Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.

He shouts 'this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!',and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava.
The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts.. 'Did anybody else here see my face?'.

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.

'Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun around.

There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner..

'I think my wife caught a glimpse....'

 

"You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Fanie again."

Yeah, I found out the hard way.

 

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied:

"I didn't bloody recognize you."

 

I didn't know this. I always called them ski masks.
From wikipedia:

A balaclava (pronounced /ˌbæləˈklɑːvə/), also known as a balaclava helmet or ski mask, is a form of headgear covering the whole head, exposing only the face or upper part of it, and sometimes only the eyes. The name "balaclava" comes from the town of Balaklava, near Sevastopol in Crimea, Ukraine.[1] During the Crimean War, knitted balaclavas were sent over to the British troops to help protect them from the bitter cold weather. They are traditionally knitted from wool, and can be rolled up into a hat to cover just the crown of the head.

 

Ha ! Brakpan is a suburb of Jo'burg. Some wild people live there

How do you know you're staying in a Brakpan Motel?
When you call the front desk and say, I gotta leak in my sink, and the clerk replies: 'Go ahead'.

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Brakpan to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a Brakpan murder:
1. The DNA is all the same
2. There are no dental records

Who invented the toothbrush?
A Brakpanner (If it had been invented by anyone else, it would have been called a teethbrush)

Did you hear about the R3 million Brakpan Lottery?
The winner gets R3.00 a year for a million years.

A new Brakpan law was just recently passed..
When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.

Did you hear that the Brakpan Mayor's mansion burned down?
'Ja, almost took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books went poof . . . up in flames and the Mayor hadn't even finished coloring one of them!'


Brakpan Pick-up lines:]
1. "Your pretty eyes is laaik spanners... Evrie taaim I looks at you, my nuts taaiten"
2. " Your dad's nuts must have been chillie because you're hot!!"

What do you call a woman wearing a white tracksuit in Brakpan on a Saturday afternoon?
The bride ......

 

My dogs sleep about 20 hours a day. They have their food prepared for them. They can eat whenever they want, 24/7/365.25. Their meals are provided at no cost to them. They visit the Dr. once a year for their checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this they pay nothing, and nothing is required of them. They live in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than they need, but they are not required to do any upkeep. If they make a mess, someone else cleans it up. They have their choice of luxurious places to sleep. They receive these accommodations absolutely free. They are living like kings, and have absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of their costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.



I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head - Holy Cow, my dogs are Democrats!

 

Net surfing...

 

A boy comes home from school at 7pm, His dad says "where were you? "
"I was with Jessica." He replied.
"What were you doing?"
"We were revising."
After picking a snack off the table the son says "These fishcakes are lovely."
Dad replies "Wash your hands son; they're donuts."

 

You know that I walk(NOT) quite a bit – and enjoy it!



Here are some other folks views on Walking in 2010 !

Happy 2010 – Keep Walkin



by Ron Noyes

(I have a cousin named Walker Allen – I don’t know if he walks much or not!)

The Importance of walking:

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $6,000 per month.

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we have no idea where he is.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year,
spent about 500 dollars.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there!.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, He looks good doesn't he.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a bar with a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

You could run this over to your friends
But just e-mail it to them!
It will save you the walk!

 

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of
ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the
job in the first place.

It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that
he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing
$10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks
he embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks
the bookkeeper where the money is.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Qeens !"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."


Don't you just love lawyers

 

OFFICIAL RECALL NOTICE CANCELLED

SUBJECT – Julius Malema STAMP

The Reported Problem: Stamp Was Not Sticking To Envelopes.

Course of Action: The Premiers Office Allocated R1.5 Million To Test Stamp

FINDINGS
1. The stamp is in perfect order.
2. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive
3. People are spitting on the wrong side.

 

Heard about the new via gra for woman, makes their legs stiff so they can stand longer in the kitchen.

 

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest
of my life!, between the !eg$ of me wife!'


That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the
night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best
toast of the night.'


She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'
John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of my life, sitting in
church beside me wife.'

'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.


The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the
street corner.


The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other
night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You
know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell
asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him
come.'

 

After a British Airways flight reached its cruising altitude, the Captain announced:

'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome
to Flight 293,Non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather
ahead is good, so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit
back, relax and HOLY CRAP !'

Silence followed

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.

'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you.
While I was talking To you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup
of hot coffee in My lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

One Irish passenger yelled,
You should see the back of mine!

 

There was once a man called Jim who was obsessed with tractors. He lived on a farm and dealt with them on a day 2 day basis he had pictures in his room of all different tractors and their machinery he was a real big fan of tractors and his bed spread was even a red tractor spread made for kids...

One morning he woke up and said to himself "Im getting so tired of this, the passion for tractors has gone" he ripped the pictures off his wall and bought a new bed spread. He was sad that his passion had died down and he went to the bar to drink his problems away. He was talking to the bartender (Neil) and Jim and Neil were talking about how much smoke was in the bar. It was a hot box. Neil then said "Man I would give anyone R1000 if they could get rid of that smoke", Jim replied "Really?" Jim proceeded to walk out the bar on a mission. He came back into the bar 1 minute later and all the smoke had dissapeared, Neil said "How did you do that?" Jim replied "It was easy im an ex-tractor fan"