Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency. Our largest condom factory has exploded! the Russian President cried. It's my people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!

Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you, replied the President.

I do need your help said Putin. Could you possibly send 1,000,000condoms ASAP to tide us over?

Why certainly! I'll get right on it,said Bush.

Oh, and one more small favor, please? said Putin.

Yes?

Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10 long and 4 inch diameter? said Putin.

No problem, replied the President.

Mr. Putin hung up and started laughing with his aides about how those stupid Americans will fall for anything.

George hung up and called the President of a condom company. I need a favor. You've got to send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia.

Consider it done, said the president of the condom company.

Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10 long and 4 wide.

Easily done. Anything else?

Yeah, said the President, print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE: SMALL' on each one!

 

Hello Wynand,

I think you got this one wrong...


Two 90 yr. old men decided to go to there local ***** house one more time before it was to late. They drove to the place together & went in, The Madam asked can I help you guys

The old fellows replied Yes we would like to get screwed one last time before we die.

The madam said no problem, so after they paid she indicted two doors, one for each to go through.

They went through the doors, only to find themselves back outside, both doors 'clicked' shut behind them. Amazed they looked back at the doors and there's the sign...

'YOU JUST
GOT SCREWED'

 

Hello Fanie, long time no hear....hoe gaan dit verder en wat het van Manie geword?

 

Hello Wynand,

Just biding my time... Manie said he's quite busy, his yacht is not fisnished yet.

 

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, Hans Oluffsen's Laundry.
Hans Oluffsen?, he muses. How in the world that name fits in here? So he decides to walk into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.The tourist asks, How did this place get a name like Hans Oluffsen's Laundry?

The old man answers, Is name of owner.

The tourist asks, Well, who and where is the owner?

Me...is right here,replies the old man.

You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Oluffsen?

Is simple, says the old man.Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, What your name? He say, Hans Oluffsen.
Then she look at me and go, What your name?

I say... Sem Ting.

*************************************************

A Frenchman, an Italian, and a Scotsman were out at the beach. Suddenly they spied a beautiful mermaid sunning herself in a shoal.

The Frenchman walked up to her with desire in his eyes and said,Beautiful mermaid, have you ever been keesed?

The mermaid said No, I haven't.

So the Frenchman said, Zen I weel show you. And the Frenchman kissed the beautiful mermaid passionately for half an hour.

Then the Italian spoke up. Mermaid, have-a you ever been fondled?

The mermaid said No,

So the Italian said Then I will-a show you. And the Italian passionately fondled the mermaid for half an hour.

Then the Scotsman spoke. Byootiful mairmaid, have ye ever been skrooed?

The mermaid said, No, I haven't.

To this the Scotsman replied, Well ye have now, the tide went out an hour ago!

********************************************

As a mother passed her daughter's closed bedroom door,she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, What in the world are you doing?

The daughter replied, Mom, I'm thirty-five years old,unmarried,and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband.Please, go away and leave me alone.

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room,he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband.! Please, go away and leave me alone.

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked, What the hell are you doing?

The husband replied, I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law.

 

A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned that somebody would need to make a positive identification. That task fell to George's two friends, Joe and Al.

Joe: He's burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over. Joe looked at the dead man's buttocks and said, Nope, that ain't George.

Thinking the incident strange, the mortician straightened up the body and said nothing. He brought in Al.

Al: Wow, he's burnt to a crisp. Roll him over. Again, Nope, that ain't George.

Mortician: How can you tell?

Al: George had two arse holes.

Mortician: What? How could he have two arse holes?

Al: Everybody knew George had two arse holes. Whenever the three of us would go into town you'd hear people say, Here comes George with those two arse holes!

 

I stole this somewhere...

Virtually every inhabitant of modern Western societies learns something about what hieroglyphs are supposed to look like, as in the Simpsons episode “Simpsons Bible Stories”:

Skinner: All right, read me back what I have so far, Mrs. Krabapatra.
Krabappel: Bird, bird, giant eye, pyramid, bird.
Skinner: Mmm-hmm, very good. Uh, giant eye, dead fish, cat head, cat head, cat head, guy doing this …
[strikes the "walk like an Egyptian" pose]

 

Journal of Universal Rejection.

You can send your manuscript here without suffering waves of anxiety regarding the eventual fate of your submission. You know with 100% certainty that it will not be accepted for publication

http://www.universalrejection.org/

Maybe some okes can send their boat designs here

 

- a fine public service, in these days of universal mediocrity somebody is at last setting pointlessly unachievable goals. I think I will send them your previous posting -

Bird, bird, giant eye, pyramid, bird. giant eye, dead fish, cat head, cat head, cat head, Egyptian Arabesque"

- we will see how fluent they are in that language.

 

LOL Ancient, just because you don't understand hieroglyphs doesn't mean the rest of us don't either !

 

So any one looking for lessons ?

 

Ha ha Vulkyn, would like to see the first lesson though

Reminds me of the guy who claims he can make dumb people talk.
Dumb guy goes to him. He takes a hammer and hit the guy on the foot.
Dumb guy shouts AAAA!
He says good.... come back for the B tomorrow.

 

LOL !!!

Well didn't think any one would call my bluff, my hieroglyphic is a bit rusty ... haven't used it in emmm around 2000+ years .... i am sure i will pick it up easily though ...

 

Some questions that were really asked (and interesting answers) about Canada while Vancouver was shooting to host the 2010 Winter Olympics.

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? ( England )
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto, can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only four thousand miles, take lots of water

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ? ( Sweden )
A: Of course it is, we do it all the time. However it's not safe for a natural blonde, so I'll join you: call me at LET-SGO-BABY.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada ? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax ? (England )
A: Cash from a machine? What do you take me for? You might get away with that crack in Newfoundland . . .

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? (USA )
A: The hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary . Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Find a tree, lick off the moss on one side of the track and wait a while, then follow the voices in your head like we do.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ? ( England )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q. What's the capital of Canada?
A. No. That's Who. What's on first.

Q. I meant do you know the capital of Canada?
A. Yes.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: The Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? ( Germany )
A: You won't need it after a while, our beer is alcoholic.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? ( Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. ( USA )
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

 

LMAO !!!!!!!! That's hilarious Ancient thanks for sharing !