BOAT JOKES (we need a few laughs) [Archive] - Page 2

PI Design

07-05-2007, 10:37 AM

Aye Walrus, I've served time in Devonport. But don't call me a docky! I never perfected the slow amble needed to waste hours walking from one side of the yard to the other, whilst holding a piece of paper.

True dit: A management consultant was called in to see how to improve efficiency at the yard. He shadowed a sparky for the day, to conduct a time in motion study (seeing how much useful, progressive, work was done). The sparky new he was being followed, so was on his best behaviour, beavering away. At the end of the day the consulatant asked the sparky if that was a normal day. "Yes", he fibbed, "I work that hard every day". Then the consultant gave him his findings. In a 7.5hr day, the sparky had managed four minutes of useful work! The rest of the time was spent bumbling about, wandering from place to place, filling in paperwork, doing re-work, waiting for other people and generally working at a docky's pace.

artemis

07-05-2007, 01:00 PM

How many of us on this board ever bother to look at someone else's profile? Probably not many. If we did we wouldn't make such derisive comments about some posters. After all, even though he claims to be a English citizen, Frosty is a retired mechanical engineer ("4 yrs ago I cudn't even spel ingeneer and now I are one"), lives in Thailand (and calls himself a snowman?), and owns a power catamaran. With the exception as to his claim to citizenship, the rest certainly requires patience and forbearance when reading his posts (some might even say that of the English citizenship portion). :P

Frosty

07-05-2007, 11:54 PM

artemis

07-06-2007, 12:09 AM

Hes bit boys --hes bit --hes going for it.

I see his re organised his his profile. All that crap wasnt there 2 days ago.

Is that all my profile says? Oh dear I should amend that then,---No Im far too modest.

Your barking up the wrong tree. My citzenship is not important too me and would glady swop it in for Thai. I would be able to buy land and run rings round these people.

I would have even more money and collect little steam engines, toot.toot

I didn't know that graduating from a recognized universaity is crap (well, maybe if one is an "ingeneer"). Or having retired from what is, in my part of the USA, a worthy profession.

I'm sorry you think so little of your English citizenship that you would trade it in for that of a country which has a military junta dictatorship, has completely removed any vestiges of democracy, and is currently engaged in programs that human rights organizations condemn. Of course, that is your option, just make sure you note it in your profile. And to forestall your forthcoming comments about the US (having said that you won't make them), for me "My country right or wrong, but my country!"

Have a nice evening Frosty, I'm signing off. :P

Frosty

07-06-2007, 12:29 AM

Perhaps I should have a little more patriotism in me but that was mostly knocked out of me by the inland revenue and the British Government.

The Thai government has quite rightly been removed and the dictatorship type of a tirant Prime minister who thinks the whole country was put here for him alone. It will be replaced democratically shortly.

ALL the laws and day to day life are intact. May was Thailands highest export month ever. Cars to America seems to be succesfull.

Ille bet thats shocked you hasnt it ,--Ile bet you thought America made cars. Well let me tell you a secret America has never made a 'car'

Oh Detroit did make some monstrosities with 500Ci to move it. Every owner could claim participation in assisting in depleating the fossil fuel supply.

What ever you do dont confuse Thailand with the "third world" title.

You would get a shock if you came here. Oh how did I know you had not?

Bergalia

07-06-2007, 07:38 AM

.... I am married to a Yorky... )

Prefer Spaniels myself much more cuddly.....:D

PI Design

07-06-2007, 07:56 AM

Prefer Spaniels myself much more cuddly.....:D

But such high maintenance...;)

Bergalia

07-06-2007, 08:05 AM

But such high maintenance...;)

Only for the pups after a divorce....:(

alan white

07-06-2007, 08:20 AM

Thailand makes cars? Really?
I'd go into that topic with you, Frosty, but I gotta get out to the rice paddy and get to work. The brothel isn't my only source of income, you know!

Bergalia

07-06-2007, 08:26 AM

...The brothel isn't my only source of income, you know!

Yes, your absence was noticed on Thursday...and that nice Mr Clinton especially asked for you.....:mad:

Bergalia

07-06-2007, 11:34 AM

timgoz

07-06-2007, 11:58 AM

Of course this resturant was aboard a ship, right? :rolleyes:

Good one Max.

Tim

safewalrus

07-06-2007, 01:52 PM

Arh! a pattern is emerging PI talks about efficiency experts in Devonport Royal Dockyard (FOUR MINUTES IN ONE DAY! sack that man he's too keen) then bergalia talks about admirals in restaurants (admirals are something to do with royal dockyards are they not?) PI will be telling us he is one next!! PI what you know about "nine dock - D 154?" you designed it - figures!

Poida

07-06-2007, 08:22 PM

The Admiral only got his qualification so he could be in a boat joke.
Poida

Frosty

07-06-2007, 11:35 PM

Thailand makes cars? Really?
I'd go into that topic with you, Frosty, but I gotta get out to the rice paddy and get to work. The brothel isn't my only source of income, you know!

Mitsubishi ,Honda and more are made here in the massive industrial area near here and in Rayong.

You see you really have got the wrong idea. The new Mitsubishi Triton pick up truck is 20,000 us dollar in 2 wheel drive automatic.

Any way I give up ---Yes I live in a village with a goat. The Un are putting a new well in next week and they will vaccinate my elephant for me.

You live in the best place --really-- America, roads and street lights, fast Internet conection, supermarkets. Wow it must be lovely for you.

artemis

07-06-2007, 11:54 PM

Yes, your absence was noticed on Thursday...and that nice Mr Clinton especially asked for you.....:mad:
No, no Bergalia. It's the Bush family that has their summer home in ME (Maine). :D

Frosty

07-07-2007, 12:03 AM

ME Maine.????

Hey is Oregon where they have ****** and they all interbreed with there own family and children.

I heard that you can buy birthday cards that say "Happy birthday uncle daddy".

alan white

07-07-2007, 12:17 AM

The admiral entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table.
The admiral was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"
The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an Efficiency Expert visited our restaurant... He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."
The admiral ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he said, "Forgive the indelicacy, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"
The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same Efficiency Expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."
"Now wait a minute," said the admiral intrigued by this, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"
"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

That's a classic. Congratulations. Did you buy a boat joke book or something?

Hey--- I've got one. A guy is crossing the Mojave desert in a refrigerated truck with a load of arctic penguins in back, and his engine overheats. An admiral happens to come upon him on the roadside and asks if he can lend some assistence. Realizing that the truck is warming up dangerously, the truck driver asks him if he would take the penguins to the San Diego zoo. He offer the admiral one hundred dollars as incentive.
The admiral obliges, loading seventeen penguins into the back seat of his air-conditioned Cadillac.
Later that day, a tow truck has delivered the refrigerated truck to a garage in downtown San Diego. Having little to do but see the sights while the truck is being fixed, the truck driver takes a stroll.
Upon rounding a corner, he is amazed to see the admiral leading a group of penguins up to the ticket counter of a movie theatre. he rushes up and confronts the admiral.
"I thought we had an understanding that you would be taking those penguins to the zoo!", he complained.
The admiral seemed confused. "But I DID take them to the zoo", he responded, "But I had most of the money left afterwards, so I thought, what the heck, I'll take them to see a movie!"

alan white

07-07-2007, 12:22 AM

ME Maine.????

Hey is Oregon where they have ****** and they all interbreed with there own family and children.

I heard that you can buy birthday cards that say "Happy birthday uncle daddy".

Arkansas. That's how Clinton got off his charges of misconduct with the intern, Monica Lewinski. The FBI tested "samples" on the jacket Monica said he was wearing that day.
The detectives couldn't make a positive DNA match to Clinton. He's from Arkansas, where, as everyone knows, everybody's got the same DNA.

Poida

07-07-2007, 03:44 AM

That bloody admiral gets around because he was driving through the centre of Australia, nothing but dessert all around when he broke down.

Luckily he was an admiral and could be featured in a boat joke thread and also felt he had a good sence of direction and started walking in the direction of the next town.

Soon he was lost.

After a day of staggering on he saw an aboriginal. "Water, water," said the Admiral. "Do you have any water?"

"No water," replied the aboriginal, "got some ties, look some greta school ties, one 'ere from Christian Brother's College, 'ere's one from "Scotch College."

"Just want water," croaked the Admiral.

"Nah sorry, can't 'elp yer mate." replied the aboriginal and walked off.

A day later the Admiral was crawling slowly muutering to himself when he came across another aboriginal.

"Water," he whispered. "water."

"Sorry mate, got no water, got some beaut ties, look 'ere, silk tie she's loverly, cotton one 'ere with a tartan pattern, and yeah this one cobber's a nylon drip dry non-iron one."

"Don't want a bloody tie, I want water, water." the Admiral couldn't vent his anger as his voice was nearly gone.

"Water? nah sorry, don't carry the stuff," the aborigainal said as he walked away.

On the third day the Admiral was dragging himself through the hot sand. His clothes were torn and stained and he was near death.

Suddenly he found another aboriginal, but unable to talk he just pointed at his parched mouth.

'What yer want? a drink, bit of water maybe, no luck 'ere mate,but I tell yer wot, 'ow about a tie? Cop this, a bow tie and look, this one 'eres got polka dots and this beauty a maverick tie used be popular in the sixties, bloody rare to pick one up these days."

The Admiral just kept pointing to his mouth in shock as the aboriginal walked off leaving him there to die.

The Admiral was made of what makes Britain, what it is today, so he kept on dragging himself through the burning sand.

Suddenly he saw a building, was it a mirage?

No as he dragged himself closer and closer he realised it was a hotel.

Saved at last.

The Admiral dragged himself up the stone steps, the edges of the steps tearing his flesh away as he went, but he didn't care he was saved.

With what little strength he had, he knocked on the door, knocking and knocking until he could see the doorman approach.

After the door opened he mustered every last bit of strength that he had and rasped, "w...a...t...e...r."

As the doorman slammed the door in his face he said, "Sorry Sir, you can't come in here without a tie."

safewalrus

07-07-2007, 12:33 PM

Sure you didn't get that one of Frosty? it's a Thai joke

Frosty

07-07-2007, 12:42 PM

Ide love to hear a Cornish joke if you could tell one. The punctuation is a bit difficult, Oh and it supposed to be funny.

Na never mind walrus just get the beer.

alan white

07-07-2007, 02:30 PM

Frosty

07-08-2007, 12:21 AM

I cant understand why people die in a death bed?

I mean if you know its a death bed then dont get in it.

This bloke dies and goes to heaven, he says to jesus "oh I dont want to be here I wanna go back to earth,-- there must be a way". Jesus looks at him and rubs his chin and says 'Well no not really-- theres no way back" the guys says 'but you just said not really --ille do anything --- anything.

Jesus says well errr theres one thing. The bloke says"anything just anything"

Ok says jesus heres a bucket and go and bale out Plymouth harbour.

The bloke looks at him ---WHAT --thats impossible. Ok says jesus give me back the bucket.

The bloke say Oh ok ille give it a go. So he goes back and spends a month trying to bale Plymouth Harbour but the tide keeps coming in and --well he gives up.

He says to jesus that was impossible thats not fair --there must be another test. Jesus says nope nothing. Aww come on says the bloke anything --just anything.

Ok theres on more thing. Tell me, tell me says the bloke.

Ok says jesus you gotta go back and try to get a drink out of a Cornish bloke named Walrus. Oh no said the bloke --- let me try again with that bucket.

Frosty

07-08-2007, 06:50 AM

Walrus walks into a shop and says how much is that Tv. The shop assistant looks at the Tv --looks at walrus and says we dont serve Cornish people in here.

Walrus walks out into the street amazed that this guy could tell that. So he goes in the shop again the next day and says to another salesman how much is that Tv. The saleman says we dont serve Cornish people in here.

Walrus goes back out in the street rubbing his huge silly mustache and cant fatham out how they know hes from Cornwall.

The next day he goes back in the shop with wig ,false beard , big rain coat and says how much is that Tv. The bloke says we dont serve Cornish people, Thats it says Walrus throwing his wig on the floor Damit how do you know I am from Cornwall. The assistant says because its not a Tv its a microwave.

Bergalia

07-08-2007, 08:38 AM

Here's one that took my fancy...close to home I guess:

Two ancient seadogs suffering from long term memory loss were sitting on the steps of the old-seamans home when an ice-cream van drove past. "Damn-me" said the first old codger. "I'd love an ice-cream right now." "Would you like me to get you one?" asked the second old feller.
"Are you joking?" the first old salt snapped. "You'd forget my order straight away."
"No I wouldn't," replied the second."
"All right, then," said his mate. "I want a double cone with mint ice-cream and choc chips, freckles and a cherry on top." The second old dog repeated the order flawlessly.
Five minutes later he walked back carrying two meat pies. The first old salt looked at the pies in disgust, "I knew I should've gone myself. You forgot the bloody sauce!"

alan white

07-08-2007, 04:27 PM

Bergalia

07-08-2007, 07:54 PM

Well, did he?

Errrr - did he what, what ? And who.....? And who's this Alien Whit sending messages on my TV screen ?

Nurse....nurse....my incontinent pad feels soggy......:(

timgoz

07-08-2007, 08:17 PM

My English friend Soraya is heading up through Scotland on her way to the hebrides for a music festival. I told her to watch out for Berg's kinfolk.

Tim

Bergalia

07-08-2007, 08:26 PM

Ahhhhh....Soraya casserole.........:p

alan white

07-08-2007, 08:31 PM

Errrr - did he what, what ? And who.....? And who's this Alien Whit sending messages on my TV screen ?

Nurse....nurse....my incontinent pad feels soggy......:(

Nevermind. I found what I was looking for. Right here. Pills. Or my walker. One of the three.

Bergalia

07-08-2007, 08:34 PM

Nevermind. I found what I was looking for. Right here. Pills. Or my walker. One of the three.

For God's sake Alan - don't try swallowing the walker.....(unless it's Johnnie....)

safewalrus

07-09-2007, 11:19 AM

Mind you it would sort out yer piles:confused: :D

safewalrus

07-09-2007, 11:31 AM

Yer don't 'ee go taking the pee young Frosty I know the difference between a Microwave and a TV - a TV is the thing you watch the footy on! and a microwave is.....er ........wot you do if you have a small hand (not whilst watching the footy tho');)

Bergalia

07-09-2007, 07:47 PM

Here's an offensive one for us ancient mariners, Rus:

What's 50 yards long and smells of urine ?

A line-dance in an old folks home......:(

timgoz

07-09-2007, 11:18 PM

I used to preach at an "old peoples home",. Do not worry about the insult though as they have already forgot it. :)

Take care old timer.

Tim

Frosty

07-10-2007, 12:55 AM

Oh no I dont believe it--- but yes I do -it stands to reason I suppose I should have realised it in the first place. How could I have missed that one ,--of course it follows suit. Warus is a football fan.

How a grown man,--------??? can watch other grown men run around a field with a ball and get so so exited if one of them kicks it some where.

I will go to my death not understanding this moronic game.

If I was GIVEN a ticket to the world cup finall I would give it away, Or if I had to go I would need 2000 pounds ,be taken there in a helecopter and have a seat in the Royal box. I would need a TV so I didnt have to watch it and free beer and hamburgers. Wake me up when it was over and fly me home.

Even then I would hate every minute of it. Actually im not sure about the 2000 pounds it would have to be more like 3000, No maybe 4.

Bergalia

07-10-2007, 06:54 AM

I used to preach at an "old peoples home",. Do not worry about the insult though as they have already forgot it. :) Tim

So. What's 50 yards long and smells of urine...:(

Oh, hi Jeff. Nice of you to come and visit....Gosh and a new canvas jacket...and I put my arms through here like this...Are those latex, or leather straps, you're attaching to my arms and feet...

safewalrus

07-10-2007, 07:28 AM

Caeful Max you could end up in the room next to the Snowman!

Frosty who said anything about liking the football -I only watch it for the man in black! Nothing more exciting than watching somebody get a RED CARD! (except maybe the whole damn team!)

Bergalia

07-10-2007, 07:41 AM

Caeful Max you could end up in the room next to the Snowman!...Frosty who said anything about liking the football...

Frosty's knowledge of football (soccer) seems as extensive as that of the USA squad which recently signed Beckham......:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

Frosty

07-10-2007, 10:15 AM

Who or where or what is a Beckham?

Never mind I dont care,----oh go on then what is it?---Na I dont care- really.

Bergalia

07-10-2007, 10:21 AM

Who or where or what is a Beckham?

A grossly over-rated has-been soccer player - whose greatest 'spin' was applied, not to the ball, but to his own reputation. He also married another highly promoted and manufactured animal called a Spice Girl.

PI Design

07-10-2007, 10:27 AM

And now he earns $1million a week! Wonder if he wants to buy a boat?

Frosty

07-10-2007, 11:10 AM

Oh **** --dont start talking about football.

How much ?????? your joking ???????

I cant beleive that Im sorry. And if it is true that will make me very angry.

safewalrus

07-10-2007, 01:24 PM

Jealous Frosty - think of the tax he pays on that (actually not a lot he don't live here - this week, bit like you mate, don't live here I mean not the money - you has to spell it out for the Snothingy)

alan white

07-10-2007, 02:47 PM

Geez, Berg. You were at 92 too. Geez.

charmc

07-10-2007, 09:55 PM

Who or where or what is a Beckham?

A Pele 35 years later.

Frosty

07-10-2007, 10:32 PM

Yes Berg your over 100, whats it feel like? have you got a telegram from the Queen?

Your as famous as Beckham now ---well nearly. I hope you dont get snotty and remember your mates.

Do you know what it was you said to get that last bit. I have had a look myself and I cant see anything. Maybe it was Beckham.

Is it sir Berg now? or ice Berg?

alan white

07-10-2007, 11:42 PM

The Hamburgler, I think.
No, really, Frosty. Everyone knows the forum is completely staged. It's like TV wrestling. He'll be on top for a while until people get bored with him, then they'll throw him away like yesterday's newspaper.
It all creates a kind of drama. All carefully managed, I can assure you. Ever hear of "Half Ton Ollie"? They ran him up to 1000 points within a two week period. When they "dropped" him, he dropped fast alright. Hit 236 within three days, ended up begging for scraps on some blow-up raft forum out of Cuba.
Some say he's still there, might as well be a doormat.
Watch and learn.

Frosty

07-11-2007, 05:31 AM

Oh I get it now ,--your all in a little club giving each other points, Oh I see.

I would never want to be in such a club I will earn my points in the way they were intended --honestly. How do you join then?

alan white

07-11-2007, 07:09 AM

You have to pay an initial tribute of 15 points to Berg, he says. Lots of guys have been joining. It's fun, and you meet people.

Bergalia

07-11-2007, 07:18 AM

...It's fun, and you meet people.

And more importantly...His goat.......:p

alan white

07-11-2007, 07:37 AM

oh. Hi Bergalia. Everything okay, sir? I got the "goat food" you sent me. Did you get the "goat food" I mailed to you last week? Frosty is thinking of getting a "goat". What do you think, sir?

Bergalia

07-11-2007, 07:50 AM

.. Did you get the "goat food" I mailed to you last week?

Goat food ???? Blast Alan, I smoked it.....:(

timgoz

07-11-2007, 08:57 AM

I saw approx. 50 "boat jokes" the other day at the river in the form of people floating by in rental canoes. Notice I did not say "paddling" by as not one of them seemed to know what they were doing.

At least they were having fun! :)

Holy smokes Max, your points are going through the roof. Finally got your
100+ grandchildren to join the forum huh? :D

Tim

Bergalia

07-11-2007, 09:12 AM

...Holy smokes Max, your points are going through the roof. Tim

Scarey Tim. Not sure what's going on...But I think Alan's right, it's a plot. I notice George Bush has voted for me six times...although maybe he thought he was pressing the M.A.D. button.... :(

safewalrus

07-11-2007, 01:16 PM

I hate to say this Charlie but PELE could PLAY football! Beckham on the other hand just helps others to kick the ball around - not brilliant at PLAYING but hell he can inspire the rest of the team to get off their backsides! And for that he's priceless -but play?

charmc

07-11-2007, 05:46 PM

I don't know enough about professional soccer/football to rate Beckham's skills. My point was that the team and league are paying through the nose for a big name player on the downside of his on the field career, in hopes that he'll play well for a while and generate major revenue from ticket and merchandise sales and TV rights.

Hey, the Yankees signed 44 year old Roger Clemens this year, and back in 1965, the Kansas City A's brought Satchel Paige out of retirement to pitch just before his 60th birthday. :)

Frosty

07-11-2007, 11:58 PM

Oh walrus please its for ****** . As you can see no one wants to talk about football.

I have personally experienced people who need a week off work to get over thier team loosing a game. I have read about people calling thier children Manchester united, people who spend what ever neccesary to buy this years shirt on the day it was issued no matter how much it cost or that they could afford it, ( thier son will wear the new colours) even though they may be in serious finacial debt.

Some fans dont care about football at all just the violence, throwng coins into a crowd and beating other fans senceless because some ones scored a goal ,Police on horse back with crowd control.

Can you imagine the damage these fans do to peoples cars in a car park.

Oh please---****** ****** ****** ban the stupid game.

And then they pay players 1 million a week. STUPID

charmc

07-12-2007, 12:18 AM

Have to agree with you there, Frosty. The Western "civilized" nations pay starting wages less than that of a bus driver to those entrusted with the education of our young, and millions to immature louts because they play games well ... seems I read about something like that in Gibbons' "Rise and Fall of the Roman Empire".

Frosty

07-12-2007, 12:26 AM

I have a bit of a problem with this actually --I dispise football and all that it is so much that I will not be near a TV with it on. If its on at the yacht club I will not go in. I look down on people that watch it. I consider these people to be barely human.

I have seen growm men freeze and stare at the Tv because a flash of football came on the TV . They become totally detached from the converstaion, mouths open they loose all track of every thing.

Like a Retarded ***** that they are.

Frosty

07-12-2007, 12:28 AM

Its Ok,-- Im alright now,--Ille just have a lie down and a cup of tea,-- Ille be ok in a minute.

Bergalia

07-12-2007, 02:45 AM

... seems I read about something like that in Gibbons' "Rise and Fall of the Roman Empire".

Right on Charlie - that'll be Wee Jock Gibbons who wore the Number 4 jersey for Glasgow Celtic when they beat Romulus United in the European FA Cup 1965..... :)

PS - Alan White says he doesn't want Frosty as a friend.....

safewalrus

07-12-2007, 06:13 AM

Frosty - if nobody wants to talk about football why do you keep going on about it? for somebody who doesn't like it you know a lot about it - so give us all alff tell us the team you support -no doubt some hick team like Manchester United (after all you don't come from there so must support them! your stupid enough! 6-5-7 Rules OK)

Charlie - its all about making money from the suckers mate! so if it works, why not!!

Poida

07-12-2007, 07:48 AM

I hope you guys realise that this is Brian's Boat Joke thread and you are driveling.

alan white

07-12-2007, 07:58 AM

PS - Alan White says he doesn't want Frosty as a friend.....

I said, "I like to put down a frosty one now and again". Frosty is a mug. It has to do with drinking. I can't stand mugs like Frosty who drink all the time, so I put them down. It has nothing to do with friendship. I demand a retraction.

charmc

07-12-2007, 09:33 AM

Back on topic ...

A recreational boater, an American Special Forces sergeant, and a Royal Navy sailor went into a waterfront bar and each ordered a beer. Each found a fly in his beer. (It must have been the special of the day).

The recreational boater looked in his beer and said, "Hey bartender! I have a fly in my beer. Get me another."

The Special Forces sergeant looked in his beer, saw the fly, reached in and picked it out and continued drinking.

The Royal Navy sailor looked in his beer, saw the fly, grabbed it by the wings and began shaking it vigorously over the mug, screaming, "Spit it out, damn you! Spit it all out!"

charmc

07-12-2007, 10:06 AM

Walrus went on a solo sailing voyage in the South Pacific. Unfortunately, he purchased his boat from Tony Bullimore, and the lack of knowledgeable maintenance soon became apparent. One afternoon a squall came up and the boat sank. Walrus, being Walrus, was able to swim to a nearby deserted island. There he stayed for a year, eating only some fish now and then, and seeing no one.

One day there was a horrific storm. The next morning, as Walrus went for his daily waddle, he saw an object on the horizon. As the day went on, it drifted closer. Finally, he saw that it was a woman clinging to a barrel. As they drifted closer, the woman let go of the barrel and swam to shore. As she emerged from the water, nearly naked, wearing only the tattered remnants of a cocktail dress, she saw Walrus. Walking towards him, she said in a sultry voice, "Hi, sailor, looks like it's just you and me here. If you let me share your little island, I'll let you have something I knooooow you want."

Walrus ran and dove into the surf, screaming, "Yippee! I can't believe there's beer in that barrel!" :D :D

Bergalia

07-12-2007, 10:10 AM

... It has nothing to do with friendship. I demand a retraction.

I believe before one can have a retraction - one must first have an erection...:p

timgoz

07-12-2007, 10:17 AM

Another good one. :)

Frosty

07-12-2007, 10:28 AM

I said, "I like to put down a frosty one now and again". Frosty is a mug. It has to do with drinking. I can't stand mugs like Frosty who drink all the time, so I put them down. It has nothing to do with friendship. I demand a retraction.

Alen --hic --waht the fuuur i dooont--hic drikn all fday just most.

I love a frosty one now and again and again and again, Ha,-- Im not such a big drinker actually. But hey what the f go for it>

I do agree that people who drink and cant afford it or by thier drinking alter thier lives to adapt to thier drinking are mugs.

Alan I do love a frosty,--- and I can afford it.

I think I might have mis led you a bit there,- but never mind.

Bergalia

07-12-2007, 11:08 AM

A defense contractor finally succeeded in building a computer capable of solving the most complex naval warfare problems. At the height of the ‘Falklands Incident’ the top Navy brass assembled around the new machine and were instructed to feed the most difficult tactical problem into it.* They described a complex but potential battle situation to the computer and then tapped in: "Should our forces attack or retreat?"

The computer hummed and beeped for about half an hour, and finally printed out an answer, "Yes."

The admirals stared at each other, mystified by the response.

Finally, one of them keyed in a second request to the computer, "Yes what?"

The computer responded instantly, "Yes, Sir!"

Frosty

07-12-2007, 10:06 PM

Aaw come on you made that up.

VKRUE

07-12-2007, 10:24 PM

"Spit it out, damn you! Spit it all out!"

Way to go Charlie... good one :D

Liked the "Hi sailor" too.

alan white

07-12-2007, 11:12 PM

Thinking he might enjoy the pleasant crackle of fresh eggs sunny-side up on each morning of his voyage, Bergie purchased 7 laying hens and one stud rooster and gave them a home in the lazarette.
On inspecting the hens in anticipation of his breakfast two days out to sea, he was chagrined to discover that the rooster had been all too active with the hens. The seven had been husbandried to death.
Sadly, Bergie put into port. There he purchased 25 hens and then continued on his voyage. The following day, he again inspected the hens. His heart was rent as he discovered that every one of the 25 had been molested to a degree that some had even died with smiles on their beaks. Meanwhile, the rooster stood and crowed brashly, as if to say, "Bring 'em on, Cap! Bing 'em oooooon!!"
It was too much. Amidst sniffles and tears, Bergie carried out a proper burial at sea, sending each beloved hen over the side enshrouded in linen.
Then, angered by the bragadocious rooster, he swore his vengence upon the evil bird. At the next layover, he bought 500 hens from a poultry brothel and stuffed them all into the cockpit of his boat.
That night, he smiled as he drifted off to sleep, visions of blue-balled rooster dacing in his head.
Upon awakening, he clamnored on deck to see a most gruesome sight. All 500 lay askew, their bodies contorted, their privates nearly torn out, testimony to the terrible agonies and ecstasies of the previous night. First he buried the dead. Then, taken by an all-consuming rage , he chased the rooster up and down the vessel for hours. It seemed the rooster was tiring after all, and after a while, the bird stubled and lay quite still on the after deck. Himself spent, Bergie fell quite asleep in the sun, and dreamed of chicken soup.
When he awoke, he immediately made his way back to the aft deck and there as before lay the rooster.
Overhead, vultures circled the prone body, nearing as they spiralled ever closer.
Bergie was jubilant. "There!" he cried in exultation, "Fixed your ass I did!"
But then a small movement attracted Bergie's attention.
The rooster had opened one eye.
"Shhhhhhhhhh!!" hushed the rooster, pointing up.

Bergalia

07-13-2007, 08:40 PM

An Englishman goes to the doctors and says "Doc I REALLY, REALLY want to be Irish." (And being English that's wuite understandable...) "What can you do to help me?"
The doctor replies, "Nothing. Its quite impossible!"
The man insists "Come on doctor. There must be something you can do!"
The doctor replies, "Its impossible!"
He still insists "Please! I implore you!"
Eventually the doctor repents, "Well OK. There is one thing I can try but it is VERY expensive and VERY risky! It involves removing half your brain"
The Englishman has the operation and on coming round, he sees the doctor at his beside. The doctor says, "I'm sorry, the operation went wrong, and by mistake we removed ALL of your brain!".
And the patient replies, "No worries mate!" :D

(I'm now packing my bags to move on.....)

Poida

07-14-2007, 04:11 AM

Three ships Doctors were discussing their experiences around the world. Well said the first Doctor I think operating on the Germans is by far the easiest, every organ is in its proper place and completely organised.

Well maybe said the second Doctor, but I would say from my experiences that the Japanese are not only organised but every part of them is miniturised and it's a simple matter of removing one circuit board of organs and fitting another.

No wait on guys said the third Doctor, the English are the easiest to work on, they've only got two working parts their ******** and their mouth and both parts are interchangable.

Bergalia

07-14-2007, 04:18 AM

I thought this thread was for jokes - not statements of fact....:D

alan white

07-14-2007, 06:58 AM

I thought this thread was for jokes - not statements of fact....:D

Peeeeee-Yooooo!! My God, Berg! Show some restraint!

Frosty

07-15-2007, 02:00 AM

This rooster,-- cock of the chicken pen got another young rooster cock in his face one day . The young cock says 'hey ole timer your done get out, Im in charge now'. The old cock says 'well theres plenty of hens for the both of us' --"NOPE says the yougster thats not the way it works now get out"

Hang on a minute says the ole cock Ille race yer for it. The young cocks laughs in his face and says Hey you cant race me ole timer your finished " the old cock says" allright --so you'lle win but give me a chance'.

The youngster feels sory for the ole cock and says " ok Ille even give you a head start. The ole cock starts running his ole legs are stiff but he manages to get round the barn in front of the farmers house where he is sitting outside on the porch. The ole cock is flat out when the youngster comes round the corner just behind the Old cock---BLAM the farmer shoots the youngster to peices. 'Damn it' says the farmer 'thats the third gay cock ive had to shoot this month'.

Frosty

07-15-2007, 02:06 AM

Poida --good joke about the doctors there --I like that one -but I thought I just might do some nationality swopping.

Poida

07-15-2007, 07:48 AM

Any Irish people in the house tonight?

Paddy an old salt and an aquaintance of the Admiral who has been featured in the boat jokes was sitting on a bar stool down at his local pub.

"Time Gentlemen Time!" calls the bar manager as he walks into the bar. "Drink up were closing in 5 minutes"

"Better down the last of me Guinness," thinks Paddy, "and head off home."

Paddy slid from the bar stool to the floor, then, fromp! He landed face down onto the floor.

"Holy Motter of Jesus," mumbles Paddy, "oi musta drank a bit too much, I'll get meself to ta door, a bitta fresh air will fix me up."

With that Paddy drags himself along the floor to the door, grabs the door frame, swings open the door, puts his head out and takes a big wiff of air. After refreshing himself he steps onto the footpath and WHAM!

Face down on the footpath.

"Holy Jeezus," thinks Paddy, as he drags himself across the footpath and pulls himself up a lightpole.

Taking a few more deep breaths he is sure he is now sober enough to make it the rest of the way home OK.

He lets go of the lightpole steps out onto the road and BANG! Flat on his face in the gutter.

Paddy finally drags himself all the way home, up his front path, pulls himself up the doorway of his front door opens the door and thinks.

"I'd better sleep in the spare bed tonight so me missus wont know I'm this drunk, now along the hall up the stairs straight into the room, I can do it."

Paddy lets go of the doorway, and CRASH! straight on his face in the hallway.

Paddy drags himself up the stairs into the spare bedroom and into bed.

Next morning in comes his wife, walks across the room throws back the curtains flooding the room with sunlight.

"Good mornin' Paddy", she says, "had a bit to drink last night did we?"

"Aw, what makes you think that?" Paddy asks trying to act innocent.

"The manager of the hotel just rang, you've left your wheelchair behind again."

Poida

safewalrus

07-15-2007, 04:34 PM

Who said we're not Politically Correct on this forum - that everybody we've taken the pee out of except Sea mammals amd I just know that Max and the Snowman just can't wait!!

"the Tme has come the Walrus said
to talk of many things
of cabbages and sealing wax and

extracting the pee from 'uman things

So do yer best boys I'm looking forward to it........... a retread skirt wearing zulu crashin salty sailor and an injuneer - Nay chance 'immy

Bergalia

07-15-2007, 09:00 PM

...we've taken the pee out of except Sea mammals amd I just know that Max and the Snowman just can't wait!!

Petite moi...extract avue la piss ? Non, most certainly non Rus. (Bugger it must be those snail's legs I ate last night...)

Never taken the piss out of a walrus.But my young brother has a piece of walrus tusk scrimshaw...And I count walruses as my friend...even though I wouldn't let my daughters marry one....:)

But remaining politically correct - I'm probably being 'blonde-ily incorrect by asking : Why do blondes drive VW's ? - Because they can't spell Porsche.

VKRUE

07-15-2007, 09:14 PM

Really good Poida :D :D :D
So, we forgot our wheel chair again did we ???

Too good :D

Frosty

07-15-2007, 09:14 PM

Does any body understand the last post from walrus,?--- It would appear that hes not intelligent enough to tell a joke, so feeling a little left out he has put himself up to be made a joke of.

Walrus I have been doing that for years, Although I always thought that you were'nt aware of it, now I know.

charmc

07-16-2007, 12:13 AM

A cattle rancher in Wyoming wanted to cross breed his cattle with another strain, so he bought two bulls from Spain, a young bull just ready to begin breeding, and an old bull with an excellent record of siring strong stock. The old bull and the young bull were shipped by freighter (Note to Jeff: a freighter is a very big boat) from Spain to San Francisco, then by train to the ranch in Wyoming. As they were unloaded from the rail car, the two bulls spotted a large herd of cattle at the top of a nearby hill. "Hey", said the young bull, "Let's run up that hill and mate with some of those cows!"

"I've got a better idea," said the old bull. "Let's walk up, then mate with all of them."

Frosty

07-16-2007, 03:35 AM

Noah was taking all the animals 2x2 into the Ark. His wife Joan ( Joan of Ark) wasnt too keen on some of them, she felt that they didnt do much for the planet like mosquitos and the like. Any way it came to pass (bible talk) that nealy all the animals were on board, they were just waiting for the cold climate ones like penguins and polar bears, things like that when this big walrus come up the gang plank. His wife Joan wasnt too keen on this ugly looking creature and said so what do you want, the walrus said "ooo rr me lovelies I do just be looking for a ways and means to rest for a while. I cant really do any thing because im too fat and ugly and dont have much to put into the jean pool for aquatic mamals also , and really dont have much to offer but would like a free ride". Well Joan looks at him disgusted and says,---ha ha youi big fat ugly animal we dont want you on our boat go away. The walrus goes away but comes back an hour later and says,-- Oh **** ive forgot the punch line.

timgoz

07-16-2007, 10:49 AM

Hey Charlie,

That joke is as old as the hills those cows were on. :D

Frosty,

Don't be a "joke tease". :mad:

Tim

safewalrus

07-16-2007, 01:59 PM

"I just stepped in some snowpoo"
'that wasn't snowpoo, it's hot in here and our snowman has melted'
"Oh well there was a sharp smell to it and I thought it smelt like Frosty!"

Frosty - We know you've been setting yourself up as a joke for years so why tell us? ha bloody ha bloody ha! there happy now??

Frosty

07-16-2007, 09:52 PM

Ha--- I win, walrus has lost it.

Bergalia

07-16-2007, 09:54 PM

...Frosty - We know you've been setting yourself up as a joke for years so why tell us?

It's been there under your nose all the time Rus. Thailand...think about it...No, Phuket why should I explain....:D

Frosty

07-16-2007, 10:06 PM

Wow!!--- we are all very imotional today, anger,--jealousy.

I would just like to say thank you to the Melbourne judge that released a Glasgow bomb suspect out on 3000 pounds bail.

Im sure he was inocent too. He had fleed to Melbourne from Uk and was cought trying to get on a flight to India. Perfectly normal?

Im sure all the hard work by the British police and interpol was worth it.

Pssst--- all international criminals and bombers --go to Melbourne.

Bergalia

07-16-2007, 10:17 PM

Hard to respond Frosty, without entering into the forbidden area of politics. But here in Australia we are experiencing the last fascist writhings of a spent and morally corrupt government. At the eve of each Federal election this bunch of incompetents tend to whip up a 'fear' campaign in the hope of gulling the voters into returning them to the trough. Last time it was 'babies' overboard; the Tampa incident etc...Latter day 'Reds under the Beds'. Now we're being told every doctor of dusky hue is a potential bomber....
But I won't mention that, it would as I say, be verging on politics.
You may have heard that another doctor(with an excellent working and character record) is now languishing in a concentration camp (oopps I meant detention centre). His 'crime' was giving his cousin his 'UK phone card' (not valid in Australia) some 14 months ago - but according to the government should have guessed it would eventually end up in the blazing car in Glasgow. The magistrate decided the 'evidence' drummed up by the police was so thin that the man must be bailed. Instantly the goverment revoked his visa...which means he will be deported whether guilty or no.

I'm waiting for Will to defend the indefensible.....

timgoz

07-16-2007, 10:42 PM

Can't go where I wanted to. Thanks Berg for restraining my political ravings.

Tim

Guillermo

07-16-2007, 11:55 PM

This drunken sailor came back home very early in the morning with an also drunken friend, after some strategic stop at the bar after disembarking. He stubbornly insisted in showing his home to his friend, so he went room by room saying in his furry speaking: "Well, this is my son's room and that one sleeping there is my very own son Johnny" ...."This is my daughter's room and there is she, sleeping. Isn't she a darling?"...."This is my bedroom. That's my wife and that's me...." :D

safewalrus

07-17-2007, 03:51 AM

Ah but Frosty - I have something to lose! so nice of you to mention it! Now what was it you never had that I have lost? and could I refind it?

and more to the point if you go on about it would I want to? probably not!

Frosty

07-17-2007, 09:56 AM

Thats good drivel walrus --well done ,--pity it wasnt better placed.

Frosty

07-17-2007, 10:05 AM

This old sea captain of 88 years falls in love with a young girl of 18. Before the wedding the family doctor who has known the ole Captain all his life warns the ole sea Captain that this marrage could be very dangerous and could even be fatal.

The ole Captain rubed his chin considering all aspects of the doctors advice as a good Captain would. He looked up at the doctor and said "If she dies she dies"

Bergalia

07-20-2007, 07:08 AM

I know it's not a boat joke - and I know it's going to upset some of our American cousins (sorry Tim) - but couldn't resist it.

Redneck Driver's Application
Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.

Last name: ________________

First name:
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Lover's Name: __________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
If you obtained a higher education what was your
major?
[_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you
are still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse
____ shed ____ pawnshop

Model and year of your pickup: _________ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Bassmasters

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man [_] Skoal

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know

timgoz

07-20-2007, 08:54 AM

Hey Max,

You done described the people over in the next county to a "T". Good thing we's aint like that over cher.

It is actually funny because of the many elements of truth. I know I'm sure not going to fill it out.

Tim

PS: Family reunion next week. Hoping to score some.

Bergalia

07-20-2007, 09:00 AM

Good luck Tim. Cousin Mary-Lou must be all of eight years old now....:)

But must admit I'm not the original author. My youngest girl (16) spotted it some weeks back and down-loaded it to my desk-top. Said "You may not be a red-neck, dad...but it could easily apply to the islander Scots..." :(

timgoz

07-20-2007, 09:05 AM

Hey, Mary-Lou might be 8, but she "looks" 6. Don't accuse me of going after some spinster. :mad: :mad: :mad:

I used three faces cause Frosty says they irritate him or some such thing.

Tim

Bergalia

07-20-2007, 09:13 AM

Hey, Mary-Lou might be 8, but she "looks" 6. Don't accuse me of going after some spinster... Tim

She's no spinster Tim...She was married to Cousin Billy-Bobcat before he went off to Washington and got high and mighty ideas - and a pair of shoes....

safewalrus

07-20-2007, 04:25 PM

Who dat pinchered the Cornish questionaire and tarted it up to look foreign me hansom? Yer bet that be somethin to do with that there cold thing with the spindly arms! wots hiz name 'Adamant!'

alan white

07-20-2007, 06:14 PM

Speaking of strange families, I've got a Bible question.
Cain and Abel, from whom we're all decended, were Adam and Eve's sons. Eve was the only woman. The question is, what did she do all day alone when the men went hunting and so forth? Most women have friends to chat with. It must have been very lonely for her.

Thanks,

Alan

Bergalia

07-20-2007, 07:33 PM

... Eve was the only woman. The question is, what did she do all day alone when the men went hunting and so forth?

Interesting point Alan. I can only assume her days were taken up with boiling kettles in preparation for all that 'begatting' which came later....

But surely this is Artemis' department....:)

Frosty

07-20-2007, 08:15 PM

This guy shocked and dazed staggers into a hospital. The doctors come rushing out to see to him "what happened" they say.

He said" well I was playing golf with the wife and on one particular difficult hole we both lost the balls and they went into a field of cows. We went to look for them and as we were wandering round looking I noticed a white thing under a cows tail. I walked up to it and lifted its tail and sure enough it was the wifes ball with her emblem on it stuck in the cows vagina. I shouted "hey this looks like yours". --I dont remember much after that>

longliner45

07-20-2007, 08:31 PM

your a sick man frosty ,,,but I like it...good one ,longliner

artemis

07-20-2007, 08:53 PM

Interesting point Alan. I can only assume her days were taken up with boiling kettles in preparation for all that 'begatting' which came later....

But surely this is Artemis' department....:)

Not quite sure why this is my department. I've become too mature to participate in "begatting" anymore. I leave that sort of thing to "snowy". If he gets too active maybe he'll melt. :P

If the comment is meant to reflect on "snowy" 's pushing the concept that I believe in "God", I gotta tell ya, I was born of a Catholic mother, in a Catholic hospital, and raised (until I left for college) as a Catholic. Believe in "God"... Absolutely NOT! :p

Frosty

07-20-2007, 09:07 PM

Im sorry Artemis I thought your were a,--- Oh well I got that wrong then It must have been someone else.

Your alright then,-- keep on chugging> ( private joke only me and Artemis understand it)

artemis

07-20-2007, 10:39 PM

Thanks Frosty. Full steam ahead! Nice thing about steam, the fire in the boiler will burn just about anything; yak dung, no problem; elephant droppings, one would run a small steamboat for a couple of hours at least! Great source of power for any nation, third world or not! :)

Frosty

07-21-2007, 12:55 AM

Full steam ahead! Nice thing about steam, the fire in the boiler will burn just about anything; yak dung, no problem; elephant droppings, one would run a small steamboat for a couple of hours at least! Great source of power for any nation, third world or not! :)

Ha ha well if you say so Artemis, is that what you use in --err where is it ---Origon? where is that, Oh US of A. I didnt know you had Yaks in America let alone Elephants. Great source of power eh? Well we use ELECTRICITY here, Eermm its a bit complicated if youve never seen it before but its really better than Yak dung.

Yeah and,-- eerrr we dont have steam any more. You should get out more you know.

safewalrus

07-21-2007, 05:15 PM

thught you only used dung from the male bull elephant in Thailand Frosty?

Well you speak enough of it to get by!

artemis

07-21-2007, 06:48 PM

...Well we use ELECTRICITY here, Eermm its a bit complicated if youve never seen it before but its really better than Yak dung.

Yeah and,-- eerrr we dont have steam any more. You should get out more you know.

Well, I was all set to let bygones be bygones, but you can't do that can you "snowball".

Didn't know you had electricty what with the UN having to install a people powered well pump for your water. :P

How do you generate electricty without steam. You don't have any hydropower plants. Oh, of course, you use "hot air" engines. Bet you're a designated government treasure with the amount you generate. :P

Frosty

07-21-2007, 10:12 PM

thught you only used dung from the male bull elephant in Thailand Frosty?!

You really are an expert on ****, are'nt you Walrus. Evertime some one casually mentions feaces or something you come in with techinical details.

What are you a turdologist?

Frosty

07-21-2007, 10:24 PM

Artemis ,,Ohhh I was only joking about the well --Ohh sorry mate I didnt think you would believe me.

No the triple decker high way has just been finished to the oil refinary and the massive industrial estate where they make Mitsubishi trucks and car spare parts for America. I believe Hondas are made there too Oh and Volvo.

The new shopping mall? Jeees thats the 5th shopping mall now in my town alone. Wow when will the economy explosion end, 3rd world Ha ha what a joke.

Funny really,, well its not funny but when I go back to mid cities in England all I see is boarded up shops,--failed in buisness I suppose.

Here it is the opposite, I have never seen a boarded up shop ,--you must be joking. A shop will open and I guarantee that in 5 years they will have rebuilt or moved to larger premises -- every time.

Do you have a shop in Origon,-- a petrol station maybe?

Come on !! I know you got a whore house.

artemis

07-22-2007, 02:49 PM

A retiring pChem (Physical Chemistry) professor was composing his last exam for a graduate course in statistical thermodynamics. Being a bit bored, and with a well kept and wry sense of humor, he set a single question on the sheet:

"Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Support your answer with a proof."

He had little idea what to expect, or how to grade the results, but decided to reward any student who was able to come up with a reasonable and consistent reply to this query.

One "A" was awarded.

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. The top student, however, wrote the following:

"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing with time. We postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into Hell and at what rate are souls leaving?

"I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it cannot leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

"As for souls entering Hell, an examination of the different religions that exist in the world today provides the answer. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion on average, we can predict that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

"Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in Hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.

"Thus, there are two possibilities:

1.) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, than the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase exponentially until all Hell breaks loose.

-OR-

2.) If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

"If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year: '...that it will be a "Frosty" day in Hell before I sleep with you!' and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true; and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."

:P :) :D

safewalrus

07-22-2007, 04:07 PM

Cool customer? or not?

Frosty

07-23-2007, 03:07 AM

Chemistry Mid-term exam, University of Washington:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof.

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates what they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2) Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my freshman year that "It will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then 2) cannot be true, and thus, I am sure that Hell is exothermic.

This student got the only A.

Artemis,-- your not cheating are you?

Bergalia

08-04-2007, 09:56 AM

Old salt visits his doctor. "I'm not feeling too good doc...I wake up and have this weird sense that I'm not quite myself anymore. I get the sense that I'm a short stocky Welsh singer, and keep having flash-backs to my days in the Valleys...."

"Ah. That's the Tom Jones Syndrome...."

"Is it rare ?"

"Well, it's not unusual...."

Poida

08-04-2007, 07:55 PM

Timgoz avatar reminds me of the question:

What part of Popie doesn't rust?

A: The bit he sticks in Olive Oil.

It's an old one.

Poida

brian eiland

08-07-2007, 09:12 AM

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED

Men Are Just Happier People! — What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Farting is a game not a social taboo. Sex is sport and fun not a life altering engagement. Even your "stylish" shoes have flat heels. Skillets can be used to clean carburator parts.

Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. A wedding dress is $5,000 but a Tux rents for $100. Grease under your fingernails is free and you don't have to wait while it dries.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.&n bsp; You never get mascara in your eye. You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decad es! Olde Spice costs $5.00 instead of $195. You never have sagging panty hose. Good beer is cheaper hand easier to find than a nice Merloet.

You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can knock-out Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

(they do have a little problem with boats every once in awhile;)

Small Wally

08-08-2007, 07:27 AM

An ice-cream man, (who owned a boat), was recently found dead in his van, surrounded by ice-cream and covered in hundreds and thousands.

Police believe he topped himself.

SW

Poida

08-08-2007, 09:03 AM

What do you do if you come across an elephant in the jungle?
Wipe it off and apologise.

Frosty

08-08-2007, 09:32 AM

My wife got so angry with me she threw a cake at me. She then threw custard all over me. Then still angry she threw jelly at me.

At this point I got angry with her and said "dont you trifle with me"

It seemed inevitable we were on the rocks, I tried reconciliation, I bought a water bed. It was then that we started to drift apart.

Poida

08-09-2007, 03:32 AM

200 wigs were stolen today from a hairdresser. The police are now combing the area.

50 kilograms of carrots and a pair of spectacles were also stolen from nearby shop. The police are looking for a large rabbit with bad eyesight.

Two robbers held up a bank early this week, one robber was described as 7' 3" tall and the other 4' 10". The police have been looking high and low for them.

All 7 toilet pans were stolen from a city police station last week. The police say they have no idea who is responsible as they have nothing to go on.

A jeweller rang the police and said he had been the victim of an armed hold up.
The police arived within a short time and asked the jeweller for a description.
It was an elephant, the jeweller told the police.
The police officer told him off for wasting his time and repeated his request for a description.
It was an elephant! the jewller repeated.
OK said the police officer, deciding to play along. What sort of elephant was it, an Indian elephant or an African elephant.
I don't know said the jeweller, he had a stocking over his head.

A prostitute went to the police and claimed she had been raped.
When was this asked the officer.
Last week replied the prostitute.
Why has it taken so long to report it asked the officer.
Well , she said, I didn't know I had been raped until the cheque bounced.

Poida

timgoz

08-09-2007, 09:03 AM

Liked the last joke Poida. :)

Tim

Bergalia

08-10-2007, 08:54 AM

Dishevelled woman dashes into police station and yells at the desk sergeant - "I've been graped.....I've been graped...."
"No lady, you mean raped...."
"No. I was graped - there was a bunch of them..."

Poida

08-10-2007, 09:11 AM

A prostitute was drugged.
She woke up in the morning looked down at her body and she discovered she was fully clothed.

Suddenly in a panic she screamed out, "HELP I'VE BEEN DRAPED!"

Poida

timgoz

08-10-2007, 09:39 AM

Better work on that one Poida.

Frosty

08-10-2007, 09:54 PM

The Salvation Army used to issue a weekly newsletter in my area back in UK.

On the back page was jokes --all of them were better than those offered here by Berg and Poida.

timgoz

08-10-2007, 10:08 PM

Thats rough Frost Man, Rough!

Poida

08-11-2007, 09:28 AM

Hey Timgoz did yer hear about the little boy who wanted a watch for his birthday.
So his Mum and Dad let him.

Did you hear about the girl who fell asleep outside the synagogue on a cold night and woke up with a heavy dew on her.

Man went to the psychiatrist and said Doctor I think I'm a pack of cards, Doctor said wait in the waiting room and I'll deal with you later.

Man went to the psychiatrist and said Doctor sometimes I think I'm a wigwam and sometimes I think I'm a teepee. The Doctor said it's obvious your too tense.

Man went to the psychiatrist and said Doctor I seem to be suffering from a short memory. Doctor said, how long have you had this problem?
And the man said, What problem?

I should go to bed.

Poida

Poida

08-11-2007, 09:31 AM

One for the Ozz guys

Apparently John Howard's wife is leaving him because he has no way of keeping his erection promises.

Bergalia

08-11-2007, 07:13 PM

The way I heard it Poida is that he's just a little prick, and spends all his time shafting the country...

timgoz

08-11-2007, 09:35 PM

The condoms made for Japan are approx. 30% smaller than for the rest of the world. Might not be a 'joke", but it's funny.

Tim

longliner45

08-11-2007, 09:41 PM

were can I get some ,japanees condomes??????

timgoz

08-11-2007, 09:46 PM

Sad man, sad!!!

Shut up Longliner or your gonna hurt our international rep more than it already is!

Tim :)

PS: Thems family secrets.

Frosty

08-11-2007, 10:04 PM

Longliner ,--do you have a Harley Davison.

Talking oF International reputation. I heard on the BBc that you guys are given a pamphlet at the airport with instructions on how to behave abroad.

How to be nice and friendly to forigners because they are not forigners any more. How to talk quitely and be polite.

Dont start a war---this is frowned upon in Europe now. Even England has stoped doing it.

Try to eat with a knife and a fork not just cut up your food and eat with a fork, and for heavens sake dont forget to stick your little finger out when drinking tea.

Try to cut down on the --"God Damn" and making references to eveyone haveing sexual relation with thier mother.

It is quite sufficient to say "hello how are you" Dont blow cigar smoke in peoples faces, and dont tip 1000 dollars to Mc donalds workers for a 1pound 20 pence Big mac.

timgoz

08-11-2007, 11:05 PM

American "Men"do not drink tea!

longliner45

08-11-2007, 11:31 PM

I used to have 2 harleys,,a 45 flathead ,,and a 66 sportster,after I finish anger managment class I will be able to have customer contact again,,,I only drink beer and water,but sometimes when I drink beer ,,,,,,,I stick out a finger,,,,longliner

charmc

08-12-2007, 07:49 PM

The Salvation Army used to issue a weekly newsletter in my area back in UK.
On the back page was jokes --all of them were better than those offered here by Berg and Poida.

Apparently your words of encouragement haven't had much effect yet, Frosty. :)

charmc

08-12-2007, 07:50 PM

I only drink beer and water,but sometimes when I drink beer ,,,,,,,I stick out a finger,,,,longliner

Longliner, let me guess ... it's not your little finger.

Frosty

08-12-2007, 08:03 PM

Alas Charmc you are correct. You can lead a horse to water but you cant make it drink. My words of encouragement do seem to have been cast on stoney ground. I can do no more but have faith in the human race.

Lets just assume that these few days of silence could mean that they are thinking about it?

nordvindcrew

08-14-2007, 12:48 PM

Mother, Mother, when I grow up I want to drivel like Frosty. Come here son, I'm going to drown you before that can happen

artemis

08-14-2007, 02:29 PM

Mother, Mother, somebody just called Frosty a WOG! It's all right my son - they paid him a compliment. WOG means Westernized Oriental Gentleman. :P :P :P

Frosty

08-14-2007, 08:37 PM

I think its all very silly calling people names. I am often refered to in my social circle as a 'bastard'.

Now a lot of people get upset about this but in actual fact I happen to know that my Mother and Father were really married. This makes me believe that the name caller is incorrect in his assumptions and their information source is unreliable.

It is therefore from these experiences that I take no notice of these accusations.

PI Design

08-15-2007, 02:22 AM

What do you call a man with a sea gull on his head?

Cliff

Poida

08-15-2007, 08:07 AM

Man was out boating, travelling up stream he decides to tie up on his starboard side and have a look around.
Walking along the bank of the river he noticed a small cafe on the other bank.
Seeing a young blonde woman on the other bank he called out, "HOW DO i GET TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE RIVER!"

The woman yelled back, "YOU ARE ON THE OTHER SIDE."

Well walking along a bit further he noticed another blonde lady in a yacht with two dogs.
"Good morning," he said, "they're nice dogs, what's their names?"
"Rolex and Timex," she answered.
To that the man replied, "strange names for dogs, why did you name them that."
"Hellooooo," she answered, "they're watch dogs."

Finally the man moored his boat and drove home and slumped into his favourite chair.
"Well," he said to his wife, "had enough of blondes today, I suppose I had better paint the porch, since I've got the paint out the front with the brushes, but I don't feel like doing it."
The door bell rang. The man opened the door, and standing there was a blonde.
"Sorry to bother you," she said, "I am looking at raising a little extra cash and wondered if you had any odd jobs I could do."
"Yes, well there is," he answered, "I was just talking to the wife of a job I have to do, perhaps you could give me a quote. I would like you to paint my porch."
"$50" she said without hesitating.
The man agreed to the price, told her where the paint was and went back inside, sat down in his favourite chair again, turned to his wife and said, "talk about blondes, ones just knocked on the door and said she'd paint the porch for $50, it'll take her hours."
However within 30 minutes she knocked on the door again.
When the man opened the door she cheerfully said, "finished"
"God that was quick," he said as he gave her a $50 note.
"I don't mess around," replied the girl, "oh, and by the way, you don't have a porch, it's a ferrari."

safewalrus

08-15-2007, 01:18 PM

OOO yes! bloody hell poida you made me laff - only normally do that when granny catches her tits in the mangle or 'Snowy' makes a faux pas - but there again don't he always?

timgoz

08-15-2007, 02:04 PM

May I suggest "Porche" would be a better fit than Ferrari.

Good one though. I'm gonna send it to my brunette female friend in England.

BTW, what do you call a bottle of dark hair coloring in the hands of a blond?

"Artificial Intellingence"

Tim

safewalrus

08-15-2007, 06:24 PM

Nice one Tim, must tell the (blonde) wife! Not that she would understand it!

Bergalia

08-16-2007, 07:34 AM

No, not another blonde joke - but a true story illustrating the irrationality of women. My wife - typical Asian colouring - threw herself into the true spirit of Christmas when we lived in the UK. Insisted on buying a 'real' Christmas tree one year, so we visited the local Foresty Commission and viewed the long lines of 'tops' they sold as 'trees'. After inspecting the whole display she chose the tattiest, sproggliest, most mal-formed little twig in the line.
"But why dear ?"
"I felt sorry for it....":(

PI Design

08-16-2007, 09:04 AM

When is a hatch not a hatch?

When its ajar!

Oh, the wit.

Bergalia

08-16-2007, 09:09 AM

Quick PI - go into your song.......

Try this: Five steps to a successful relationship.

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

timgoz

08-16-2007, 09:30 AM

Good one Max.

But where is the fishing woman & billiards playing/ beer drinking woman?
We gotta keep our prioritie straight. :)

Hope your planting is proceeding well. We are into the harvesting phase here. Sweet corn prices have soared for many reasons, not the least being this ethonal sham.

Tim

safewalrus

08-16-2007, 05:38 PM

Makes good whishkey I fink, hic!

eponodyne

08-16-2007, 06:48 PM

Just out of curiosity (and laziness): Is there a thread for "dumb things we've seen/done at sea?" Because I have a couple things to relate that aren't jokes, but might be good for a laugh.

timgoz

08-16-2007, 07:35 PM

E,

There was just one awhile back similar in theme. Check out Charmac's posts as I think he may have started it.

I thought of contributing more to it but had not the mental energy to mention the many idiotic things I've seen (& done unfortunatly). :(

If I come across it I'll let ya know.

Tim

timgoz

08-16-2007, 07:37 PM

Found it.

"Dumbest Move Ever Seen" by Charmac.

Tim

Bergalia

08-16-2007, 09:04 PM

....Sweet corn prices have soared for many reasons, not the least being this ethonal sham.Tim

Scarey thought Tim, but I heard a discussion on 'alternative fuels' on the local radio and it's been worked out that to produce 1 (one) tank of ethanol fuel for a car (let's assume 30 gallons) uses the same amount of sweet corn that would feed a family of four (4) for a whole year....
There's an interesting equation ? Motor transport versus starvation. And that's no joke. :mad:

timgoz

08-16-2007, 09:20 PM

Somebody has a way to pocket vast sums of $$$ without working for it. Screw the enviroment, common sense, the starving & hungry, as long as they reap unholy loot.

Hey I was just having happy thoughts. Now I'm pissed off. :mad:

Back to HappyLand!

Take care Max.

Tim

Frosty

08-16-2007, 09:50 PM

I go mostly every where I can on a mountain bike. I love it. I dont need to worry about parking, police ,crash helmets, insurance, one way streets, traffic lights. AND I can drink and drive.

And when Im in town I can go faster than the traffic anyway.

The only bummer is the weather and I dont worry about that most times. But I have to take my pipe out of my mouth.

Do you know what they call a cyclist in London?

An organ donar.

safewalrus

08-17-2007, 01:41 AM

Your not wrong there Frosty, organ donars ain't the half of it! Some of the buggers certainly have a death wish -and not always on the road, a lot drive on the pavements and the way they terrorise the poor pedestran I'm surprised more are not pulled off their bikes and beaten to a pulp! They just don't seem to think that trafffic laws also relate to them (and as for the police on bikes in their lycre shorts and funny hats and squeeky little alarms - you'd wet yourself Frosty - well worth looking for people if only for the laugh!!! (not offten the police can offer entertainment these days - mind you I watched a taxi driver cut a biker up the other month to find the goy was a pushbike cop - blue sirens coming out of the woodwork - so many flashing blue lights it was like a cheap disco - only trouble was all the lights were all one colour! Oh the excitement of city life!!!!

Poida

08-17-2007, 05:16 AM

I have read and maybe on this forum, and so not confirmed from any reliable source that although ethenol is used in cars to prevent polution, there is a lot of pollution produced in the manufacture of it.

So, cars may as well use a polluting fuel.

Swhat I heard anyway, but then it's probably the type of people I hang out with.

Poida

Frosty

08-17-2007, 09:29 AM

Poida -- your drunk!!!!

Bergalia

08-17-2007, 09:35 AM

Let's be serious for a moment.

Journalist Alex Wade writing in the Times (of London) On Line offers 25 legal 'hummers' which remain on the statute books...

25. It is illegal for a cab in the City of London to carry rabid dogs or corpses.

24. It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament.

23. It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British monarch upside down.

22. In France, it is forbidden to call a pig Napoleon.

21. Under the UK’s Tax Avoidance Schemes Regulations 2006, it is illegal not to tell the taxman anything you don’t want him to know, though you don’t have to tell him anything you don’t mind him knowing.

20. In Alabama, it is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while driving a vehicle.

19. In Ohio, it is against state law to get a fish drunk.

18. Royal Navy ships that enter the Port of London must provide a barrel of rum to the Constable of the Tower of London.

17. In the UK, a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants – even, if she so requests, in a policeman’s helmet.

16. In Lancashire, no person is permitted after being asked to stop by a constable on the seashore to incite a dog to bark.

15. In Miami, Florida, it is illegal to skateboard in a police station.

14. In Indonesia, the penalty for masturbation is decapitation.

13. In England, all men over the age of 14 must carry out two hours of longbow practice a day.

12. In London, Freemen are allowed to take a flock of sheep across London Bridge without being charged a toll; they are also allowed to drive geese down Cheapside.

11. In San Salvador, drunk drivers can be punished by death before a firing squad.

10. In the UK, a man who feels compelled to urinate in public can do so only if he aims for his rear wheel and keeps his right hand on his vehicle.

9. In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on Sundays can be jailed.

8. In Kentucky, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon more than six-feet long.

7. In Chester, Welshmen are banned from entering the city before sunrise and from staying after sunset.

6. In the city of York, it is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow.

5. In Boulder, Colorado, it is illegal to kill a bird within the city limits and also to “own” a pet – the town’s citizens, legally speaking, are merely “pet minders”.

4. In Vermont, women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.

3. In London, it is illegal to flag down a taxi if you have the plague.

2. In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination; he may only see their reflection in a mirror.

1. The head of any dead whale found on the British coast is legally the property of the King; the tail, on the other hand, belongs to the Queen - in case she needs the bones for her corset.

Number 14 should give Frosty pause for thought....:D :D :D :D :D :D :D

On the other hand Number 6 gives me pause for thought:( :( :( :( :( :( :(

Frosty

08-17-2007, 10:11 AM

I cant laugh -I ripped the nail off my toe, the one next to the big one. I don't know the real name for it BUT IT FU$%^& hurts ---LIKE ****. OH JEEESUS.== FU$%^& HELL.

I wouldnt care but its been three days now, how long does it take for pain to subside. I cant imagine what it must be like to be beheaded. It must sting a bit.

Bergalia

08-17-2007, 10:15 AM

Serves you right. You were told not to bite your nails....

Frosty

08-17-2007, 10:23 AM

Jeees Berg its 20 past two in the morning--- for you any way. Get to bed young man you've got school in the morning.
come on, im turning off the light,--- berg you coming or what?

Bergalia

08-17-2007, 10:32 AM

Jeees Berg its 20 past two in the morning--- for you any way.

Nah Frosty - 1.30 am - I'm just about to start work....But nighty night old son....Kissy kissy....:)

Frosty

08-17-2007, 09:29 PM

Yaaaawwwn -----stretch ahhh good morning,--mmmm whats the weather like? ooohh could be a nice day, WAKE UP BERG--get the kettle on.

SheetWise

08-18-2007, 08:16 AM

In Vermont, women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.

That's a bit harsh. As long as she removes them at the appropriate times, it seems she shouldn't need permission.

Poida

08-18-2007, 08:54 AM

Sheetwise that comment sux

Poida

eponodyne

08-18-2007, 02:49 PM

Fishing warden's out on patrol one day, and he comes across this old gomer sitting in a handsome little skiff, line over the side. As he comes closer to ask for a fishing license, he sees this geezer's cheeks are moist with tears.

He brings the boat alongside and says, "Hey, old-timer, what seems to be the problem."

Granddad snuffles moistly, wipes his eyes, and says, "Well, young man, it's like this. About six months ago, I fell in love with my granddaughter's best friend, and she with me, so we got married. What a girl! We live on-board my Tahiti ketch and she wouldn't have it any other way. In fact, she bought me this skiff and uses my old jonboat to get back and forth to her job as an aerobics instructor. At night, she comes home and cooks me fabulous meals. Now, I ain't as spry as I once were, but three or four times a week we make sweet sweet love rocked in the cradle of the deeps."

The warden looks at him in astonishment and says, "Well, I don't mind telling you that sounds like a heckuva deal to me! So why are you out here in the middle of the bay crying to yourself?"

"I can't remember where I live!"

Landlubber

08-20-2007, 11:56 PM

A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times, approached a well dressed gentleman on the street.

"Hey, buddy, can you spare two dollars?"
The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You are not going to spend it on liquor are you?"
"No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum.

"You are not going to throw it away in some card game, are you?" asks the gentleman.
"No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum. "

You wouldn't waste the money for fishing gear, flies, boots or rods, would you?" asks the man.
"Never," says the bum, "I don't fish."

The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a home cooked meal.The bum accepts eagerly.

While they are heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of him. "Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?"
"Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, fish or gamble''

VKRUE

08-21-2007, 06:19 AM

Boat troubles

During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried.

After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem.

Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.

Landlubber

08-23-2007, 07:15 PM

The woman quickly realized that the large wave had unceremoniously dispatched the top part of her bikini into the deep.

More than a little embarrassed, she clasped her arms across her chest and made a dash for her car. She could sense everyone gawking at her along the way.

Upon entering the parking lot a little boy, who was following his mother to the beach asked, pointing to her arms, "Are you carrying puppies in there?",

Not wanting to explain what had really happened, the woman replied, " Why yes, yes they are. She quickly moved on but heard the boy shout after her, "If you're giving them away I'll take the one with the pink nose!"

Landlubber

08-23-2007, 07:17 PM

God commanded "Thou shalt not kill"
What is the penalty for murder, death.
......am I missing something or should I just go have another dose of my medicine?

artemis

08-24-2007, 09:24 PM

Ole (who is Norse) and Sven (who is Swede) had been neighbors for many years in Rice Lake and got along fairly well despite their different nationalities. Sven was weeding his front flower bed one day and Ole drove up to his home, parked, and got out carrying his wader boots, rod and tackle, and creel. Sven looked up and said: "By golly, Ole, I tank you been fishing". Ole replied: "Yure preetty smart for a Swede, Sven. If you can tell me how many I've caught, I'll give you all three of 'em". "Oh, well, Ole" said Sven, "You ain't much of a fisherman. I tank you only caught one". :P

Frosty

08-27-2007, 09:23 PM

An American lawer goes to england and hires a car. Hes driving around as you do and a police man stops him at the side of the road. The policeman says driving license and registration please , the septic says why? The police man says because you didnt stop at the junction, you just slowed down. the clever lawer says "so,-- its the same thing",--"No it isnt,- driving license and registration please".
The clever septic says look if you can explain to me the difference I will gladly give you my license and registration.

The Policeman says "Ok thats fair enough,--get out of the car please sir", so the clever lawer gets out of the car. The police man gets his truncheon out and starts beating him on the head and says "now do you want me to stop or slow down?

Bergalia

08-27-2007, 11:58 PM

Why pick on the poor Americans Frosty ? I'm sure they'd do the same if was a Brit lawyer...Only the policeman would suddenly feign deafness.... :D

Frosty

08-28-2007, 12:15 AM

It was actually a Scottish lawer Berg, but I altered it because Scotts cant take a joke so I used the septics.

charmc

08-28-2007, 12:16 AM

Good one, Frosty!

I know you had to throw in the token "make fun of the septic" part, but it's a good one on lawyers. :D

Bergalia

08-28-2007, 12:20 AM

It was actually a Scottish lawer Berg, but I altered it because Scotts cant take a joke

Very prudent Frosty - and well observed. Among the many things we Scots lack (distance from the English being the main one) is a sense of humour...But if the good Lord had meant us kilt-wearing Highland gentlemen to laugh he would have covered the land with feather-dusters - rather than thistles...:(

Bergalia

08-29-2007, 08:58 AM

A businessman is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting. he glances down at his watch - and discovers it has stopped. But just then sees a patient dressed in a ragged navy uniform on the other side of the fence.

"I say old chap...You don't happen to know the time do you ?"

"Hold on a moment" shouts the old salt - then throws himself on the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does so. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, checks that the stick is vertical.
Next he produces a compass and swings around to face north. Then with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.
Finally he takes a slide-rule from his pocket, plus a set of planetary declination tables and does a quick calculation. Satisfied he packs up his instruments and smiles at the businessman. "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is Wednesday August 29th, which I believe it is."

The city gent is really impressed, and sets his Rolex accordingly. But just before he leaves he congratulates the old salt. "That was really remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?"

The salt holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."

safewalrus

09-01-2007, 01:05 PM

Told that one from memory, I guess Bergalia!

But was that afore or after 'going up the ice'?

Frosty

09-01-2007, 09:55 PM

As I was searching the forums this morning my attention was immediately drawn to "boat jokes by safewalrus" WHAT???? I thought walrus telling a joke I dont believe it. I hastely opened the thread to see as usuall no F$%^ joke just a comment on others.

Guillermo

09-02-2007, 12:10 AM

Probably this one has already been posted, but just in case...

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish..."

Bergalia

09-02-2007, 06:30 PM

A slice of true life Guillermo...brings back memories of the old Barra couple Iona and Donald MacNeil. Lovely old couple who went to see their solicitor about a divorce.
Somewhat shocked the legal gentleman looks at the pair. "A divorce is it ?"
They nod.
"Donald man, Iona... I've known you all my life, never a sharp word between you. Now a divorce."
Again the couple nod.
"And how long is you've been married ?"
"Seventy-three years this September..." says Donald.
"Seventy-three years..." The legal gentleman shakes his head in disbelief. "Seventy-three years, and now a divorce....Why? Why after all these years have you decided to seperate ?"
"Ah, well," said Iona. "We thought we'd wait until the children died....."

Guillermo

09-03-2007, 07:26 AM

"We thought we'd wait until the children died....."
:D :D :D :D

Frosty

09-03-2007, 09:25 AM

2 whales swimming along --one male one female. The male comes up to breath and spots a whaling ship on the horizon. He says to his mate "hey I recognise that ship , thats the one that killed my Mom and Dad".

So they swim over to take a closer look. "Yup" says the male "thats the one --bastards killed my Mom and dad they did., lets sink the ship".

She says "well how can we do that". " we will go down below it and blow very hard and somehow de-stabalise it and it might roll over and sink".

So down they go and blow as hard as they can, sure enough the ship rolls over and sinks. They come to the surface and see all the survivors swimming in the sea. "Right" he says "lets go and gobble them up"

" Oh Oh wait a minute" says the female "Im not so sure about this I mean I was ok with the blow job but Im not swallowing the seamen"

safewalrus

09-03-2007, 01:31 PM

Frosties standards are in their usual place, just below the waist! bit like 'im really

Frosty

09-03-2007, 08:44 PM

Oh jeees Im still on the forum this morning. I though after that joke I might have been ----dis-communicated.

Thank you walrus for yet again another riveting hilarious and worth while comment.

Some times in life one feels a little perhaps unsure of ones self and a few kind word of appreciation and guidence from some one like yourslf makes it all worth while and puts a new fresh spring in my step.

Bergalia

09-04-2007, 05:25 PM

... and puts a new fresh spring in my step.

Dash it Frosty, not only guilty of generalisation - but now tautology...'new fresh'...:rolleyes:

safewalrus

09-05-2007, 01:56 PM

So glad I can lighten your day Frosty, it makes it all seem worthwhile, somehow!!

Frosty

09-05-2007, 09:24 PM

Sunsail base -sunsale base -sunsail base -this is little star". "Go ahead little star". "Oh we have a problem with the boat" --"What is the problem" "the boat wont go" ----what do you mean it wont --go!" "well we try to move it but it just goes round and round in circles"--silence--' Have you tried moving the steering wheel"---"yes we have moved it a lot but it still does it" silence' " try hauling the anchor"

sunsail base --sunsail base-- sunsail base "this is little star yes that seems to have done the trick, it is going now"

Ahem this is not a joke.

Poida

09-06-2007, 05:09 AM

Sunsail Base wasn't a joke, damn, it was funnier that the whale one.:D

Poida

Frosty

09-06-2007, 08:58 AM

Poida I have just tried to give you some points for being a really really nice bloke --and for liking my jokes.

Unfortunately me ole mate the computer says no. Eeerr I could send you a beer in the post?

Landlubber

09-06-2007, 11:16 PM

Please do not do that Frosty, without the can the effect would not be the same.

Bergalia

09-07-2007, 06:40 PM

Old Highland skipper having just returned from sea is walking over his croft and sees a man crouched beside a small pool scooping up water in his hand.

Naturally concerned the skipper shouts "Awa ye eijit, can yeh no tell that's foo o kyle keich"
(Translated: Don't drink the water, it's full of cow ****.)

The man shouts back "I'm English... Why don't you speak English, so I can
understand you"

So the old skipper shouts back: "Use both hands, you'll get more in."

Guillermo

09-08-2007, 07:28 PM

Well, about understanding english, hear this pilot-tower conversation.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ob7mc8gIyrE
If I ever have to fly with Air China, I'll think twice....!

Frosty

09-08-2007, 08:28 PM

Boy oh boy thats frightening stuff.

Poida

09-09-2007, 01:55 AM

Most people in the world speak Chinese, it's not the pilot's fault if he has come across one of the minority in the world.

You Amelicans shloud rurn spleek Chinese.

Poida

Frosty

09-09-2007, 02:44 AM

Transmission of language by radio anywhere in the world is English.

safewalrus

09-09-2007, 04:45 AM

or in this case Chinglish? But what stange language is the controller speaking?

Bergalia

09-09-2007, 05:27 AM

Transmission of language by radio anywhere in the world is English.

So, we'll never hear you on the radio then, Frosty.......:D

safewalrus

09-09-2007, 10:07 AM

Now THAT IS A BONUS I hadn't thought off!

Kiteship

09-09-2007, 05:02 PM

Woman walks into a bar and orders 7 gins; "line 'em up!" she says. Downs them, one after another. Gets ripping drunk, turns to the crowd and says, "I'll do the lot of you!" proceeds to do just that. On the bar, on tables, on the floor; eventually in the gutter.

Same woman comes into the same bar, night after night. Exactly the same scenario, for 5 days straight. On the sixth day, she walks into the bar, yet again. Barman says, "Will it be your usual, gin?" Girl says, "No, not tonight. I'll have 7 vodkas. Gin makes my pussy hurt."

VKRUE

09-10-2007, 08:35 PM

Not exactly a joke but...,

Get a load of this video clip......... the old folks seem to have a sense of humor !!!
:D :D :D

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=17828845

brian eiland

09-13-2007, 08:40 AM

A burglar broke into a boat one night. He shined his flashlight around,
looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his
sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is
watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself
a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began
searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as
a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source
of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came
to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you!"

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed.
"What kind of people would name their bird Moses?"

"Those same kind of people that would name their rottweiler Jesus."

safewalrus

09-13-2007, 05:00 PM

Talking of which couple of fellahs down Wembley for the footie the other day were approached by a local pimply youth

"watch yer car for a fiver mate"

'No your Ok son, we've got a rottweiler in the back'

"can your rottweiler put out fires?"

Bergalia

09-14-2007, 09:37 AM

A young decides to join the navy. On the day he is about to go to sea, his father warned him to be aware of gay sailors.

"But dad, how will I know?"

"Trust me son, you will know.

After six months at sea, the ship comes into port. The father was on the dock waiting for his son. The son, seeing his father, got off the ship and shook his fathers hand.

"Well son, how did it go?"

"Dad, I found out what you ment about gay sailors. One night I was out on deck all alone when a man came by and put his hand on my shoulder so I threw him overboard."

"But how could you tell he was gay?"

"Well, for three days he swam behind the boat yelling "Throw me a bouy...throw me a bouy..." :)

safewalrus

09-14-2007, 05:02 PM

Some years later the young swaine mentioned above meets a young lady and decides to get married and settle down! Her father after much effort decides she will marry ths damn sailor after all so he gives her his blessing and sez to her "darling just one word of advice, when he asks to make love the other way tell him no!" So they get married and after several months she coyly sez to her sailor husband "darling tonight I want to make love the other way!" 'What and risk having babies!'

Bergalia

09-14-2007, 06:20 PM

Question: What's a metaphor ?

Answer (to be read with a West Indian accent):

'Ah metaphor to be mekin me tea while ahm sailin....'

(leaps overside and starts swimming for shore....):(

Bergalia

09-14-2007, 06:33 PM

One for the Pommy members:

This is allegedly a real letter written by a young Kiwi sailor to a UK Advice column:

I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. My parents live in the suburb of Seatoun and one of my sisters, who lives in Palmerston North, is married to a guy from Manchester, England. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Auckland.I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Mount Eaden Prison, Auckland, for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in the Wellington remand centre on charges of incest with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Christchurch and indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancee utilising her knowledge of the industry, working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.

My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a Manchester United fan?

safewalrus

09-15-2007, 04:50 PM

Definately not that would ruin any chance of you setting up a sucessful brothel keeping business! Incidentally what flavours of broth do you intend to sell and how will you package it?

Frosty

09-15-2007, 10:15 PM

This young boy goes home from school and says to his dad -"dad I had EDIT with the teacher today" The old man says "well done son your a chip off the old block". The proud father thinks boy I cant wait to get down the pub tonight and tell the lads my son has been EDIT his teacher, Oh boy.

So the father say --"so --what did you think of your first EDIT son " The young boy says "well its ok I guess but it really makes your EDIT hurt?"

longliner45

09-15-2007, 11:54 PM

frosty ,,,take a deep breath and get some fresh air,,,,,,,you have been on the boat too long,,,good one ,,,,,,,longliner

Poida

09-16-2007, 12:02 AM

That's a rude one Frosty I am ashamed of you.

Boy went home to his Dad and said, "Had me first blow job today Dad."

"Wow good one," said his Dad. "Like a beer son."

His son accepted his invitation for a beer, and sunk it in a few minutes.

"Can I have another beer Dad," his son asks.

"Sure son, having a blow job must of made you thirsty,"

"No Dad, trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

Poida

Guillermo

09-16-2007, 01:10 AM

Ahem....I like all of you guys, and I'm not saint at all, but...may we keep the bar a little bit higher?

Frosty

09-16-2007, 04:03 AM

The priest kept chickens, one day he lost his prize cock. The next Sunday at Church he asked for every ones attention and said has anyone got a cock.

DELETED

safewalrus

09-16-2007, 04:53 AM

As Guillermo said could we keep the bar a little higher, get it out of the monsoon ditch at least!

Mind you there's more chance of the Pope joining the Orange Lodge than Frosty cleaning up his act!:(

Frosty

09-16-2007, 05:03 AM

I'm doing my best to keep em clean, now if you could lower the bar a shade it would open up a whole new catagory.

I wonder just how far the 'bar' needs to be lowered before you can contribute a tale or two. Or is it that you just cant remember them? I know it hard is'nt it?--remembering your name and address must be difficult enough.

safewalrus

09-16-2007, 05:06 AM

But Frosty - I only have to think of your name and I collapse in convulsions of mirth! I find you that funny, why have other jokes?

Guillermo

09-16-2007, 07:39 AM

Somebody posted not that long ago at the drivel thread:
"I bought a house in Thailand..., it was a lovely place then, but now we have human garbage. Attracted by the innocence of the poor Thais, round eyed perverts roam the streets.....searching out little boys to take home with them. I DONT LIKE IT."
May I suggest this as a departuring point to fix the level of the bar? Not to joke about perverts and boys (or girls)?
Cheers.

Bergalia

09-16-2007, 08:39 AM

Dammit - I'm beginning to sound like a one-man Guillermo fan club - but again I have to agree. Gentlemen, a little decorum if you please...

safewalrus

09-16-2007, 08:42 AM

Totally agree Guillermo, sexist jokes in general can be bad but that sort of perversion is NO Laughing matter, exponents should be removed from the forum! Ok maybe after the second one along that line a warning should be issued but continuation should see removal or the forum may amongst other things become stained

Frosty

09-16-2007, 10:49 PM

Although I too agree, I had'nt thought about it that way. The thing is, a joke is total fiction and bears no reality to real life.

If I was to witness anything on those grounds I would be the first to call the appropriate authorities.

I take this opportunity to apologise if the JOKE I have told offended any one but I must ask the offended to remember it is a joke basically because of the irony content and not necessarily the stage upon which it is set.

There are 2 similar jokes posted here both of which contained the perversion that has offended. Both jokes were not funny because of the perversion but of the situation and the confusion in the English language that resulted in funny back fire.

It would also be true to say that this is the reason translation of jokes is just about impossible, other nationalities would not understand the joke or see it in the light it was meant.

I would also like to point out that it is a joke thread and is meant to contain 'Jokes'. To read them one must find and click onto it.

Those who have expressed dislike are those who have not posted any themselves but still read them.

A joke is not meant to be studied for content, examined and placed into a real life situation.

My wife used to do that, she would listen then say it was terrible and how cruel it was. ITS A JOKE. LISTEN LAUGH--MOVE ON.

Guillermo

09-16-2007, 11:44 PM

...The thing is, a joke is total fiction and bears no reality to real life...
I'm afraid I do not agree, Frosty. OK, let's bring your argument to it's own contradiction limits: if you're brave enough, go to your nearest mosque and tell them whatever joke about their Prophet. You'll easily bear out the reality of life...

...It would also be true to say that translation of jokes is just about impossible, other nationalities would not understand the joke or see it in the light it was meant.
Being this an international forum, in written english, that's precisely one of the reasons we have to be careful on what (and how) we joke about.

This has been thoroughly discussed already: we tend to forget about it (me the first) as we enjoy the driveling, but this place is not exactly our pub and not only our close mates are the ones listening.
Take care.

Frosty

09-17-2007, 12:20 AM

Guillermo whilst I sort of agree with you I wouldnt tell a joke to a Islamic member. They would'nt understand. That is my point really the attitude that I tell the joke with must be in alignment with the attitude of the listener.

I have edited my last post about 1 hour after the original posting.

You say this is not our pub and its not only our close mates listening?

So you are complaining for others and its not yourself that is offended?

So the joke would be funny if it were in the pub?

Guillermo

09-17-2007, 12:33 AM

Well, I tell a kind of jokes to my mates and I tell another kind of jokes to my children, if you know what I mean.
And yes, I've felt offended by your joke and Poida's, if I'm allowed to say it.

VKRUE

09-17-2007, 05:42 AM

I must side with Gillie here.
Jokes do not and should not be as such... involving little boys... or girls, perversion, incest or any such things.
PERIOD.

Poida

09-17-2007, 06:07 AM

Posted by Guillermo
let's bring your argument to it's own contradiction limits: if you're brave enough, go to your nearest mosque and tell them whatever joke about their Prophet. You'll easily bear out the reality of life.

You're right Guillermo, you have highlighted the irrationality of people that can't accept a joke.

Poida

Pericles

09-17-2007, 07:40 AM

How about jokes about Australians?

An old Australian battler lies dying in his bed. He calls over Shirley, his faithful wife of 60 years, and says, "Shirl, when we started out, tried to buy a business in the depression, went bust: you were with me"
"Oh, yes, Bruce", she says.
Then the war started, I joined up, and was sent to the front line, where I lost me legs. You stayed with me."
"Oh yes, Bruce" she says.
"Then, came home, couldn't get a job, due to me disability, and bought a farm."
"Oh, yes, Bruce", she says.
"The farm flooded, then just when we got over that, there was a bush fire, and then the drought, which wiped us right out: you still stayed with me."
"Oh yes, Bruce,"
"Now here I am, in excruciating pain, about to die, useless and you're still with me."
"Yes Bruce."
"Shirl."
"Yes, Bruce?"
"You're bloody bad luck"

After their boat sinks, two Aussies are left floating around in their lifeboat in the middle of the ocean. All of a sudden one of them spots a funny looking bottle bobbing in the water and pulls it out. He sees something written on the bottle but can't quite read it so he gives it a bit of a rub.
SHAZAM.....out pops a genie!
"For releasing me from the bottle I will grant you one wish."
The guy glances at his mate, smiles and without further hesitation says, "I wish the whole ocean was beer!"
The genie claps his hands together and BOOM, there's a blinding light and the genie is gone. The guy quickly leans over the side of the boat and takes a big swig of "water".
"You're not gonna believe this mate, but it's really beer!"
His mate screws up his face and says "That's just bloody brilliant mate! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat!!”

A Pom, fresh off the plane at Sydney airport, is trying to negotiate Australian customs. Finally, when it's his turn to get his passport stamped, the customs officer starts rattling off the usual questions:
C.O. - How long do you intend to stay?
POM - 1 week.
C.O. - What is the nature of this trip?
POM - Business.
C.O. - Do you have any past criminal convictions?

POM - I didn't think we still needed to!

Pericles