Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

E - MOONING!!

We all know those little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:

means a smile and

is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by



:-(

Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'

(_!_) a regular ***

(_ _!__) a fat ***

(!) a tight ***

(_*_) an *** hole

{_!_} a swishy ***

(_o_) an *** that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ***

(_X_) leave my *** alone

(_zzz_) a tired ***

(_E=mc2_) a smart ***

(_$_) Money coming out of his ***

(_?_) Dumb ***

 

Are you perhaps bored enough to google a few things...

Go to your google search bar and type this "go find chuck norris" then look at the top result

How about another type in "askew"

Or try this one "do a barrel roll"

A few examples of what they're teaching collage kids in school

 

Some folks feel the points system is a joke, Poida!

 

Australians might find this amusing. Google for:
What defines an English person

 

Found Chuck Norris; or did he find me?

 

You led me to Magpie Lane. Interesting.

 

not a boat joke but a good one.. a man is sitting in the park when a little girl walks past with a cat and a dog towing a red toy trailer. the mans says what do you have here, the girl replies it is my fire engine and these are my horses. he notices the dog has a lead around his neck but the cat has a lead around his testicles, the man says i think the cat will be faster if you put the lead round his neck, the girl replies, but then i won't have a siren.

 

Here are my answers...I got most of them I think.

 

Pretty darn good job "you did far better than I did". I did edited the link in above from the source. Rock On

 

What I suspected for 2 and 11 were right but I totally couldn't get 9 and 13

 

they say that pepper spray and wearing bells to announce your presense are good non lethal defenses against black bear, but not grizzly. Learning to tell the difference in their spoor is wise precaution. Black bear spoor has small bird and fish bones and seeds from berries. Grizzly spoor is full of bells and smells like pepper.
Wise words from Yobarnacle

 

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise
coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom
door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this
thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen
counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that
area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked: 'What the f@!* are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'

 

collegue sent me this today

This is the answer to fight off " FLU".

How To Avoid The
Eat right!
Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.
Walk for at least an hour a day..
Go for a swim..
Take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
Wash your hands often.
If you can't wash them,
Keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
Get lots of fresh air.
Open doors & windows whenever possible.
Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
Get plenty of rest.

OR
Take the doctor's approach..
Think about it...
When you go for a flu shot,what do they do first? They Clean your arm with alcohol...

Why???

Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS..
So......

I walk to the liquor store... (exercise)
I put lime in my lager... (fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary... (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the bar patio... (fresh air)
Tell jokes, laugh... (eliminate stress)
Then pass out... (rest)
The way I see it...
If you keep your alcohol levels up
Flu germs Can't get you!

My grandmother always said...
'A shot in the glass
Is better than one in the ***!'
Now wasn't that GOOD advice?

 

Reminds me of the preacher who offered a bum twenty bucks to show up at church on Sunday and be a bad example.

The preacher brought him up to the pulpit, and started carrying on about how booze and sinning had destroyed the poor man's health and life. Then he picked up a bottle of whiskey, poured a shot, grabbed the bum and dumped it into the bum's eye.

The bum screamed and ran out the back, and the preacher continued his sermon. "Think about it, my brothers and sisters. If booze does that to a man's eyes, imagine what it must do to your stomach."

Meanwhile the bum found the church's kitchen, and washed his eyes out. Then he dug around in the cabinets until he found an old box of corn flakes, and headed back to the pulpit.

He sneaked up behind the preacher, grabbed him in a headlock, and started grinding corn flakes into his eyes. Over the preacher's screams, the bum told the congregation: "remember, folks. If this is what corn flakes do to your eyes, imagine what they must do to your stomach."

 

aah! that's got me laughing out loud!