BOAT JOKES (we need a few laughs)

[rxcomposite]

Very few took up the challenge. Don't search for facts. Just be logical. If the answer isn't logical, the question must be wrong, so an illogical answer is needed as in 10. There are many answer to some of the questions. Have fun. :D

1. In which battle did Napoleon Bonaparte died? In his last battle. (He did not die in a battle), Battle against disease
2. Where was the declaration of Independence signed? At the bottom of the page.
3. Rive Ravi flows in what state? Liquid
4. What is the main reason for divorce? Marriage
5. What is the main reason for failure? Exams. Trying
6. What can you never eat for breakfast? Lunch and dinner
7. What looks like half an apple? The other half
8. If you throw a red stone into a blue sea, what will it become? Wet
9. How can a man last 8 days without sleeping? He sleeps at night
10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? There is no elephant with one hand. Use a lift. Call Superman

If you see the drift as some of the members did, you get all the answers.

[Fanie]

Napoleon Bonaparte died ? About time eh :D


If you are over 60years old you MUST take this Alzeimers test.
How fast can you guess these words and fill in the blanks.
1. _ _ NDOM
2. F_ _K
3. P_N_S
4. PU_ S_
5. S_X
6. BOO_S
Scroll down for the answers.











1. RANDOM
2. FORK
3.PANTS
4.PULSE
5. SIX
6. BOOKS
You got all 6 wrong..........didn't you?
You don't have Alzeimers.
You are a pervert.

[Fanie]

Life is like toilet paper....either you're on a roll....or you're taking sh3t from some ass hole.

[Fanie]

Dark forces here...
What is the similarity between starship enterprises from starwars and toilet paper ?
They both circle uranis in search of cling-ons .

[troy2000]

Napoleon Bonaparte died ? About time eh :D


If you are over 60years old you MUST take this Alzeimers test.
How fast can you guess these words and fill in the blanks.
1. _ _ NDOM
2. F_ _K
3. P_N_S
4. PU_ S_
5. S_X
6. BOO_S
Scroll down for the answers.











1. RANDOM
2. FORK
3.PANTS
4.PULSE
5. SIX
6. BOOKS
You got all 6 wrong..........didn't you?
You don't have Alzeimers.
You are a pervert.

Whew. That's a relief....:p

[troy2000]

Dark forces here...
What is the similarity between starship enterprises from starwars and toilet paper ?
They both circle uranis in search of cling-ons .

How is duct tape like the universe?

-It has a light side and a dark side, and it binds the universe together.

[Leo Lazauskas]

GENERIC LIMERICK
There once was an X from place B
That satisfied predicate P
He or she did thing A
In an adjective way
Resulting in circumstance C

[rxcomposite]

Fanny, I got three correct answers and three wrong. That makes me a pervert with Alzheimer's disease?:P

[rxcomposite]

How is duct tape like the universe?

-.... and it binds the universe together.

It takes about 24,901.55 miles of duct tape to bind the earth at the equator. I may ran out of duct tape.:D

[Fanie]

CHUCK NORRIS passed away last night.
They say he feels much better this morning.

There is a new sleeping pill in setpil ? format
Aparently it works so fast you wake up with your finger still in your butt :D

[troy2000]

It takes about 24,901.55 miles of duct tape to bind the earth at the equator. I may ran out of duct tape.:D
Nahhh... there's an infinite supply of it.

Today's well-equipped toolbox only needs two items: WD40 and duct tape. If it won't move and it's supposed to, use the WD40. If it moves and it isn't supposed to, use the duct tape.

[Dirteater]

might i recommend epoxy and fibre :P

[Fanie]

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.
... The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.

He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance.. never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector - not wanting to get a toe blown off - started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barrelled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."

There are a few lessons for us all here:

Never be arrogant.

Don't waste ammunition.

Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.

Always, always make sure you know who has the power.

Don't mess with old men; they didn't get old by being stupid.

[Fanie]

When a woman yells "WHAT!?!?"

Its not because she didn’t hear you, it’s because she is giving you a chance to change what you said with a big speed !

[Bamby]

Splinters

A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville , WA .

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land, so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Obama Care they turned me down."

[Bamby]

Not really a true joke, but it is entertaining :D

A Very Talented Kazoo Player (http://www.bitoffun.com/video_vault/sexy-talent-amy-g.htm)

[lewisboats]

Not really a true joke, but it is entertaining :D

A Very Talented Kazoo Player (http://www.bitoffun.com/video_vault/sexy-talent-amy-g.htm)

I think I SH!T myself...I certainly scared the dogs! http://www.angelfire.com/ego/lewisboatworks/Stuff/Misc/emot97.gifhttp://www.angelfire.com/ego/lewisboatworks/Stuff/Misc/emot97.gifhttp://www.angelfire.com/ego/lewisboatworks/Stuff/Misc/emot97.gif

[ancient kayaker]

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Senator Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.

The only known photograph of Remus (below) shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory. On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

So Judy recently e-mailed Senator Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle.

Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:

"Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."



NOW THAT's how it's done, Folks! That's real POLITICAL SPIN !!!


Remus and Harry Reid:-

[troy2000]

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Senator Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.

The only known photograph of Remus (below) shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory. On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

So Judy recently e-mailed Senator Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle.

Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:

"Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."



NOW THAT's how it's done, Folks! That's real POLITICAL SPIN !!!


Remus and Harry Reid:-

I've seen versions of that same story used against Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi, Al Gore, and even George W Bush. When Hillary was running for President, three separate friends sent me a version starring her supposed uncle.

It's so common in emails that Snopes debunks it, under the heading "Horse Thief Ancestor." Snopes also identifies the photo as being of Black Jack Ketchum....

[hoytedow]

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Senator Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor. The rotten apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

The only known photograph of Remus (below) shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory. On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

So Judy recently e-mailed Senator Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle.

Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:

"Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."



NOW THAT's how it's done, Folks! That's real POLITICAL SPIN !!!


Remus and Harry Reid:-The rotten apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

First they Ketchum, then they Tryum and then they Hangum.

[SheetWise]

The rotten apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Ketchum, Tryum and Hangum -- I tried their line, and they represent themselves as public defenders -- do you think I may have been mislead?

[ancient kayaker]

Ketchum, Tryum and Hangum -- I tried their line, and they represent themselves as public defenders -- do you think I may have been mislead?

- I dunno, but we all wanna know what you did . . .

[troy2000]

The first time I remember doing any critical analysis of a movie was during a western, when I was a kid. The bad guys were holed up in a bunch of rocks, with a posse facing them in some other rocks. The sheriff stood up and called out, "throw down your guns and come out with your hands up, and I'll see that you get a fair trial." Strangely enough the bad guys tried to shoot him, instead of taking him up on his offer.

I was pretty young, but I remember thinking, "wait a minute. What good would that do them? They're guilty. If they get a fair trial, they'll be hanged...."

[Leo Lazauskas]

It has been reported that dogs can smell human tumors, and
some dogs have been trained to detect low blood sugar levels.

There have been attempts to go a stage further and let dogs operate
medical equipment to detect ailments with greater accuracy. The final
stage involving MRI equipment failed however as dogs are unable to
operate it. But apparently cats can.

[lewisboats]

Didn't know which was the more appropriate spot so I put this in both.

List of ingredients in " A taste of Thai" fish sauce:

Anchovy Fish
Salt
Sugar
Water(Only natural water-no water added)
Allergen information: contains fish


Just how stupid are we?

[lewisboats]

Boat + Humor

http://www.bitoffun.com/video_vault/relaxing-on-the-lake.htm

[Leo Lazauskas]

Didn't know which was the more appropriate spot so I put this in both.

List of ingredients in " A taste of Thai" fish sauce:

Anchovy Fish
Salt
Sugar
Water(Only natural water-no water added)
Allergen information: contains fish


Just how stupid are we?

One day your government will demand that you sew a label onto your
scrotum that says "May Contain Nuts".

[Fanie]

Can you believe it …. they sent my Census form back

In response to the question:

"Do you have any dependants?"

I replied - "27 million illegal immigrants;

2.1 million crack heads;

21 million unemployable people,

901 thousand people in over 85 prisons;

and nearly 1900 idiots in Parliament.

Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

SO!!!,who the hell did I miss??

[Fanie]

Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the ladies room there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one wish is granted. However, if one tells a lie then with a “POOF” you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.
So, a redhead of questionable looks walks into the ladies room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world."
“POOF” The mirror swallows her.
Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the sexiest woman alive."
“POOF” The mirror swallows her.
Then an absolutely gorgeous blonde comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think. . . ."
“POOF”

[Fanie]

Penis Tax

The only thing the South African Receiver of Revenue has not taxed yet is the penis.

This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in a hole. On top of that it has two dependents and they are both nuts.

Effective from January 1st 2012, a Penis will be taxed according to SIZE.

10 - 12" LUXURY TAX = R199.00
8 - 10" POLE TAX = R155.00
5 - 8" PRIVILEGE TAX = R70.00
4 - 5" NUISANCE TAX = R15.00

Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains.

Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund. (PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION)

We are still awaiting clarification on a number of questions raised on this new tax, including:

Are there penalties for early withdrawals?
What if one's Penis is self employed?
Do multiple partners count as a corporation?
What if unemployed,do I get a "lay-buy" tax reduction?

[Fanie]

Robert Mugarbage is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the classes.


They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asks Mugabe if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy".
So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a war vet comes along and knocks him dead with a log, that would be a tragedy."

"No," says Mugabe," that would be an accident."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains the president. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Mugabe searches the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says:
"If a Zimbabwe Air Force jet carrying Mr & Mrs Mugabe were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaims Mugabe. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

[Fanie]

You know that you are living in South Africa when...


The main headline of the evening TV news is the opinion of an unemployed
squatter who spik inglish no good and demands that the head of Anglo American resigns or faces the consequences

The police advise you not to stop if they wave you down in the middle of the night, but rather speed past them and drive to your nearest police station.

You don't stop at a red traffic light, in case somebody hijacks your car.

The Student Union demands that academic achievement shouldn't be a criterion for university acceptance, as it is discriminatory.

Landlords may not evict illegal squatters unless they offer them alternative
accommodation.

Post Office workers are videotaped opening the mail and stealing the contents, but the film may not be used in evidence, because the workers were not informed that they were being filmed and the filming is an intrusion on their privacy.

A goverment Minister is caught driving her car with a forged license, but the case is dropped for "lack of evidence".

A minister of religion who stole millions from overseas-donated funds for the oppressed, returns to the country to a hero's welcome and is officially welcomed by the government, represented by the Minister of Justice.

Government ministers meet with masked gang leaders to ask their advice on how to reduce crime and violence.

Scholars protest at the lack of schooling facilities by destroying school buildings.

Two tourist athletes are murdered in their beds and the President says it won't affect tourism.

The entire country sees a thug admit on TV news to murdering several people, but the police say they have no case.

Votes have to be recounted until the right party wins.

Your insurance is higher than the repayments on your car.

You consider it a good month if you only get mugged once.

Rwandan refugees start leaving the country because the crime rate is too high.

People start joking about the crime rate.

The police ask you if they must follow up on the burglary you've just reported.

You paint your car's registrations number on the roof in large letters.

Afrikaans TV programmes are separated by a Xhosa anouncement of the following Afrikaans program, and a Zulu advert.

A Minister is fired and returns the government cell phone, but keeps the G-number-plated Bee-Em.

The currency takes a dive, and the previous government gets the blame.

Students from Vaal Driehoek Technikon demand that their debt is written off.....at Pretoria Technikon.

A 45-year-old engineer gets replaced by a 25-year-old who cannot write his own name.

The employees DANCE in front of the building to show how unhappy they are.

10% of the city's population pays for everyone else's electricity and water supply, and get prosecuted if they refuse to pay.

A murderer gets a 2 year sentence and a pirate TV viewer a 6 month sentence.

The Constitutional Court declares the death sentence unconstitutional, but rules that abortion is okay.

The prisoners strike!

Crime actually DOES pay.

People are allowed to reclaim land (for free) that's been bought from their forefathers.

The government GIVES people houses, and they complain by setting fire to them.

You can't even go on a business trip to Oz without somebody asking knowingly: 'Oh, having a look around, are you?....'

You realise after watching the news on TV that nothing happened in the rest of the world.

They bring in the innovative idea of selling scratch cards to alleviate congestion in post office queues.

You are expected to carry a driver's licence that doesn't fit into your wallet.

You have to prove you don't need a loan to get one.

A shop clerk makes you feel as if he/she is doing you a favour by letting you buy from their shop.

The fact that there is an election and people are standing in line waiting to vote is more important than the result of the election.

The most popular vehicle is a 4x4 designed for driving in snow, (the reason for this may be the vast amount of mid-summer snow that you see in all Christmas decorations).

You no longer request anything, you "DIMUND" it.

You know what "vowlence" is.

People tell you that they wouldn't live anywhere else because the weather is so bad over there.

A Minibus taxi passes you, just to stop right in front of you.

Where the road narrows, the guy to the rear of you has right of way.

[Fanie]

If women get past a certain age it gets dangerous to pick up the soap they say.. not for the same reason men in jails are told to be careful of dropping the soap though, nope, in the case of women they might step on their mammary gland.

[Fanie]

The Politically Correct Little Red Riding Hood

There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them.

Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist. Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.

One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house. She said, "But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?"

Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form. "But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"

Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for women to oppress each other, since all women were equally oppressed until all women were free "But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"

And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical women's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling of community. "But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"

Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called "health". Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.

Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.
Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.

On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers. She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was
in her basket. Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.

She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity." The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone." Red Riding Hood said,
"I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid
worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."

Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her Grandmother's house. But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house. He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch." The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."

Red Riding Hood said, "Goodness! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"

"You forget that I am optically challenged."

"And Grandma, what an enormous, and what a fine nose you have."

"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child."

"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!" The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding
Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly. "Aren't you forgetting something?"

Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. "You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"

The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her. At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax.

"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.

"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood. "If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams."

"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.

"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner."

"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper. "I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?"

"Sure," said the Wolf.

"Thanks."

"I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said "Do you have any Maalox?"

[Fanie]

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a conservative Liberal, and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

[Fanie]

The Russian guide for Taxi Drivers
by
Peekup Andropov

The History of Bras
by
Norma Snockers

[Fanie]

When I was in the wetlands,having a beer on the veranda of my chalet,I saw some great tits walking by.

Their make-up beautifully done in black and white shades

I grabbed my bi-vocals( hanging below the waistline) to see them from nearby

Each of them where unique ,the one bigger than the other,the one more pleasing than the other.
They chatted much better ,and so now and than slyly looking towards me.

I became exited at the sight of so many, lovely and big tits.
My palms became wet,slippery and hot.
My heart throbbed.
Nay, it stopped when I saw also a few small titties in the tit crowd.
Who would believe me???????????
Here I was,not making a sound,engulfed in a scene ,which would make Play Boy a surrogate magazine.

Than I woke up and saw just a bunch of tits,picking worms off the grass
These birds are really unique.
And I am evilly oversexed :D

[Fanie]

A boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play.
Wonderful. What part is it?"
The boy says,"I play the part of the husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

[Fanie]

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
H. L. Mencken

Men are the only animals that devote themselves, day in and day out, to making one another unhappy. It is an art like any other. Its virtuosi are called altruists.
H. L. Mencken

An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.
H. L. Mencken

Today, 'racist' means 'one who says what everybody else knows.' It is a badge of intellectual honor."
HL-Mencken

"An ideal form of government is democracy tempered with assassination."
Voltaire.

Chamberlain seemed such a nice old gentleman that I thought I would give him my autograph."
Adolf Hitler.

Never believe anything in politics until it has been officially denied."
Otto Von Bismark

"Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others."
Groucho Marx (...more Groucho Marx Quotes).

"He was a great patriot, a humanitarian, a loyal friend; provided, of course, he really is dead."
Voltaire.

"What's on your mind, if you'll forgive the overstatement?"
Fred Allen.

"If a man is a fool, you don't train him out of being a fool by sending him to university. You merely turn him into a trained fool, ten times more dangerous."
Desmond Bagley.

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night."
Marie Corelli


"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much he'd learned in seven years."- Mark Twain

"Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain

"What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce." Mark Twain

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
Dick Cavett.


"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
Dave Edison.

[Fanie]

I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

[Fanie]

A woman is shopping for a pet as a gift for her husband, but she is concerned that the prices that the Pet Shop are charging are very high. She goes to the clerk and explains her concern. "Well, I have a frog in the back that I can let you have for $50," the clerk says. "$50?" the woman replies. "That seems terribly expensive for a frog."

"Well, this frog is worth it. It's been trained to give blow jobs."

The woman is stunned, but because her husband loves this sort of sex, and because she is not particularly fond of it, she decides the frog might be a good investment. She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband, and explains its special value. The husband is skeptical, but promises he'll give the frog a try that night. The woman goes to sleep happily knowing she won't be
bothered by her husband that night.

She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from the kitchen. She goes downstairs and finds the frog and her husband pulling out pots and pans and poring over cookbooks.

"What are you two doing down here?" she asks. Her husband responds, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're out of here!"

[Fanie]

Girl comes in for a Checkup
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.

"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"

[Fanie]

Tongue Twister
A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him also has a black eye.

He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence: we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?"

So the guy tells him: "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident, sort of. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the biggest breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying: I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said: I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh." "She socked me one."

The first guy responded, "Mine was a tongue twister too."
"I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife: Please pour me a bowl of Corn Flakes, but I accidentally said: You ruined my life, you lousy bitch.''

[Fanie]

"Darling" says a husband coyly to his wife: "let's swap positions tonight".

"What a good idea" she replies, "you stand in front of the ironing board, and I'll sit in front of the TV and fart".

[Fanie]

Can I buy you a drink?
I would think so - why don't you ask the bartender?

Can I buy you a drink?
I'd rather just have the cash.

Can I have your name?
Why - haven't you already got one?

Can I spend the evening with you?
I gave up baby-sitting years ago.

Do you mind if I smoke?
I don't care if you burn.
Have you got a problem with that?
No, only with you.

I never forget a face.
Neither do I, but in your case I'll make an exception.

I'd like to marry you.
I'd rather skip straight towards the divorce.

I'd like to see more of you.
There isn't any more of me.

I'm sure I could turn you on.
You couldn't even turn on a radio.

I'm sure I've noticed you before.
I'm not sure I've even noticed you yet.


Kiss me and I'll tell you a secret.
I know your secret - I work at the clinic.

May I introduce myself?
Certainly - try those people over there.

My body's like a temple.
I'd have said it was more like an amusement park.

Shall we go all the way?
Yes, as long as it's in different directions.

Shall we go to your place or mine?
Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.

When can we be alone?
When we're not with each other.

When should I phone you?
Whenever I'm not there.

Where have you been all my life?
What do you mean - I wasn't even born for the first half of it.

Women say I have the gift of the gab.
Wrap it up, then.

You seem to me like a sensible girl.
That's right - I won't go anywhere near you.

Your face is absolutely perfect.
So is yours . . . for radio.

[Fanie]

people who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours?
Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No loser, I paid $8 to come to the cinema and stare at the f*cking floor.

People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

When people say "life is short". wtf ?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f does!! What can you do that's longer?

When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet"?. If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?

When you get a haircut over the weekend, come into work and people ask "Did you get a hair cut?" ... No dipsh*t. I woke up this morning and it was like that.

[Fanie]

1. I was so poor growing up. If I wasn't a boy. I'd have had nothing to play with.

2. A girl phoned me the other day & said, "Come on over: nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home

3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

4. One day I came home early from work. I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said "Because you came home early."

5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning put a shirt on and the button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

6. I was such and ugly kid. When I played in sandbox, the cat kept covering me up with sand.

7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

8. I was such an ugly baby. My mother never breastfed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend

9. I'm so ugly. My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet

10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm so sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

11. I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.

12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid.There's so many places they can hide."

14. My wife made me join the bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

15. I'm so ugly. I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror. I feel like throwing up: what's wrong with me?" He said "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" he told me to run off a cliff.

19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is my arm. Last night he went on the newspaper 4 times - 3 of those times I was reading it

20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.

21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap: he was in the electric chair.

[Fanie]

Wife: You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why ?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible,
I look at your picture, and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you ?
Hubby: Yes! I see your picture and ask myself ---
what other problem can be greater than this one ?

[Fanie]

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning,
he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

[Fanie]

A newly married man asked his wife
" Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune ? "
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly,
" I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE ! "

[Fanie]

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the early warning.


A wife asked her husband:
What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?
He looked at her from head to toe and replied:
I like your sense of humor.

[Fanie]

A single woman of around 35 decides she has been alone long enough and puts the following advertisement in her local newspaper:-

SWF (single white female) looking for men who will give me lots of love, won't cheat on me and won't beat me.

The next night the doorbell rings, she opens the door and see a guy in a wheelchair, he has no arms and legs. I'm here about the advertisement he says. But you got no arms and legs says the woman. Yeah but that's all to the good, says the guy. See I have no legs so I can't run around behind your back. I got no arms so I can never beat you up. What about lots of love says the woman?

Hi lady what do you think I used to ring the doorbell with?

[Fanie]

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.

"Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over, the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

[Fanie]

Moses, Jesus and a very old man were out golfing one fine day.

Moses drives his ball and it bounced off a tree into a water hazard. So he parted the water and knocked the ball onto the green.

Jesus drives his ball and it bounced off two trees into the water. So he walked on the water and scooped his ball onto the green.

The very old man drives his ball and it bounced off a tree into the water, the ball was eaten by a fish, the fish swam to the surface and was snatched up by a bird, the bird flew upward and was struck by lightning, the fish fell from the sky onto the green, the ball bounced out of the fishes mouth, and the ball rolled into the hole.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate golfing with your dad."

[Fanie]

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding
anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever " "Yeah?" she replies.
"When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My
Husband - Stiff At Last"

[Fanie]

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and
storms out of the house. After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and
decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many
rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the
phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"

[Fanie]

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business
flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he
wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where
he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to
discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about
to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of
paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. God may have created man
before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

[Fanie]

Koos van der Merwe is a sales rep who works away from home a lot...

One day Koos comes home after a couple weeks on the road to find his wife in a new fur coat. Where did that come from honey ask Koos eyeing the 50 000 price tag. Oh darling I won the lottery reply the wife.

A couple months later Koos comes home again and this time madame van der Merwe has a new diamondring and the diamond is larger than Koos's gaping eyeball. Where did you get THAT from wife ask Koos. Won the lottery again replies the wife.

A few months later he comes home to find a brand new Merc in the driveway. His wife says, since I won the lottery enough times to buy us this new car would you mind running me a bath honey? Not at all replies Koos. Mrs. van finally goes off to her bath only to find Koos only ran about two inches of water into the tub? What's this asks his wife? Why only two inches of water?

WELL REPLIES KOOS.. WE DON'T WANT THE LOTTERY TICKET TO GET WET NOW DO WE???

[Fanie]

The Pope comes to America. Of course, he's very busy. Masses, rallies, dinners, events, etc. For security, he has the same limo driver daily.

One evening at a banquet, he sees a chance to sneak away unnoticed. He goes out back, finds his limo, knocks on the window and finds the driver lounging in the rear seat eating a huge sandwich with his feet up on the seat.

Driver: Your holiness! I'm so sorry. Where can I take you? Forgive me!

Pope: Sit, eat, my son. Truthfully, I'd like to take the car for a drive. I'm the Pope, and everything is done for me. I've never driven an automobile. Please allow me.

Driver: certainly, your holiness. Let me assist.

Pope: Sit, my son. Finish your dinner.

The Pope begins to drive. Naturally, he is not very good at it as he has never done this before. After hitting several parked cars, lamp posts, and stop signs, He is pulled over by a state trooper.

The police man gets out of his cruiser, approaches the driver's window and knocks. The Pope lowers the window, Trooper eyes the scene and retreats to his cruiser. Immediately, he grabs his cell phone and phones the governor.

Trooper: Governor, this is state trooper Wilson. I've just pulled over the most important person in the world for a serious traffic violation but I don't know what to do.

Gov: Who do your have there? Clinton? I will speak to the White House Chief of Staff. I'll straighten this out.

Trooper: No, it's not Clinton. It's the most important person in the world!

Gov: Well, who do you have? The UN Secretary General? I will speak to one of those UN guys. Diplomatic immunity is a very sacred thing you know.

Trooper: No, no. I've already told you. Its the most important person in the world.

Gov: Dammit, Wilson, who the hell did you pull over?

Trooper: I have no idea, but he's sittin' in the back seat of a limo, eating a sandwich and the Pope is his driver!

[Fanie]

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."


Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,

"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."


This test has only one question, but it's a very important one.
Please don't answer it without giving it some serious thought. By giving
an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you
will have to make a decision one way or the other. Remember that your
answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.


You're in Zimbabwe... near Kariba, to be exact. There is great chaos
going on around you, caused by an unpredicted hurricane and severe
floods.
There are huge masses of water all about you. You are a Daily News
photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster.
The situation is nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot very impressive photos. There are houses and
people floating around you, disappearing into the Zambezi River as it
roars through the gorge. Nature is showing all its destructive power and
is ripping everything away with it.

Suddenly you see a man in the water - he is fighting for his life,
trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud. You move
closer. Somehow the man looks familiar. Suddenly you know who it is...
it's
Robert Mugabe!
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him
away, forever. You have two options and no time to lose. You can save
him or you can take the best photo of your life. You can't do both.
So, you can save the life of Robert Mugabe... or you can shoot a prize
winning photo, a unique photo displaying the death of one of the world's
most notorious leaders.




Here's the question (please give an honest answer):





Would you select colour film, or rather go with the simplicity of
classic black and white?

[conceptia]

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."


Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,

"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."


This test has only one question, but it's a very important one.
Please don't answer it without giving it some serious thought. By giving
an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you
will have to make a decision one way or the other. Remember that your
answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.


You're in Zimbabwe... near Kariba, to be exact. There is great chaos
going on around you, caused by an unpredicted hurricane and severe
floods.
There are huge masses of water all about you. You are a Daily News
photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster.
The situation is nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot very impressive photos. There are houses and
people floating around you, disappearing into the Zambezi River as it
roars through the gorge. Nature is showing all its destructive power and
is ripping everything away with it.

Suddenly you see a man in the water - he is fighting for his life,
trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud. You move
closer. Somehow the man looks familiar. Suddenly you know who it is...
it's
Robert Mugabe!
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him
away, forever. You have two options and no time to lose. You can save
him or you can take the best photo of your life. You can't do both.
So, you can save the life of Robert Mugabe... or you can shoot a prize
winning photo, a unique photo displaying the death of one of the world's
most notorious leaders.




Here's the question (please give an honest answer):





Would you select colour film, or rather go with the simplicity of
classic black and white?

Classic blak & white.. (that would do some fair work for a black man like me.. lol)

[ancient kayaker]

Confucius say, "If you are in a book store and cannot find the book

for which you search, you are obviously in the..... (click on image)
.

[Fanie]

My personal favorite defense gun has always been a Beretta Jetfire in 22 short. I have carried it for many years including while hiking.I never leave without it in my pocket. Of course the first rule when hiking in the wilderness is to use the "Buddy System". This means you NEVER hike alone, you bring a friend, companion or even family because if something happens there is someone to go get help. I remember one time while hiking with my girlfriend in northern Alberta, out of nowhere came this huge brown bear charging us and was she mad. We must have been near one of her cubs. Anyway, if I had not had my little Jetfire I would not be here today. Just one shot to my girlfriend’s knee cap and I was able to escape by just walking at a brisk pace. That's one of the best pistols in my collection...

[Fanie]

Classic blak & white.. (that would do some fair work for a black man like me.. lol)

Another one just for you.

There's a trafic jam on the Ben Schoema highway between Pretoria and Johannesburg. Eventually one guy comes past the cars talking to each motorist.

So what's going on ?

No man, the whole anc government is being held hostage by someone who says he is going to set them on fire if he doesn't get paid a million ZAR. We are taking up a collection.

Well, ok, so how much does every one on average give ?

Oh, about one liter of fuel....

[Fanie]

Post #5782 is a joke but the truth actually. I was once delivering stuff at the university and they wouldn't let me in since the students were setting the buildings and other stuff on fire. The reason for the strike was there were not enough booze budgetted for their year end party. I kid you not !

Here is the only place they burn things or destroy things to fix them. Un be lievable.

[Fanie]

For years, the young attorney had been taking vacations at a country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried.
"I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talking and talking, and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

[Fanie]

This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!" he says.

She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man , oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?

"He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"

And the mans replies, "Good Grief ! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

[Fanie]

Children's Science Exam Answers.

Q: Name the four seasons?
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink?
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit,
sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
(Brilliant love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the! oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the
Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards
the moon, because there is no water on the moon,
and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun
joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels
and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (eg., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three
parts - the brainium, the Borax and the abdominal
cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax
contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal
cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O! ,
and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.


Q: What does "varicose" mean? (I do love this one.)
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section" ?
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

[Fanie]

A lady was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. The girl picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. The mother took the item away from her and asked her not to do that. 'Why?' the daughter asked. 'Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs' mom replied. At this point, her daughter looked at her with total admiration and asked, 'Momma, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart.' The mom was thinking quickly. 'All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mom Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mom.' We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

'OH...I get it!' she beamed, 'So if you don't pass the test you have to be the dad.

''Exactly' mom replied back with a big smile on her face.

[Fanie]

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

[Fanie]

This man, his wife and their Border Collie, SARODI were out for a drive in the country one afternoon in their new convertible, with the top down. The husband and wife were enjoying the scenery as they drove along. While unbeknownst to them, SARODI gave birth to seven puppies while laying on the back seat of the automobile. The couple continued to drive along, unaware of the new arrivals. Soon the road began to deteriorate and was beginning to become quite rough. Suddenly, the car ran over a deep pothole in the road, and one of SARODI'S puppies bounced up and out of the car, landing on the roadway just in front of a police car that had been following the man and his wife.

The police officer switched on his lights and siren, and soon had the couple pulled over to the side of the road. What are you pulling me over for? Queried the startled driver. The officer responded, "I pulled you over for creating a "Road Hazard, for other drivers!" What hazard? Asked the man. "A puppy bounced out of your car and put myself, and several other drivers at risk, trying to avoid hitting it." Now your Drivers License and Proof of Insurance please. Thank you Sir... And the 'Bitches' name, Sir. Hey! How dare you call my wife a bitch! Sir, I was referring to the dog! Oh... Her name is SARODI. What do you want her name for, officer? Well Sir, after I write your ticket for "Endangering Vehicular Traffic", I am going to cite your dog, SARODI for Littering!

[Fanie]

At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied,

"No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."

[Fanie]

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.

"What can I do for y'all?" asks the attendant. "Fill `er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac Deville."

"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant. "Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."

"Wow," says the attendant, "that's really something!" "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.

The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. "What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver. "Wow," says the attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything!"

[Fanie]

A pompous self made grocer named Bates gets his son into an expensive private school. On day One the whole family is there to see the little blighter begin his first day at school. The grocer, his family in tow, saunters into the principal's office and introduces himself thus: "I am Sir Shortweight Bates. This is my wife, Lady Bates, my daughter Miss Bates and my son Master Bates." "Oh does he?" asks the bemused principal, "we will soon get him out of that terrible habit."

[Fanie]

A teenager is walking downtown and a girl whispers to him, "Blowjob, five dollars". He gives her a strange look and keeps walking. Soon another girl does the same thing. Confused, he keeps walking. The first thing out of his mouth when he returned home was "Mom, what's a blowjob?". His mom replies "Five dollars, just like downtown!".

[Fanie]

A woman walks into the store and purchases the following: 1 small box of detergent
1 Bar of soap
3 individual servings of yogurt
2 oranges
1 stick of women�s deodorant.
She then goes to the check out line.

Cashier: Oh, you must be single
Woman: You can tell that by what I bought?
Cashier: No, you're ugly!

[Fanie]

A blind man was walking down the street with his dog. They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic. The dog, at this point, started pissing on the mans leg. As the dog finished the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the dog. A passerby saw all the events happening and was shocked. He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a nasty deed. The blind man replied "Oh I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his butt."

[Fanie]

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines." "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash." The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!" "Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them!" she replied. The third nun fainted.

[Fanie]

As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult. Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest nightclothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.

Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife's bedroom door.

"KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!"
Husband: "Guess whom?"
Wife: "I know who it is!"
Husband: "Guess what I want?"
Wife: "I know what you want!"
Husband: "Guess what I'm knockin' with?"

[Fanie]

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."

"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!"

"You did. All over his suit, " Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, **** him," said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

[Fanie]

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on the roof of their car which read, "TWO PROSTITUTES... $150.00."

A policeman noticed the car, and quickly pulled them over. He approached the ladies and told them they'd have to remove the sign. Otherwise, they'd be arrested and taken to jail. Just then, another car passed by with a sign which read, "JESUS SAVES."

The two ladies asked the policeman why he let the other car drive by without pulling them over. "Well, that's a little different since it pertains to religion." The two ladies were furious, but nonetheless they removed the sign and drove away.

The next day, the same policeman noticed the same two ladies riding around town with a sign on the roof of their car. He figured he had an easy bust, so he pulled them over once again. As he approached the car, though, he noticed a new sign which now read, "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER... $150.00."

[Fanie]

> Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
> Please select from the following options menu:
> If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
> If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
> If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
> If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the
> line so we can trace your call.
> If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the
> Mother Ship.
> If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell
> you which number to press.
> If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,
> nothing will make you happy anyway.
> If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
> If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the
> beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
> If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory
> loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
> If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to
> talk with you.
> If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie
> down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
> If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

[Fanie]

Dok's old age Alphabet

A's for arthritis,
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains - perhaps car-d-iac?

D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.

H is high blood pressure - I'd rather it low;
I is for incisions with scars you can show...
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!

P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus - there's bells in my ears!
U is for urinary... big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.

W is for worry - NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found;
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have - in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed, and I am keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!

[Fanie]

A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents.

He has a bad case of gas and really needs to releive some pressure.

Luckly, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it.

He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there."

The guy thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it." He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down.

This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman yells, "Dammit Spot, get down before he craps on you.

[Fanie]

A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. After a bit, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens...

He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail. Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going *up*!!

Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver -- by this time scared out of his wits -- yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?"

The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"

[Fanie]

On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

----o0o---

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have."

----o0o---

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

---o0o---

"Thank you for flying X.... We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

---o0o---

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at X... Airport, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

---o0o---

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo, a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

---o0o---

From a X... employee: "Welcome aboard X... 245 to C...
To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

---o0o---

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

---o0o---

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than X... Airlines."

----o0o---


"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

---o0o---

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.

Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

---o0o---

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "X... Airlines are
pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

---o0o---

Heard on X... 255 just after a very hard landing in X... Town: The
flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bumped I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, and it was the asphalt."

---o0o---

Overheard on a X... flight into X...Town, on a particularly windy and
bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight
it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to our City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxi's what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

---o0o---

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

---o0o---

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline. He said
that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking
with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

---o0o---

After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

---o0o---

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of X... Airways."

---o0o---

Heard on a X... flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke,
the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing. If you can light
'em, you can smoke 'em."

---o0o---

A plane was taking off from X... Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from X... to Y...
The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.
Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and
after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I
was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger then yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

[Fanie]

It seems a local bar was having problems with a particular patron. Every Friday night this one customer would drink until he became belligerent. Eventually the door man would ask him to leave and a fight would ensue. This went on for months and the bar had to keep replacing the door men, as they were continually being sent to the hospital.
Finally the bartender rang his mate at the Dallas Zoo and asked if he could borrow one of their gorillas.

Friday night rolled around and sure enough the same gentlemen returned to the bar. He bought everyone a round and begin drinking with some intensity. As he became progressively more intoxicated, he began shouting and challenging the other patrons to fights and feats of strength.
Once the barman had had enough, he nodded to the gorillas who approached the drunken man and began to pull him toward the door. A shoving match ensued and they began to tussle. They rolled around on the floor and eventually rolled right out the front door.
The other patrons stopped and listened and could here a hellish fight going on outside with screams and crashed and ungodly yelling.
Suddenly the door opened and the drunken man walked into the bar dusting himself off, saying, "You give one of the South Dallas coons a fur coat and they think they own the place."

[Fanie]

A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."

The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."

Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"

[Fanie]

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred.

All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls to rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.

[Fanie]

A guy decides to bring his new blonde girlfriend to a football game. After the game is over, he asks her if she liked the game.

She replies: "Oh it was great, I loved watching those men in tight clothes, but there is one thing I don't understand."

"What did you not understand ?"

And the blonde says: "Well, at the begginning of the game, both teams flipped a quarter to see who would kick off first. Then the rest of the game everybody was yelling get the quarter back, get the quarter back, get the quarter back. So I thought to myself, gosh it's just a quarter!"

[Fanie]

One day a big group of blondes met in New York to show the world that blondes aren't dumb.
They begged: "Ask any of us any question, and we will show you that we're not dumb."

The group caught the attention of a passer by, who volunteered to ask them some questions. He climbed up on a car and randomly picked a blonde out of the crowd.
She got up on the car too and the man asked: "What is the first month of the year?"
The blonde responded: "November?"

"Nope," said the man. At this point the crowd began to chant, "Give her another chance, give her another chance."

So the man asked: "What is the capital of the U.S.A ?"
The blonde responded: "Paris?"
So the crowd began chanting again: "Give her another chance, give her another chance."

The man said: "Okay, but this is the last one. What is one plus one?"
The blonde replied: "Two?"

“Give her another chance, Give her another chance." screamed the crowd.

[Fanie]

Three blondes are in an elevator when the elevator suddenly stops and the lights go out. They try using their cell phones to get help, but have no luck. Even the phones are out.

After a few hours of being stuck with no help in sight, one blonde says to the others "I think the best way to call for help is by yelling together."

The others agree with the first, so they all inhale deeply and begin to yell loudly "Together, together, together."

[hoytedow]

A woman walks into the store and purchases the following: 1 small box of detergent
1 Bar of soap
3 individual servings of yogurt
2 oranges
1 stick of women�s deodorant.
She then goes to the check out line.

Cashier: Oh, you must be single
Woman: You can tell that by what I bought?
Cashier: No, you're ugly!¿Fanie, don't you ever proofread? :P

[rxcomposite]

A teenager is walking downtown and a girl whispers to him, "Blowjob, five dollars". He gives her a strange look and keeps walking. Soon another girl does the same thing. Confused, he keeps walking. The first thing out of his mouth when he returned home was "Mom, what's a blowjob?". His mom replies "Five dollars, just like downtown!".

A man was walking downton when the prosty whispered into his ears "blow job, five dollars". The man haggled. How about one dollar? The prosti said scornfully "you are such a cheapskate, Go walk down the street and see if you can find one".

Later that evening, the man came back with his wife in tow to do some shopping. He bumped again with the prosti. The prosti looked at his wife, gave him a sarcastic look and whispered again in his ear.

"THAT IS WHAT YOU GET FOR ONE DOLLAR"

[Fanie]

There was a case in a Johannesburg Hospital’s ICU, where patients always died in the same bed, every Sunday morning at 11 am - regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that particular bed was the work of the Devil as to why the deaths at 11 am on Sunday mornings?
A world-wide team of experts were onstituted and they decided to go to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents.
So on the next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11am, all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.
Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off any evil spirits…
Just then the clock struck 11 and ………………
………….. In walked Precious Tshabalala (part-time cleaner).
She entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that she could use the vacuum cleaner.

[Fanie]

Judy got married and had 13 children.
Her first husband,Ted, died of cancer.
Shemarried again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.
Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Judy *again*, remarried,..... and this time, she & John had 5 more children.
Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:

"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied:....


"I think he means her *legs*, Ethel...."

[Fanie]

Cancel Credit Cards Prior To Death. Typical SA.

A lady died this past January, and ABSA bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been R0.00, is now R60.00. A family member placed a call to the ABSA Bank call centre :

Family Member : "I am calling to tell you that she died in January"
ABSA : "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply"

Family Member : "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections"
ABSA : "Since it is two months past due, it already has been"

Family Member :"So, what will they do when they find out she is dead ?"
ABSA : "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to The credit bureau, maybe both !"

Family Member : "Do you think God will be mad at her ?"
ABSA : "Excuse me ?"

Family Member : "Did you just get what I was telling you ... the part about her being dead ?"
ABSA : "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor"

(Supervisor gets on the phone)

Family Member : "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January"
ABSA : "'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply"

Family Member : "You mean you want to collect from her estate ?"
ABSA (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer ?"

Family Member : "No, I'm her great nephew" (Lawyer info given)
ABSA : "Could you fax us a certificate of death ?"

Family Member : "Sure" (fax number is given)

(After they get the fax)

ABSA : "Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help"
Family Member : "Well, if you figure it out, great ! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care"

ABSA : "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply"
Family Member : "Would you like her new billing address ?"

ABSA : "That might help"
Family Member : "West Park Cemetry, 12 West Park Road, Johannesburg, Plot Number 1049"

ABSA : "Sir, that's a cemetery !"
Family Member : "Well, what the &@** do you do with dead people on your planet ?"

[Fanie]

A blind man is sitting on a park bench. A rabbi sits down next to him. The rabbi is chomping on a piece of matzah. Taking pity on the blind man, he breaks off a piece and gives it to the blind man.

Several minutes later, the blind man turns taps the rabbi on the shoulder and asks, "Who wrote this ****?"

[Fanie]

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

[Fanie]

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

[Fanie]

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"

[Fanie]

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

[Fanie]

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

[Minusadegree]

An oldie but sooo true

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the
sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said,
"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said,
"Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
God replied, "Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required
reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!
I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could
possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said,
"God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I
want to know,
how she feels inside,
what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment,
why she cries,
what she means when she says nothing's wrong,
why she snaps and complains when I try to help,
and how I can make a woman truly happy?"
God replied:
"You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

[Minusadegree]

Little Red Riding Hood was getting ready to go see Grandma. She had a tiny mini skirt on, and high heels and a low neck sweater. She tells her Dad "I'm off to Grandmas!" dad says "not dressed like that young lady! The big bad wolf will get you and bite your titties!" LRRH says "oh no! I have this Big gun to protect me" and flashes a big gun hidden in her basket. Her Dad says " Well...go ask your mother. So she says "bye Mom! I'm off to visit Grandma!". Mom replies "not dressed like that your not! The big bad wolf will get you and bite your titties!" again, she flashes her gun and says "oh no! I have this pistol to protect me!". Mom reluctantly agrees and off LRRH skips down the path. About half way to Grandmas, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out from behind a tree in front of her with teeth snarling and says "ah ha!! Little Red Riding Hood! I've got you now, and I'm going to bite your titties!!!" Little Red Riding Hood reaches into her basket, pulls out her gun and says to the wolf "Ohhhh nooo your not! Your going to eat me like the story says!"!!!!

[CaptBill]

Go BIG or go home!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FhwSoF-BGYE

:D:D:D

[ancient kayaker]

The Australian Navy intercepted three boatloads of people off the North West coast of Australia.

This placed the Navy in an awkward position as the boats were heading not away from, but towards Indonesia.

Another surprise finding was that they were loaded with Australians who were all seniors of pension age.

Their claim was that they were trying to get to Indonesia so as to be able to return to Australia as illegal immigrants and therefore be entitled to far more benefits than they were receiving as legitimate Australian pensioners.

The Navy it is believed gave them food, water and fuel and assisted them on their journey north.

[hoytedow]

Our Yearly Dementia Test-- only 4 questions
Our Yearly Dementia Test

It's that time of year for us to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!
Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the last test. Some may think it is too easy but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.
The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.


1 What do you put in a toaster?













Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else . Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said, bread, go to Question 2.




2 Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?














Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Auto World.
However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.






3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?








Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these??? If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.







4. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus. In Reading , 6 people get off the bus and 9people get on. In Swindon , 2 people get off and 4 get on. In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea , 3 people get off and 5people get on. In Carmathen, 6people get off and 3 get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven ..


Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?








Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own age?
It was YOU driving the bus!!

[ancient kayaker]

I don't remember my own age; this was a decision I made some years ago.

[Minusadegree]

Dear bread, I'm hot, turned on, and want you inside me.
Sincerely,

the toaster

[ancient kayaker]

Dear bread, I'm hot, turned on, and want you inside me.
Sincerely,

the toaster

dear Marge, I'm the bread, now I'm hot - so too let's . . . (prize for most appropriate ending to this sentence)

How about "let's hurl ourselves wrong side up to the floor" . . . ?

[Minusadegree]

Dear bread, I'm hot, turned on, and want you inside me.

Don't worry, I wont burn you.

[Leo Lazauskas]

The Australian Navy intercepted three boatloads of people off the North West coast of Australia.

This placed the Navy in an awkward position as the boats were heading not away from, but towards Indonesia.

Another surprise finding was that they were loaded with Australians who were all seniors of pension age.

Their claim was that they were trying to get to Indonesia so as to be able to return to Australia as illegal immigrants and therefore be entitled to far more benefits than they were receiving as legitimate Australian pensioners.

The Navy it is believed gave them food, water and fuel and assisted them on their journey north.

The real joke is that many Australians are dumb enough to actually believe the rubbish broadcast by shock-jocks. :)

[hoytedow]

And then the front fell off.

[Leo Lazauskas]

dear Marge, I'm the bread, now I'm hot - so too let's
see if you really are soft and spreadable.

[Pericles]

Ak & LL,

I thought the joke was so good, it just had to have wider distribution so I posted it on the Andrew Bolt blog and lo & behold, there it is. Scroll down. Mon 27 Feb 12 (03:52pm) AK, got anymore like that? Post them with AB.

http://blogs.news.com.au/heraldsun/andrewbolt/index.php/heraldsun/comments/tony_abbott_says_australians_denied_a_new_start/#commentsmore

Regards,

Perry

[Leo Lazauskas]

Looks like Schettino has found a new job as a fire officer on another Costa ship.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-17183134

[ancient kayaker]

Looks like Schettino has found a new job as a fire officer on another Costa ship.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-17183134

- zer's a fire, lets sinka her! Zat will fixa zee problema! Donna worry, I hava zee experienca!

[hoytedow]

Wait til the UN gets a hold of the internet. Our ability to discuss the politicrats misdeeds will come to a screeching halt. The UN is the joke that is being played on all of us.

[rxcomposite]

3. If a red house is made from red bricks..............

Hoyt. I can assure you the red house is not made of red bricks but it would be FUN to go in there.:D

[Fanie]

Oh 4 5 C Hoyte, the UN is a joke. They are even helping the anc to disarm us just as they wish to do you, don't be too surprised if there's some money under the table. Watch closely, an 'accidental unforseen' genocide is close at hand here. You're next and that's no joke !

And then the front fell off.
If it's toast then the crust fell off.

That's one motherly big boat. I can see the whales being attracted to it... if the calling makes sense !
Sperm whales perhaps ;)

BTW. How about this perpetual motion for boat drives ? It's still toast related...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wvRzWYCZ2e0

[philSweet]

Originally Posted by ancient kayaker
dear Marge, I'm the bread, now I'm hot - so too let's

see if you really are soft and spreadable.

Your plate or mine? - Marge

[troy2000]

I saw some blonde paint at my local hardware store, so I gave it a try. It's not real bright paint, but it's cheap and spreads easy....

[Angélique]

I can assure you the red house is not made of red bricks . . . .

So Jimi told me . . . .

z-oRZjB7Ikw

Oh, yeah

There's a red house over yonder
That's where my baby stays
Lord, there's a red house over yonder
Lord, that's where my baby stays
I ain't been home to see my baby
In ninety-nine and one half days

Wait a minute something's wrong here
The key won't unlock this door
Wait a minute something's wrong
Lord, have mercy this key won't unlock this door
Somethin's goin' on here
I have a bad, bad feeling
That my baby don't live here no more
That's alright, I still got my guitar
Look out now...

Yeah, that's alright
I still got my guitar

Well, I might as well go back over yonder
Way back up on the hill
That's something to do
Lord, I might as well go back over yonder
Way back yonder 'cross the hill
'Cause if my baby don't love me no more
I know her sister will

[troy2000]

Looks like Jimi believed in keeping his options open.:p

Thanks for posting that, by the way. It's a classic example of how Hendrix could start out deep within the tradition of blues music, then stretch the boundaries until he was out there someplace where no one had ever gone before.... I had almost forgotten what an emotional impact his playing could have on me. I need to download a couple of his albums.

[Bamby]

Chevy Truck Test Drive

I stopped by the Chevrolet Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new Silverado 3500 pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new "feel."

The salesman (a black guy wearing an Obama "change" lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options. The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.

Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck.

Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck.

I explained that if it were an Obama truck, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.

I had to walk back to the dealership...damn guy had no sense of humor.

[Bamby]

These photos were taken from color slides found at the Library of Congress. They're dated between 1939-1943. The pictures are so clear and the color so vibrant, it looks as though they may of been taken just yesterday.

Captured: America in Color from 1939-1943 (http://extras.denverpost.com/archive/captured.asp)

[ancient kayaker]

Chevy Truck Test Drive

I stopped by the Chevrolet Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new Silverado 3500 pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new "feel."

The salesman (a black guy wearing an Obama "change" lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options. The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.

Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck.

Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck.

I explained that if it were an Obama truck, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.

I had to walk back to the dealership...damn guy had no sense of humor.

- maybe he was just messing with you . . .

[troy2000]

- maybe he was just messing with you . . .

Or maybe the story is just a joke told in the first person.;)

I voted for Obama, and will do the same this time around. But I got a good laugh out of it anyway....

[Fanie]

I voted for Obama, and will do the same this time around.

Perhaps you should live in SA for a while to get a glimpse what you're voting for :( I seriously hope this is a joke I'm missing...

[hoytedow]

Or maybe the story is just a joke told in the first person.;)

I voted for Obama, and will do the same this time around. But I got a good laugh out of it anyway....That's funny! LMAO! Jokes on you, though.

[troy2000]

Perhaps you should live in SA for a while to get a glimpse what you're voting for :( I seriously hope this is a joke I'm missing...

I didn't vote for anyone from South Africa, and I fail to see the connection -- Obama wasn't raised in Soweto. There's no reason for you to project your country's problems onto him, simply because of his skin color.

[Fanie]

Doesn't matter Troy, communism is not dead yet. In your country it is called democrats. The resemblance of what has happened here already is buzy repeating there by you.

We have been disarmed with ridiculous gun laws and years and years waiting for a gun license. They attempt to disarm you there, right ? Watch them push the issue. If it not met head on and with absolute vigor, they will simply start taking your guns.

If you want to fight this it is going to be with force. It was so bloody easy here it was a joke. Once your guns are gone you've already lost most of your 'rights'. Rights is a theory just like the constitution. The government simply announces new laws and values and if you don't like it, well tough.

Also watch what they press down your throat on a daily basis. Preople believe the crap they see on TV, all they do is start making people used to some logical fallicties, and pretty soon it is common knowledge. One of them is that guns are not property, as excreted by one of the ministers, the police will protect you - they screw with you and you loose big time.

[hoytedow]

It's not about race. It's about ideology of socialism.

[Fanie]

Correct. The few 'elite' live in luxury while the rest has to serve them. Big part of your economy's problem.

"You cannot legislate the poor into freedom by legislating the wealthy out of freedom. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they do not work for,that my dear friend, is about the end of any nation. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it."
Dr. Adrian Rogers, 1931

http://www.justfacts.com/racialissues.asp

You recognize the problem when you have to work for the government, and the government does not have to work for you.

[troy2000]

Doesn't matter Troy, communism is not dead yet. In your country it is called democrats. The resemblance of what has happened here already is buzy repeating there by you.

We have been disarmed with ridiculous gun laws and years and years waiting for a gun license. They attempt to disarm you there, right ? Watch them push the issue. If it not met head on and with absolute vigor, they will simply start taking your guns.

If you want to fight this it is going to be with force. It was so bloody easy here it was a joke. Once your guns are gone you've already lost most of your 'rights'. Rights is a theory just like the constitution. The government simply announces new laws and values and if you don't like it, well tough.

Also watch what they press down your throat on a daily basis. Preople believe the crap they see on TV, all they do is start making people used to some logical fallicties, and pretty soon it is common knowledge. One of them is that guns are not property, as excreted by one of the ministers, the police will protect you - they screw with you and you loose big time.

Why are you talking about communism? Do you genuinely believe Obama is a communist, or is that just a catch-all word for anyone and anything you dislike or fear, like Hoyt's use of the word 'liberal'?

Obama has been President since January 20, 2009, and so far he's signed exactly one bill into law that had anything to do with guns. It overturned federal rules forbidding loaded guns in national parks, and forces the parks to conform to the gun laws of the states they're located in instead. Seems a very slow (and odd) start, if he's planning to take our guns away from us....

By the way, I'm a registered member of the Democratic Party. Does that mean I'm a communist too?:confused:

[troy2000]

It's not about race. It's about ideology of socialism.

Baloney. I think Fanie's main problem with Obama is his skin color. It's leading him to make all sorts of unsubstantiated assumptions about the man.

[hoytedow]

I believe Obama is a communist. I also know he is a student of Saul Whatsisname and is friends with a guy who wanted to blow up the government. I also think he was born in Kenya, not Hawaii. He also voted to allow infanticide of babies who survived botched abortion attempts. I believe he is evil incarnate. Please show me to be in error. Boat. Leaky but still afloat. Taking torpedoes. Manning the pumps.

"I have not yet begun to fight!"
John Paul Jones

[troy2000]

Correct. The few 'elite' live in luxury while the rest has to serve them. Big part of your economy's problem.

"You cannot legislate the poor into freedom by legislating the wealthy out of freedom. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they do not work for,that my dear friend, is about the end of any nation. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it."
Dr. Adrian Rogers, 1931

http://www.justfacts.com/racialissues.asp

You recognize the problem when you have to work for the government, and the government does not have to work for you.

The government works for me on a regular basis. It provides me with everything from highways to weather forecasts and navigation maps.

[troy2000]

I believe Obama is a communist. I also know he is a student of Saul Whatsisname and is friends with a guy who wanted to blow up the government. I also think he was born in Kenya, not Hawaii. He also voted to allow infanticide of babies who survived botched abortion attempts. I believe he is evil incarnate. Please show me to be in error. Boat. Leaky but still afloat. Taking torpedoes. Manning the pumps.

"I have not yet begun to fight!"
John Paul Jones
That is such a mishmash of paranoia, misinformation and downright lies that there's no sense even trying to deal with it. Especially since I couldn't pry your mind open far enough to change it if I used a three foot crowbar....:rolleyes:

[troy2000]

I'm going to stop now; I think we've hijacked the joke thread long enough.:p

[Fanie]

I think Fanie's main problem with Obama is his skin color.
Been hearing that for the last 18 years mate, every time someone dares to expresses their disapproval of the autrocities going on here. It always start out to test the reaction of the people by slow simple 'nonthreatening' changes while they use tv and the newspapers to program you. One morning you realize it is over for you and your children has no figgin future in that country.

Where to then.

[hoytedow]

"President Obama will begin a three-state bus tour. I believe the three states are confusion, delusion, and desperation. " —Jay Leno

[troy2000]

Been hearing that for the last 18 years mate, every time someone dares to expresses their disapproval of the autrocities going on here. It always start out to test the reaction of the people by slow simple 'nonthreatening' changes while they use tv and the newspapers to program you. One morning you realize it is over for you and your children has no figgin future in that country.

Where to then.
I'll answer this in a PM; I was serious about not wanting to hijack the thread.

[Ad Hoc]

It's not about race. It's about ideology of socialism.

You may, or may not, find this an interesting read:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-16583813

The table at the bottom makes interesting comparisons too.

[troy2000]

You may, or may not, find this an interesting read:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-16583813

The table at the bottom makes interesting comparisons too.

No surprise there. In the 2004 elections, the Republicans got useful mileage out of having their talk-show parrots tell us that Kerry somehow 'looks French.'

'No one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American people.'
H.L. Mencken

I don't know about that, but I pretty well guarantee no politician in the last few years has lost votes in a Republican primary by underestimating the Republican base. Of course, then they have to face the independent and Democratic voters during the general election.....

Interesting statistics in that table. According to it, our screwed-up mishmash of private and public healthcare is costing us a significantly higher percentage of our GDP than the systems in those horrid 'socialist' European countries.

So our system costs us more, and delivers less healthcare. Gee.... what's not to love about that?

edit: One caveat, though. Our country was largely settled by people who came here because they were unhappy in Europe for one reason or another: religious, political or simply economic. So it's hardly surprising to find anti-European attitudes still woven into its fabric....

[Frosty]

'No one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American people.'
H.L. Mencken

You would no doubt have had some harsh words to say if I had said that.

Its not they way you tell em, or what you say --its who says it.

[troy2000]

'This message is not displayed because Frosty is on your ignore list.'

Happiness is seeing that notice come up on my screen....:D:D:D

[Frosty]

Still knew I had posted and you rushed on in didnt ya!

Great signature by the way.

[ancient kayaker]

. . . Interesting statistics in that table. According to it, our screwed-up mishmash of private and public healthcare is costing us a significantly higher percentage of our GDP than the systems in those horrid 'socialist' European countries . . .

I'm not sure it's anything to do with anti-Euro sentiments, it's all about winning the next election by any means fair or foul.

However, the statistics on health costs are interesting indeed; Canadian health cost was missing from that list and averages around the 10% of GDP mark, similar to typical Euro numbers. It's noticeable that the more centrally integrated the health systems are the less they seem to cost in terms of GDP, one of the lowest is in the UK, and the most fractured and decentralized of all, that of the US, is almost double what appears to be the average figure for the rest of the industrialized World.

No doubt I will attract a slew of vituperative responses from some US members of the forum; I don't give a d@mn about US politics personally except as they impact on the rest of the World so at least I cannot be accused of being partisan. There's a lot about the US and Americans in general that I greatly admire, but also a lot of things I plain just don't understand.

From these numbers health care seems to be one aspect of human endeavour that benefits from a measure of government regulation and central organisation. It seems strange to me how a country like the US, that values materialism and practicality so highly, has this almost mystical concept of "freedom" that apparently embraces the freedom to starve to death, or to die of sickness and lack of care in old age, rather than toss some bucks into the community pot and share some of the country's wealth in a reasonable and efficient manner.

There appears to be a jibbering fear in the US of powerful centralised government organizations. This in a country that boasts the FBI, the CIA, the Patriot Act and the most extreme and personally-invasive anti-terrorism laws on the planet.

From this rant, it could be deduced that I am a raving socialist. Nothing could be further from the truth, as I am a committed conservative all my life, but I am prepared to waive my political beliefs in the face of the suffering of my fellow man.

[Leo Lazauskas]

From this rant, it could be deduced that I am a raving socialist. Nothing could be further from the truth, as I am a committed conservative all my life, but I am prepared to waive my political beliefs in the face of the suffering of my fellow man.

As you are a conservative, and this is a joke thread, what do you think of
the proposal to privatize the police in the UK?

[philSweet]

Then will they have a choice of service providers, and not be taxed? Will it be subscription fee based or pay as you go? Will they have an ala carte plan- I'd like protection from muggers and car thieves, but don't really need the other options. I'd like to drop the traffic cop option:D

At least the poor beat cops won't have any disillusions as to who they are really working for. I suppose insurance companies would field there own LEOs (edit, sorry Leo, LEO is Law Enforcement Officer). You'd buy a bundle of insurance and police; just like cable and wireless packages.

I have a small problem with some private citizens being given rights superior to others, but it's a bit of a moot objection these days.

I would think this idea would scare the hell out of the legislators. What good is the ability to make legislation if you can't control its enforcement. I guess that's precisely the argument the lobbyists are making to their clients.:eek:

Lets see, if you could write legislation, control enforcement, and sell insurance; that would be good, right? It's not like the police report has any bearing on insurance payouts:rolleyes:

[philSweet]

Perhaps they could swap? The Govt. takes over all the insurance businesses and the police get privatized?

You could write a decent alternate history novel around that premise.

[Bamby]

Different ways of looking at things

1. Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid bastards because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

2. Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked and playing with himself in front of a tractor.. Mick says, "Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?" Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to attracter.....

3. The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.

4. Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant. Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?. Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!

5. Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year".... Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

6. Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station. Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?" Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

7. Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?" Paddy says, "yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

[Bamby]

The Blind Cashier:

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.


The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades. She says to him, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, ?"Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway......

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and
10-LB. Test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts.

At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes......there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

She paid it and left without saying a word.

[Bamby]

Husband Daycare Center....

67988

[bntii]

Is this some sort of joke- politics are hanging out in the humor thread?
:P

[Bamby]

Is this some sort of joke- politics are hanging out in the humor thread?
:P

ELECTILE DYSFUNCTION: the inability to become
aroused over any of the choices for President put
forth by either party in the 2012 election year... :P

[Bamby]

Who's an electrician here..;)

67989

[ancient kayaker]

As you are a conservative, and this is a joke thread, what do you think of
the proposal to privatize the police in the UK?

Is this some sort of joke- politics are hanging out in the humor thread?
:P

Sshh . . .! It's obviously a private joke . . .

[Leo Lazauskas]

Perhaps they could swap? The Govt. takes over all the insurance businesses and the police get privatized?

You could write a decent alternate history novel around that premise.

They did. It's called Robocop. :)

[ancient kayaker]

A child's prayer

[Minusadegree]

A child's prayer

Yowser

[hoytedow]

I found this funny link: http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056491190

Check out the definitions!

http://pollexworld.com/anudrake/animated%20gifs/BenderBoat.gif

Saudi Arabia do not sell Flintstone DVD's

but Abu Dhabi do

[Fanie]

THE PRAYER THAT SHOCKED THE WORLD

When Minister Joe Wright was asked to open the new session of the Kansas Senate, everyone was expecting the usual generalities, but this is what they heard:

"Heavenly Father, we come before you today to ask your forgiveness and to seek your direction and guidance. We know Your Word says, "Woe to those who call evil good", but that is exactly what we have done. We have lost our spiritual equilibrium and reversed our values.

We have exploited the poor and called it the lottery.
We have rewarded laziness and called it welfare.
We have killed our unborn and called it choice.
We have shot anti-abortionists and called it justifiable.
We have neglected to discipline our children and called it building self esteem.
We have abused power and called it politics.
We have coveted our neighbor's possessions and called it ambition.
We have polluted the air with profanity and pornography and called it freedom of expression.
We have ridiculed the time-honored values of our forefathers and called it enlightenment.

Search us, Oh, God, and know our hearts today; cleanse us from every sin and set us free. Amen!"

The response was immediate. A number of legislators walked out during the prayer in protest.

In 6 short weeks, Central Christian Church, where Rev. Wright is pastor, logged more than 5,000 phone calls with only 47 of those calls responding negatively.

The church is now receiving international requests for copies of this prayer from India, Africa and Korea.

Commentator Paul Harvey aired this prayer on his radio program, "The Rest of the Story," and received a larger response to this program than any other he has ever aired

[Leo Lazauskas]

In 6 short weeks, Central Christian Church, where Rev. Wright is pastor, logged more than 5,000 phone calls with only 47 of those calls responding negatively.


What happened to televangelist Jim Bakker was even funnier:
Bakker was indicted in 1988 on eight counts of mail fraud, 15 counts of wire
fraud and one count of conspiracy.

[Fanie]

This should give you a eh eh eh kick ;)

[Leo Lazauskas]

This should give you a eh eh eh kick ;)

Yeah, those racist creeps set hard maths tests, but failed Politics 101
themselves. They just didn't have the numbers :P

[hoytedow]

THE PRAYER THAT SHOCKED THE WORLD

When Minister Joe Wright was asked to open the new session of the Kansas Senate, everyone was expecting the usual generalities, but this is what they heard:

"Heavenly Father, we come before you today to ask your forgiveness and to seek your direction and guidance. We know Your Word says, "Woe to those who call evil good", but that is exactly what we have done. We have lost our spiritual equilibrium and reversed our values.

We have exploited the poor and called it the lottery.
We have rewarded laziness and called it welfare.
We have killed our unborn and called it choice.
We have shot anti-abortionists and called it justifiable.
We have neglected to discipline our children and called it building self esteem.
We have abused power and called it politics.
We have coveted our neighbor's possessions and called it ambition.
We have polluted the air with profanity and pornography and called it freedom of expression.
We have ridiculed the time-honored values of our forefathers and called it enlightenment.

Search us, Oh, God, and know our hearts today; cleanse us from every sin and set us free. Amen!"

The response was immediate. A number of legislators walked out during the prayer in protest.

In 6 short weeks, Central Christian Church, where Rev. Wright is pastor, logged more than 5,000 phone calls with only 47 of those calls responding negatively.

The church is now receiving international requests for copies of this prayer from India, Africa and Korea.

Commentator Paul Harvey aired this prayer on his radio program, "The Rest of the Story," and received a larger response to this program than any other he has ever airedGod bless Paul Harvey, may he rest in peace.

[Frosty]

Is this the joke thread? you gotta be kidding me.

What a laugh oh My sides hurt.

[Pericles]

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast
He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'
The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead.
Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'

The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.
But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'

He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it. 'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?

'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 PM tonight and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!

[Pericles]

IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No , I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do...
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

[ancient kayaker]

Someone who evidently has been collecting newspaper headlines for a LONG time sent me these:

[hoytedow]

IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No , I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do...
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing lawHippity-hop to the corner shop for apocryphal of candy.

[ancient kayaker]

Hail to the Mistress of the Universe -

[Pericles]

A ring, a ring o' roses,
Apocryphal o’posies-
Atishoo atishoo we all fall down.

[hoytedow]

A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

[Frosty]

A ring, a ring o' roses,
Apocryphal o’posies-
Atishoo atishoo we all fall down.

For the historical septics, ring o ring described the skin rash of the great plague of London. Sneezing and death was also a symptom of the disease.

[Leo Lazauskas]

For the historical septics, ring o ring described the skin rash of the great plague of London. Sneezing and death was also a symptom of the disease.

That explanation has been rejected many times.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ring_a_Ring_o%27_Roses

[BPL]

http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc7/429862_3509245170001_1237995679_3519529_179829737_n.jpg

[ancient kayaker]

In a proper boating cartoon he would be handing over at least a beer cooler, better still a paddle. That's just my opinion of course, you are welcome to suggest alternatives, but not a banjo Pleeez . . .

[ancient kayaker]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y07at1bU89Q

[Fanie]

Hi Guys,

We have a place called Brakpan, it's a suburb of Jo'burg. Not a bad place, but you know how we give a place a reputation... A lot like your rednecks ;)

So here's a couple I'll try to translate.

What does the Brakpan sewage dam have that other town's sewage dams don't have ?
A diving board

The blond bank teller lies on her back during a bank robbery.
The manager shouts 'Bloody hell, lie on your tummy, it's a bank robbery not a year end function !

Guy tunes the guy visiting his doughter that lights will be off at 10h00.
'Cool ! I'm not here to read book in any case !'

Brakpan guys drink so much at a braai (BBQ) so their kids don't smell they had meat to eat.

Guy tunes his buddy: Damn wife wants me to pay her to have sex :(
Friend: Hit the btch ! She doesn't charge us anyhing !

Brakpan oke lost a quiz.
Aparently the place women has the most curly hair is 'Africa'.
What is found in most cells wasn't blcks either.

If you see a car with a matress on the roof you know it's a prossy on call-out.

[SamSam]

Did you know if you put your ear up to a strangers leg, you can hear them say "WTF are you doing?"

[troy2000]

A guy says to his buddy, "damn, I'm tired of my wife hitting me up for money. Every time I turn around, it's 'Joe, I need ten dollars. Joe, gimme twenty dollars. Joe, I need some cash.' I tell you, she's driving me crazy."

His buddy asks, "so what does she do with all that money? And Joe shrugs and says, "I dunno... I never give her any."

[Fanie]

Sam-Sam I just know of the blond that tatoo-ed a sea shell on her upper inner leg.
If you put your ear against it you can smell the sea :D

[WestVanHan]

Here it is...

[SheetWise]

In that spirit ...

"Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house."

-- Rod Stewart

[the1much]

instaed of gettin married,,,a 30cal bullet is jus a buck... :D

[hoytedow]

Let's all hope for a speedy recovery for the ol' melon smasher.

http://www.calgaryherald.com/entertainment/Prop+comic+Gallagher+recovering+after+heart+attack/6308775/story.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yDFQXxWIyvQ&feature=related

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gallagher_(comedian

[Minusadegree]

A conversation in heaven

SYLVIA:
Hi! Wanda.

WANDA:
Hi! Sylvia.
How'd you die?

SYLVIA:
I froze to death.

WANDA:
How horrible!

SYLVIA:
It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from
the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy,
and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?

WANDA:
I died of a massive heart attack.
I suspected that my husband was cheating,
so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself
in the den watching TV.

SYLVIA:
So, what happened?

WANDA:
I was so sure there was another woman
there somewhere that I started running
all over the house looking. I ran up into
the attic and searched, and down into the
basement. Then I went through every closet
and checked under all the beds. I kept this up
until I had looked everywhere, and finally
I became so exhausted that I just keeled over
with a heart attack and died.

SYLVIA:
Too bad you didn't look in the freezer
---we'd both still be alive.

[Fanie]

Sense of Freshness....

A while ago a new supermarket opened in Woodvale Western Australia.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mowed hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

[ancient kayaker]

More from the phantom news clipping service -

[Fanie]

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary..

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!



Excerpts from a Cat's Diary.

Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.
Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage..

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.........

[ancient kayaker]

Quote of the week -

"It must be true, It was in the newspaper"

[medaca]

So you want a boat? :D
The definition of: B. reak O. ut A. nother T. housand

That's Cool!

[medaca]

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary..

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!



Excerpts from a Cat's Diary.

Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.
Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage..

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.........

LUCKY DOG!:D

[Redtick]

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.

The very blond wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How hell should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.

The husband said, 'Who was that?'

The wife answered, 'I don't know, some crazy woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.' 'Now how the hell would I know that!'

[medaca]

:d:d:d:d:d:d

[the1much]

why do blonde women have black n blues round their belly-buttons




cuz god made blonde guys too ;)-

[ancient kayaker]

From the kayak forum:-

Three guys had an accident and went straight to heaven. When they got there, St. Peter said, "We only have one rule in heaven. Don't step on the ducks!"

They entered heaven and sure enough there were ducks all over the place. It was almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they tried their best to avoid them the first guy accidentally stepped on one.

Along came St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chained them together and said, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman".

The next day, the second guy stepped accidentally on a duck and along came St. Peter, who didn't miss a thing, and with him was another ugly woman. He chained them together with the same admonishment as the first.

The third guy had observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to a horrible looking woman was very careful where he stepped. He managed to go for months without stepping on any ducks. Then one day, St. Peter came up to him with the most gorgeous woman he had ever laid eyes on. St. Peter chained them together without saying a word.

The guy remarked, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?"

She replied, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck"!

[Fanie]

When you're from the country, your perception is a little bit different. A Queensland farmer drove to a neighbours' farmhouse in his Holden ute, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your Dad or your mum home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No, he went with Mum and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment...

"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

[Bamby]

Two Trees and a Woodpecker

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.

[Bamby]

No Health Insurance

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was
going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.

He replied, in a raspy voice, 'No health insurance.'

The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied. 'No money in the bank.'

The nun asked, 'Do you have a relative who could help you?'

He said, 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.'

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, 'Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.'

The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother-in-law!"

[Bamby]

Irish Weeniers

Three 3rd Graders: an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Black kid, are
on the playground at recess. The Irish kid suggests that they play a
new game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says.

"Okay." They all agree.

The Irish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.

"That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out, and proudly
shows that his is at least an inch longer.

Not to be outdone, the Black kid whips his out. It is by far, not only
the biggest, but the fattest.

That night, eating dinner at home, the Black kid's mother asks him
what he did at school today.

"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test, and read out
loud from a new book, and then during recess, my friends and I played
a new game called 'Let's see who has the largest weenie."

"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.

"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies, and I had
the biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm Black. Is that true?”

"No, Leroy. It's because you're eighteen." :P

[Bamby]

You Know You're In a Redneck Church When ...

... The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

... People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5,000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

... The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys and two women stand up.

... Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

... A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

... The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

... In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven different last names in the church directory.

... People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

... The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized "Wheeling" washtub.

... The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

... The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.

... Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.

... The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

... The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

... "Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dawgs, too.

... The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, heah"?

[Minusadegree]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying ******?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said.. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish ******'...

It's when you drop the ****** tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Freakin' jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Dunkin Donuts again!'

[ancient kayaker]

More from the laughing clipper. BTW: I didn't see one of those Australian stealth vehicles the other day; impressive technology!

[brian eiland]

I was in a pub on Saturday night.


Had a few....& eventually noticed two large women by the bar.


They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"


One of them snapped: "It's WALES you friggin' idiot!"


So, I immediately apologized and said..., "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"


....Then the lights went out...

[Minusadegree]

The Tax Man Cometh Again

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the
books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books, he
turned to the CFO of the hospital and said,? "I notice you buy a lot of
bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little
left to be of any use?"
"Good question ," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on patient?"
"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer
and every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about once a year
they send us a complete prick."
HAPPY APRIL 15 !!!!!

[Minusadegree]

Troubled English!

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licences of bald men?

15.. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

16.. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

18. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

19. Ever wonder about those people who spend £2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAÏVE

20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

[Fanie]

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
Only in the east.

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
We Dutch Afrikaners in South Africa call them that all the time :P

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Probably if mommy have nice nanna's, yes, of course, what kind of a question is this ?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Well, it can't be hoarse, can it ?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
You don't see the clothes :cool:

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
He is broke and needs your's :eek:

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
I

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
In South Afrika we are.

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Ego perhaps ?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Probably because the sea is too big to see over :rolleyes:

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
In schools here they do :D

12. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
Correct !

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
And fishermen are deboned and hunters skinned and sailor's stayed.

14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licences of bald men?
I completely blanked when I read this question :idea:

15.. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
When kids finally get their rights they WILL demand tits !

16.. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
Actually, they will be rewarded by the checque the postman gives them if I read obummer right ! It worked here, why won't it work there ?

17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
On our roads you can do what ever you want, but if you speed, even slightly, you are dead meat.

18. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
Same as there are only religious men in the face of death ?

19. Ever wonder about those people who spend £2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAÏVE
Sprinkle it on your boat for good luck then :rolleyes:

20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Ever seen how someone who just farted look at every one else ?
LOL, and who feels guilty ?

[Pericles]

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
>
>
> The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'
>
> The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'
>
> The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
>
> His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
>
> After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK,
> so how many sales did you make today?'
>
>
> The Aussie said 'One!'
>
>
> The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average
> 20 or 30 sales a day.
>
>
> How much was the sale for?'
> '£124,237.64p.'
>
> The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?'
>
> 'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and
> then I sold him a new fishing rod.'
>
>
> 'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the
> coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat
> department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'
>
>
>
> 'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took
> him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4
>
>
> The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in
> here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'
>
> 'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady
> friend and I said...




> 'Well, since your weekend's buggered mate, you might as well go fishing.'

[ancient kayaker]

£124,237.64p eh? Either the exchange rate or inflation, used to be only US$112,237.64!

[Fanie]

An Arab enters a taxi cab in Dallas, Texas.

Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because he must not hear music, as decreed by his religion; and in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music, which is music of the infidels, and certainly no radio.

So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, pulls over to the side, stops the cab and opens the back door.

The Arab asks him: What are you doing man?

The Texan answers: In the time of the prophet there were no taxis.
So get your ass out and wait for a camel.

You gotta love Texas.

[Pericles]

Terry AK,

This is Harrods we're joking about. Always twice the price in there. :):)

[Fanie]

Talking about expensive. I received this encouraging message this morning :rolleyes:



Good Day

Petrol price is expected to rise by another 65 cents next month,
I strongly recommend that you read this carefully and start looking for cheaper transport now……

Here are a few pointers.

[ancient kayaker]

Terry AK,

This is Harrods we're joking about. Always twice the price in there. :):)

I'm familiar with prices in UK (and Europe): I used to attend the model aircraft competitions in High Wycombe a VERY long while ago . . .

[hoytedow]

Talking about expensive. I received this encouraging message this morning :rolleyes:



Good Day

Petrol price is expected to rise by another 65 cents next month,
I strongly recommend that you read this carefully and start looking for cheaper transport now……

Here are a few pointers.They look like a czar line-up at the white house.

[masalai]

Agroup of international sailors were wandering around town, there was an Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, an Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, and two Africans…

… walk into the Prime Rib Restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d'hôtel, after scrutinizing the group. "You can't come in here without a Thai."

[Fanie]

Honey, did you change the password on the computer ?

Yes dear...

Well... what is it ?

It's our wedding aniversary dear.

%&$#^%& !

[Bamby]

And It's One, Two, Three, What Are We Fighting For?

69586

[hoytedow]

Poignant.

[lewisboats]

Poignant.

indeed!

[SheetWise]

I see the humor -- and it depresses me.

[troy2000]

And It's One, Two, Three, What Are We Fighting For?

69586

That one does hit home, I'm afraid.:(

[Frosty]

Im sure its 0ne -two- three- four-- what are we fighting for!!!!

four rhymes with for.

[souljour2000]

Yeah but if you know the first few words of that well-known Country Joe and the Fish song...it don't all have to be recited...Frost...

BTW..when I was about 7-8 years old we had just rented a new house in Arlington,VA and finding the attic pull-down stairs I ventured into the attic to properly explore it for the first time and proceeded to find the complete Woodstock album set....and thanks to the above song...for the next month I learned some new words that rhyme with buck or at least how to spell them ...not sure what happened but mom probably removed that one day...anyways...back to the jokes..

Okay...this one may have been offensive to some so I changed the joke in light of a recent news story....and it's about the only joke I can ever remember...so here it is in hybrid....


Q. What do you call four foundering Mexican Fishing boats that are each about to sink due to the fact they each are overburdened with 20 ft+ great white sharks?


A. .Cuatro...Cinco!

buh-bo-bu-bah :o :D

[Frosty]

You might have changed it a tad too much as I dont understand --it wont keep me awake tonight thinking about it though.

[hoytedow]

Here's some Old English from the poem called The Wanderer:
"Geond lagu lade longe sceolde hreran
mid hondum hrim cealde sæ
wadan wræclastas
wyrd bið ful aræd."

I tried not to change it.

Source: The Exeter Book at http://www.carlanayland.org/exile/index.htm

[hoytedow]

Yeah.................


Q. What do you call four foundering Mexican Fishing boats that are each about to sink due to the fact they each are overburdened with 20 ft+ great white sharks?


A. .Cuatro...Cinco!

buh-bo-bu-bah :o :DOr you might like this one:

There were two cats, 1 2 3 cat and un deux trois cat, they had a swimming race from England to France. Who won?














1 2 3 Cat because Un deux trois quatre cinq (un deux trois cat sank) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Riddle

[Frosty]

I havnt heard that joke since school congratulations for having the bottle to tell it.

[SheetWise]

http://www.sheetwise.com/Mayans.jpg

[Fanie]

Bamby I owe you for that one !

EXACTLY the same going on here, we are just slightly ahead of you though :(

[hoytedow]

Sad in so many ways, yet funny in at least one.

We'll miss you great American Bandstand man.

http://www.sheetwise.com/Mayans.jpg

[Redtick]

A Preacher was seated next to a Good Ole Cajun Boy on a flight to Baton Rouge. After the plane took off, the Cajun asked for a whiskey and ice, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink. Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute than let whiskey touch my lips."

The Cajun jumped up and handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

[Minusadegree]

Frozen Crabs & the Blonde Stewardess

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin . . ..Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up ..... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.

[Bamby]

How Banks Really Work

Q: What are banks for?
A: To make money.


Q: For the customers?
A: For the banks.


Q: Why doesn't bank advertising mention this?
A: It would not be in good taste. But it is mentioned by implication in references to reserves of $249,000,000,000 or
thereabouts. That is the money they have made.


Q: Out of the customers?

A: I suppose so.


Q: They also mention Assets of $500,000,000,000 or thereabouts. Have they made that too?
A: Not exactly. That is the money they use to make money.


Q: I see. And they keep it in a safe somewhere?
A: Not at all. They lend it to customers.


Q: Then they haven't got it?
A: No.


Q: Then how is it Assets?
A: They maintain that it would be if they got it back.


Q: But they must have some money in a safe somewhere?
A: Yes, usually $500,000,000,000 or thereabouts. This is called Liabilities.


Q: But if they've got it, how can they be liable for it?
A: Because it isn't theirs.


Q: Then why do they have it?
A: It has been lent to them by customers.


Q: You mean customers lend banks money?
A: In effect. They put money into their accounts, so it is really lent to the banks.


Q: And what do the banks do with it?
A: Lend it to other customers.


Q: But you said that money they lent to other people was Assets?
A: Yes.


Q: Then Assets and Liabilities must be the same thing?
A: You can't really say that.


Q: But you've just said it! If I put $100 into my account the bank is liable to have to pay it back, so it's Liabilities. But they
go and lend it to someone else and he is liable to have to pay it back, so it's Assets. It's the same $100 isn't it?
A: Yes, but....


Q: Then it cancels out. It means, doesn't it, that banks haven't really any money at all?
A: Theoretically....


Q: Never mind theoretically! And if they haven't any money, where do they get their Reserves of $249,000,000,000 or
thereabouts??
A: I told you. That is the money they have made.


Q: How?
A: Well, when they lend your $100 to someone they charge him interest.


Q: How much?
A: It depends on the Bank Rate. Say five-and-a-half percent. That's their profit.


Q: Why isn't it my profit? Isn't it my money?
A: It's the theory of banking practice that....


Q: When I lend them my $100 why don't I charge them interest?
A: You do.


Q: You don't say. How much?
A: It depends on the Bank Rate. Say a half percent.


Q: A whole half percent? Greedy of me, no?
A: But that's only if you're not going to draw the money out again.


Q: But of course I'm going to draw the money out again! If I hadn't wanted to draw it out again I could have buried it in
the garden!
A: They wouldn't like you to draw it out again.


Q: Why not? If I keep it there you say it's a Liability. Wouldn't they be glad if I reduced their Liabilities by removing it?
A: No. Because if you remove it they can't lend it to anyone else.


Q: But if I wanted to remove it they'd have to let me?
A: Certainly.


Q: But suppose they've already lent it to another customer?
A: Then they'll let you have some other customer's money.


Q: But suppose he wants his too... and they've already let me have it?
A: You're being purposely obtuse.


Q: I think I'm being astute. What if everyone wanted their money all at once?
A: It's the theory of banking practice that they never would.


Q: So what banks bank on, is not having to meet their commitments?
A. Correct!

In Banking "The Jokes on Us"

[hoytedow]

What a way to end 400 pages(almost)!

[ancient kayaker]

http://www.youtube.com/v/316AzLYfAzw&autoplay=1&rel=0

[yipster]

What a way to end 400 pages!
and its going on with added drama in belgium above :P

[Angélique]

On a quiet street in Belgium, enjoying a morning coffee

http://www.youtube.com/v/316AzLYfAzw&autoplay=1&rel=0

69802

The trees are gone, the road signs are orange, and the terraces are gone, everything else is normal in the vid :P

- - click pics to enlarge
69803

The Grote Markt in Aarschot (http://maps.google.be/maps?q=Grote+Markt,+Aarschot,+Belgi%C3%AB&hl=nl&ie=UTF8&ll=50.984026,4.836371&spn=0.000027,0.018389&sll=50.984336,4.836651&sspn=0.007551,0.018389&oq=Grote+Markt,+Aarschot,+Belgi%C3%AB&hnear=Grote+Markt,+3200+Aarschot,+Vlaams-Brabant,+Vlaams+Gewest,+Belgi%C3%AB&t=m&layer=c&cbll=50.984026,4.836371&panoid=FIYAVnsRbQUhCedBw40RDw&cbp=13,183.26,,0,-1.05&z=16).

Cheers,
Angel

[hoytedow]

That was just super!

[Bamby]

Liberal Media

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Louisiana when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...
So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS

AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

[Bamby]

Pet Rooster

A farmer and a pet rooster went everywhere together. One day they went to a movie and as the farmer got close to the ticket window the clerk said,"I'm sorry but you can't take animals into the theater."

The man looked sad and said "But this is my pet rooster, Clucky. He goes wherever I go.

"Oh, I understand,”but if that is the case "you should not come in either."

The farmer sighed and said, "Well this time I will leave him in the truck!”

So the farmer went around the corner and stuffed Clucky down his pants. He then went back, got his ticket, went into the theater, and sat down next to two old ladies.

About halfway through the movie Clucky started struggling so the farmer unzipped his pants to let him stick his head out.

The first old lady saw this and turned to her friend and whispered, "Patsy, you’re not going to believe this but the man next to me has just unzipped his pants and let his thing out."

Patsy turned to her friend and said, "Well just ignore him. Besides, at our age, we've seen plenty."

"Well normally I would agree with you, but this one eating my popcorn!"

[Bamby]

Little Johnny on the farm

One morning, Johnny comes down to breakfast.

His mother says to him, have you done your farm chores yet?

Johnny says, no.

So the mother says, do your chores... then you can have your breakfast.

Angrily, Johnny stomps out to the cow shed.

While he's milking the cows, he kicks a cow.

Then he goes to collect the eggs from the chickens, and kicks a chicken

Then he goes to check on the pigs, and kicks a pig

Coming back in to the house, he finds a bowl of dry cereal at the breakfast table.

His mother explains that because he kicked a cow, he'd have no milk for a week. Because you kicked the chicken, no eggs for a week. And because you kicked the pig, there’ll also be no bacon for a week.

Just then, the father comes down and kicks the cat

Johnny: do you want to tell him, or shall I

[rxcomposite]

How Banks Really Work

Q: I think I'm being astute. What if everyone wanted their money all at once?

[/I]

A: It is called a bankrun.

Q: How can a bank run? It is planted solidly to the ground.
A: It is only a term. The bank officials close the doors and exit thru the backdoor so they will not honor the commitment.

Q: What will they tell the depositors?
A: They will call it a Bank Holiday. Celebrating perhaps on how gullible the depositors are.

[Minusadegree]

The female dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.

"No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.

"I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection," the patient says. "'I'm fine with pills."

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a v*****."

The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know v***** worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."

[ancient kayaker]

This is the text of an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan Smith regarding a pond on his property. It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania. Mr. Smith's response is hilarious. Names have been changed to protect both the innocent and the guilty . . .
SUBJECT: DEQ
File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. Smith:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2010.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action..

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Jones
District Representative and Water Management Division.

Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. Smith: Re: DEQ File
No.. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. Jones,

Your certified letter dated 11/17/09 has been handed to me. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane, Trout Run, Pennsylvania.

A couple of beavers are in the (State-unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood 'debris' dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, nor authorized, nor supervised their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of nature’s building materials: 'debris.'

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:

(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. (Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.)

I have several dam concerns. My first dam concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.

The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.

If you want the damed stream 'restored' to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2010? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice by then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your dam step! The bears are not careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU,


RYAN Smith & THE DAM BEAVERS

[hoytedow]

That was dam funny.