BOAT JOKES (we need a few laughs)

[bobg3723]

Odessa eh ! You have the same problem I have getting to water then. Bloody long stretch.

I was looking at some land sailors... a 3 wheeled flat cart with a sail on it.
You can tell I'm desperate to sail.

Everything on this checks out, no side drift, fast, safe, enjoyable, no sea sickness, just land sickness (Frosty)... but how the hell do you fish from this thing ?

Imagine how insanely fast you'ld get replacirng those wheels with blades of steel. Put pontoons on em' for the summer enthusiasts, and you've all four-season covered.

It's would be kinda tough to fish out them at trolling speeds. :P :D

[Fanie]

Nope... just mount those fat tyres you get. Water, road... same thing .

[bobg3723]

Fanie
I actually knew a fellow in this predicament. His girlfriend was his sister-in-law and his wife found out when he was visiting her and her sister while giving birth. By then the house payments were getting beyond his ability to pay so was selling the house.

A very tangled web. He also owned a boat that he entertained various mistresses from time to time. The boat went the same way as the house. Word around the yacht club was that he had entertained something like 9 different women over a couple years.

Rick W.

I'm going to christen my Duo 900 'Carrida', which is Spanish for 'Mistress'.

Honey, I'm going to take a ride on my Carrida.;)

[bobg3723]

I found that the blades work best on frozen water. I wish they'ld told me THAT backing down the boat ramp. :P :p

[bobg3723]

What does an Information Technologist call it whenever he changes a burnt out lightbulb?

A performance upgrade.

[bobg3723]

This drunkard walks into a bar, jubilant as hell. "What's all the excitment about", asks the barkeep. "I just let this genie out of the bottle and he granted me three wishes, and for my first I want me a mug of beer that never goes empty", said he. "Well, here's your perperpetual mug of beer, friend", the barkeep said with disbelief at first, then was struck dumbfounded when it indeed never ran out. "What are your other two wishes", asked the barkeep. The man grinned and said, "I'll have two more just like that one!".

[bobg3723]

What goes CLOP CLOP CLOP, BANG BANG, CLOP CLOP CLOP?

An Amish drive-by shooting.

[bobg3723]

This psychologist sat this man on his couch and asked him, "It's obvious you're just a bit psychotic, but why are you holding that steering wheel on your crotch?'. "My wife is to blame," he said angrily ",she just drives me nuts!".

[bobg3723]

Why do women still need to have men around when a vibrator does its job so much better than a man could?

Vibrators can't mow the lawn.

[bobg3723]

What do you call a man who doesn't understand the concept of Hell?

Unmarried.

[lazeyjack]

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City , where
a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance
is
a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY
ONCE!
There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper
ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular
floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back
down
except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to
find
a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These
men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where
the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's
nice',
she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor
sign
reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good
Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to
the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love
Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!'
she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor
and the sign reads:Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead
Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is
so
tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this
floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. PLEASE NOTE: To avoid
gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just
across
the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has
wives that love sex and have money. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth
floors have never been visited.

[Knut Sand]

Don't know if this has been mentioned here before.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go

Achmed - the dead terrorist....

:D

[the1much]

ya need to watch jeff dunhams whole stand-up,,,,i see him on t.v. the other night,,,had to stop watching it and go to the store for some adult diapers,,,,,,i cried for over an hour,,hehe :D:D:D:D

[Butch .H]

George Carlin is more my speed. Then the bugger whent and kicked the bucket

[the1much]

i liked him alot too,,,,thats why i like jeff so well,,,ya should see all 4 of his skits,,hahaha :D

[Fanie]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.

The man says, 'I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. 'That will be $6.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,' and the ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.' Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.¢ No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad,' says the man, 'same for me,' says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, 'That will be $12.62.' Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses, and answers...'My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs...who agrees with everything I say!

[masalai]

Beaut joke Fanie, Thanks - - - No points available to distribute sadly, just verbal praise & smilies :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

[the1much]

GENEVA (AFP) - A giant inflatable dog turd by American artist Paul McCarthy blew away from an exhibition in the garden of a Swiss museum, bringing down a power line and breaking a greenhouse window before it landed again, the museum said Monday.

The art work, titled "Complex S(expletive..)", is the size of a house. The wind carried it 200 metres (yards) from the Paul Klee Centre in Berne before it fell back to Earth in the grounds of a children's home, said museum director Juri Steiner.

The inflatable turd broke the window at the children's home when it blew away on the night of July 31, Steiner said. The art work has a safety system which normally makes it deflate when there is a storm, but this did not work when it blew away.

Steiner said McCarthy had not yet been contacted and the museum was not sure if the piece would be put back on display.

[masalai]

Apparently the "hole" in the **** did not happen so was it a wholly holeless 5hit that was wholly empty or should have been bit it was full of wind so the wind carried it away the question remains "whose big fat a****** did that come from?"
Gives new meaning to the expletive "Wholly S***"

[masalai]

Grandma in Traffic
OR
Praise the Lord



Dear grandchild,


The other day I had purchased a bumper sticker that read “Honk if you love Jesus” and I was merrily tootling along enjoying the trip home after the nice man stuck the sticker on my bumper...


I was sitting in the front row, waiting for the lights to change and thinking of how nice people can be and how much I loved Jesus. All of a sudden I was startled by honking, and bless me, I was feeling so happy, with all the people expressing how much they loved Jesus too – must have good eyes to read my bumber sticker. How marvellous....


Then people started wishing me “Joyous times on sunny beaches” I think – it was a little difficult to understand with all the honking... and you know that “Hawaiian greeting of happiness” sign you make with the second finger extended and all the others curled over, well, that was when I figured that I was really being wished a joyous time at the beach – bless their loving hearts....


Just then I suddenly realised that the traffic lights were green and I was the only one who made it through the intersection, so I could not depart without showing these loving people of my appreciation at their 'beach side wishes' and honking their love of Jesus, that I stopped and got out and, because I was a little distant, I stood up and extended the “Hawaian greeting of happiness” to all and, the love of Jesus was almost overwhelming, so I got back in to my car and sped home to tell you of my wonderful experience, and that you should by going to church and praying to Jesus more often...


God Bless You Grandchild
Grandma...



So, when you get held up in a stream of traffic that does not seem to be moving, think of Grandma, she may be up front Praising the Lord again...

[masalai]

I think this now qualifies as a joke?

Traders know that they are ********ting pricks... A relly I have has traded all over the ME, has close friends in most countries.... will not trust folk from a certain nation as far as he can throw them.

Axiom : Market action makes news... not the reverse. Media commentary is 20/20 hindsight.

Saudis oil reserves have been remarkably stable considering all the pumping over the years.... never go up, never go down????????????? Trust that?

Listen to the industry directly ... http://www.worldenergysource.com/



Old chart, but look at the rig count? Are they behaving like a country swimming in oil or one desperately searching for more?


That is why I said "sucking the last out" and the "production is almost flat - with the occasional hole yielding an improved flow. Information on how deep they go and average drilled depth per ?period? would make evaluation easier. and a vague idea as to the "success rate" of the new holes (can they get oil or is it dry or "injection") as a %. I would have thought 15 rigs in a "mature field" an indication of quiet panic, and growing to "what the heck - we need the money/oil to prepare for end-times".....

Trying to keep the LHS knowing what was happening on the RHS

The biggest hit coming is if the US hits "speculators" with legislation. It will be temporary and have the net effect of starving the industry of the capital required to expand supply.... ultimately it will lead to much higher prices. 1970's price controls MkII.... yeah yeah we believe in a free markets but we don't trust it enough to let it alone


Michael Greenberger, former head of the Commodities Futures Trading Commission, raises an argument I posed here a while back, but he does a better job of explaining it than I did. I could be wrong, but I still suspect that there is more than simple commodities investing affecting the rapid crude futures increases.

"... about 30 percent of our crude oil energy futures are traded in what is called a dark market, that is a market that was deregulated in December of 2000 at the behest of Enron. Prior to that legislation being passed, all energy futures traded in the United States or affecting the United States in a significant fashion were regulated by United States regulators under a very careful regime that had been perfected over about 78 years, and many observers believe that because those markets are not being policed, malpractices are being committed and traders are able to boost the price virtually at their will.
Well, this has been called the "Enron Loophole" and there are many legislators working very hard to close that loophole. There is tremendous concern about this on Capitol Hill and on a bipartisan basis, people are drafting legislation to try and get a handle on this and not eliminate speculation, but bring the speculation under the kind of time-tested controls that were used until Enron had its way and amended the law (sic) to escape traditional tested regulation on speculative activities."



Your politicians are looking for a whipping boy, I don't know what more to say... any action they take here to target "speculators" will achieve two things 1. Higher prices.... 100% guaranteed, it will limit capital flow into the sector and result in slower supply response.... what ever you attribute the high price to this is fundamental 2. Drive trade off shore to the OS oil bourses being established in response to the weakening USD. These funds are not limited to the US, tell an index fund that it can't hold US oil futures and it will move to another international vehicle. Your government is in effect powerless here and any action by them that is perceived as hostile will drive point 2. That is happening anyway but they will accelerated it.

Both outcomes are disastrous for the US ... sigh.. but since when has that stopped pollies taking aim at there own feet? If they do legislate here they will come to realise sooner rather than later that the US is no longer the king pin and decisions can no longer be taken only in the context of the US markets.

Regulating a "dark market" is one thing, closing out a particular class of investor is another. The truth here is that Wall Street got caught short agianst what it thought was a sheep (index funds) ripe for the shearing. Its now doing what it always does, pushing for rule changes to suit it and bail it out.

Whatever... demand is 1.5mbpd over supply, until that resolves price will be strong absent jiggering with the market and any adjustment period that precipitates. With elections on there way I fully expect some stupid moves to contain the price.... dollars to doughnuts it will not be effective past the short term.

You cannot legislate away shortage... end of.


All the best to you, this is going to be entertaining at the least...


Inventories jumped miraculously and then leveled out around the time OPEC tied production quotas to reserves. Go figure.....?

yes, production could literally "drop off a cliff" over the next 5 years.... remarkable thing is just how much we don't know about what could happen here. Its a fascinating study in human behaviour...

[the1much]

hahahhhaa,,,,go grandma!! ,,,wellman,,,only "virtual" points,,,,,,,id give grams 1000 if i could,,haha :D:D:D:D:D:D

[Fanie]

Three mother were talking about their teenage doughters -

The first said she found some boxes of sigarettes in her doughter's draw, she is so shocked and she never suspected her doughter was a smoker.

The second said she found bottles of Captain Morgan in her doughter's cupboard, she is so shocked and she never suspected her doughter was a drinker.

The third said she found a whole bunch of condoms in her doughter's handbag, she is so shocked and she never suspected her doughter had a penis.

[Fanie]

He he... the wife told me this joke, and I am so shocked since I never suspected she had a sense of humour :D

[Fanie]

Finally. South Africa succeeded in taking three gold medals at the olympics.



Unfortunately they were seen and had to give them back.

[Fanie]

The 10th anual small kock carnival is on again this weekend.
We are asking you NOT to participate to give someone else the chance of winning for a change.
Thanks Champ !!!

[bobg3723]

What animial goes "MARK MARK"?

A dog with a hairlip.

[masalai]

"How saaaad" was my Lovely Ladies comment when I told her that her countrymen (India), could only muster ONE medal in this Olympics - with as many people as China to draw from???? - Not real good at cricket either - need the Aussies over there to bolster their teams in an internal competition........

[the1much]

i see an aussie joke on t.v. today,,,was the racing yacht "austraila1" or "aussie1" ,,going along,,,and broke in half,,,,,,,,,,,,,,gotta love saving weight,,,hehe ;) MAKE IT THINNER,,, that should work hehe :P

[Butch .H]

Aussies and The Bok's tomorrow Mas you want to put money on it:D Oh good morning to you

[masalai]

I only bet on sure things, and I WOULD HATE TO SEE YOU LOOSE

Good Morning World we are still here cause NZ doesn't really count and Aus is the most "Easterly", currently logged in.....?

[Fanie]

I must say since the rugby got 'apartheid' (whatever that is), politics and became paid players they play up to ****. What happened to the guys that WANTED to play ?

I don't watch rugby any more, I get P O in two minutes as every ******** on the field wants to become an instant hero. Just check the amount of medals they are getting at the olympics. If you can put 2 and 2 together you have the answer.

The reason for their poor olympic performance was 'political interference'. I wonder which philamon thought that excuse up...

So Mas, if Butch wants to be dumb enough to bet on the boks, do take his money :D Share it with you... I have a boat to build and I need lots of smackeroo's

[Butch .H]

Fanie the only smackeroo's you gonna get are Golden smackeroos:P :P . Can you belive I have season tickets for the rugbish.I havent gone once:D :D :D

[masalai]

What a joke, note - - I am not really laughing..... :D

[Fanie]

I told you... I want half the bet money ok !

[Butch .H]

What was the score ??

[Fanie]

Dunno... but because they lost their poor play was mentioned on tv. Had they won by some fluke they would have been heroes.

[Manie B]

Here are a couple of funnies for the Saffas that think of the " good old souf efriku"

[Manie B]

sorry the1

dont like to peeees the yanks of

BUT some of this **** is kinda funneeeee:D

[Fanie]

He he... the one with zooooma and his showers is brilliant :D Great pictures Manie. There's even one with a boat in it too :rolleyes:

[the1much]

Texas Deputy vs New York Lawyer


Only in Texas my friends....

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a
sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy
because
he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better
education then any cop from Houston , Texas . He decides to prove
this to
himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

The deputy says," License and registration, please."

"What for?" says the lawyer.

The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at
the stop sign."
Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming.

"You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the
deputy. License and registration, please."

The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"


"The difference is you have to come to complete stop,
that's the law. License and registration, please!" the Deputy says.

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference
between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and
registration;
and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me

the
ticket."



"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the
deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and
starts beating the ever-loving sh -- out of the lawyer and says,
"Do
you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

[masalai]

I feel that lawyer finally met "justice"?

[the1much]

since im on the cowboy kick,,heres notha,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

A cowboy and his wife had just been married and went to a hotel for their honeymoon.

The man went to the front desk and asked for a room.
He said, "This here is a very special 'casion...our wedding night, and we need a good room with a strong bed."

The clerk winked and asked, "Do you want the Bridal?"

The Cowboy thought about it a while and then replied, "No, I guess not. I'll just hold on to her ears until she gets used to it."

[masalai]

I think the "points system" is turned off - thank Goodness - at last Appreciation for your post Jim....

[the1much]

hahaha,,,,TY Mas. ;)

[safewalrus]

Nope still can't post repitation points to you Jim -pity the last couple is deserv-ed of them! So have 'ee a few verckual ones ///////////////////////

[masalai]

Wrong key Safie?, try this one (c&p if you must) :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

[the1much]

hehe,,, well my rep points getting to damned high anywayz,,,christ, people will think i know something,,,,, and we DONT need that,,hehe ;)
Thanky Saferz

[masalai]

Hi Jim, - - I can't give you points either - just bloody numbers to say "someone" appreciates what one has posted more than someone that didn't....

[the1much]

Hi Jim, - - I can't give you points either - just bloody numbers to say "someone" appreciates what one has posted more than someone that didn't....

well i know you all just appreciate me just being here :D ,,,,, wait,,,, this aint the "superiority" thread is it,,,,hehe :P

[Meanz Beanz]

I can piss straight up 20tf.... am I in the right place?

[the1much]

i can piss 20' straight down :P

[Fanie]

Africa :D

[Fanie]

You guys just talk and talk...

[Fanie]

You guys just talk and talk...

[Fanie]

You guys just talk and talk...

[Fanie]

You guys just talk and talk...


Pic 3 = RGB display calibration utilities

[the1much]

weedeater conversion :)

[masalai]

Better late than never,

Well the red and green are a bit too pink and yellow respectively and their tits are collapsing too....

I mostly piss straight - I hate it when men think their dick does not miss but still manage to piss on the walls - - - "It is smaller than you think ********"....

Oh sorry, I thought this was the adult love/hate thread...... ooooops? :D:D:D:D

[Meanz Beanz]

"It is smaller than you think ********"....

Crew to Cap't while engaged in peeing off the back of the boat.

Water warm Cap't?

Yeah.... and bloody deep too! :rolleyes:

[the1much]

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she

reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this

would give her enough slack to raise her leg She tried to take the

step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a

little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan

and yelled, 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.'

[the1much]

AN EMAIL FROM THE WIFE, BE SURE AND READ THE 'PS' AT THE END OF THIS EMAIL

To my darling husband, before you return from your business trip I just wanted to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the drive way, not too bad, and fortunately I didn't get hurt, so please try not to worry so much about me. I was coming home from Wal Mart and when I turned into the drive, I accidentally pushed the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent, but fortunately the pick up came to a halt when it hit your car. I am sorry, but I know with your kind hearted personality and love, you will forgive me. You know how much I love you. I am enclosing a picture for you. I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife xoxoxoxo

http://i348.photobucket.com/albums/q333/the1much/ATT00107.jpg


P.S. Your Girlfriend Called!

[safewalrus]

Whoops!


the moral of the story is "don't give your girlfriend your landline number - and take your mobile with you" My trouble is when I can't be reached on the mobile it diverts to the home number - guess it might just be an idea to change that!

[the1much]

i wont give my phone # to either my wife or my girlfriend,,,,,hahahaha :D

[Meanz Beanz]

Spend a few minutes to step back in time and have an orgasm. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWrW1fPhSEU)

[safewalrus]

So that's what happens?

[Manie B]

T G I F

Another hour to go and i can start working on my boat:idea:

Bloody marvelous - i actually look forwards to weekends now:D

No more house and garden **** for this old fart:cool:

anyway Sefriku will keep the world amused - with our next President coming along rather handsomely all the saffas out there can have a giggle he he he

have a brandy and coke yeah man

[masalai]

Hi Manie, Good to see you "enjoying life to the fullest" :D:D:D

[Fanie]

Hi Mas !!

Hi Manie, Good to see you "enjoying life to the fullest"

You mean "enjoying your doughter's aerobics space to the fullest" :D

Poor kid. Will probably have to run away from home just to finally get a little place of her own :rolleyes:

[masalai]

Hi Fanie, I am waiting for Lovely Lady (an Indian) to arrive - I will show her your LL with the "reset button" - - should get a reaction - - hope it does not hurt too much/long after I am hit.... :D:D

[Manie B]

Mas DONT do it, you are looking for beeeeeeeeg ****:D

[Meanz Beanz]

...have a brandy and coke yeah man

Dark but funny toon's Manie..

[Fanie]

Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights Each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks
he's pushing himself too hard, So for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club
greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'
His wife is puzzled And asks if he's been to this club before. 'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual And brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?' 'I
recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'
A stripper then comes over to their table, Throws her arms around Bob, Starts to rub herself all over him and says,
'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'
Bob's wife, now furious, Grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a
cab. Before she can slam the door, He jumps in beside her.
Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper Must have mistaken him for someone else, But his wife is having
none of it . She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, Calling him every 4 letter word in the book. The
cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

BOB's funeral will be on Friday :D

[Fanie]

Before marriage.....

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!





After marriage....
Simply read from bottom to the top.

[Manie B]

busy busy busy

anyway here are a couple of cheeky ones:D

[Butch .H]

Much / Mas / Manie / Fanie your constructive criticism of this bo???? floting hen house floating thing:D :D :D :D Its for sale or somthing:D :D

[masalai]

UmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmMMMmmmMM (need zen inspiration here) do you guys celebrate "Guy Faux day"? (the day 5 nov) when the brits almost had their parliament and house blown up - literally.... - - - - What I am suggesting is something similar - but load it with Philemon's thieving family first and tow it out deep so all can enjoy the spectacle?

Deep roast long pig?

Oh I almost forgot, load the foredeck with lots of timber logs (buoyancy?)

[the1much]

i dont think i would let my chickens sleep in that thing,, i bet you throw a rock at it,, and the picture would be much smaller,,,hehe :D

[Fanie]

Where's the other hull :confused:

[the1much]

Where's the other hull :confused:

you mean the "outside" one? hehe :D

[masalai]

Fanie likes pussy (cats)

[Manie B]

Thanks but no thanks

i just dont have the personality to fix that
rather start from scratch:D

[Butch .H]

I found this in a ad on GumTree under boats for sale in Cape Town.You need to see the rest of the photos . It is unbelivable what some people do to perfetly good lifeboats. Ill bet the grey paint is that industrial stuff you use on floors. I was wondering if it could be used to smuggle chickens to Lesotho :D :D :D .

[Fanie]

That looks like a canoe... if it has two hulls one could make something decent of it ;)

[Butch .H]

Ok stand-by! Look how well this chap is applying that paint brush.He does look happy shame .The call of the sea and all that crap. Bet he didnt think we would end up criting this dream boat:D :D :D His add said things have changed and he needs to lot go of this project. KAK! the munisipality gave him 24 hrs to remove that eye sore:P :P I have a feeling the airforce keep trying to rescue him when he hauls out that day glo orange paint:D :D.Sleeps 10 hens and one cock I deal hen house for Huricane prone places:D

[Fanie]

There is this believe you should paint the inside orange so the rescue can find you. In most cases it's the underside that should be painted :rolleyes:

Q - If google earth can spot cars etc, why can't they use the technology to determine where boats etc is at sea. All searches can be done automatic since the computer can show an image when it detects any colour other than the normal sea surface colours.

[Meanz Beanz]

Yellow is the colour in my experience --- so much more visible than orange it ain't funny. Gawd knows why orange is used so much.

[Meanz Beanz]

There is this believe you should paint the inside orange so the rescue can find you. In most cases it's the underside that should be painted :rolleyes:

Q - If google earth can spot cars etc, why can't they use the technology to determine where boats etc is at sea. All searches can be done automatic since the computer can show an image when it detects any colour other than the normal sea surface colours.


The high res google earth stuff is aerial photography not satellite, they start with satellite and then zoom into aerial.... or so I am told by peeps who should know.

[the1much]

yes google does the aircraft pics,, their satellite that they use cant even pick out a house. the "close up" pics are from a plane.
Yellow and Red are the highest viability colors,,,,,, ask the "advertisers" they've known this for years.

[Butch .H]

Fanie you want him to put that in the water?It should stay on the sand bud:D :D

[the1much]

dont you mean UNDER the sand? hehe :D:D;)

[Butch .H]

Thanks much! better still Fanie under the sand :P :P

[Fanie]

Coming from you scrubby adolescents I will take no heed.

Damn I'm irritated :( My boating stuff is draging... too slow.

[the1much]

we "adolescents" call that "old foggie building",,, you can call it "draggin" if it makes ya feel better,,,hehe :D;)

[2way]

hehehe, some funnies here.

[the1much]

hehehe, some funnies here.

i see NOTHING funny about it 1 bit!!!
hehe :D

[masalai]

Ok so I am sad and comfort feeding on chocolate (boy am I putting on weight too...)

"There are times when chocolate can solve your problems" - - - I wish

"I intend to live forever - - so far so good" - - - but I am ageing too fast - unless I regress back to childhood?

"Save Earth, It's the only planet with chocolate" - - - have I posted that before?

"Silence, I'm having a DOVE (registered trade mark) moment" - - - dreaming of regressing back to childhood and get another chance to get that dream boat....

[Manie B]

Mas

honestly even if you just build a little sailing tender in the mean time

you cannot beleive how well it works for one's morale

just that feeling of actually doing something "boat"

and even if you just get to sail it a couple of sundays also good

building a boat is the fun of the boating thing - going often to the harware store to talk **** - the neighbours come over to talk nonsence - the wife shaking her head.

It is a life style - believe me - fu3k the shrinks - i am my own therapy:D :D :D

it keeps you busy most evenings and weekends - no more **** TV

my Jarcat should be on the water by Dec

[Manie B]

The Dove also had a BEEEG impact on my young days

[masalai]

Your younger days? If I posted my true image it would make Mr Burns of the "Simpsons" cartoon look positively youthful - - - I am on my third "second childhood" and by now, know my competencies and capabilities, and building - even a bookshelf - is not one of them :D:D:D

[Meanz Beanz]

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'

Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holy Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.

He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

[Fanie]

Research has showed that the average South African walks about 120km per year,
the research has also showed that the same South Africans consume about 9 liter of brandy per year.

This means South Africans get about 13.33 km to the liter.

How are people in your country doing :D

[Fanie]

Just thought I'd lift your day a bit with politics :rolleyes:

Google for Zapiro... he's got some nice stuff.

[Butch .H]

Fanie I object most strongly to this picture . You are actualy implying that he has a brain:P :P :P :P :P

[Fanie]

Eh !! I happen to like Bush, at least he stands for something. A pity he doesn't come sort things out a bit closer eh !

[Fanie]

At the end of the tax year, the Australian Tax Office sent an Inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle
drippings?"

Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."


"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"


"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.


"We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do
with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Australian Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick " !!!.

[Fanie]

The US guys...

Dr. Marc Faber concluded his monthly bulletin (June 2008) with the following:

'The federal government is sending each of us a $600 rebate. If we spend thatmoney at Wal-Mart, the money goes to China. If we spend it on gasoline it goes to the Arabs. If we buy a computer it will go to India. If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico,Honduras an Guatemala. If we purchase a good car it will go to Germany. If we purchase useless scrap it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy. The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes and beer, since these are the only products still produced in US. Have you done your part ?

[Fanie]

A koala was sitting in a gum tree...... smoking a joint

When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints.

After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river. The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far over and fell into the river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,

'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said,

'Holy shiit, duuuuuude.....
How much water did you drink?!!

[Meanz Beanz]

Koala's always look stoned.... :D Crocs on the other hand :p

[the1much]

my kind of joke Fanie,,,hahahahaha :D:D

[masalai]

Sheeeesh, still not allowed to give points of praise - - - - anyway Fanie, much appreciated..... Kindly stop praising our tax office/bureaucrats they all seem to be renal failures - haven't encountered a "prick" yet - don't get to see the executives though.... hehehe

[Fanie]

Eh eh it's friday :D

[Fanie]

Goodnight guys ;)

[Fanie]

The wife came home early to find her husband making love to a beautiful sexy young woman.

'You unfaithful, disrespectful jerk! What are you doing? How dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house and I want a divorce!'

The husband, replied, 'Wait! Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened.'

'It'll be the last thing I will hear from you so make it fast, you cheating creep.'

'While driving home this young lady asked for a ride. I saw her so defenceless that I went ahead and allowed her into my car. I noticed she was very thin, not well dressed and dirty. She mentioned she had not eaten for three days. Out of compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain more weight.

When I served them to her, the poor young thing, practically inhaled them. Since she was dirty I asked her if she'd like to bathe. While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were worn-out and full of holes so I threw them away.

Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you no longer wear because they're too tight on you, I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you dont wear because I don't have good taste.

I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you won't wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair.

After she dressed, I walked the young woman to the door where she turned around and with tears of gratitude streaming down her cheeks,
she asked me,

'Sir, do you have anything else your wife doesn't use?'

[Fanie]

Why Boats Are Better Than Women:

Boats only need their fluids changed every year.

Boats curves never sag.

Boats last longer.

Boats don't get pregnant.

You can ride a Boat any time of the month.

Boats don't have parents.

Boats don't whine unless something is really wrong.

You can share your Boat with your friends.

If your Boat makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.

You only need to get a new belt for your Boat when the old one is really worn.

If your Boat smokes, you can do something about it.

Boats don't care about how many other Boats you have ridden.

When riding, you and your Boat both arrive at the same time.

Boats don't care about how many other Boats you have.

Boats don't mind if you look at other Boats, or if you buy Boating magazines.

If your Boat is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it.


Boats don't insult you if you are a bad boater.

Boats don't care if you are late.

You don't have to take a shower before riding your Boat.

It's always ok to use tie downs on your Boats.

If your Boat doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.

You can't get diseases from a Boat you don't know very well.

You can have a beer while riding your Boat.

You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Boat.

You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Boat.

You don't have to convince your Boat that you're a Boater and that you think that all Boats are equals.

If you say bad things to your Boat, you don't have to apologise before you can ride it again.

You can ride a Boat as long as you want and it won't get sore.

Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Boat after you dump it.

Boats always feel like going for a ride.

[Fanie]

Ahemmm...

[masalai]

Nice ones Fanie - Pity, it is only tokens - "...well it is the thought that counts..." :D:D:D:D

[the1much]

i had a thought,,,hehe :D:D:D

[masalai]

I don't think that one counts :D:D:D:D:P (dirty mind!!)

[SamSam]

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while.
What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
Bartender: "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
Pirate: "Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
Bartender: "Well, okay, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
Pirate: "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.
My hand was cut off, then got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."
Bartender: "What about that eye patch?"
Pirate: "Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over I looked up and one of them **** in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you lost an eye just from bird ****."
Pirate: "It was my first day with the hook."

[Fanie]

An Afrikaner guy, an Aussie, a beautiful girl and an old woman are sitting in a train. The train suddenly goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark.

Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!

The train comes out of the tunnel.

The old woman, beautiful girl and the Afrikaner guy are sitting there looking perplexed. The Aussie is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap.

The old woman is thinking: "That Aussie must have tried to kiss that girl and got slapped."

The Aussie is thinking: "Damn it, that Afrikaner guy must have tried to kiss the beautiful girl. She thought it was me and slapped me instead."

The beautiful girl is thinking: "That Aussie must have moved to kiss me, but kissed the old lady instead and got slapped."

The Afrikaner guy is thinking: "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound, and m0er that Aussie again!"

[Fanie]

Once a king always a king, but once a knight is not enough...

Money means nothing to you,when one asks you for money,one gets nothing...

Why is it 'pants', but one 'bra' ?

[Fanie]

No comments eh... you ausies are a bunch of sissies, By now I's at least expected a couple of hand signs... :D

[Meanz Beanz]

Van in Paris

Van goes to the top house of ill repute in Paris.

He goes up to the Madam and asks,.. "I want your best girl !!".

The Madam then calls her top girl, and the two of them go upstairs.

Two minutes later the girl comes down the stairs screaming,

"Nevair ! nevair ! 'ow can you ask me zat ?"

The Madam is absolutely astounded, as that this has never happened before, but never the less she sends up her second best girl.

Two minutes later the girl also comes down the stairs screaming, "Nevair ! nevair ! 'ow can you ask me zat ?"

The Madam is now intensely curious, since she has experienced everything and is totally unshockable, she then decides that SHE must go upstairs and service this client herself.

Two minutes later the Madam also comes down the stairs screaming, "Nevair ! nevair ! 'ow can you ask me zat ?"

Some guys sitting at the bar and ask her what the hell was going on.

She replies, " 'e vants to pay me in Rands !!!"

[masalai]

And that was the last time a saffa got his rocks off - - - He just got excited and "wet" himself

[Meanz Beanz]

Mandela Visit

President Mandela goes on an official state visit to a small country
in the middle of Africa. At the airport he is met by this country's
Minister of Harbours. All of a sudden Mr. Mandela realizes that this
is absurd, this country has no harbours as it is landlocked! He is
very puzzled and decides to find out what the story is.

At the official state banquet later that evening, he leans over to the
President and asks, "Mr. President, why do you have a Minister of
Harbours when you don't have any harbours?"

The President looks Mr. Mandela straight in the eye and says, "Well
you know that may be true Mr. Mandela, but I was just as puzzled at
why you have a Minister of Law and Order?"

[Meanz Beanz]

http://i191.photobucket.com/albums/z80/MeanzBeanz/stuff/finger.png


:P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P

[Meanz Beanz]

I's at least expected a couple of hand signs... :D

U asked 4 1, U got 1... now U think we R upset :?: :D :p Jeez Louise!

[Fanie]

WHAT !! No new signs ? That one is so old I had a hard time recognizing it :D
Now check these out ;)

[Fanie]

Of course another SA joke is we're presidentless (how many of you can say that :D)

[the1much]

Garden Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.
About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now, the police had arrived.



Breath here......

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed!

Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her.

[Fanie]

Brilliant Jim !! :D :D :D

[masalai]

But yours was for breaking the law - the only ones I can think of , 1 was shot by booth, 1 by a "watergate", 1 for a head-job, Oh and one was shot in the back of the head - - - We in OZ never had one to start with.... maybe a dick-'tator one day?

[Meanz Beanz]

WHAT !! No new signs ? That one is so old I had a hard time recognizing it :D
Now check these out ;)

We are dealing with a saffer, I gotta make sure what ever I use was around fifty years ago otherwise they might not get it :p :p :p :p

[Fanie]

Who's so old ? We were not even here yet. They had signs already then ? I knew they had basic sounds then... :D

[masalai]

I guess, Fanie, the implied age relates to the country being 50 years ago??? :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D ?

[Fanie]

Only gov is a 50 years behind (pun) we don't even have a dick tator here either.

[Meanz Beanz]

Oooo nasty.

[RHP]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby,
checked his weight, and being a little concerned,
asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and
rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional
and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
'No wonder this baby is underweight.
You don't have any milk.'
I know,' she said,
'I'm his Grandma,but I'm glad I came.'

[RHP]

THE WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ??
> >
> > (Passing requires 4 correct answers)
> >
> >
> > 1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?
> >
> > 2) Which country makes Panama hats?
> >
> > 3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
> >
> > 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October
> > Revolution?
> >
> > 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
> >
> > 6) The Canary Islands in the Atlantic are named
> > after what animal?
> >
> > 7) What was King George VI's first name?
> >
> > 8) What colour is a purple finch?
> >
> > 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
> >
> > 10) What is the colour of the black box in a
> > commercial airplane?
> >
> >
> >
> > Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass.
> >
> >
> >
> > Check your answers below.
> >
> >
> >
> > ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ:
> >
> >
> > 1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116
> > years
> >
> > 2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
> >
> > 3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep
> > and Horses
> >
> > 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October
> > Revolution?
> > November
> >
> > 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
> > Squirrel fur
> >
> > 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named
> > after what animal? Dogs
> >
> > 7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert
> >
> > 8) What colour is a purple finch? Crimson
> >
> > 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New
> > Zealand
> >
> > 10) What is the colour of the black box in a
> > commercial airplane?
> > Orange (of course)
> >
> >
> >
> > What do you mean, you failed?? Me, too.
> >
> >
> > (And if you try to tell me you passed, you lie!)
> >
> >

[masalai]

All correct :D:D:D - - - No, I don't lie, I have done that quiz before......

[Fanie]

Girl: Doctor, i want a general check-up
Doc: Ok... remove everything including your bra and panty then lay down
Girl: Oh.. not me Doc... its my Grandma
Doc: Ok Grandma, take a deep breath...

[Fanie]

The Polite Way To Pee


During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach
good manners, asked her students the following question:
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,
how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said, 'Just a minute, I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.'

'What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.'

'And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us
your good manners?'

'I would say:
Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to
shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope
to introduce to you to after dinner.'

[Fanie]

The sex was so good even the neighbours had a cigarette.

[the1much]

my neighbors sex was so good,,, i took pics :P:D

[schakel]

Best boat joke:

Father in law has a stunning classic sailing beauty. (Something as attached)
and son inlaw wants to impress his as well stunnic classic wife. (Something as attached) and he takes her on a night sailing trip., while father in law is away to the office for one day.

When they return and mooring the yacht in the dock son in law sees a very long scratch all along the yacht. My goodness I am the one to blame for this one but.. He' s good with paint and he starts repainting the scratch in exactly the same paint and restores the yacht within the morning just before father in law returns.

While having lunch, father in law speaks about something from which he believes is a miracle: He adresses his story to his daughter and his son in law and says: Yesterday I took this yacht on an outing and I hit a bouy which scratches it along the whole lenght of the boat. Well I go back to the office and when I return the next day: The scratch...... completely gone!

[Fanie]

A man called home to his wife and said, 'Darling , I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up' 'Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas. ' The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, 'Yes! Lots of salmons, some bluegills, and a few swordfishes. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to Do?'








The wife replied, 'I did, dear. They're in your tackle box! ...'

[schakel]

A man called home to his wife and said, 'Darling , I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up' 'Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas. ' The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, 'Yes! Lots of salmons, some bluegills, and a few swordfishes. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to Do?'

The wife replied, 'I did, dear. They're in your tackle box! ...'


Something like: Real man don't wear blue silk pyjamas. Yeah.. nice...
Gues his wife is in for the natural version. He heh...

I had the joke above about the scratch on Sailing Anarchy and I got 3 replies people didn't understand it. Says something about the level, doesn't it.

[Fanie]

You mean they didn't get that the guy had to sleep with his CLOTHES on !!! good grief.









:D



I've had guys getting angry with me for telling a joke they don't understand.

He he... the proverb say if you're not strong then you must be weak
and if you're not clever then you must be dumb :rolleyes:

[Fanie]

What has 4 legs and an arm...A happy pit bull...

[the1much]

What has 4 legs and an arm...A happy pit bull...

hahahaha :P :D :D :D :D :D :D

and i have guys get mad at me when they DO understand my jokes,,,,,,,usually cause its about them :P

[Fanie]

and i have guys get mad at me when they DO understand my jokes
Yip, always in the ****, only the depth varies ;)

Heads you win, tails I lose...

[Fanie]

What did the bra say to the hat?
You go on 'ahead' I'm gonna give these two a lift...

FOR SALE:
Complete Encyclopedia set.
No longer needed.
Got married last week.
Wife knows everything...

[Sean Herron]

Hello...

Two guys new to the sport go hunting - one guy wings his friend - he goes down screaming death and murder...

The shooter calls 911 - operator gets on - I think I may have shot my friend dead - operator asks are you sure - shooter says no...

Operator says stay on the line - go make sure that he is dead and then get back to me...

Silence - then a BANG - then the shooter asks the operator - now what do I do...

SH.

[the1much]

A LOVING HUSBAND

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.


While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain..do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'


His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey. I Love you, too.'

[the1much]

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,
'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'

Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds.
And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you.'

[Knut Sand]

A LOVING HUSBAND

AHe was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey. I Love you, too.'


:D :D :D

[Knut Sand]

Royal Navy and an "admiral" interview...

View, listen and enjoy......:D :D

"and what are they for?".....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t0jgZKV4N_A

[RHP]

Iceland goes bust !! Fireside sale !!

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/Country-for-sale-ICELAND-99p-start-price-no-reserve_W0QQitemZ320308801162QQcmdZViewItem?hash=item320308801162&_trkparms=72%3A1298%7C39%3A1%7C66%3A2%7C65%3A12%7C240%3A1318&_trksid=p3286.c0.m14

[lazeyjack]

you guys are sick, these are tuff times for all of us an all you do is kid around

[Fanie]

It's the only thing keeps mind and soul togethere :D

[masalai]

That little girl with an orange trim & M logo of "macdonalds"?, has one bloody ugly head - thank goodness one does not - well U can guess the rest....

Fanie, Is that a new brand of toothpaste? - or - glue? - or - hair creme/gel?... What has that got to do with keeping mind & soul together?

[the1much]

i would rather "grams" cook my burger then those half wits they usually hire.

[Fanie]

Don't pretend you guys there in .au doesn't know what ky is. If you tell me you brush your teeth with it then I will believe you, but I don't believe you don't know what it is :D

He he... you asked for it :D

[masalai]

Fanie, Go brush your teeth with it you dirty old man you :D:D:D

[fraggin]

A pirate hobbles into a bar with his ships wheel shoved down the front of his pants. He awkwardly approaches the bar and the bartender says.....

"Ahoy, there's a helm in your pants"....

The pirate replies....

"Arrrrr May Tee...... It's Driving me nuts....."

[Fanie]

Bloody women drivers!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This morning on the Freeway,
I looked over to my left and there was a
Woman in a brand new Holden Calais doing 110 kms per hr
with her face up next to her rear view mirror
putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds !

And when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane,

Still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily.

But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver,
which knocked the meat pie out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car
Using my knees against the steering wheel,
It knocked my Mobile phone away from my ear
Which fell into the coffee between my legs,

Splashed, and burned big Jim and the Twins,
Ruined the darn phone,
Soaked my trousers,
And disconnected an important call.


Bloody women drivers!!

[the1much]

big Jim always gets the hot end of the deal :(

[Fanie]

Not always, Jim :D

Two hunters went moose hunting every while without success. Finally,they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.

When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, 'Okay, lets go out and get him'. After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, 'the zipper is stuck'. What are we going to do ?

The guy in the front says, 'Well,im going to start nibbling, but you'd better brace yourself'!!!!!

[Fanie]

I guess the guy in the back got a cold shoulder eh ! :D

[Fanie]

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, ?If I died, would you get another dog??

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

[Fanie]

There was a blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes and decided to dye her hair brown. She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across a road.

She asked the shepherd, 'If i guess how many sheep there are here,can i keep one'.

He replied 'SURE'.

Out of the blue, she blurts out, '352'.

He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep. She looks and searches and finally picks the cutest one.

He looks at her and says, 'If i guess what colour your hair really is, can i have my dog back'

[RHP]

Milwaukee Man Shoots Lawn Mower - Associated Press

MILWAUKEE - Keith Walendowski is charged with using a sawed-off shotgun to shoot his lawn mower after it would not start.

According to the criminal complaint, Walendowski admitted he shot the Lawn Boy. He tried to defend his actions by telling police, "It's my lawn mower and my yard, so I can shoot it if I want." He indicated to police that he was angry because the mower would not start.

Shooting the mower is considered a crime - disorderly conduct while armed. The most serious charge, however, is for the gun Walendowski is accused of using. It is illegal to posses a sawed-off shotgun.

Witnesses told police Walendowski was drinking before the incident. The criminal complaint indicates police observed him to be intoxicated.

Neighbors in the 3500 block of S. Austin Street heard the gunfire. "Well it seems strange - but he's a strange guy with his drinking," said Donna Kadow who lives next-door.

Walendowski is 56-years-old. Court records show he does not have a criminal record.

If convicted, Walendowski faces up to 90 days of imprisonment for the disorderly conduct charge. He faces up to six years of imprisonment if convicted of being in possession of a sawed-off shotgun.

Neighbors say Walendowski is not violent. "He has never hurt nobody," Kadow said.

http://www.todaystmj4.com/news/local/25902654.html

[masalai]

Is that a case of "Only in America"? - - - Something/one does not fall in line with your thinking so SHOOT THE BASTARD.... - first, before he/it shoots you:D:D:D

[Fanie]

Pilot announces the plane is going to crash.

A female looker jumps up and announces she's not ready to die yet, she wants to feel like a REAL woman once more before she dies and she wants a MAN right now.

Guy in the back gets up, sexily takes his shirt off and hand it to her

Here... iron this.

[Fanie]

Pilot makes a few announcements on the plane intercom regarding their flight, you know, the normal yap yap.

When he puts the mike down, the switch got stuck and never switches the intercom to the rest of the plane off.

The pilot turns to his co-pilot and says, 'geeeez I want a BJ and a nice cup of coffee right now'

One of the flight attendances rushes herself to the pilots to warn them that the intercom is still on.

Guy out from back in the plane shouts 'don't forget the coffee'

[yipster]

and suddenly daisy duck begins to donald he's not dressing fashionable anymore...
http://www.kinderspeelplein.nl/donaldduck/images/donald.jpg

[masalai]

Do you old farts remember the Saturday afternoon kids "cowboy & cartoons at the local cinema's (before TV destroyed the social lives of children?)

On this day there was a "bit of a weeper" as the second feature so lots of pre-pubescent girls were attracted and attended this session.

An unusually high amount of movement in seat changing and "where are you Daphne" type calls could be heard during the "cartoons" as boy paired off and sat next to girl and the "Ushers torches flashed all over making sure their daughter was safely sitting with other girls"....

Three quarters through the girlie theme movie, one of the "good" guys had his lady seriously injured and he was heard to be saying something/crying something like "Oh what will I do now?" - to which one wit in the theatre yelled "**** er while she is warm", which in that poignant moment totally broke up the audience, the film was stopped, lights flashed, "Jaffers" (a small round red candy covered chocolate about the size of a small marble), were rolled and thrown everywhere and pandemonium ruled - a highlight in the life of a sub-teenager.... The image of "Donald Duck" bursting forth reminded me and triggered ancient memories of a more "innocent time" at the Sherwood & Indooroopilly theatres....

[Landlubber]

Newsreels Mas, what about the Newsreels!

[masalai]

Year but, nothing ever happened in those days that was more important than ......... in those comfy "deck chairs" (double width - - hehe - - "dirty snigger of sexual anticipation - - hehe - - )

[Kaptin-Jer]

---Almost as much fun as when my cusin and I let a few hundred marbles roll down the the movie theater from the top row - clakety clack for hours. That will teach them to put those mushy movies on the screen!!!

[the1much]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered
her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to
him, 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would
meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.'

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, 'You're in a hot
air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of
2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes
north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.'

She rolled her eyes and said, 'You must be a Republican.'
'I am,' replied the man. 'How did you know?'

'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you told me is
technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your
information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been
much help to me.'

The man smiled and responded, 'You must be a Democrat.'

'I am,' replied the balloonist. 'How did you know?'

'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you
are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity
of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep,
and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the
same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's
my fault.'

[Sean Herron]

Hello...

I do love it when I have a group of women - drinking beer - sitting on my huge deck - with limited seating...

Get off my deck and get some more beer - there - now you can sit down on my huge deck - no wait - you flip the steaks - all rightie - now you can sit down on my huge deck...

SH.

[Faraway]

On a charter boat once I saw this written on the wall above the head:

"Last night, my girlfriend asked me to kiss her where it stinks...so I brought her on board this boat."

Stu

[Faraway]

Two old boys from northern Indiana decide to do some ice fishing. They gather all their gear and make their way out onto the ice, set up chairs, bait up and then begin drilling a hole into the ice to do some fishing.

Suddenly they were shocked to hear a deep powerful voice speak to them as if from heaven above. The voice said: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The men look all around and assume that they were just hearing things, then they resumed drilling their fishing hole into the ice.

Once again, they hear the mighty voice from above say to them: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

The men scratch their heads, look all around then one of them shouts out: "is that you God, are you trying to tell us where the fish are?"

The voice spoke back to the men: "NO! This is the rink master--and there are NO Fish Under the Ice!"

Hardy har har.

Stu

[chrismcg]

three captains an american, an english and an irish are on the deck of an aircraft carrier in the middle of shark infested waters arguing about which nation has the bravest men.

the american captain says watch this
he calls over one of his crew and orders him to jump off the ship and swim around it
the man does not hesitate and jumps straight off and half way round gets eaten by sharks
see that shouts the american captain we obviously have the bravest men in the world

thats nothing says the english captain who proceeds to call over one of his crew to do the same thing this man almost makes it all the way around but gets eaten by the sharks
see says the captain thats bravery he made it even further

the irish captain then calls over one of his crew and orders him to jump off and swim around the ship
the man then tells his captain to f?ck off and walks away

see says the irish captain now theres bravery!!

[Manie B]

what a wonderfull world ??? :confused: :confused:

the past couple of weeks have been "interesting" on the world front to say the least :?: :?: :?:

BD.net no less

anyway its friday - things can only get better !!!

here is some silly stuff to cheer you u :D :D :D

the last one i think is there at Frosty's pub:cool:

what happened to that old bugger:?:

[masalai]

Thanks Manie, Your usual good splash of humour....

[lazerus]

;A tubular metal object used on boats for storing dead batteries prior to disposal.

[masalai]

One told by a black SA man

During the latter stages of aparthied, a black man and his son managed to get a seat on a 7 seat light aircraft to get home to their tribal lands... half way there the pilot was experiencing engine problems and asked if anyone would like to leave the plane as to continue they needed to lighten the load by abour two people - - - No one moved or volunteered...

The pilot, in desperation added that he would select the volunteer in alphabetical order so - - Any Africans aboard? - - - no response from the passengers
- - Any Blacks aboard? - - - again no response
- - Any ..... - - - and a little boy not quite understanding whispered to his fathers ear "what are we dad?" - - "Son, for this flight we are Zulus".....

[Butch .H]

Or Zuma .Har Har Har:D

[masalai]

"You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Butch .H again" - - but I am glad if you liked it? :D:D:D

[Butch .H]

Oh yes bloody good that one. I wonder if it would be published if I sent it to the newspaper:D

[masalai]

It came from a black, originally from SA, who survives (very wealthy) in UK as an author - he was in Oz giving a presentation at the Writers Festival recently.... Heard him on our "Radio National" whilst driving.... Bloody good speech and story....

[RHP]

Somethings dont change :D

[masalai]

Bugger, "You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to RHP again." and that did so deserve points and praise.... :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

[Fanie]

Eh Mas,

What is a 'bugger' and what is a 'booger' ?

Could it be the difference between a troglodyte and a troll ?

[masalai]

Literally, bugger used to mean "unnatural sex" (with an animal?) - but now seems to mean - - - "Oops what a big ****-up of a mess you got us into now Ollie" - - - and I think booger is that green stuff hanging from your nostrils - get a tissue or wash your face please....

[masalai]

Part two, - - - - I understand "trolls" were assigned to live under bridges or swampy areas (fast fading memories of childhood stories re-awakened by successive "second childhoods")... - - a troglodyte is a being who lives in caverns and caves and does not like the surface of this planet - according to stories written for children who do not need picture stories but can read "big books".... - - - - - :D:D:D:D:D:D:D

[Sean Herron]

Hello...

I just made this one up...

But sir - you did tell me to stick my finger in the dike...

SH.

[RHP]

Bugger, "You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to RHP again." and that did so deserve points and praise.... :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

I give up on ever getting more points from you Mas............ :(

[masalai]

Sean "dike" not Dyke" or should that be the other way around? - - Speaking of which Ellen De <something>, that lady show, - - got "man-handled" in a dance routine by an old fart who thought it funny - next day was doing "defensive moves" to prevent being mauled again.... :D:D:D:D

Sorry but that was no joke more a vomit?

[masalai]

RHP Your average per post is very high so by the time you are my age you will be a millionaire.... :D

[Sean Herron]

Hello...

See http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=665847 ...

Also http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rXAxvnm_IuQ ...

SH.

[masalai]

and the sequel : http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=665808 ....

[the1much]

> Have you ever wondered how a woman's brain works? Well....it's finally explained here in one, easy-to-understand illustration and explanation:











http://i348.photobucket.com/albums/q333/the1much/image001-3.gif







Every one of those little blue balls is a thought about something that needs to be done, a decision or a problem that needs to be solved.

Luckily a man has only 2 balls and they take up all his thoughts.

[Butch .H]

Hey! Much long time how’s the neck

[the1much]

Hey! Much long time how’s the neck

its still attached to my shoulders,,,,,barely hehe ;) .. thankies fer askin,,, hows your projects commin along?

[Butch .H]

I think it would be easier to pull my eyes out than rebuild this boat but fun any way,Going good:D

[Fanie]

So I guess one could say Jim is ok from the shoulders on downwards :D

[masalai]

At least his balls may be still workin...:D:D:D - I presume that is only a partial map of the female brain as no one could possibly map the whole - but then again the hole may be the easier target....?

[bntii]

Why did the chicken cross the road?..............................

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a
change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MCCAIN: My friends that chicken crossed the road because he recognized
the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the
other side of the road.

SARAH PALIN: You betcha he crossed the road, but let's not talk about that,
let's talk about energy policy, and how gosh darn hard it is for a
middle-class hockey mom to manage the budget of the only state in America with a
massive surplus, especially while surrounded by countless Russian and Canadian
chickens we have to keep an eye on.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little
chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure
- right from Day One! - that every chicken in this country gets the chance
it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We
just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The
chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the
satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken...What is your
definition of crossing?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now
against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the
chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why
he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn
from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give
this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his
life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we
have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see
it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes,
the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain... alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain
truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that
chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we
boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media
whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That
chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody
told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together,
in peace.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road
move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

[masalai]

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one? - - - a couple, but I guess other posters will add them in due course... :D:D:D:D:D

[DGreenwood]

27185

Need I say more???

[DGreenwood]

27186

This is my daughters rendition of the male brain...drawn at age seven. I don't have to tell you that she is a handful at age 20. I do not greet her boyfriends with a shotgun...I greet the poor bastards with respect and pity.

[masalai]

DGreenwood, I like that analogy - - more things to play with hehehe

[DGreenwood]

DGreenwood, I like that analogy - - more things to play with hehehe
Yup---no doubt they come equipped with much cooler toys than us...at least I think they're pretty cool?...but tuning them just right is still an art form and not to be underestimated.

[Fanie]

This is my daughters rendition of the male brain...drawn at age seven. I don't have to tell you that she is a handful at age 20. I do not greet her boyfriends with a shotgun...I greet the poor bastards with respect and pity.
I was at a friends when their three year old girl ran up to him. He swooped her up and said aren't they little angels ?

I said yes, but at a certain age they change into dragons. He thought for a while, then agreed :D

[Frosty]

There is apparantly a true case of a Taiwanese billionare just landed at his house in his helecopter. His little angel came running out to see him probably shouting daddy daddy or something. He also swooped her up and held her in the air,--he should have waited till the rotor had stopped.

[DGreenwood]

There is apparantly a true case of a Taiwanese billionare just landed at his house in his helecopter. His little angel came running out to see him probably shouting daddy daddy or something. He also swooped her up and held her in the air,--he should have waited till the rotor had stopped.

Jumpin' Jehosephat Frosty!...this thread is supposed to be about humour.

That is a horrible story.

[masalai]

In a sick sort of way I could see some (not me) may have seen some humour?

[Frosty]

No I dont see humour in it , it is a horrible story, I just wanted to let you know about the dangers of playing with children near helecoptors.

I never do it.

[masalai]

Ahhhhhhhhh now I see the joke??? :D:D:D??? did I miss something in translation?

[Tug]

HER DIARY:



Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.



We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping

with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact

that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.



Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere

quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked

him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my

fault that he was upset.

He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not

toworry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He

smiled slightly, an d kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I

don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'



When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he

wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly,

and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.



Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About

15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to

my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was

distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep -

I cried. I don't know what to do.



I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is

a disaster.











HIS DIARY:





The boat wouldn't start today and I can't figure it out, but at

least I got laid.

[Fanie]

Thanks Tug,

I needed that ;)

[masalai]

I wonder if my wife read that "diary" and if it would allay her worries/concerns? - - or - - trying persistently to make something out of nothing? :D:D:D?

A woman can say "I've got my periods" and we (mere males) understand, but what can a bloke say? - - the old "I got a headache" ? or is that lady code for something else?

[Frosty]

You can say " ide love too darling but the ole hemeroids are playing up a bit, would you mind terribly if I was excused from pushing the garden roller around today please"

This is probably the reason you got them in the first place, especially pushing up hill.

Then as she turns her head to continue the washing up you quietly ask her if you may have permission to sit on the cold garden wall for a minute or two before continuing with your chores,-- making sure you whimper slighty when lifting your ankle chains up for comfort.

If that dont soften her up then you in trouble mate.

[nobrows1212]

The stylin' lawyer was just prepping his perfectly restored Herreshoff 39 footer off the dock, laying some steaks and prawns into the fridge when a small explosion occurred.

The marina's security guard came running to check it out, only to find a grisly sight-- the lawyer was face-down in the galley, his left arm blown off to a bloody stump. The lawyer was still conscious, moaning, "Oh, no, my Herreshoff...." over and over.

"Buddy", the guard said, "if I were you, I'd be more worried about that arm"...

The lawyer looked over to where his arm had been. "****!.........my Rolex!"

[Fanie]

You can say " ide love too darling but the ole hemeroids are playing up a bit, would you mind terribly if I was excused from pushing the garden roller around today please"

This is probably the reason you got them in the first place, especially pushing up hill.

Then as she turns her head to continue the washing up you quietly ask her if you may have permission to sit on the cold garden wall for a minute or two before continuing with your chores,-- making sure you whimper slighty when lifting your ankle chains up for comfort.

If that dont soften her up then you in trouble mate.

Brilliant explanation there Frosty, but you can wimper all you want. If you're married for more than 5 years they don't give a ****. In fact one get the impression they want you to kick the bucket, but slowly and the more the suffer the more they like it.

Besides, it's easier to just say bugger that, I'm not doing it.

[masalai]

Or go down to the local and think about it with all the nubile 19 year olds that will give Manie a hard time... :D:D:P:P:P:P

[Fanie]

I think it's a case of misperception. Manie is having a hard time because the 19 year old's doesn't think they should do dishes, wash clothes, make food, bring beer. They have other things on their minds, and it's not to talk or think about, but to do :D

[masalai]

My deepest sympathies - about time daughter was married and out of the parental hair? - - - Join the ranks of the "empty nesters" and spend the inheritance they thought they might get...

[masalai]

This is no joke, but it could put a smile on some faces - do not overlook the "used / Commercial category... http://yachthub.com/ then click <boats for sale> on the left hand side of the screen then <used boats> and then select your category and size profile - enjoy...

[Sean Herron]

Hello...

Fish gut and diesel are the best things to shut the wife up and leave you alone - seems to be a come at now - from the poofies - how the F'uck do they find the working mans drinking hole...:)

Must be the Internet I think...:)

I used to build 140 footers - now they scoff me off to fish boats - but here - this one - built in 1988 - F'cking amazing - this engineer is tops - every F'cking bolt covered in Silver anti seize - pop it off - stick in new gaskets - wrench it home - THAT IS RARE - bit of us vs. them - wink wink...

Is your wife a goer' - does she like sport...

SH.

[rasorinc]

This is not a joke but a great find. I went into a hardware store today, one of the old style ones where the owner only knows where everything is. No signs or similar things on the same isle just everything everywhere and you have to dig for it.
I found a great tool and I'm as excited as hell about it. This is the find of the year and I'm almost giggly about it. It will save me tons of time and I cannot wait to use it. Wish I had found it 50 years ago.....I just gotta go out in the shop and try it out. See ya.

[Frosty]

I found one of those, oh a few years back now, i think it was stainless so it was a rare find, it even had the makers name on it.

Its got a black end to it above the rest and the dodger is a bit rusty but apart from that its in good nick, have you got instructions for yours?

I cant decide if the thumb screw needs to be in or out?

[Sean Herron]

Hello...

I was walking the beaches of Calais - there was a blonde with a tatoo of a shellfish on her inner thigh...

I asked her why - a shellfish on her inner thigh...

She replied...

If you put your ear to it you can smell the sea....

Ah - yeah - I see ...:)

I replied...

Walked on to a brunette...

SH.

[rasorinc]

Frosty, you are real lucky to have a stainless steel one-- they last forever. Really enjoyed trying it out and it works just great. The thumb screw should be all the way in. No instructions came with mine but I figured it out w/o any problems. Stan

[Frosty]

I was told that you gotta use plenty of water but it can get a bit messy on overhead work. Oh and a just a touch of oil on the rest block .I think thats maybe for the thumb screw adjustment.

It really is a labour saver and I would never part with it now. What used to take hours I can now do in a day.

[marshmat]

Do we really want to know, Frosty / Stan? ;)

[masalai]

It is a joke for the sophisticated....

[rasorinc]

Frosty, on the left underside ( I guess that depends if your left or right handed ) is a 5" long square tube capped on the end. About 1" from the base is a flush head machine screw. I think the square tube is a vacumn condenser.
Taped to my handle was a 1/4" x 5" sort of pitot tube with a hollow threaded male end. This goes in where the machine screw is and then you attatch a piece of rubber hose to carry away the dribbles when when using in a inverted position. You might be missing the screw in the square tube. Mine is 3/16" thread and 7/16" long. Stan Hope that helps.
PS I made a post under propulsion re: paddlewheel. I would appreciate your input or anybody else. Thanks

[masalai]

Now I am really fascinated - got any pics or drawings? http://www.welchco.com/sd/08/00101/02/90/03/03/221844.HTM#LS4M ? this? - - - - As a diversion, how about a "whacko Jacko" patented invention http://www.buzzle.com/articles/122678.html

[Frosty]

Oh jeez your is a much more sophisticated model than mine. I do have a vacuum condenser, but ive not used that bit as I don't use it on non painted surfaces yet.

Did you know these things can be used on Glass?

If you google it you will find that they have been around a long time and were originally for finishing hang mans door hinges so that they were sure it would not jam shut and trap the executioners finger.

[rasorinc]

This early morning having coffee with the guys, I showed it off and explaned how it would save time. I had an offer of $200.00 to sell it--but where would I ever find another?? Paid $20 bucks for it 2 days ago--that would be a great return......................................Stan I'm going to price it out and determine what it would cost to reproduce it and will let you know.

[Frosty]

I just googled more on the executioner thing. Apparantly health and saftey officers declared the gallows unsafe.

The executioner was not allowed to stand near the prisoner dues to the hight of the gallows and the slight possability of falling off and hurting oneself when the rope came tight and jolting the structure. So the executioner was moved to the ground.

Also the lever was rough and unfinished, hang men constantly complained of feeling discomfort on there hands, hence the moisturising creams used today.

These specialist tools were developed for these safety features.

[Frosty]

Here is mine ,--as you can see it is stainless steel and I have the thumb screw all the way in as you suggested. I have disconnected the vacuum invertor/collector for ease of photography.

[Eddy Johansen]

Most of you have probably heard before, but I still find this funny:

A very good friend of mine which is a NA and surveyor at one of the biggest classification societies around came up to me one day and said:

"Do you know the definition of a NA?"

???

"A guy that is not man enough to be an engineer and not gay enough to be an interior designer... "

Might be therefore a NA in Portugal is called a "Naval Engineer".

Have fun!

[Sean Herron]

Hello...

Just finished a little boat for a 'NAM vet who ran Zippos up rivers...

Told him to run it up slow to check pressures...

He told me -'to go F'ck myself - I did not lose a leg in Vietnam to come home and have some punk tell me how to run up a new boat'...

I was confused - I replied - 'heh man sorry - but you have two legs'...

He comes back - 'Like I said -I did not lose a leg in Vietnam to come home and have some punk tell me how to run up a new boat'...

I left it...

SH.

[masalai]

and charge the arrogant **** double when he returns to get it fixed again.... He probably never went beyond the PX.... in base camp

Those that do not brag are the ones to thank quietly, the loud ones need a good **** kick....