BOAT JOKES (we need a few laughs)

[brian eiland]

:D I just noticed there did not appear to be collection point for boat related jokes on this forum. So here goes...

Boating, a mental disorder?


DIVINE MADNESS

As a marine professional - one who prepares wood, then applies varnish to so called pleasure boats - I have written to the President of the American Psychiatric Association in the hope he will include a new mental disorder in the next edition of their psychiatric bible, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM).

The little-understood affliction is called Recreational Boat Ownership (RBO). RBO is characterized by some anal retentive/obsessive-compulsive behavior, the use of strange words to describe common structures, objects, and actions, clearly illogical spending habits, and a nearly-perpetual state of denial. There is no known cure.

The obsessive-compulsive nature of RBOs is exhibited by their Sisipheon attempts to keep things "shipshape." It involves the anal retentive use of numerous - and sometimes noxious - liquids and solids to almost constantly clean and lubricate various boat parts. And RBO sufferers uniformly label boat parts with names even stranger than doctors call body parts. As a mental health professional, you'll be shocked to learn that to RBOs, a 'wall' becomes a 'bulkhead', a'ceiling' becomes an 'overhead', and the toilet becomes, simply, a 'head'. Any group which sees their heads as toilets definitely needs help.

Sailboat owners - a subculture of RBOs - are among the worst. They constantly demonstrate classic passive-aggressive signs by not sailing directly into the wind but avoiding such a course with sly manipulations they call tacking. They become models of self-victimization - with traces of a persecution complex - when they encounter no wind. They call that state 'in irons'. And they show their grandiosity by terming bow platforms 'pulpits', and motorized yachts 'stink pots'.

Nowhere have I seen such mental illness as with the people who hire me to prepare and varnish their objects of dementia. Sure, after spending reasonable amounts of good money to have me carefully remove the old finish, finely sand the underlying wood and apply coats of high-quality varnish for an amazingly beautiful finish, they say things like "Great!" "Looks better than new!" and "You've got a true art for restoring neglected wood." But they're only fooling themselves. For at best, an RBO sufferer - like all mankind - can only temporarily conquer the elements.

RBO victims are not in total denial when it comes to their illogical spending habits. Many call their vessels "holes in the water into which you pour money." Yet they keep buying them. And they keep demonstrating their psychosis - their complete loss of touch with reality - by enjoying them. It's proof positive the whole lot is masochistic.

This is why I petition you to list RBO in your next edition of the DSM. At the least, it will make the millions of RBO sufferers eligible for medical benefits under the Americans with Disabilities Act so they can get help.

Many have, instead, spent their last penny getting their latest RBO fix. For these clearly touched souls act out Plato's maxim, listed in his Dialogues, when he opined: "But what is man's logical reasoning, compared to the power of divine madness?""


Fredric Alan Maxwell aka 'Fred the Finisher'
Copyright 2006 by Fredric Alan Maxwell. All rights reserved.
(I met Fred yesterday morning at a coffee shop in Wash DC, and he gave me permission to place this on the forum. Brian)

[brian eiland]

The following story was found posted at the Club Cruceros in La Paz, Mexico:

The American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied, "Only a little while."

The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish.

The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.

The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, and stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, señor."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spendmore time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats and eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then Los Angeles, and eventually New York where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But señor, how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "Fifteen to 20 years."

"But what then, señor?"

The American laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your companies stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions."

"Millions, señor? Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos.":rolleyes:

[brian eiland]

A young fellow from Oklahoma moves to California and goes to a big 'everything under one roof' department store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Oklahoma."
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did "

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down...

"How many sales did you make today?"
The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. You're going to have to improve considerably or look for another job! How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$112,237.64."

The boss says, "$112,237.64 !! :confused: What the hell did you sell ?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod.

Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the lake, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a new bass boat.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that new Ford pick-up. I asked him how long he was going to be out at the lake and after he said 5 or 6 days I took him down to the RV department and sold him a slide-in camper for the truck."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat, a truck and a camper?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.":D

[brian eiland]

I must go down to the sea again, in a modern high-tech boat,
And all I ask is electric, for comfort while afloat,
And alternators, and solar panels, and generators going,
And deep cycle batteries with many amperes flowing.

I must go down to the sea again, to the autopilot’s ways,
And all I ask is a GPS, and a radar, and displays,
And a cell phone, and a weatherfax, and a shortwave radio,
And compact disks, computer games and TV videos.

I must go down to the sea again, with a freezer full of steaks,
And all I ask is a microwave, and a blender for milkshakes,
And a watermaker, air-conditioner, hot water in the sink,
And e-mail and a VHF to see what my buddies think.

I must go down to the sea again, with power-furling sails,
And chart displays of all the seas, and a bullhorn for loud hails,
And motors pulling anchor chains, and push-button sheets,
And programs which take full charge of tacking during beats.

I must go down to the sea again, and not leave friends behind,
And so they never get seasick we’ll use the web online,
And all I ask is an Internet with satellites over me,
And beaming all the data up, my friends sail virtually.

I must go down to the sea again, record the humpback whales,
Compute until I decipher their language and their tales,
And learn to sing in harmony, converse beneath the waves,
And befriend the gentle giants as my synthesizer plays.

I must go down to the sea again, with RAM in gigabytes,
and teraflops of processing for hobbies that I like,
And software suiting all my wants, seated at my console
And pushing on the buttons which give me complete control.

I must go down to the sea again, my concept seems quite sound,
But when I simulate this boat, some problems I have found.
The cost is astronomical, repairs will never stop,
Instead of going sailing, I’ll be shackled to the dock.

I must go down to the sea again, how can I get away?
Must I be locked in low-tech boats until my dying day?
Is there no cure for my complaint, no technologic fix?
Oh, I fear this electric fever is a habit I can’t kick.

a parody on the poem, Sea Fever (the Call of the Running Tide (http://www.runningtideyachts.com/))

[fewfish]

Here is one.

When building and outfitting goes slowly and it seems it will never be done.
- Don't worry there is not one (boat) that remained ashore.

And when you finally finish with the work you throw it all in the sea.

[SmithCraft64]

So you want a boat? :D
The definition of: B. reak O. ut A. nother T. housand

[Poida]

Two prawns, Harry and Christian were walking along the ocean floor when suddenly "POOF!" Out jumped a Cod. Harry and Christian were startled but the Cod said, "don't be frightened, I am a magic Cod, I can grant you a wish. I can turn you into any other sea creature that you want to be."

Harry was really excited and said, "I would like to be a Shark, because everybody respects a shark and I will be the boss of the ocean."

Suddenly Harry turns into a Shark and swims off.

Turning to Christian, the Magic Cod says, "What about you Christian, what would you like to be?"

Christian shrugged his shoulders and said, "I'm happy being a prawn thanks all the same."

So the Magic Cod left and Christian scuttled off home.

As the months went by Harry was getting tired of being a Shark as nobody liked him and all the other sea creatures were scared of him so he spent months seareching for the Magic Cod so he could be released from his spell.

Suddenly, POOF! the Magic Cod appeared before him. "Please Magic Cod Harry pleaded, please turn me back into a prawn. Harry explained why he hated being a Shark so, the Magic Cod turns him back into a Prawn.

Harry was excited and the first thing he wanted to do was go and see his old friend Christian.

Harry knocked on Christian's door.

"Who's there," cried Christian.

"It's me, Harry your old friend"

"Go away," replied Christian. "You're a Shark, if I open the door you will eat me."

"No, no," said Harry. "I'm a Prawn again Christian."

[brian eiland]

An ambitious I.T. Manager finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. ...at least for a while. A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 4-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do.

So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.

One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowing boat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said, "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowing boat wash up with you."

"It's only me," she said, "and the rowing boat didn't wash up, nothing did."
He was confused, "Then how did you get the boat?"

"Oh, simple." replied the woman "I made the rowing boat out of raw material that I found on the island, the oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-- but, that's impossible," stuttered the man, "you had no tools or hardware, how did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware.

But, enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?" Sheepishly he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.

"Well, let's row over to my place, then" she said. After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no thank you" he said, still dazed, "can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. "Would you like to take a shower and shave, there is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused, "what next?"

When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines --strategically positioned-- and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know... " She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing:


"You mean-- ?", he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?"

[yipster]

and... could he ? :D

One day a blonde was driving down the highway when she saw another blonde on the side of the road trying to row in a boat. The blonde pulled over and said "You know it's people like you that give us blondes a bad name, if I knew how to swim I'd come out there and kick your ass".


A couple was touring a shipyard area in a coastal city of Italy when they saw a strange looking craft. They stopped and asked a worker, "Sir, is that a U-boat? "No," he replied, shesa belonga to da goverment."

[Poida]

Can't let the Boat Joke Thread dissappear. So here goes.

The sole survivor from a ship wreck was washed ashore in a deserlate place in Australia. And we got lots.

For a day he wandered around looking for a sign of life and in particular water.

He finally spotted an Australian Aboriginal, he walked up to him and asked if he could have a drink of water.

"No, can't 'help yer mate, but I got some ripper school ties, like there's this one 'ere from a Catholic College, one 'ere from an Anglican College."

"No," said the man, "I just want a drink of water."
"Sorry, can't 'elp yer cobber," the Aboriginal said. And walked off.

The second day the survivor was on his knees when he spotted another aboriginal.

"I want water," his dried throat rasped.
"Na, sorry mate," said the Aboriginal, "but I got some great bowties, 'ere's a great spotted bowtie, and I got a striped one, and 'ere's a bloody beaudy with little lights."

"No, please," the man pleaded, "I just need some water."
the Aboriginal replied, "Sorry mate, aint got no water." Ans he walked off.

On the third day the man was crawling, hardly able to keep the weight of his body up on his hands and knees.

Great another Aboriginal, surely he has some water.

"Please, water," his dry throat could hardly speak as he repeated, "water."

"G'day mate," said the Aboriginal. "Sorry, can't help you with water, but it's your lucky day, because my mate I have some fantastic ties. Look at this one, silk, of course I have synthetic, look at this inexpensive but smart rayon tie. Of coursae you can't go past this cool looking cotton tie."

"Haa--a--wa--ter," the man said almost inaudible.

"What," said the Aboriginal. "water, sorry mate, no water , just ties."

On the fourth day the shipwreck survivor was dragging himself along the ground and was on the verge of death when he saw in the distance a magnificant hotel. Thinking it may be a mirage he kept going slowly dragging himself forward. Finally he got to the steps leading up to the front door and it was then he realised it was not a mirage because he could feel the hard edges of the stone steps as he dragged himself over them.

He reached the door, without the strength to knock, he feebly tapped on the glass.

The doorman hearing the tapping opened the door.

Finally after four days he was saved, he reached up to the doorman his lips too cracked and dried, to speak.

As the doorman slammed the door in face he said, "Sorry Sir, you can't come in here without a tie."

[Guillermo]

From Scuttlebutt. Just take it the nutty way.

"SCUTTLEBUTT POLL: RULE 69 REVIEW
The....Board is empowered to hand out the
penalties for Rule 69 infringements (Allegation of Gross Misconduct).
Historically, these decisions are made well after the incident. Considering
that the punishment is often harsh, it is imperative that sufficient time is
taken to insure a thorough investigation is completed. However, it is also
during this investigative time where the significance of the event is
gradually lost, and the strength of message that such behavior shall not
occur is lessened. :D :D :D

[brian eiland]

A Wisconsin man was stopped by a Game Warden in northern Wisconsin
recently with two ice chests full of live fish in water, leaving a river well known for it's fishing.

The game warden asked the man,
"Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Nah, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim around for awhile.
Then I whistle and they jump back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of BS. Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment and said,
"It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay, I've GOT to see this."

The man poured the fish back into the river and waited. After several
minutes the warden turned to the man and said,
"Well?"

"Well what?"

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH!"

"What fish?"

We in Wisconsin may not be as smart as some, but we're not at dumb as most."

[tri - star]

Then there's the classic:

" Sir, we seem to have a light...."
" Where ? "
" Dead ahead, sir...."
" Well tell the blighter, we are an aircraft carrier
- and for them to change course !"
" They seem to be refusing....."
" Signal them - that I am the Admiral of the fleet
- and I order them to move aside. Now !!"
'' ....ah...Sir, they are responding....."
" Well, out with it man - what are they saying ?
'' ....we are a Light House..."

Cheers !

[VKRUE]

This was sent to me by a good friend who insisted that as he read it he couldn't help but think of me.... After recieving this (and reading it), I emailed him back asking: "Thinking of me ay ! So then, what were you thinking with regard to MY WIFE" ?

Joe and John were identical twins.
Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.

Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly.
When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery store. A kind old neighbor woman mistook him for John and said:
"I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible".

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.

I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The darn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle!"

The old woman fainted.

[charmc]

Vic,

You are a sick, sick, bastard!! So am I, I guess, 'cause I can't stop laughing...:p :D

Cheers,

Charlie

[westlawn5554X]

The manager of a large shipyard noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

"Jack," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is Jack Darling."

"Okay, Jack, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

[Bergalia]

Not exactly boat jokes - but a selection of one-liners (so I suppose liners count as jokes....)


When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized, God doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'

You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?


Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is 'Walrus', and I am an alcoholic'?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?

Universal Truths

Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly

Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

You never know where to look when eating a banana.

Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed halfway through and then raced against the flush.

Old women with mobile phones look wrong.

You never ever run out of salt.

Old ladies can eat more than you think.

You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.

You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

OK - you can go back to the forum now....:D

[westlawn5554X]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

[Eric Sponberg]

Chemistry Mid-term exam, University of Washington:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof.

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student wrote the following:


First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates what they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2) Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my freshman year that "It will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then 2) cannot be true, and thus, I am sure that Hell is exothermic.



This student got the only A.

[Guillermo]

This student got the only A.

AA! :D

Going a little bit further...if Hell is exothermic, we can obtain work out of it. Perhaps the solution to humankind's need of a definite clean source of energy?...Burning ourselves in Hell...?
More: If we do not provide an ever-growing amount of souls to Hell, the system Hell-Humankind will increase it's entropy, and it will come to a thermodynamical death. Kaput...! Finito...! :( .
That's why we vitally depend on that endless source of souls: Heaven.... ;)
And that's why humankind grows and grows, and sails the oceans, and NA's, ME's, Yacht Designers, etc, are hired and earn money to feed their children, before being sent to Hell themselves to keep the system working....! :D
Cheers!

[Ari]

AA! :D

before being sent to Hell themselves to keep the system working....! :D
Cheers!

There will be an enthalpy point, a point where even with fuel added in there won't be any noticeable change in temperature.

[Guillermo]

Ari,
If, as our student states, Hell keeps its pressure constant not to be broke loose, then Hell is isobaric and the difference in enthalpy (dH) is the maximum thermal energy attainable from the system. That is, the integral of dH over any isobar in state space is the maximum thermal energy attainable from Hell. This is what we could call the heat content of Hell.

If now we keep Hell-Humankind system's entropy (S) at least constant (dS = 0), as to keep it safe from its thermodynamical death, then its dH has to be <= 0, with the equality holding at equilibrium. So the enthalpy for a Hell-Humankind system without the adding of souls will continuously decrease to its minimum equilibrium value.

But following Ms. Therese Banyan's principle ;) , Hell and Humankind are not at equilibrium at all, so the system's enthalpy is increasing. The only way of getting that is by the constant adding of souls to Humankind as the Hell's fuel. That's why we need to include another actor in the Topology of the system: Heaven, as the evergrowing source of souls (particularly NA's and the like), to be sent to Hell....! :D

Now, the real big question is: If Hell is exothermic and Humankind is endothermic, what the Hell is Heaven....? :D :D

[Mychael]

Ari,
Now, the real big question is: If Hell is exothermic and Humankind is endothermic, what the Hell is Heaven....? :D :D

That's sailing around the world, unmolested by pirates, breathing fresh air, in a fast but seaworthy and comfortable boat with a capable and willing( and I do mean "willing") all girl crew.

Mychael

[Ari]

That's sailing around the world, unmolested by pirates, breathing fresh air, in a fast but seaworthy and comfortable boat with a capable and willing( and I do mean "willing") all girl crew.

Mychael

I nearly agree with you about your answers to Guilermo question- after one very solid hypothesis from him but the all girl crew is something very scary to me. Maybe Tahiti and the Tuamotus or sailing in Indonesia with some girls is quite just heavenly enough for me. That is if the two 'dragon' allow me..:o

[Ari]

Ari,
If, as our student states, Hell keeps its pressure constant not to be broke loose, then Hell is isobaric and the difference in enthalpy (dH) is the maximum thermal energy attainable from the system. That is, the integral of dH over any isobar in state space is the maximum thermal energy attainable from Hell. This is what we could call the heat content of Hell.

If now we keep Hell-Humankind system's entropy (S) at least constant (dS = 0), as to keep it safe from its thermodynamical death, then its dH has to be <= 0, with the equality holding at equilibrium. So the enthalpy for a Hell-Humankind system without the adding of souls will continuously decrease to its minimum equilibrium value.

But following Ms. Therese Banyan's principle ;) , Hell and Humankind are not at equilibrium at all, so the system's enthalpy is increasing. The only way of getting that is by the constant adding of souls to Humankind as the Hell's fuel. That's why we need to include another actor in the Topology of the system: Heaven, as the evergrowing source of souls (particularly NA's and the like), to be sent to Hell....! :D

Now, the real big question is: If Hell is exothermic and Humankind is endothermic, what the Hell is Heaven....? :D :D

Wow..what a hypothesis man..these bring back my memories of the lecture hall!

[Ari]

I had nearly forgotten the Boyles Law so I won't quote it here but there is these Balls law that I would like to share with all of you guys.Just correct me if I'm wrong on these law.
" The angle between the balls and the shaft will remain perpendicular if the urge remain constant" so incase there is a deviation in urge factor then the angle will change. Not very sure whether this law are needed in doing boat shaft allignment though!

[Poida]

Bergalia me mate,

I stayed awake all night trying to work this out.

Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

It's got me baffled, can you explain it?

Poida

[Bergalia]

Bergalia me mate,
'Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.'

It's got me baffled, can you explain it?

Poida

Ah Poida - just shows the disadvantage of a colonial upbringing... It's an old Pommie wive's tale - bit like always wearing clean underpants in case you are run over. Rumour has it that a swan can break a man's arm with a flap of its wings. Repeated each time a kid throws bread at the wildfowl on the park lakes. Ranks I suppose with the Aussie 'drop bear'.
;)

[safewalrus]

and, whilst on the subject of confusion I do not understand the Alcholics Anonymouse bit, your name is NOT Walruss he's to nice to be an Alcoholic (Pi**head Yes, Alcoholic No!) - you know the difference between an Alcoholic and a Drunk don't you? - Us Drunks don't have to attend all these stupid meetings!!!:P

[Frosty]

What youve never had your arm broken by a swan? When we were at school we always had a day off because of broken arms by swans.

[Bergalia]

What youve never had your arm broken by a swan?

Nah. Every time I got near a swan it would say: "Take me to your Leda..."
:D

[Eric Sponberg]

I had nearly forgotten the Boyles Law so I won't quote it here but there is these Balls law that I would like to share with all of you guys.Just correct me if I'm wrong on these law.
" The angle between the balls and the shaft will remain perpendicular if the urge remain constant" so incase there is a deviation in urge factor then the angle will change. Not very sure whether this law are needed in doing boat shaft allignment though!

The one we had in college was:

"The angle of dangle is proportional to the heat of the meat and the split of the tit if the mass of the ass is a constant."

[Ari]

The one we had in college was:

"The angle of dangle is proportional to the heat of the meat and the split of the tit if the mass of the ass is a constant."

Wow Eric it's a mouthful tongue twister!;) Somebody mentioned in this forum that a boat swinging from side to side is actually performing a simple harmonic motion, when we are studying about simple harmonic motion, a student suggested that a model doing catwalk is actually performing a simple harmonic motion. He got a standing ovation from the guys but booed by the girls! At the end of the class the girls parade out doing catwalk, what a revealing, I never know till than that simple harmonic motion is actually related to man heart beat! In the case of the boat, it will cause a throw out/ vomit and slower heart beat, for the catwalk..I don't know the effect might be different!:o

[Frosty]

A model on the catwalk is interesting movement but not harmonic motion.

I was told by my teacher that looking at a man on a bicycles feet from the rear (or front) whilst peddaling was harmonic motion.

A constant acceleration and decelleration with max speed in the centre.

Sorry no joke.

[longliner45]

dammit Eric ,,,too much time at the office ,,,,,,longliner,good one

[Frosty]

I thought this was funny-- as usuall click on it and it gets bigger

[TerryKing]

I was told by my teacher that looking at a man on a bicycles feet from the rear (or front) whilst pedaling was harmonic motion.
I hate to interrupt this with anything Scientific! That motion is a Sine Wave.

[Frosty]

ooooh well we will see,-- Im sure some one clever will correct us.

[rayk]

I was thinking about updating my avatar, and came across this one.

[safewalrus]

Hey Jack I hate to say it but I know the bottle one well (don't all us maried men - very true) worthy of a good belly laugh!! careful mate I may get to like you? no maybe thats going a little to far!

Rayk like it too mate! suits most of us on here

[Poida]

Good one Jack pissed meself laughing, says Poida toppin' 'is class in English.

[Bergalia]

I believe it was one of the many young ‘Sunday sailor’ whippersnappers on this forum who cornered Walrus as he snoozed on the pavement outside his local hostlry.
“Trouble is Walrus your generation of seamen are dinosaurs... I mean now-a-days we’ve got stuff aboard you never had - Satnav, TV, Fax, Mobile phones, computers, web sites and e-mail....”
“True,” said Walrus, breaking wind. “We never had ‘em...That’s why we invented them... Now what has your bloody generation done for the future....” :)

[Bergalia]

Not really funny for the poor bugger involved - though I gather he leapt clear in time.:(

The name says it all.

[Guillermo]

What about this?

[Bergalia]

...Now that's entertainment..... :(

[safewalrus]

Beautiful! theres no other words for it! The skills it took to do that, amazing!

Note EVEN the third crane isn't rigged properly!!!!

[Bergalia]

Reckon the drivers must have just come off a banana boat.... :p

[marshmat]

I've seen that set with the cranes before. The first five were reportedly genuine; the ones of the second crane falling in are Photoshopped. (You can clearly see the same people standing in the exact same places in different photos, one has an extra copy of the flipped crane, the doorframes change colour when the green crane "falls" in, and you can see the seams where the pictures were cut apart in the last few.) Hilarious nonetheless though, especially the first few which are real.

[Guillermo]

Only the two last are photoshopped in my opinion. Funny anyhow.

[marshmat]

You're right of course, GG. First 8 are real, not 5. The last 2 are fake.

[safewalrus]

Still goes with a 'splash'

[charmc]

Reckon the drivers must have just come off a banana boat.... :p

I've seen those pix before, agree the last two are fake. Silly, really, the actual sequence is hilarious by itself.

Don't know about the banana boat, but I suspect that each of those highly skilled fellows was exposed to some liquid other than the water in the dock that evening. :rolleyes:

By the way, Walrus, I seem to recall that the incident took place somewhere in the British Isles....Cornwall, perhaps?? :D

[Frosty]

I dont really want to be the one to let the cat out of the bag but the bloke at the back, see the one picking his nose thats walrus.

He was in charge of that lift. It a good job they managed to complete the job as they had run out of cranes.

[safewalrus]

You don't know how close you are Jack, it's my style!!! (not - **** I'd get my Approved Person card well and truly endorsed for that one! But hell it would be almost worth it!) But I would be at the back 'cos I could see how it would go if they can't rig up properly - yep Charm I do believe it is Cornish in style, can't quite figure out the harbour but I'm working on it!

[Ari]

These photo had surfaced in our heavy lifting course a few years ago. The first crane is less than 20tonne crane.The first crane had never extended the outrigger, the reason why it topple is that crane are not design to do lifting with the wheels touching the ground. Tyres will compress and bounce back! The second crane doesnt extended the out rigger fully, so lifting capability was compromised! Positioning of the lifting side of all the crane are compromised too.The second crane do actually topple into the water.

[safewalrus]

Well done Ari, :idea: you might like to add that the lift in each case was way above what the crane was designed to lift at that extent of the jib!! Don't forget the more you extend the jib (Jib out) the less the lift you can lift dramatically!!:idea:

[marshmat]

Cranes not properly set up of course, in all cases.
But if the second one really did fall in, why are the photos of it falling in faked?
open http://www.boatdesign.net/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=12478&d=1176628725 and http://www.boatdesign.net/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=12481&d=1176628725 side by side, you'll see the second is just the background of the first with the truck photoshopped in at a different angle- and there's changes to the buildings too, yet certain people are exactly the same. Having done a lot of digital manipulation in my time, I recognize a shoddy Photoshop job when I see it.
It doesn't change the fact that the first crane operator was flat-out clueless, though, which is kind of the point of the whole thing....

[Poida]

I don't know anything about cranes but I know they are not supposed to fall in the water.

Poida (I think)

[safewalrus]

thought they were wading birds and thus prone to a bit of falling now and then - especially on a Friday night after the pubs chuck out!!

[rayk]

I found something interesting to down load.

[VKRUE]

RayK:
Your link or whatever it is doesn't seem to work... at least on my computer.
It seems to be trying to download the entire internet... my 80 gig hard drive just won't hold it :eek:

[rayk]

You will need to down load it to floppy discs.

[Bergalia]

You will need to down load it to floppy discs.

Floppy discs...Now there's a blast from the past. Are they still available outside antique shops :rolleyes:

Sorry. Forgot some of you still use PCs :D

[marshmat]

You will need to down load it to floppy discs. And you'll only need 17 093 776 700 of them. Floppies are 3 mm thick so the entire stack would be 51 281 km high. Perhaps not such a hot idea after all, that stack of disks would pose a serious threat to the GPS satellites :D

[SmithCraft64]

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?" The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing." Ok, you probably already heard it? Smitty

[Mychael]

So how do you pro-nounce. "Natchitoches" ??

Mychael

[SmithCraft64]

Ok, for us marvelous mature guys:

YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING 'MARVELOUSLY MATURE' WHEN.............

1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.
2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
4. Your back goes out but you stay home.
5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
8. When happy hour is a nap.
9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does..
10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.
11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there. 13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
19. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
21. It takes twice as long to look half as good.
22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.
23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
24. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.
25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.
26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.
27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
Smitty

[SmithCraft64]

Elifino So how do you pro-nounce. "Natchitoches" ??

Mychael

[Guillermo]

You will need to down load it to floppy discs.
No! You have to dowload it directly into your veins! :D

SmithCraft64: I loved the Natchitoches one!
This remembered me a joke about an spaniard trying to explain a portuguese waiter he wanted strawberries for dessert. He insisted on saying "frrrreeeessssaaas" (fresa=straberry) louder and slower time after time, while the confused waiter answered each time he din't understand at all (in portuguese the word is 'morangos' but some spaniards tend to think portuguese is a distorted way of speaking spanish)

Cheers.

[Bergalia]

Hey SmithCraft - I don't find that funny - it's a reflection of my life....:(

Reminds me of a quote by - and here I display examples of the fading memory - Mick Jagger, who said "I don't do drugs anymore - I get just as big a buzz by standing up too quickly..."

On the language bit Guillermo (and I can say this because my wife is Chinese): Diner to Chinese waiter - "Waiter, this duck is rubbery..."
"Ah, thank you velly much sir....":D

[Poida]

Bergalia, that's like saying all women are dopey, I can say that because my wifes dopey.:D

[Bergalia]

Nah, Poida, she's always seemed a very level headed girl to me...mind you that's probably because you're not around at the time..... :D

[Poida]

That explains it, when she moans Bergalia in her sleep, I thought she was talking about the plants she had in the shade house.

Now come to think of it they're Bergonias.

I realised she'd been sleeping with another man when he kept kicking me out of bed.

Poida

[safewalrus]

Poida it appears your wife has the same name as mine - strange two girls both being called 'dopey' so far apart:D

[Bergalia]

I realised she'd been sleeping with another man when he kept kicking me out of bed.
Poida

Got the same problem with mine Poida...(Hey are we in the nasty brown stuff if our wives read these columns....)
:(

[Poida]

Would you believe I just noticed water going down the hallway. No it wasn't global warming, my wife has put the washing machine on with a sponge in the basin and when it pumped the water out the sponge went into the plughole and the basin has overflowed.

My wife is not having sex with all of the seven dwarfs but she's definately fckn dopey.

Gotta go and mop water. Dopey's gone out.

She married me, proves she's not too bright.

Poida

[Bergalia]

....Dopey's gone out.
Poida

But I only went out to get an evening paper....
:D

[Guillermo]

We men know we are ready for the worms when we still remember we used to like women, but we do not remember why.....:rolleyes:

Cheers!

[Bergalia]

Not really boat related - just an overheard 'off the cuff' remark by a local builder watching his new apprentice: "Jeez...he's as slow as Ray Charles window shopping...."

[safewalrus]

OH yes!! Bergalia me old mate what a cracker!!!:cool: :D :cool: :D :eek: :cool: :D :cool:

[Poida]

Heard about the large ocean liner HMS WALRUS it was feeling a bit randy so it had a tug.

Poida

[safewalrus]

No don't understand that one?

[Bergalia]

No don't understand that one?

Well you were warned Walrus. If you continued doing it you'd go deaf...Now, watch my hands as I translate....:)

[safewalrus]

Got a tug:D :D :D got it now:idea:

[Poida]

You don't have to be slow to live in Cornwall, but it helps.

[Guillermo]

This remembers me...a friend of mine who is a keen golf player, once told me: "You don't need to be stupid to play golf, but it helps a lot"

[Bergalia]

Don't blame me, blame Guillermo - he started the 'golf' tangent.
True story. My father-in-law a rabid golfer used me as a caddy (because I'm hopeless as a partner) and one day out on the Nairn Golf course (North east of scotland) it was heavy sleet being driven by a force eight wind slicing across the fairway which runs beside the the river. A couple of figures were hunched over their rods. "Bloody hell," said the father-in-law, "Will you look at those idiots fishing on a day like this...." :rolleyes:

[Frosty]

Berglia-- it just occured to me--If your a Scottish decendent,--then its quite likely youve probably been to Blackpool and the yates'es bar and the Tower lounge, north pier, Pleasure beach???????

You Scotts used to come down and we all used to stay out of town on Glaswegion fortnight, Jeeees no one dare go down town then.

I remember one year they ripped up the wooden dance floor of the Winter Gardens.
---Dont know why--probably because it was closing time.

[Bergalia]

...I remember one year they ripped up the wooden dance floor of the Winter Gardens....Dont know why--probably because it was closing time.

No, no Jack. You've got it all wrong. Glasgow Fair Week yes. But the lads and I had come down (with that incident at Culloden still fresh in our minds) for what had been billed as a 'Revival Meeting' and assumed the Jacobite lads were about to have another go...But much to our consternation discovered it was something to do with a feller called Billie Graham (not even the Scots spelling of Graeme).
Disconcerted we sought out the Tower Ballroom for refreshment and were about to request the strains of a tango, or waltz through which to work off our disappointment when this bloke at the organ, Dixon I believe was his name, vanished from view into the basement. It was while searching for him that we inadvertently ripped the dance floor apart....But of course, you may have heard otherwise....

[safewalrus]

An I thoght ye wus collectin fire wood, it being close to Burns Night! (any nights burns night in Blackpool, you gotta liven it up somehow!)

[Frosty]

Berglia Ahh gocha, Your trying to scare me with accuracy.

Reginald Dixon is long dead and the mighty Wurlitzer still plays on but---the Winter gardens is not the Tower ball room.

If youve not been paraletic on a Sat night in Blackpool then your not a real scott.

[Bergalia]

Berglia Ahh gocha, Your trying to scare me with accuracy....Reginald Dixon is long dead and the mighty Wurlitzer still plays on but---the Winter gardens is not the Tower ball room..

Oh....THAT Blackpool.....:(

[Frosty]

Ey its a lovely place is Blackpool you can get a bird right easy there.

Sand in between your toes, a mug of tea for the beach and a deck chair --all for sixpence.

I saw the bearded lady, and the Wild man from Borneo.

Sometimes you would meet people that talked so funny you couldnt understand what they were saying,---like "gi us a pint oh heavy" and 'ooorrr ile be havin a cider I will oooo rrr'

Sometime really wierd people from so far south like Corwall would come up to see the lights, they would stand amazed looking at the flashing lights,--on--off--on--off, they were amazed at it.

Ey its a good place Blackpool it made a man out me and a man out of the wife.

[Bergalia]

Ey its a lovely place is Blackpool you can get a bird right easy there....I saw the bearded lady, and the Wild man from Borneo.
Ey its a good place Blackpool it made a man out me and a man out of the wife.

Let me guess...you married the bearded lady......
:D

[safewalrus]

Well Jack it all comes home to me now why your such a numptie - if you come from Blackpool you ain't got much choice have you? Only place worse is Morecambe up the coast! And that's so dead even you would be a personality there!!

[Frosty]

Gotch walrus I knew you would have been to Blackpool to look at the flashing lights, and you know where Morecombe is too --well done .


Was it a geriatric coach tour you went on?

I could just imagine you on a donkey witha "kiss me quick" hat on.

Where do you go for your 2 week holidays now --Majorca.

[artemis]

Time to get backto basics here... and also to include the kayak/canoe crowd.

[Bergalia]

That has to be an all time classic Artemis...As that great Scots actor Clint McEastwood says - "You've made my day..."

[longliner45]

are you off your medication again ,bery?

[Bergalia]

Alright so it's not exactly a boat joke..but the driver had seen the DVD of 'The Caine Mutiny'.


He was delivering some monkeys to the local zoo, when his van broke down. he was standing at the side of the road wondering what to do when he saw a farmer approaching with an empty lorry. He flagged the farmer down and offered him $500 pounds to take the monkeys to the zoo. The farmer agreed and the monkeys were transferred to the farmer's lorry and off he went. A couple of hours later the man was still waiting for a breakdown vehicle to come when he saw the farmer coming back, still with the monkeys on board. He flagged the farmer down again and asked why he hadn't taken the monkeys to the zoo. "I did." said the farmer. "We had a great time and there is some money left over, so I'm taking them to see Disneyworld..."

[Frosty]

I worry about you sometimes Berg.

[Bergalia]

Here's one just for you then Frosty: Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on. :D

[Bergalia]

... I dont know how to use one... it seem:)

Key in 'help' at: www.vatican.com

[lazeyjack]

Frosty was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Frosty Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it, but the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Helen Clark.the NZ pm

That evening, Frosty introduced Helen to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening; red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze, perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon,Frosty started to get "those feelings" again. He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to Helen, cautiously and whispered in her ear ... "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

[Frosty]

Pssst --(whisper)--lazy--- do you know you have parrot on your shoulder.

[lazeyjack]

yeppers Bergs gave the bloody thing to me

[Bergalia]

yeppers Bergs gave the bloody thing to me


No, no Stu. The only answer he understands is: "No Frosty - but you hum it...and I'll play it...."

[lazeyjack]

No, no Stu. The only answer he understands is: "No Frosty - but you hum it...and I'll play it...."

like the man who went into a bar with pet Octopus?

[Bergalia]

like the man who went into a bar with pet Octopus?


Stop being silly Stu. Go to your room....Honestly how can you hum a pet octopus.....:rolleyes:

[westlawn5554X]

Do u hav a spare octopus? nice in curry... :)

[Bergalia]

Do u hav a spare octopus? nice in curry... :)

Sorry Westie...but can you lend us six quid... (don't think about it too long or Lazey will come butting in....)

[lazeyjack]

Sorry Westie...but can you lend us six quid... (don't think about it too long or Lazey will come butting in....)

sick squid da
man goes into bar
has octopus on his shoulder
says to barman thsi fish can play anything
gives him a sax, fish, mollusk plays it,
plays piano the lot
well barman comes out with bagpipes
so the octopus crawls all over,
YEAH!! SAYS barman, that's stumped him
Nahasays the owner, jus wait til he figures he cant ferk it(loss points here) he'll play em

[Bergalia]

Don't say I didn't warn you Westie.....:P

[J.D.Hogg]

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel stuck to his crotch. The bartender says "Hey friend, you know you've got a steering wheel stuck to your crotch?"

"Yarr," the pirate replied "It's drivin' me nuts."

[Bergalia]

One for the 'Pommies' (please translate for our US members)

A British Sailor (changed to give boatie touch), whilst on shore-patrol in Bosnia, happens upon a young lad kicking around a spent shell case with not inconsiderable skill. The two end up chatting and the soldier says, "Would you like to play soccer in England? A great friend of mine knows Alex Ferguson, the man in charge of the top England team. He could help you."
The boy appears very keen and so, when the soldier returns home, he asks his friend.
Well, it turns out that Alex Ferguson is interested and so the young lad is brought over. He starts off in the junior team, but is so good, he gets steadily promoted until he's on the substitute bench for the first team at the FA Cup Final. The game reaches half-time and the score is 2-2.
"Alright", says Ferguson, "let's see what you can do."
The lad goes on and scores three fantastic goals and the team have a glorious victory. Afterwards, the lad goes to a 'phone to call his Dad.
"Dad", he says, "we won the FA Cup final and I scored three goals!"
His Dad is silent for a moment and then replies "Don't you give me that! Back here, we're going through Hell! Your Mother went out for bread this morning and hasn't been seen since. Your Sister was raped last night, and your brother was beaten up in the street on his way back from school!"
"But Dad," complains the youth, "you can't blame me for that!"
"Well," said his father, "you made us come to Manchester!"

[westlawn5554X]

I know... to prevent the problem of that family, FA Cup Final should be held at Bosnia so Your Mother went out for bread this morning and hasn't been seen since. Your Sister was raped last night, and your brother was beaten up in the street on his way back from school! - would not happen. Thanks:P

[Poida]

2 all in the FA Cup Final

Normally they have to play for 3 days to score 1.

Poida

[PI Design]

Nah mate - you're thinking of cricket!

[safewalrus]

PI not with the team we have at the moment mate!

[PI Design]

Too true, looking forward to today's Test. I was thinking of the Aussie team of course!

[safewalrus]

PI looking at the time of that last post (and the fact I'm in Islington at the moment - which has got absolutely nothing to do with it!) guess your at work and just as bored as I am! good things these works computers!!

[PI Design]

Spot on. I HATE writing reports. Gone to fancy London? Are you in court? Or at the PM's leaving do?

[Poida]

I'll tell you this story as long as you don't take points off me. Promise?? OK.

Down on the reef all the female seaweed were swaying back and forth with the swell.

Some of the seaweed were old and as the swell went in and out their tatty fronds would wave one way then wave the other.

One of the old seaweed started putting sea anenomes on her fronds to make her look nicer.

Soon all the old seaweed followed, they all got sea ananomes and put them on their fronds and with their new artificial look thought they were quite beautiful.

Then they saw a nice young seaweed with beautifull fronds swaying back and forth, she looked so lovely.

One of the older seaweeds said, "Why don't you stick some sea anenomes on your fronds like we have?"

"Well," replied the young seaweed, "with fronds like mine, who needs anenomes."

Poida
PS. Something tells me I shouldn't have done this.

[PI Design]

Why did the crab blush?

Because the sea weed.

Hmmm, I think mine may have been even worse...

[charmc]

FA Cup = only way a UK team can win a championship. :P :P :D :D

[charmc]

PS. Something tells me I shouldn't have done this.

Poida, your instincts are good. Should learn to follow them. If I hadn't given you points so recently, you'd be in trouble now. :D :D

[charmc]

Hmmm, I think mine may have been even worse...

PI,

You're right. See above message to Poida. :D

[safewalrus]

PI

Nar pretending to work! Got kinda fed up and headed back to Cornwall! Back up next week for another exciting time (and I thought it would be better than going to sea - at least the bed don't rock, 'cept when I'm so bored I get peed and then it do!!)

[timgoz]

What does a lonely single man who loves sex & fishing call his boat?

"Master Baiter"

Boo, Boo! I know. :rolleyes:

Tim

[westlawn5554X]

I'll tell you this story as long as you don't take points off me. Promise?? OK.

Down on the reef all the female seaweed were swaying back and forth with the swell.

Some of the seaweed were old and as the swell went in and out their tatty fronds would wave one way then wave the other.

One of the old seaweed started putting sea anenomes on her fronds to make her look nicer.

Soon all the old seaweed followed, they all got sea ananomes and put them on their fronds and with their new artificial look thought they were quite beautiful.

Then they saw a nice young seaweed with beautifull fronds swaying back and forth, she looked so lovely.

One of the older seaweeds said, "Why don't you stick some sea anenomes on your fronds like we have?"

"Well," replied the young seaweed, "with fronds like mine, who needs anenomes."

Poida
PS. Something tells me I shouldn't have done this.

I check my dic for the translation of words and this joke is crook... :D I like yur sense of humour

[Bergalia]

Just a thought - Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.:)

[charmc]

Boo, Boo! I know. :rolleyes:

Tim

Tim, my friend, I'm disappointed in you . We're supposed to show those Aussie descendents of convicts what real class is about! :D :P

[timgoz]

Bad thing is I thought it up myself while a friend and I were trying to figure out what to call a co-workers new boat.

Tim

[Bergalia]

Bad thing is I thought it up myself... Tim

Play on words Tim? Try this one:

Wife of an old Dutch barge skipper (that's the boat link) goes to feed her pet hamster and finds it dead in the cage. Naturally she is grief-stricken.
Seeing this her husband asks what the problem is, and after she explains he says "well don't waste it, make something useful out of it"

Obviously it's not big enough to make a full meal so she puts it in the food blender then pours it into a saucepoan, adds sugar, and boils until it thickens. Finally she puts it into a jar to cool, and when cool spreads some on a slice of toast. One bite and she knows it's disgusting. But being a thrifty wife and not given to waste she stores it in a large flower pot.
The next morning the husband asks how she disposed of her dead pet and she explains. So he looks out of the window and sees the flower pot is full of daffodils.

"Thats odd" he says. "I always thought you got tulips from hamster jam":(

[timgoz]

:rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

Did you have a good trip, excluding the bad weather?

Tim

[Bergalia]

Yes, a reasonable trip thanks Tim. You'll see from another thread that the weather has been pretty hairy along the east coast. It worsened as we travelled northwards towards Sydney. Roads flooded, cars off the road, Aboriginal uprisings, and soggy chips at the local 'Greasy Spoon'...Life is hell. The only good part was that my wife has indulged herself in a GPS for her car and insisted on bringing it along in my 'Disco'. (As though I didn't know the road anyway). But the three passengers (wife and two daughters) spent the whole journey crouching over the screen...."A left hand turn coming up dad...." "Yes dear, so I see..." "Anoher turning on the right dad...but you don't need that one..." ....."Yes dear, I know that...." "Traffic lights coming up dad...."..."Yes dear, so I see...."....."There's a bridge up ahead dear (the wife)..."...."Yes, my sweet...I think we'll go over it shall we...."
Couple this with a bloody voice from the machine telling me..."Your turning is 900 metres ahead...prepare to turn...." etc etc etc.
But yes, Tim. Not a bad trip.

[timgoz]

Berg,

Always seems its the eventfull trips, usually the ones with much adversity, that we have the most vivid memories of. Somehow the bad events don't seem as bad with the seasoning of time.

The GPS units that are built into the car are troublesome to me, especially for a solo driver. With cell phones, steroes that need tending to, ect... All you need is to encounter someone with thier face glued to the GPS screen.

The best scenerio would be if they would shut down the screen while the vehicle is in motion. Leave the audio. But if they need to consult the screen, pull off.

Used to travel with a preacher friend who would have the open road atlas on his lap and his eyes on the atlas. Usually he was speeding to. Finally had to "really" call him on his recklesness. He modified his behaviour.

Least you had a "navigator" onboard.

Read in the AM paper about the severe flooding & such in Newcastle. Hope things improve for you all. Boat.

Tim

[safewalrus]

Cheer up Max apparantly with great age comes deafness - can't hear the nagging wife - I can hardly wait! Luckily all mine are boys, and total wastrals at that so we rarely go anywhere together (except the pub!! ;))

[Bergalia]

I suppose a duck could pass as a nautical object ?

Q: Why do ducks have webbed feet ?
A: To stamp on fires......

Q: Why do elephants have flat feet ?
A: To stamp on burning ducks......


OK Jeff, I'll leave now........:(

[charmc]

Bill and Harry, two old sailing friends, met in a bar and sat up late comparing experiences.

"I finally met the perfect woman last year, in the Caribbean," said Bill. "She was looking for a ride and I was sailing that way, so I offered her a lift. She turned out to be expert crew, changed sails easily, navigated better than I did. We caught the prop on some drifting fishnet, and she went overboard and cleared it before I could. She offered to cook, and it was gourmet quality. After dinner we sat under the stars and talked philosophy; she quoted many of the classics. Did I tell you she was beautiful? She came into my bunk and we made passionate love. She turned out to be everything I ever wanted in a woman. I tell you, she's perfect!"

"So when do I meet her?", asked Harry, "Are you going to marry her?"

"She's gone", said Bill. "I asked her to marry me, but she said no and left."

"Why?", asked Harry.

"She was looking for the perfect man." :P :P

[Guillermo]

"She was looking for the perfect man."
Then I anticipate she died single. Or, on the other hand, she was not that clever after all. As there is no such a thing as the perfect man, perfect women tend to marry perfect very rich stupids. :D :D

[charmc]

So Guillermo, you're saying great wealth makes up for lack of perfection?

Might be true ... I wouldn't know, as I lack both! :D

[SouthernCross]

Got this off another forum....



One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it,I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.

She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally
said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!" I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

[Bergalia]

Might have been better to have left it on the other forum.....:D

[Guillermo]

So Guillermo, you're saying great wealth makes up for lack of perfection?...
Nope...!
What I'm saying is perfect women do not tend to marry guys like me....:D

[SouthernCross]

Might have been better to have left it on the other forum.....:D

hmmm must be wrong audience. there's nothing wrong with the joke....

[VKRUE]

You just interupted a couple of old salts' in their badgering of one another....... that's all.

Other than that... Great joke.

One that I'll print off and take to work for the guys in the morning :D

[Bergalia]

An old seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and the talk turns to their adventures. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. "How did you end up with the peg leg?" he asks.

The pirate replies, "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" says the seaman. "What about your hook?"

"Well," answers the pirate, "we were boarding a ship when one of the enemy hacked off my hand."

"Incredible!" says the seaman. "How’d you get the eye patch?"

"A seagull **** in my eye," the pirate replies.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the seaman asks.

"Well," says the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook.":(

[Bergalia]

I say, I say, I say.....

Did you hear about the time Walrus took a trip to Australia - he was sitting in a small outback bar when an Aborigine sat down beside him and started to chat. "Tell you what blue - let's have a little game. I'll ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't then you buy me one. OK?"

Walrus grunted, “Sounds OK”

The Aborigine says "My father and mother had only one child. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"

Walrus scratched his head, and after a while admitted - "I give up. Who was it?"

"It was ME," grinned the Aborigine.

So Walrus paid for the drinks.

Back home in Cornwall Walrus returns to his ‘local’ and spots a group of his old mates. "Charlie," he says, "I’ve got a game. If you can answer a question, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't, you have to buy me one. Fair enough?"

"Fair enough," says Charlie.

"OK," says Walrus "my father and mother had only one child. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"

Charie frowns and gazes at his feet, then at the ceiling. At last - "I give up, who was it?"

Walrus slaps his thigh and laughs - "It was this Aborigine guy I met in outback Australia....”

:D :D :D :D :D :D

[charmc]

:D :D :D :D :D :D

For both!

[safewalrus]

No Bergalia I don't understand that one?....... It was the Abo wasn't it? surely?

[westlawn5554X]

That is amusing... well done Bergalia chap...

[VKRUE]

[quote=Bergalia;146649]An old seaman meets a pirate in a bar, ...


I like it Berg :D

I really like it... another one to print for the boys at work.

[Frosty]

This is not a joke but something i thought you all might like to see. I have watched this over and over.

Even if you cant stand "Americal Idle" you should see this. It is http://youtube.com/watch?v=9oxTy7KIAaA

Even ole Lazy will shed a tear,,Unbelievable.

[safewalrus]

By God Frosty that was unbelievable!!! Fantastic!! where did an old duffer like you find that? I take my hat off to you mate. Not many times I'm speechless but ....................

[Bergalia]

Thanks Frosty. An experience I could so easily have missed. Absolutely fantastic. Thanks again.

[Frosty]

http://youtube.com/watch?v=8VC9cHjUOIQ

Well on a slightly different note,--if you enjoyed that maybe you might like this . If this doesnt make you laugh ---well.

[safewalrus]

Careful Frosty people will be starting to like you soon - or is that the idea? then theres only me left to hate! But seriously mate that was again fantastic, and hilarious!! got me laughing anyway!!;)

[safewalrus]

hey Frosty if i could figure out how to give 'repertation' points I'd maybe give you a couple for the last two points! Luckily it's a black art to me so my 'repertation' is saved:)

[charmc]

This is not a joke but something i thought you all might like to see. I have watched this over and over. Even ole Lazy will shed a tear,,Unbelievable.

Thanks, Frosty, that was stunning. A wonderful experience.

[charmc]

Following Frosty's lead, I'll share this. Another amazing talent:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=uizjqD3MMYQ

[Frosty]

You know I dont know what is happening here in Thailand. I returned home to Thailand yesterday and I find Youtube is banned.

When you try to click on to it theres a police page comes up.

Amazing Thialand? you said it. Its getting like China Think ile go back to the boat!!

Not with out a few nights down town though- Yahooooo---

Ahem-- Sorry Charmc --cant see it till I get to a civilised country.

[safewalrus]

Hell Frosty somebody on youtube must have really upset the Thai, not like them to get nasty! OK they have their rules same as everybody else, fair enough but they don't normally go off at an angle, unless.........Still you never know!

[brian eiland]

I would like to make a suggestion that a few of you fellows who continously hi-jack subject threads for your own private tete-a-tete, get a real life, and go off and start a few of your own subject threads where you can carry on with your often non-boat related drivel

[Poida]

Gee that's funny Brian since you titled this thread 'Boat Jokes, we need a few laughs"

Then you get serious.

Poida

[Bergalia]

and start a few of your own subject threads where you can carry on with your often non-boat related dribble...


I think the word you were groping for Brian, was 'drivel'.....:)

[artemis]

I would like to make a suggestion that a few of you fellows who continously hi-jack subject threads for your own private tete-a-tete, get a real life, and go off and start a few of your own subject threads where you can carry on with your often non-boat related dribble

I thought that was the purpose of this section of the foum. :P

[VKRUE]

What's your problem Brian ???

I (for one) don't here anyone complaining... and I (for another one) am thoroughly entertained... So, Sir Eiland... again, I ask....................

What's your problem ???????

The last video of the mummy / statue was excelent... absolutely excelent !

Thanks Charlie................... for the rep's too !

[Poida]

I was the first to have a poke at Brian with his comment just because of the irony of the thread, joke & laugh title.

But, he does have a point that long conversations do occur unrelated to the thread.

Lazeyjack's thread "Where are you" was a good thread where people can put their location on the thread but on opening it I found that there was too much chit chat about bugger all and it spoilt it.

It doesn't bother me, but I should try and restrain myself from doing it again.

I am also going to start the "drivel thread" and please stick to the subject and don't say anything sensible.

Poida

[brian eiland]

I was the first to have a poke at Brian with his comment just because of the irony of the thread, joke & laugh title.

But, he does have a point that long conversations do occur unrelated to the thread.

Lazeyjack's thread "Where are you" was a good thread where people can put their location on the thread but on opening it I found that there was too much chit chat about bugger all and it spoilt it.
Thanks, you've help make my point. I might reference the theme of this subject thread that I opened the thread up with, "just noticed there did not appear to be collection point for boat related jokes on this forum. So here goes..."



I am also going to start the "drivel thread" and please stick to the subject and don't say anything sensible. Poida
I was going to suggest something like this.

[VKRUE]

Yes, there is a bit of conversation but, that happens in all of the threads... doesn't it ? I see it as a form of continueing communication although, maybe there should be a bit less of it at times.

Still, this is a joke thread... what's the harm in a few funnies that don't neccessarily contain boats...

For that matter, how many "BOAT" jokes are there... ?
And, should the thread end when the "last" joke is told... ?

IMHO

[brian eiland]

Yes, there is a bit of conversation but, that happens in all of the threads... doesn't it ? I see it as a form of continueing communication although, maybe there should be a bit less of it at time.
Let me give you another example. Take a look at this subject thread,
"Dealing with Pirates (http://boatdesign.net/forums/showthread.php?t=5659)"
There was the possibility that a lot of good info could come from this...and in fact there was. But look futher along and find it turned into a lot of drivel

[timgoz]

Brian,

Setle down man. All of our blood pressure is up enough already!

Tim

[Frosty]

Dealing with Pirates[/URL]"
There was the possibility that a lot of good info could come from this...and in fact there was. But look futher along and find it turned into a lot of drivel

Ooops, Ahem,--- feelling a little responsable for this I can only say in my defence that they had exhausted the subject matter at that time.

As the subject of piracy seemed to make some members blood run cold, I however living some of the time on my boat in the Malacca straights thought little of it. Sarcasm and drivel seems to be a exellent way of suggesting this.

As free human beings participating on a free to participate forum dont you think we should be able to express one self in the way you feel best.

Wandering of the subject is sometimes a persons way of talking. Ide hate for us to talk robotic.

A little --:rolleyes: friendly drivel is harmless human speech -dont you think.

[Bergalia]

.....A little --:rolleyes: friendly drivel is harmless human speech -dont you think.


This is precisely the point Brian is trying to make....And then you spoil it by talking perfect sense.......:P

[brian eiland]

The following is supposedly a documented conversation between the USS Lincoln and a Canadian "vessel"....

Canadian: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert your course.

Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north, I say again, that's one five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

[brian eiland]

A doctor, a dentist and an attorney were in a boat together when a wave came along and washed them all overboard. Unable to get back into the boat, they decided two would hold on to the boat and the third would swim to shore for help.

They noticed that there were hundreds of sharks between them and land. Without a word the lawyer took off! As he swam the sharks move aside. The dentist yelled, "it's a miracle!"

"No", said the doctor, "That's professional courtesy!"

[brian eiland]

Here's a guy with trouble

[brian eiland]

...courtesy of Orion, on another forum

Yes, as you told us we build it with a V-hull.....

[brian eiland]

Boat Jokes weren't worn out...we just need to look for more

[brian eiland]

Ahoy
The first in a series of four letter words commonly exchanged by skippers as their boats approach one another

Bar
Long. Low lying navigational hazard, usually awash, found at river mouths and harbour entrances, where it is composed of sand or mud, and ashore, where it is made of mahogany or some other dark wood. Sailors can be found in large numbers around both.

Boom
A Laterally mounted spar to which a sail is fastened, used during jibing to shift crew members to a fixed, horizontal position.

Bulkhead
Discomfort suffered by sailors who drink too much

Cabin
A cramped, closet like compartment below decks where crew members may be stored – on their sides if large or on end if small – until needed.

Calm
Sea condition characterised by the simultaneous disappearance of the wind and the last cold beer

Channel
Narrow stretch of deep or dredged waterway bordered by buoys or markers that separates two or more grounded boats

Current
Tidal flow that carries a boat away from it desired destination or toward a hazard.

Fitting Out
Series of maintenance tasks performed on boats ashore during good weather weekends in spring and summer months to make them ready for winter storage.

Flipper
Rubber swimming aid worn on the feet. Usually available in two sizes, 3 and 17

Flotsam
Anything floating in the water from which there is no response when an offer of a cocktail is made.

Fluke
The portion of an anchor that digs securely into the bottom: also, any occasion when this happens on the first try.

Galley
Ancient: Aspect of seafaring associated with slavery.
Modern: Aspect of seafaring associated with slavery

Gear
Generic term for any pieces of boating equipment that can be forgotten in the back-seat or boot of a car, left behind on a pontoon, soaked in the bottom of a dinghy or lost over the side of the boat.

Gimbals
Movable mountings often found on shipboards lamps, compasses etc which provide dieting passengers an opportunity to observe the true motions of the ship in relation to them, and thus prevent any recently ingested food from remaining in their digestive systems long enough to be converted into unwanted calories.

Grounding
Embarrassing situation in which a sailor returns to shore without leaving his boat.

Hatch
An opening in a deck leading to the cabin below with a cover designed to let water in while keeping fresh air out.

Hull speed
The maximum theoretical velocity of a given boat through the water, which is 1.5 times the square root of its waterline length in feet, divided by the distance to port in miles, minus the time in hours to sunset cubed.

Jibe
Course change which causes the boom to sweep rapidly across the cockpit; also, frequent type of comment made by observers of this manoeuvre.

Lanyard
A light line attached to a small article so that it can be secured somewhere well out of reach.

Leeward
The direction in which objects, liquids and other matter may be thrown without risk of re encountering them in the immediate future.

Life jacket
Any personal floatation device that will keep an individual who has fallen off a vessel, above water long enough to be run over by it or another rescue craft.

Mizzen
The shorter aft mast on a yawl or ketch. Any mast that is no longer there.

Moon
Earth’s natural satellite. During periods when it displays a vivid blue colour, sailing conditions are generally favourable.

Motor sailer
A hybrid boat that combines the simplicity and reliability of sail power with the calm and serenity of a throbbing engine.

Ocean racing
Demanding form of sailing practised by sportsman whose idea of a good time is standing under an ice cold shower, fully clothed while re examining there last meal.

Passage
Basically a voyage from point A to point B, interrupted by unexpected landfalls or stopovers at point K, point Q, and point Z.

Pontoon
Harbour landing place that goes crack, crunch when hit

Pilotage
The art of getting lost in sight of land, as opposed to the distinct and far more complex science of navigation used to get lost in offshore waters.

Port
1. Left on a boat.
2. A place you wish you never left on a boat.

Propeller
Underwater winch designed to wind up at high speeds any lines left hanging over the stern.

Radar
Extremely realistic kind of electronic game often found on larger sailboats. Players try to avoid colliding with “blips” which represent other sailboats, large container ships and oil tankers.

Regatta
Organised sailing competition that pits yours against your opponents’ luck.

Sailing
The find art of getting wet and becoming ill while slowly going nowhere at great expense.

Satellite Navigation
Sophisticated electronic location method that enables sailors to instantly determine the exact latitude and longitude, within just a few feet, anywhere on the surface of the surface of the earth, of whatever it was they just ran aground on.

Single handed sailing
The only situation in which the skipper does not immediately blame the crew for every single thing that goes wrong

Spinnaker
Large beautiful balloon shaped sail used in powerful downwind sailing, collapses at the sides to make control difficult and when lowered stores neatly into the galley and main cabin and heads all at the same time.

Tides
The rise and fall of ocean waters. There are two tides of interest to mariners: the ebb tide sailors encounter as they attempt to enter port and the flood tide they experience as they try to leave.

Yardarm
Horizontal spar mounted in such a way that when viewed from the cockpit, the sun is always over it.

[brian eiland]

In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannon fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck?

The best storage method devised was a square based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon.

There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a "Monkey" with 16 round indentations. But if this plate was made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it.

The solution to the rusting problem was to make "Brass Monkeys." Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.

Thus, it was quite literally, "Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey!"

(And all this time, you thought that was an improper expression, didn't you?)

[Bergalia]

...Thus, it was quite literally, "Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey!" ...

Now that, Brian, is a gem of information...

Right the rest of you - chip in with some extra points for Mr Eiland...

[brian eiland]

....A friend recently sent me this very funny parody on John Masefield's famous poem, 'The Call of the Running Tide'. There is certainly an element of truth here.

I must go down to the sea again, in a modern high-tech boat,
And all I ask is electric, for comfort while afloat,
And alternators, and solar panels, and generators going,
And deep cycle batteries with many amperes flowing.

I must go down to the sea again, to the autopilot’s ways,
And all I ask is a GPS, and a radar, and displays,
And a cell phone, and a weatherfax, and a shortwave radio,
And compact disks, computer games and TV videos.

I must go down to the sea again, with a freezer full of steaks,
And all I ask is a microwave, and a blender for milkshakes,
And a watermaker, air-conditioner, hot water in the sink,
And e-mail and a VHF to see what my buddies think.

I must go down to the sea again, with power-furling sails,
And chart displays of all the seas, and a bullhorn for loud hails,
And motors pulling anchor chains, and push-button sheets,
And programs which take full charge of tacking during beats.

I must go down to the sea again, and not leave friends behind,
And so they never get seasick we’ll use the web online,
And all I ask is an Internet with satellites over me,
And beaming all the data up, my friends sail virtually.

I must go down to the sea again, record the humpback whales,
Compute until I decipher their language and their tales,
And learn to sing in harmony, converse beneath the waves,
And befriend the gentle giants as my synthesizer plays.

I must go down to the sea again, with RAM in gigabytes,
and teraflops of processing for hobbies that I like,
And software suiting all my wants, seated at my console
And pushing on the buttons which give me complete control.

I must go down to the sea again, my concept seems quite sound,
But when I simulate this boat, some problems I have found.
The cost is astronomical, repairs will never stop,
Instead of going sailing, I’ll be shackled to the dock.

I must go down to the sea again, how can I get away?
Must I be locked in low-tech boats until my dying day?
Is there no cure for my complaint, no technologic fix?
Oh, I fear this electric fever is a habit I can’t kick

[Bergalia]

Not to be outdone by Brian can I offer:

A woman on the dock watched as the salty old tugboat captain skillfully docked his boat. She was impressed that such an old man would still be doing such a tough job. She decided to wait until the captain disembarked. As he did, she asked him," Captain, what is your secret to leading such a long and productive life?"

"Well," he said. "I would have to say it's because I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, drink a case of whisky every week, eat a lot of fatty foods and I never exercise.

Wow, that's amazing," the woman said. "exactly how old are you?"

He answered, "Thirty-one"

* * *

A charter sailing vessel with load of politicians was half way to the Bahamas when a freak storm hit the boat. Several of the passengers were thrown overboard and drowned. After retrieval of the bodies and with the knowledge that they may not be rescued for some time, if ever, the deceased were buried at sea.

Three days later, the local Coast Guard found the damaged craft. Upon boarding, the Coast Guard Captain asked, "Is everyone okay?" The Captain of the damaged vessel explained that he had a few passengers fall over board.

The Coast Guard Captain asked, "Are they all dead?"

The Sailing boat captain replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how those politicians lie."

* * *

The sailor came home from a two year voyage only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.

"Was it my friend Sam", he demanded.

"No !" his weeping wife replied.

"Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked.

"NO !!!" she said even more upset.

"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.

"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.

* * *

A 'Born Again Christian' yachtsman fell overboard from his boat, and was thrashing around in the water when another boat pulled up. -"Jump in, we'll save you" - they screamed. -"No" - cried the drowning man, - "God will save me". The scene was repeated twice more and then a helicopter hovered over the man. -"We came to rescue you" - yelled the pilot. -"No, God will save me" - was the response again. The man drowned, and as he crossed the Pearly Gates, he ran straight to Jesus. -"I placed my faith in You, and You let me drown?! ""Listen!" said Jesus. "I sent three boats and a helicopter - what more could I do".

* * *

An old skipper walks in to his doctor's office for his yearly physical exam as he has done the same time every year that the can remember. The doctor takes him through all of the motions, does the normal tests and then leaves to get the results. After about 15 minutes the doctor returns with a very sad look on his face.

"Well Doc, what kind of shape am I in this time?" the old skipper asks.

"Skipper, I don't know what to say. The news is bad. Really bad." says the doctor.

"What is it Doc?" asks his patient.

"I hate to have to give you such bad news. I can't find the words to tell you. I really don't know what to say."

The skipper, being a strong man who appreciates straight talk, tells the doctor: "Ok, don't beat around the bush. Tell me what you know. I can take it".

"Well," says the doctor, "Let me put it this way. I think that you should go to New Zealand and visit the hot springs there for a nice relaxing mud bath. Spend some time soaking in the mud."

"Oh, so I need to relax a little bit, eh? Will that cure me Doc?" he asks.

"No skipper, it won't cure you. And it won't help you relax. But it will help you get used to being covered in dirt.

* * *

A 75 year old seaman went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day the old salt reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explains:

"Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old salt replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DAMN jar open!"

[safewalrus]

In answer to Brians "brass monkey weather" I guess the weather never gets up and the boat don't roll where he is? otherwise his bloody balls will roll off of their monkey no matter what the heat - thae answer stick the cannon balls in shot garlands (round holes drilled in the deck [more or less] into which each ball fits nicely into about half way up the side! Yer "brass monkey" was only used by artillerymen in forts ashore! Don't yer hate a smart a**e!!!

[Bergalia]

How could we not love ya...smart arse. But by the same token I don't think Brian's version detracts from the delight in discovering the origins of a phrase....:)

[westlawn5554X]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0SPgPpTMtew

try this... walrus I trust this is near yur tatse :D:D:D

[charmc]

....A friend recently sent me this very funny parody on John Masefield's famous poem, 'The Call of the Running Tide'. There is certainly an element of truth here.

I must go down to the sea again, in a modern high-tech boat,
And all I ask is electric, for comfort while afloat,
And alternators, and solar panels, and generators going,
And deep cycle batteries with many amperes flowing.


I must go down to the sea again, with power-furling sails,
And chart displays of all the seas, and a bullhorn for loud hails,
And motors pulling anchor chains, and push-button sheets,
And programs which take full charge of tacking during beats.

"Maltese Falcon"? :D :D :D

[brian eiland]

"Maltese Falcon"
There is an element of truth there Charlie

[Bergalia]

A young shore-based AB is leaving the office late one evening when he finds the Admiral standing in front of the shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"You there," growls the Admiral, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly, sir" says the young AB. He turns the machine on, puts the paper in, and hits the start button.

"Thanks." grunts the Admiral as the paper disappears inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

[Poida]

Jeez Bergalia reminds me of the story about the bloke selling washing machines.

Went to one old bloke's place and he said, "Don't want want one of those bloody things, bought one, put me bloody shirt in, pulled the bloody chain, aint seen me bloody shirt since then."

It's an old joke, it's the way I tell it makes it funny.

Poida

[Bergalia]

How about a philosophical one:


If a man talks in a forest and there's no woman to hear him - is he still wrong....?:D

[RCardozo]

A man's wife is jealous of the time he spends on his boat. She exclaims," I bet there isn't any differnce in your mind between me and that boat". He thinks for awhile. Mmmm. I like to :
spend time on the boat
buy things for the boat
make the boat pretty
I am proud of the boat
I like to be seen with the boat
I talk about the boat alot

He was getting discouraged. Maybe his wife was right. Suddenly he jumped up. "I got it" he replied, "Someday Honey, I really want a bigger boat"!

[safewalrus]

and now he's talking about her who must be obeyed!

[Bergalia]

A gynecologist was bored with his job and decided that he needed a career change. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines so thought he'd become a marine diesel mechanic. So he went along to marine mechanics school and the final test was to strip the diesel engine completely and reassemble it - obviously back into perfect working order.
Having completed the test he anxiously awaited the result. The day he received the results he got quite a surprise, he got 150%!
He quickly phoned the instructor and queried the mark. The instructor said, "No, that's right. First I gave you 50% for stripping down the engine-a very thorough job. Next I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a fantastic job really. Then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the exhaust port."

The Royal Navy admiral retired and persuaded his orderly of more than twenty-five years to come with him. The admiral told the orderly that even though he would now work for him personally, his duties would be exactly the same as they were in the navy.
On the first morning of the admiral's retirement the orderly came into the admiral's room and woke him. Then he slapped the admiral's sleeping wife on the behind and said, "Okay, sweetheart, it's back onshore for you!"

[Frosty]

[QUOTE=Bergalia;really. Then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the exhaust port." [/QUOTE]

Intake port --intake port --keep it clean!!

[brian eiland]

A gynecologist was bored with his job and decided that he needed a career change....
That was very funny:D :D ....had to resend it out to some friends and associates:rolleyes:

[VKRUE]

Yes indeed, a good one :D

[Frosty]

This joke does not have a boat in it but___

This little cute girl goes into a pet shop and asked 'do you have any wittle wabbits'?
The shop keepers heart melted and he got down on his kness to her and said" we have this wittle white fuffy one here or maybe you might want this wittle bwack fuffy one,Or maybe this wittle bwown one here.

She bent over forward and put her hands on her knees bringing her face up to his and said " I dont wealy fink my Pyfon gives a phuk"

[charmc]

Frosty,

I completely lost it reading that one. I can't stop laughing. Great joke!

[brian eiland]

Not boat related either, but you will get a kick from this Pepsi commercial with Italian flavor:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Em9LAT5EEik

[yipster]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=76wUr3zbCgI :P

[alan white]

A lawyer dies at the exact same time as the pope. The two find themselves together at the gates of heaven just in time to see St. Peter hover down next to them.
"Follow me!" he commands. The two follow close behind, and soon they find themselves in a long corridor.
Presently St Peter finds a door on the right and turns the knob.
"This will be your quarters for eternity, holy father", he says to the pope.
The lawyer glances in as the pope shuffles in. Just a tiny room not six by ten feet, a pallet for a bed, and a cheap chest of drawers with a bible atop of it!
The lawyer begins to sweat as St Peter closes the door on the pope and continues down the corridor. He wonders anxiously what kind of room is waiting for a second rate lawyer who never set foot inside a church.
After some time, they reach another door. As St Peter opens it, the lawyer holds his breath.
Before him is the most magnificent room imaginable. High vaulted ceilings, golden fixtures, TV, hot tub------ not empty either. Three divine nymphs await him with smiles.
The lawyer is stupified.
"How can this be?" he asks St peter. "The holiest man in the world gets that tiny cell, and yet I, a sinner and a lawyer, get all this!!??"
"I know, I know", says St Peter, "But truth is, we've got tons of popes. You, on the other hand, are our very first lawyer!"

[Frosty]

Theres no boat in it,--- no boat!!!! no boat!!!!! Youve got to have a boat in it!!!

[VKRUE]

Sorry Frosty... I see the pun but, I just don't get excited about cute little girls having pythons & cussing.

Again, sorry Alan... I actually believe in God and can't see heaven providing a sinner with the sins of his dreams (Divine Nymphs) as a reward of whatever kind. This kind of joke (to me) is er-rational.

Hope I'm not being a nincompoop... but, I am who I am.

However, Pepsi ala Italy............ Wow... that was good :D :D :D

[Frosty]

I just don't get excited about cute little girls having pythons & cussing.

I actually believe in God and can't see heaven providing a sinner with the sins of his dreams

Its not true, Its a joke, there never was a little girl buying a rabbit for a python.

Its like your god joke,-- there never was one.

I just labouriously typed out a Saudi joke translated into English but I have deleted it. Its not a bad joke but I dont want a fatwa out on me. It is actually a Muslim joke.

[artemis]

I just labouriously typed out a Saudi joke translated into English but I have deleted it. Its not a bad joke but I dont want a fatwa out on me. It is actually a Muslim joke.

Well, the fatwa would legitimitize what many of us are thinking of doing. :P

[alan white]

[QUOTE=VKRUE;149188]Again, sorry Alan... I actually believe in God and can't see heaven providing a sinner with the sins of his dreams (Divine Nymphs) as a reward of whatever kind. This kind of joke (to me) is er-rational.

Hope I'm not being a nincompoop... but, I am who I am.

QUOTE]

You're forgiven. All of us are nincompoops once in a while. Humor is about nincompoop ideas carried to irrational lengths in order to create paradoxes.
Paradoxes are valuable because only by juxtaposing our inner conflicts do we transcend them. The laughter is the pleasurable release of those inner conflicts.
For instance, I'd expected at the very worst that no one would like the joke enough to comment. Yet, paradoxically...
Did you ever see that movie, "Man in the Moon"? True life story about a comedian who carried jokes beyond the usual limits expected by the audience.
In one scene in the movie (and this was based on real events), the comedian is onstage and he invites an elderly woman in the audience onstage. She is apparently a well known former child actress who climbs up onstage to be presented with a duplicate version of a hobby horse she'd ridden in a famous movie scene decades back.
She's invited, for the sake of a bit of nostalgic fun, to sit once again astride the famed hobby horse, which she does in the spirit of the moment.
The hobby horse is mechanical, and it begins to rock back and forth to the delight of the audience. She beams as the horse is put into motion.
Now the comedian turns his back to her and faces the audience, speaking loudly and carrying on for a few moments. Unbeknownst to him, but obvious to the audience, is that something is wrong with the speed mechanism on the horse. While the comedian faces the audience, oblivious to the problem, the speed escalates, the old woman hanging on for all she's worth.
This goes on for what seems like forever, the comedian smiling anmd joking, the audience gradually becoming more and more agitated, the hobby horse moving at impossible speeds, jerking the frail geriatric beyond her human ability to hold on.
Finally, to the audience's horror, the woman is driven to a heat attack, falling to the stage floor.
Now the comedian discovers the situation that's been going on behind his back.
"Is there a doctor in the house?" he cries.
A doctor anounces himself and climbs the stage. He examines the woman and declares her dead.
Thje place is in an uproar. But in a moment, the woman revives and stands up smiling. She'd been in on the joke all along.

I don't think that joke wasn't funny just because I have a mom.

Alan

[Bergalia]

.... I actually believe in God and can't see heaven providing a sinner with the sins of his dream....


Perhaps a new thread is needed to discuss theology, though I feel more feathers (angelic wings) would be ruffled than when touching on politics.
I lost my own belief in the 'established' Christian church during my early teens - but still retain a faith in in the 'wonders' of being alive.
If the 'established' Christian god does exist, then most surely he/she or it must have a sense of humour - why else endow the human with so diverse and inquiring a mind. Eastern philosophies accept this in the varying concepts of Ying and Yang. The opposite of every object. Light and shade, optimism and pessimism, sadness and joy. And humour to offset despondency and pomposity.
Can I suggest VKRUE that your god's finest gift to his subjects is the sense of humour - the ability to laugh at themselves - and at their god. After all, didn't god make man in his own image ?

[alan white]

I would give you a point for that insightful comment Berg, except you've aquired an almost ridiculous supply of them recently, and more would just cause you to lose your keen edge. I had a run like that a while back, and I wore a suit and tie for a week and demanded everyone call me "Mr. White" instead of Whitey. I call the syndrome the "potato shift", and believe me, now that I have settled back to rear position, I feel like myself again.

[Poida]

Alan White I'll have you know that my Mother actually died while riding a rocking horse and I do not find that funny.

Poida

[Frosty]

I wish I could say something clever like what Berg did . If I ever could, it would have been exactly like that.

Talk about hitting the nail on the head in so few words.

Some body should save that and put it in a book or something.

I personally would thouroughly enjoy a gentlemans converstaion on religion or the bible etc.

Should there be one??

[alan white]

Alan White I'll have you know that my Mother actually died while riding a rocking horse and I do not find that funny.

Poida

A Tennesee Walker? I should have added it was a Tennasee Walker. Most rocking horses are Palaminos. I just assumed the Tennesee Walker was a safe bet. I should have said so. Your mother surely died on a Palamino.
Otherwise, I am so sorry to have offended you.

[alan white]

I wish I could say something clever like what Berg did . If I ever could, it would have been exactly like that.

Talk about hitting the nail on the head in so few words.

Some body should save that and put it in a book or something.

I personally would thouroughly enjoy a gentlemans converstaion on religion or the bible etc.

Should there be one??

Why not? How can we end up killing each other and eating each other's hearts raw over the internet? I'm using a fake name, and I imagine most everyone else is too. Let's do it!

[Poida]

Alan you are not at all taking me seriously.

OK,OK she didn't die on a rocking horse, but she did die and it was by only by chance it wasn't on a rocking horse. Otherwise I would have been upset.

Anyway we have Brumbies here and you have to be a real man to break in a Brumby Rocking Horse. Sometimes you have to bring in the Rocking Horse Whisperer.

This is horse $hit.

Poida

[Frosty]

So whos going to start a religion thread.
I dont think it should be me.
Im not that well in with the management.

Alan-??

[Bergalia]

I would give you a point for that insightful comment Berg, except you've aquired an almost ridiculous supply of them recently.....

Here's the secret Alan...I award them to myself when Jeff's not looking....:)

[alan white]

So whos going to start a religion thread.
I dont think it should be me.
Im not that well in with the management.

Alan-??

I'm not sure who you mean by "management", Frosty. But I'm sure He has forgiven your tresspasses.

It was your idea. Besides, Jeff doesn't trust me because I talk to certain questionable characters.
Just don't start speaking in tongues and writhing, or biting off snake heads and you'll be fine. Once you testify, I'll saunter in and drop a few bombshells.

[alan white]

Here's the secret Alan...I award them to myself when Jeff's not looking....:)

Collaboration?

"Great post! Give us more!"

"Better post! You've outdone yourself!"

"Oh no! You've outdone ME once again. I defer."

"Brillant response! Truly, you are a remarkable man!"

"I am nothing. Let me explain that with another point!"

"Too kind! You're giving Gandhi a run, I daresay!"

"I thought YOU were Gandhi, if that last comment on paint remover is any indication!

"Nothing close to that comment you just wrote on constipation at sea! Allow me to thank you!"

"You're great!"

"No! You are!"

"You!"

"You, I insist!"

[Frosty]

Listen guys threres not much joke telling going on so we gotta get outa here and do something or tell jokes --with boats in it.

Alan Great post should have been on the drivel thread though.

I though we were for a second I had to check.

[alan white]

Listen guys threres not much joke telling going on so we gotta get outa here and do something or tell jokes --with boats in it.

Alan Great post should have been on the drivel thread though.

I though we were for a second I had to check.

Thanks Frosty, but your post was far better. Good work!--- Alan

[Frosty]

Come on Alan get this religious thing going!! I cant wait.

By the way have you looked at evilbible.com good entertainment

[Frosty]

Sometimes you have to bring in the Rocking Horse Whisperer.This is horse $hit.Poida

That wouldnt be rocking horse **** would it by any chance because that is very rare stuff and is probably worth a fortune.

Ive had close relatives die and friends and children. It doesnt bother me for some strange reason. We are all going, just at different times.

Like an escalator going up--or going down, when your on it theres no getting off. They just went before we did thats all.

It makes me look after myself better.

[Ike]

Here's a cute Hagar cartoon strip
http://newboatbuilders.com/images/HagarTheHorrible.jpg

[VKRUE]

Now, that's more like it ;)

Cheers to you Ike...................


Frosty....
I'll not get into a debate over the existence of God with you, or anyone else here... especially on a so-called Theology thread.

God specifically stated..."You wicked people ask for a sign (proof of God's existance) but, there will be NO sign given". He was basically saying that he is tired of trying to prove his existance to people who honestly don't care yea or na...regardless of whatever sign or proof he provides... and that you will either believe or not believe.

I have not tried to force any of my beliefs on anyone... Your all big kids now, you can make your own choices... right :)

IMHO

[alan white]

Come on Alan get this religious thing going!! I cant wait.

By the way have you looked at evilbible.com good entertainment

Haven't checked that site yet. And I think a religious thread would be patently insane. I say that knowing I couldn't resist saying what I think, and that would be a baaaaaad idea.

[Frosty]

Your absalutely right Alan I dont think some of our memebers are mature enough to have a debate such as that.

I would srongly suggest that all of you take a look at evilebible.com

I have been there a few times and would appreciate someone elses comments /opinion.

[charmc]

I personally would thouroughly enjoy a gentlemans converstaion on religion or the bible etc. .... So whos going to start a religion thread.
I dont think it should be me.

Frosty, you coward!!

Actually, I would enjoy a gentleman's (and gentlewoman's) conversation on religion, the Bible, Qur' an, etc.

I forsee 2 difficulties, though: The first is keeping such discourse both mannerly and thoughtful. Alan hinted that he'd want to go beyond such bounds, against religion, I believe, although I could be wrong. Vkrue has stated that he'd not take part in such a discussion because of his strong belief in God and the Bible. Give him credit, by the way, for stating his strong convictions in a gentlemanly manner. Alan and Vkrue have demonstrated manners and thoughtfulness in the past; imagine what lesser minds might do with such a topic.

Vkrue's statement leads us to the second difficulty: that religion is a matter of faith. One believes or one does not. Assume for the sake of argument that the God of the monotheistic religions does exist. By definition, as a purely spiritual being who is the source of all that exists in the universe, and exists outside of and independent of that universe, God is beyond our human abilities to understand fully. Scientific proof or the lack thereof is irrelevant.

Having said that, I would welcome a place to have mannerly discussions about these and related topics. I'm not certain a religion thread would be allowed by the cross-dressing (According to Bergalia, that is. I'm just the messenger, Jeff :) ) moderator. Such discussions once took place in the ancient ports at the eastern end of the Mediterranean, where cargo was unloaded from boats in preparation for the overland caravans to the East, and where Christians, Jews, Buddhists, Hindus, pagans, and atheists sat in the taverns and coffeehouses and debated religion, philosophy, and politics with the understanding that anything could be debated, but all combat was verbal.

[charmc]

Evilbible.com certainly has some valid, but obvious, points about Old Testament quotes. The arguments aren't nearly as strong, nor as accurate, when the author of the site attacks the New Testament. The tone, though, sort of, "Ah've finally got the goods on those Christians, Ah'm gonna bring them down!", is a bit sophomoric. His "arguments" have been old news for centuries. Nothing new there, IMHO.

[Poida]

God specifically stated..."You wicked people ask for a sign (proof of God's existance) but, there will be NO sign given".

I've got no idea who reckons God told him that.

I was only talking to God myself earlier and he denies he's said that to anyone.

Poida

[charmc]

A pastor who loved sailing woke up one Sunday and could not resist the lure of the nearby bay, cloudless skies, and 15 knot breeze. He told the young assistant pastor he was sick and could not handle the services that day. Once the assistant had left, he snuck out the back door and made his way down to the pier, where he launched his Laser and sailed out into the bay. There he spotted two other Lasers manuevering for what looked like the start of a match race. He sailed nearer, and recognized Gary Jobson in one boat and Russell Couts in the other. Wanting to race but overwhelmed by the two greats of sailing, he timidly asked if he might join them. They agreed, and they they all set watches and started off to windward. The pastor lagged well behind at first, but as they beat to windward, he began to make up the distance, roll tacking like an Olympic champion and finding every gust of wind. He rounded the upwind buoy only seconds behind the others. Nearing the finish buoy, he pulled even, then crossed the finish line seconds ahead of two of sailing's greatest match racers.

From above, God and a young angel watched the race. "I can't believe You let him win!" said the young angel, "He lied and missed his duty to the church, and you rewarded him by letting him beat two of the world's best sailors in a race?" "Rewarded him", said God, "No, I punished him." "I don't understand," said the young angel. "Look at it this way," said God, "Who can he tell?"

[PI Design]

classic! :D

[Frosty]

Evilbible.com certainly has some valid, but obvious, points about Old Testament quotes. The arguments aren't nearly as strong, nor as accurate, when the author of the site attacks the New Testament. The tone, though, sort of, "Ah've finally got the goods on those Christians, Ah'm gonna bring them down!", is a bit sophomoric. His "arguments" have been old news for centuries. Nothing new there, IMHO.

Well does it matter that he fails to keep up a very strong argument all the way through? I think what he was saying --and he does it very well, is that how could there be a god that does this-- bash babies against rocks, how to treat slaves, sell and to who your children. Raping is Ok, taking wifes for themselves, Etc Etc Etc horrendous quotations from the bible that I have to say that even after my very religious schooling i was not told this.

God said thought shalt not kill!! do you know what the penalty is for this--death.

The ten commandments in there entirity are a little different from the opening line.

God apparantly is quoted in the Bible to have on many occasions instructed the death of thousands, including oxen and thier beasts!!

I mean its there he challenges you to find him wrong. He quotes book and verse before he quotes a passage.

I had all religious tendancies bashed out of me at school. I dont need help in deciding anything. And if I feel I need some re confirmaton I just listen to the 6 O clock news.

[charmc]

Well does it matter that he fails to keep up a very strong argument all the way through? I think what he was saying --and he does it very well, is that how could there be a god that does this-- How to bash babies against rocks, how to treat slaves, how to sell and to who your children. Etc Etc Etc horrendous quotations from the bible that I have to say that even after my very religious schooling i was not told this.

I think it does matter that he fails to keep up a very strong argument all the way through. It matters also that he's simply rehashing arguments that are centuries old.

That I find him neither original nor particularly effective in his arguments does not mean that I am any less appalled at the Old Testament descriptions of Yahweh ordering or causing the slaughter of millions (in aggregate) of women, children, and infants.

I, like you, had religious training in school, and they omitted the icky parts in my school, too. Since then, though, I've learned the grownups' version. I read the Bible from cover to cover while in college, so I've known all this for a long time. Some days I think the greatest proof of God's existence is the fact that there are still so many believers, after all these millenia of humans screwing up religion.

I have interesting discussions with friends who believe that every word in the Bible (English language translation, King James version, derived from multiple earlier English translations of Greek and Hebrew texts with political intervention by King James I for the purpose of bolstering the position of the Church of England) is literally the word of God, so literally true. Well, maybe not literally true, since they all back away from killing their son if he should says he's gay, or from stoning their married sister to death if she should have an affair.

I am not in any way making fun of those who believe in the literal truth of the Bible. I simply point out some of the contradictions and horrible scenes of slaughter that make it impossible for me to accept it as literally true.

[Poida]

Shouldn't discussions about religion be in the drivel thread, or is there too much drivel to qualify?

[charmc]

I suppose there are those who would say that whenever we get off a strict boating topic, the result is pretty much all drivel. :D :D

[Frosty]

Nope I think -- we need a few laughs is the perfect place.

Jeees my points are dropping again, it was'nt just my idea you know,

[Ike]

All of this reminds me of a man I met while I was stationed in Salt Lake City Utah, He was a minister and just loved to sail. One of his parishoners sarcastically referred to him as a rag man (as opposed to stink potters) and the minister gently corrected him. "I prefer to call myself a man of the cloth"

[safewalrus]

Aint God in the boating thread? what the hell was it Noah built then? a block of flats? .........nah aint got the same ring has it?

Noah go build a block of flats and fill it with animals (bit like a typical London suburb) and I'll make it rain for weeks and you'll save them all! Not with the price of gas these days you won't never be able to cook for them all, and what if the drains become blocked? it'll stink to high heaven (Precisely quoth God) - naw can't see it catching on, back to the drivel thread methinks!

As for this monotheism, can't see any respecting God wanting to talk to himself all the time either -that won't catch on!

[Frosty]

OOO youlle get some points knocked off for that,-- disrespect.

Thers some very religious people on this forum.

As the British police would say-- youve been nicked mate.

[safewalrus]

guess your right for a change - been a day for it! Kicking ar** and getting told off! but that's me mate, like a bit of disrespect! thrive on it in fact ;)

[charmc]

but that's me mate, like a bit of disrespect! thrive on it in fact ;)

I'm shocked, Mike, never wudda guessed! :eek: :eek: :P :P

[charmc]

I'll be off line for a few days, travelling with my beloved.

To my American friends here: enjoy the holiday!
To my Canadian friends here: hope you enjoyed the holiday!
To all my other friends here: find some reason to enjoy!

[timgoz]

Have a good trip Charlie. Happy Fourth.

Tim

[safewalrus]

yeah have a good one Charlie and Happy Fourth (even if we were on opposing sides - actually until then we were all on the same side! go figure! anyway go enjoy!!

[Frosty]

This bloke goes into a bar and orders a pint. He says to her "tickle your arse with a feather' She looks at him disguted and says "I beg you pardon". So he says in a louder voice" particulary nasty weather" "oh yes"

The village idiot in the corner thinks that was hilarious, laughing and giggling.

He gets up and says to the barmaid" tickle your arse with a feather" She says "I beg your pardon" , he says "its pissing it down outside"

[Bergalia]

More semen orientated than seaman...and bound to upset the catholic reader. (My wife kicked the crap out of me when I told her...) But here goes.

The Pope was troubled with his waterworks and the Vatican doctor gravely suggested that the only relief would be through sex. The Cardinals were shocked, but the Pope held up his hand and agreed to do it - on four conditions.
The first condition, he told the Cardinals, was that the young woman must be blind so she couldn't see with whom she was doing the deed. The second condition that she should be deaf and not recognise her partner through the sounds he might make, the third condition that she must also be dumb and could not speak of the event afterwards.
And the fourth condition, asked the Cardinals?
'Big tits' said the Pope.

[Frosty]

I dont know how you manage to get away with it. I really dont.

[alan white]

I dont know how you manage to get away with it. I really dont.

Watch it, Frosty! I almost took a point away for your judgemental behavior with Bergalia! Don't you ever learn?