your right to defend yourself with a gun and your ability to attack me with a gun. A gun is a weapon, not a wall decoration, fetish or prayer object. There's only one use for it. I live in a low-crime, low-violence area and want to keep it that way.

The guy who posted the sign pointing out his neighbour's lack of guns and boasting of his (or hers) is just asking to be burgled: and when it happens there will be more illegal weapons on the street. I believe there is a strong relationship between the number of guns in a neighbourhood, and the number of guns in a neighbourhood. Guns have a tendency to progress down the food chain.

I will shoot anyone who denies me the right to my beliefs. Would you trust me with a gun?

 

Not loaded and mine loaded, yes

 

Ancient,

You can check statistics, places where guns were 'banned' has a higher crime rate than places where people are allowed fire arms ! Here, they want every one to retire their personal weapons, the problem is that the criminals keep their illegal fire arms, so those without weapons people become soft targets.

The only thing putting a damper on gangs raiding areas is the owners defend themselves !

If you want to keep your neighborhood peacefully and crime free then keep your gun. It is an insurance policy under your own control.

Since they brought back 'shoot to kill' in SA I can tell you there is definitely a reduction in crime in our area. I haven't had a nightly visitor in over a month now, which is a record ! Oh and I actually slept last night.

If you don't want the responsibility of contributing to your family or your own safety then don't deny someone else the privilege. It is one of the few rights you have left.

 

Sounds like a personal problem. Fortunately for you, I am able to distinguish between my right to defend myself with a gun and my ability to attack you with a gun....

I think you have some pretty shaded ideas about guns and gun owners. I'm about to turn 61 years old. My father gave me a .22 rifle when I was five years old, and I've owned guns ever since. Not a single one of my fairly large collection has ever 'progressed down the food chain,' because they're either locked in one of my safes or under my personal control. Strangely enough, I still haven't gotten around to shooting anyone, either--even when I'm swilling beer. And if I ever tried to beat my wife, she'd probably shoot me--with one of my own guns, instead of getting hers all dirty.

By the way, I live in a high-crime area. But some reason, the crime rate drops to zero at my fence line--and it's been that way for over twenty years. Isn't that odd?

 

Ahem....this thread is supposed to be about Boat jokes...or at least jokes in general. I believe I am correct in saying it has drifted oh so slightly and really should be put back on track. Not really a joke but at least amusing...

New High School Exit Exam, you only need 4 correct to pass.

High School Exit Exam...!!


(Passing requires 4 correct answers)





1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?


2) Which country makes Panama hats?



3) >From which animal do we get cat gut?



4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?



5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?



6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?



7) What was King George VI's first name?



8) What color is a purple finch?



9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?



10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?







Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass.











Check your answers below ...











ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ









1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years







2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador




3) >From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses










4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November








5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur









6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs









7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert










8) What color is a purple finch ? Crimson












9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand (Kiwis)














10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)














What do you mean, you failed? Me, too.



















(And if you try to tell me you passed, you FIB!)












Pass this on to some brilliant friends, so they may feel useless too.

 

Bathroom wisdom

Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University , Durham , NC

If life is a waste of time,
and time is a waste of life,
then let's all get wasted together
and have the time of our lives.
Armand's Pizza, Washington , DC

Fighting for peace is like
screwing for virginity.
The Bayou, Baton Rouge , LO

No matter how good she looks,
some other guy is sick and tired
of putting up with her ****.
Men's Room
Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill , NC

At the feast of ego
everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson , AZ

It's hard to make a comeback
when you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus,
Wickenburg , AZ

Make love, not war.
-Hell, do both
GET MARRIED!
Women's restroom
The Filling Station, Bozeman , MT

If voting could really change things,
it would be illegal.
Revolution Books
New York , New York

If pro is opposite of con,then what is the opposite of progress?
Congress!
Men's restroom House of Representatives,
Washington , DC

Express Lane:
Five beers or less
Sign over one of the urinals
Ed Deb evic's, Phoenix , AZ

You're too good for him.
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom
Ed Deb evic's, Beverly Hill s , CA

No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
Ed Deb evic's, Beverly Hill s , CA



~~~ and perhaps the most realistic one ~~~

A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles,
you're going to have trouble with it
Women's restroom
Dick's Last Resort, Dallas , TX

 

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE
WHEN YOU'RE OLD
AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi,was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again..

"Hello,I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team,a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George , "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story) I LOVE IT!
Don't mess with old people.

Live well, laugh often, love much!!!

 

IT headaches

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.

Tech support: Are you running it under windows?

Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'

===============

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?

Customer: A white one..



===============

Customer: Hi, this is Celine .. I can't get my diskette out.

Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?

Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.

Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.

Customer: No , wait a minute. I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry...

==============


Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.

Customer: Your left or my left?


===============

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?

Male customer: Hello... I can't print.

Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and....

Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

===============

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it.


============== =

Customer: I have problems printing in red..

Tech support: Do you have a color printer?

Customer: Aaaah.......................thank you.

===============

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?

Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

===============

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.

Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?

Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.

Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.

Customer: ! OK

Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?

Customer: Yes

Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?

Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah. that one does work.

===============

Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.

Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

===============

Customer: I can't get on the Internet.

Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.

Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five dots.

===============

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?

Customer: Netscape.

Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.

Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer.

===============

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.


===============

Tech support: How may I help you?

Customer: I'm writing my first email.

Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?

Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?


~~~And last but not least...~~~

Tech support: 'Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'

Customer: I don't have a P.

Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: What do you mean?

Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

 

Colonoscopy

{when I read this I almost didn't need MoviPrep}

ABOUT THE WRITER
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .



Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.


I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'


I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.


I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.


Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.


The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'


This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.


MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.


After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.


The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.


At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..


Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.


When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.


Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.


'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.


I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.


Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.




On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:


1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

And the best one of all:
12. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?

 

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

 

Gonna have to argue with you on one of those.

Chinese gooseberries are native to South China. They were renamed kiwifruit when they started being grown in New Zealand.......

 

The
population of this country is 300 million.



160
million are retired.



That leaves 140 million to do the
work.




There are 85 million in school.




Which leaves 55 million to do the work.





Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal
government.




Leaving 20 million to do the work.




2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied
with killing Osama
Bin-Laden.



Which leaves 17.2
million to do the work.




Take from that total the 15.8
million people who work for state and city
Governments. And that
leaves 1.4 million to do the work.




At any given
time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.



Leaving
1,212,000 to do the work.



Now, there are 1,211,998 people
in prisons.





That leaves just two people to do the
work.





You and me.



And there
you are,



Sitting on your ***,




At your computer, reading jokes..



Nice. Real nice.