Boating, a mental disorder?

[brian eiland]

DIVINE MADNESS

As a marine professional - one who prepares wood, then applies varnish to so called pleasure boats - I have written to the President of the American Psychiatric Association in the hope he will include a new mental disorder in the next edition of their psychiatric bible, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM).

The little-understood affliction is called Recreational Boat Ownership (RBO). RBO is characterized by some anal retentive/obsessive-compulsive behavior, the use of strange words to describe common structures, objects, and actions, clearly illogical spending habits, and a nearly-perpetual state of denial. There is no known cure.

The obsessive-compulsive nature of RBOs is exhibited by their Sisipheon attempts to keep things "shipshape." It involves the anal retentive use of numerous - and sometimes noxious - liquids and solids to almost constantly clean and lubricate various boat parts. And RBO sufferers uniformly label boat parts with names even stranger than doctors call body parts. As a mental health professional, you'll be shocked to learn that to RBOs, a 'wall' becomes a 'bulkhead', a'ceiling' becomes an 'overhead', and the toilet becomes, simply, a 'head'. Any group which sees their heads as toilets definitely needs help.

Sailboat owners - a subculture of RBOs - are among the worst. They constantly demonstrate classic passive-aggressive signs by not sailing directly into the wind but avoiding such a course with sly manipulations they call tacking. They become models of self-victimization - with traces of a persecution complex - when they encounter no wind. They call that state 'in irons'. And they show their grandiosity by terming bow platforms 'pulpits', and motorized yachts 'stink pots'.

Nowhere have I seen such mental illness as with the people who hire me to prepare and varnish their objects of dementia. Sure, after spending reasonable amounts of good money to have me carefully remove the old finish, finely sand the underlying wood and apply coats of high-quality varnish for an amazingly beautiful finish, they say things like "Great!" "Looks better than new!" and "You've got a true art for restoring neglected wood." But they're only fooling themselves. For at best, an RBO sufferer - like all mankind - can only temporarily conquer the elements.

RBO victims are not in total denial when it comes to their illogical spending habits. Many call their vessels "holes in the water into which you pour money." Yet they keep buying them. And they keep demonstrating their psychosis - their complete loss of touch with reality - by enjoying them. It's proof positive the whole lot is masochistic.

This is why I petition you to list RBO in your next edition of the DSM. At the least, it will make the millions of RBO sufferers eligible for medical benefits under the Americans with Disabilities Act so they can get help.

Many have, instead, spent their last penny getting their latest RBO fix. For these clearly touched souls act out Plato's maxim, listed in his Dialogues, when he opined: "But what is man's logical reasoning, compared to the power of divine madness?""


Fredric Alan Maxwell aka 'Fred the Finisher'
Copyright 2006 by Fredric Alan Maxwell. All rights reserved.
(I met Fred yesterday morning at a coffee shop in Wash DC, and he gave me permission to place this on the forum. Brian)

For those prone to LOL, even at ourselves, I might redirect your attention to a few other funnies at Boat Jokes