BOAT JOKES (we need a few laughs)

[Fanie]

mom to son. what did your father say about the dents in the car.

son. should i leave out the swearing he asks.

mom. yes.

son. well. then he said nothing.

[peter radclyffe]

http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.newsbiscuit.com%2F2010%2F09%2F15%2Fhalfords-launch-tourettes-sat-nav-190%2F&h=1a39c

[RHP]

YOU'RE GETTING OLDER WHEN...


- When your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

- Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

- You wake up, looking like your passport picture.

- It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

- Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

- You have more patience; but actually, it's just that you don't care any more.

- You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

- No one expects you to run into a burning building.

- Your joints are more accurate than the BBC Weather Forecast.

- In a hostage situation you're likely to be released first.

- You're sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.

- Conversations with people your own age often turn into "ailment duelling."

- It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.

- You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

- You wear black socks with sandals.

- Your ears are hairier than your head.

- You have a party and the neighbours don't even realise it.

- You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.

[hoytedow]

An oldy but a goody. : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_JuDpF_-6ko

[Vulkyn]

lol :) !

Here is a nice pic i ran into

[Fanie]

The reason Pretoria has so many one way streets is to stop the civil servants who are going home early from colliding with those coming to work late.

[hoytedow]

Reverse half the signs. :)

[troy2000]

Reverse half the signs. :)

That would be one way to thin the herd.....

[hoytedow]

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Nobody.


Why did the chicken cross the road?
It didn't.


My dog's got no nose!
How does it smell?
It doesn't.

[wardd]

the answer is, it smell terrible

but you had to have watched the skit about joke warfare

[apex1]

If you can bring up the subject, why can't he respond?:confused:

If you don't want politics here, don't be posting your political slogans here....:cool:

No matter if you are right or wrong, life is a cruel judge...........


http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_pqaByz3y9LM/SkEDFiFthgI/AAAAAAAAAD8/4BIkzWFt8zA/s400/witze024.jpg

says: Its me, Hartmut, i have just nosebleed...........

[Vulkyn]

LOL poor Harmut ...

[hoytedow]

No matter if you are right or wrong, life is a cruel judge...........


http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_pqaByz3y9LM/SkEDFiFthgI/AAAAAAAAAD8/4BIkzWFt8zA/s400/witze024.jpg

says: Its me, Hartmut, i have just nosebleed...........R O F L !:P :P

[troy2000]

OMG!:eek:

OMG is right.

"Hallowed ground" is what people are calling the property now. Why? It's a former coat factory, that can't even be seen from Ground Zero.

Since there are already two dedicated mosques closer to Ground Zero than the property they want to build this multi-use cultural center on, how far away do you want them to move it? Five blocks? ten? All the way off Manhattan Island? Out of the state? Clear out of the country?

Hating on Sufi Muslim Americans because a handful of Wahhabi Muslim nutcases from Saudi Arabia did a suicide run? That makes about as much sense as hating the Southern Baptist Convention because Catholic Christians carried out the Spanish Inquisition.

[wardd]

the next time some fanatics financed and from saudi arabia attack us I think we should invade canada because it's so much closer and we wont need any gay translators

[wardd]

It is a former coat factory littered with the bones and ashes of victims of 9/11. Hallowed ground because it is part of Ground Zero seriously damaged in the same attack. Who said anything about hating anyone?


and there were 2 mosques in the world trade towers

should they be reestablished at ground zero?

[wardd]

Why not? Put one on each side of the Greek Orthodox Church, which also awaits rebuilding. Put a Sonny's Barbeque there too.


do i detect a bit of religious bias?

it was christians that murdered 20 to 50 million europeans during ww2

me, i'm a peaceful agnostic

[ancient kayaker]

the next time some fanatics financed and from saudi arabia attack us I think we should invade canada because it's so much closer and we wont need any gay translators

I thought you already had invaded Canada. You haven't? OMG, are we safe up here? Our gays speak the same languages as everybody else BTW. Eh?

[wardd]

who sent us lawrence welk?

[Vulkyn]

One thing that all humans did through out our bloody history, is find excuses for their atrocities, hate and anger.
The problem is not law, religion faith or anything its humans and when some one does an atrocity and labels its on religion its still is the PERSONS fault!

No matter the religion, country, faith etc... some one ,some where, at some time did something that will tarnish what he represented or the group he belonged too.
Its sound judgment to understand that.

So leave the hate to the hatters
... I am a lover ... :D

[hoytedow]

who sent us lawrence welk?:rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

[hoytedow]

In class the professor asked who was the greatest lover in literature.
He was offered as examples Lothario, Don Juan and Casnova.
Then an Italian in the back raises his hand.
Yes? asked the professor.
Peepayleenay offered the Italian.
Peepayleenay? parroted the professor.

Yes, said the Italian. It says right here in the newspaper(holds up newspaper): "Pipeline(pronounced Peepayleenay laid across the entire state of New York!"

[Vulkyn]

In class the professor asked who was the greatest lover in literature.
He was offered as examples Lothario, Don Juan and Casnova.
Then an Italian in the back raises his hand.
Yes? asked the professor.
Peepayleenay offered the Italian.
Peepayleenay? parroted the professor.

Yes, said the Italian. It says right here in the newspaper(holds up newspaper): "Pipeline(pronounced Peepayleenay laid across the entire state of New York!"

Drum rolls .... :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

[wardd]

Drum rolls .... :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

come on be gentle with hoy, he tried

[hoytedow]

I guess you had to be there.

[SheetWise]

who sent us lawrence welk?

The same people that sent us Bobby Darin, Pat Boone, and Elvis Presley ... a group of idiots whose marketing surveys indicated that the audience wouldn't tolerate "black" music.

Have you ever heard the difference between Big Band songbooks being played before and after integration? It's stunning.

Lawrence Welk was nothing more than a roadblock. Well intentioned, I'm sure -- but nothing more than a roadblock to artistic progress.

I know that wasn't your question -- or your point. But the memory of Lawrence Welk sends chills up my spine and makes me want to vent.

He built a very nice resort in So. CA that I've visited several times -- and I'll admit that he did more for architecture than he ever did for music.

So, where's the humor in this?

Bobby Darin, Pat Boone, Elvis Presley, and Lawrence Welk.

[ancient kayaker]

It is Canada's fault anyway, for sending us the likes of William Shatner. :)

If William Shatner had been an American, what would you have done with him?

Hmm ... I can see this turning into a polling thread to find which country would come up with the best answer. Here's some suggestions to start you off -

England: well chaps, we have November 5th when we burn Guy Fawkes in effigy.
Israel: we'd make him our next Prime Minister.
Egypt: nah, I'm not gonna spoil it; come on Vulkyn, dip an oar in!

[wardd]

don't operate a boat under the influence of right wing propaganda

[apex1]

For threehundred pages this was the jokes thread...............

...it would be nice if you would come back on topic and delete your political opinions and religious arguments.

Richard

[srimes]

For threehundred pages this was the jokes thread...............

...it would be nice if you would come back on topic and delete your political opinions and religious arguments.

Richard

x2. The last 3 pages belong in the "global warming" thread.

[hoytedow]

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman’s face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny. The husband then donated some of his skin…however, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all,… this was a very delicate matter!

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty! She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he did.

She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!

He replied, “Oh don’t worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!

[Fanie]

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.



Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"

"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"

There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.

Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.


"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"

[Vulkyn]

ROFL .................. freaking FUNNY :D thx Fanie that made me smile !

[hoytedow]

I scream.
You scream.
We all scream,
For ice cream.

[wardd]

here's a joke, some people deny agw

[hoytedow]

here's a joke, some people deny agwI admit you are agwavating. hahahahahaha.

[troy2000]

I scream.
You scream.
We all scream,
For ice cream.

Less successful slogans in history:

I cuss,
You cuss,
We all Cuss
for asparagus.

[troy2000]

here's a joke, some people deny agw

Dear God. The climate thread has escaped, and is stalking us.

[hoytedow]

Rah rah ree kick 'em in the knee.



Rah rah rass kick 'em in the .....




























other knee.

[RHP]

The Pope was shot and wounded on the final day of his UK gig. He was rushed to hospital and wheeled to theatre for an emergency op.
He looked up at the porter at the end of the trolley and whispers "Am I in heaven?"

"No, mate", comes the reply "We're just taking a shortcut through the children's ward"

[Fanie]

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy.He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel.
He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire.. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his
birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ....What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame.... what a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.
And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'

[hoytedow]

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by a fierce Indian tribe. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a kayak. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.

The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over. There's blood everywhere, it's horrible.

The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???" The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your stinking kayak!"

[Vulkyn]

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy.He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel.
He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire.. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his
birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ....What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame.... what a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.
And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'

:D :D :D :D :D

[hoytedow]

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

[hoytedow]

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall
saying:

"Hi, how are you?" I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!" And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!" At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.

"Can I come over?" Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"Then I hear the guy say nervously... "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!"

[hoytedow]

A dog walks into this bar, jumps up on the stool and says to the bartender, "Hey barkeep, it's my birthday today. How 'bout a free drink?"

The bartender turns, looks at the dog and nods his head, "Sure pal, toilet's right down the hall."

[wardd]

a toadstool walks into a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says I cant serve you

toadstool says "why not i'm a fungui"

[hoytedow]

Wardd walks into a bar. Everybody else leaves.

[wardd]

come on hoy, stay, i'll by you a drink

[hoytedow]

I left long enough to swipe another joke. :

Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains.

However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it back up. After, he would go about his daily duties.

For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.

One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captains quarters. He opened the safe, got the envolope, opened it and...

The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper, two on two lines:

``Port Left, Starboard Right''

[Fanie]

Port Left, Starboard Right

Awesome :D

[hoytedow]

Keep an eye on her.

[ancient kayaker]

At least she hasn't got a nose for trouble.

[wardd]

come on hoy, you know you want to kiss her

[hoytedow]

Why did the pirate refuse to say, "Aye, Aye, Captain"? Because he's only got one eye.

[hoytedow]

What has 12 arms, 12 legs and 12 eyes? A dozen pirates.

[srimes]

What has 12 arms, 12 legs and 12 eyes? A dozen pirates.

:D

love it!

[srimes]

A baby seal walks into a club.

[troy2000]

A priest, a rabbi and a witch doctor walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, 'what is this, some kind of a joke?'

[EuroCanal]

A baby seal walks into a club.

A baby seal walks into a bar and asks for a Canadian club on the rocks.:)

[hoytedow]

A ship is called "she" because there is always a great deal
of bustle about her; there is usually a gang of men about',
she has a waist and stays; it takes a lot of paint to keep
her looking good; it is not the initial expense that breaks
you, it is the upkeep; she can be all decked out; it
takes an experienced man to handle her correctly, and
without a man at the helm, she is absolutely uncontrollable.
She shows her topsides, hides her bottom and, when coming
into port, always heads for the buoys.

[wardd]

there once was a small town that had one poor lawyer, then one day another lawyer came to town and with in a year they were both rich

[Fanie]

Johnny's Mother looked out the window and noticed
him "playing church" with their cat.
He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it.
She smiled and went about her work.

A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back
to the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water.
She called out, "Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!"

Johnny looked up at her and said,
"He should have thought about that before he joined my church."






little johnny sitting on the pavement with a bottle of battery acid,as the ants come by he drops a bit of acid on the ants and then giggles at them bubbling up.
a short while later the local priest walks by and sees what johnny is up to and decides to put a stop to it

the priest says to johnny lets swop my bottle of holy water for your bottle of acid,johnny asks what can your water do?,well says the priest if i rub this holy water on a woman's tummy she will pass a baby nine months later!!

little johnny replies agg thats nothing if i rub some of this acid on a cats buttl he pass a porsche

[Fanie]

Lady Gaga's meat dress...

[Fanie]

SA's answer to lady Gaga's meat dress...

[Landlubber]

SNAG...was supposed to be Sensitive New Age Guy......somehow it all went belly up

[hoytedow]

The Sisters Gag[sic] made the Brothers Grim[sic].

[hoytedow]

One day Little Johnny's mom was cleaning his room. In the closet, she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was *highly* upsetting to her. She hid the magazine until his father got home. When Little Johnny's father walked in the door, she irately handed the magazine to him, and said, "THIS is what I found in "your" son's closet."
He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.
Several minutes passed, then she finally asked him,
"Well what should we do about this?"
Little Johnny's dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

[apex1]

A team of archaeologists found a slab of rock with 5 figures carved on it, in order:

A Woman, A Donkey, A Shovel, A Fish, A Star of David.

After months of study, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were thousands of years old but even so, they revealed a lot about the people of that time.

The woman being placed first in the line of figures showed that women were held in very high esteem - most likely a family oriented culture.

They probably used the donkey to till the fields.
The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make tools.
The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea.
The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious group of people.

A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker.

When acknowledged he said, "I'm sorry to blow your conclusions but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from right to left.

That way it reads, "Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Chick!"

[hoytedow]

Zehr gut!

[apex1]

Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?





...... To get away from the noise.

[apex1]

A woman is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, "What horrible luck! What in the world should I do now?"

A gentleman next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?"

He walks away. Moments later, his he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won!

Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"

The operator replies, "I don't know, buddy.... She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!"

[apex1]

It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died.

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

[apex1]

Famous Quotes About The French

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." ~ General George S. Patton

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure" ~ Jacques Chirac, President of France

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it." ~ Marge Simpson

"As far as France is concerned, you're right." ~ Rush Limbaugh

"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it." ~ John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona

"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people." ~ Conan O'Brien

I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France! ~ Jay Leno

"What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against DisneyWorld and Big Macs than the Nazis?" ~ Dennis Miller

Did you see the new bomb the government came up with? It weights 21,000 pounds. The Air Force tested this bomb in Florida and the bomb blast was so strong at Disneyworld 25 French tourists surrendered. ~ Jay Leno

"Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that's because it was raining." ~ John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv.

In response to the recent terror attacks in Spain, the French government have raised their terror alert status from "Run" to "Hide". If attacks continue on the continent they may be forced to further increase the alert to "Surrender", or even as high as "Collaborate". ~ Jay Leno

[apex1]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was trudging through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried towards it, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted, "Infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie! I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK, OK" said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead... "Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"

[apex1]

"That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a neighbor.

"You didn't do it, did you?"

"I have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!"

[hoytedow]

You missed one. :)

“Well, it looks like we've moved a step closer to war. Not with Iraq. With France and Germany. How did we screw that one up?” Jay Leno

[hoytedow]

Ich muss gehen jetzt den Rasen zu mähen. No joke.

[apex1]

WOMEN'S RIGHTS

The following took place at an international conference for women's rights.

The first speaker, a lady from England stood and said, "During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our
husbands. Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself.
After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

(The crowd cheered).

The second speaker from Russia, stood up and said, "After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself.The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing,
but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well.

(The crowd again cheered).

The third speaker, a Jamaican lady, stood up and said," After lass year's conference, I wen home and tole dat lazy husband of mines, Dingo Jack, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin his tucker and washing his undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself.
(The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes).

She continued...........................



"Afta da first day, I nevah see nuffing.

Afta da second day I nevah see nuffing,



>Keep Scrolling

>

>

>

>


>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>but afta da fird day, I could see a little bit out of my leff eye."

[wardd]

The curser has been moved, windows will have to be restarted for the changes to take affect

[apex1]

City of Los Angeles
High School Math Proficiency Exam

Name: _______________________
Gang: _______________________

1. Dwayne has an AK47 with a 30 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive by shooting, how many drive by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload?

2. If Jose has two ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?

3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 per day crack habit?

4. Jarome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of Heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?

5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy and $100 for a 4x4. If he has stolen 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevy's will he have to steal to make $800?

6. ***** is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will he have left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing her since she spent his money?

7. If the average spray paint can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?

8. Hector knocked up six girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked u

[apex1]

Love Making Poem

Tyrone asked his work buddy, Robert, one morning, "Man, why you always so damn happy when you come to work every day?"

Robert replied, "That's because I make love to my wife every morning before work."

Amazed, Tyrone asked him how he gets his wife to make love to him every morning.

"That's easy," Robert said. "I just tell her this little poem that I made up. She loves it!.

It goes like this: "Blond hair, blond hair, eyes so blue. I love waking up and making love to you!"

Tyrone said, "Man, you white guys are so damn sentimental." But he decided it wouldn't hurt to give it a try. So he spent the rest of the day thinking of a poem for his wife. The next day Tyrone showed up to work just beat to hell, bruised eyes, broken nose, fat lip, the works!!

Robert asked, "Man, what happened to you?!"

Tyrone said, "I don't know, man. I went home and tried your advice. I just told her a poem."

"Well, what poem did you tell her?"

Tyrone said: "Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog. If I could roll your fat ass over, I'd hump you like a dog!"

[wardd]

during ww1 a french, english and an american general were discussing their armies and bragging about the bravery of their troops

the french general ordered a french private to charge the german line, the french private snapped a salute, grabbed his rifel and charged and was immediately gunned down

the english general ordered an english private to charge a german field gun bare handed, when he did he was immediately blown to bits

the english general said "now that's bravery"

the american general the told the other two , that's nothing then told an american private to charge the germans

the american private after seeing what had happened to the first 2 told the general to go screw his self

said the american general, " gentleman , that's real bravery

[apex1]

http://www.funnyandjokes.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/10/marvin.jpg

yeahh......

[ancient kayaker]

during ww1 a french, english and an american general were discussing their armies and bragging about the bravery of their troops

the french general ordered a french private to charge the german line, the french private snapped a salute, grabbed his rifel and charged and was immediately gunned down

the english general ordered an english private to charge a german field gun bare handed, when he did he was immediately blown to bits

the english general said "now that's bravery"

the american general the told the other two , that's nothing then told an american private to charge the germans

the american private after seeing what had happened to the first 2 told the general to go screw his self

said the american general, " gentleman , that's real bravery

A Scottish general, standing close by, observed all that. Then he turned to one of his troopers and ordered him to charge the germans.
>

>

>

>


>

>

>

>

>

>

>

"Hoo much d'ye wan' I should charrrge 'em" he asked.

[hoytedow]

A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken.

There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbour's. Clyde Moore

Will - Why do you water your lawn with whisky?
Guy - So that it comes up half-cut.

My neighbour Bill asked if he could use my lawnmower. I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

What do you call someone who used to like tractors?
An extractor fan.

What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said. But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place - the grass is almost a foot high!"

[hoytedow]

The Rabbi Lawn Mower Joke
A rabbi retired and moved to the country to enjoy life and practice his hobby of yard work. Needing a lawn mower, he headed into town to buy one. On the way he saw a sign advertising a lawn mower for sale. He stopped at the house and a young lad came out to greet him. The rabbi asked about the lawn mower and the kid said it was behind
the house.

The two went to look at the lawn mower. The engine was sputtering along at idle speed. The rabbi increased the speed of the engine and mowed a few strips. Satisfied that the mower would do the job they settled on a price of $25.00.

Later in the day, the young lad was riding his bicycle when he spied the rabbi pulling on the engine starter rope.

The kid stopped and watched for a couple of minutes. He asked, "What's wrong?"

The reply came, "I can't get this mower started. Do you know how?"

The kid said, "Yep."

"Well, how do you do it? Tell me!", the rabbi yelled.

The kid replied, "You have to cuss it."

The rabbi rose up indignantly. "Now you listen here. I am a rabbi and if I ever did cuss, not saying I have, I've forgotten how to do it after all these years."

With a wise look on his face well beyond his years, the kid said, "Rabbi, you keep on pulling that rope and it'll all come back to ya."

[hoytedow]

A Cowboy's Guide To A Happy Life
1. Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.
2. There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
3. Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
4. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
5. Never ask a man the size of his spread.
6. If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
7. Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
8. Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. Always drink upstream from the herd.
11. When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they already learned that lesson.
12. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.
13. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

[apex1]

A Scottish general, standing close by, observed all that. Then he turned to one of his troopers and ordered him to charge the germans.
>
>
"Hoo much d'ye wan' I should charrrge 'em" he asked.

>
>
>
>
>
...then the English, French, Scottish and American generals asked a Italian to do as they did.....
>
>
>
>
>
>

"we first have to become their allies" the Italian replied.

[hoytedow]

And then this happened...: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aCTAItElhCQ

[hoytedow]

Disclaimer: All jokes on this thread may be told on board a vessel, no, a boat.

[apex1]

Disclaimer: All jokes on this thread may be told on board a vessel.

No no Hoyt!

That cheap trick, palming off the members here with your dirty jokes, does not function.

It has to be a boat! Not a vessel...................:cool:

[ancient kayaker]

No no Hoyt!

That cheap trick, palming off the members here with your dirty jokes, does not function.

It has to be a boat! Not a vessel...................:cool:

Agreed: there are many jokes here I will not tell on my next cruise!

[wardd]

Agreed: there are many jokes here I will not tell on my next cruise!

yea, some are pretty lame

[hoytedow]

Yeah I guess you're right. It would be better to be keel-hauled on a boat than on a ship. :D

[apex1]

yea, some are pretty lame

Yeah, I have noticed that.

But what can I do? When I read them, I find them funny, but when I copy and paste them, the pepper is halfways gone...:D

[wardd]

Yeah, I have noticed that.

But what can I do? When I read them, I find them funny, but when I copy and paste them, the pepper is halfways gone...:D

leave the jokes to the pros

you do something simple like build boats

[apex1]

Ok...........

[hoytedow]

leave the jokes to the pros

you do something simple like build boatsI thought his jokes were great!:D Yours, however...:rolleyes:

[hoytedow]

Why does wardd like lightning?




He thinks someone is trying to take his picture.

[hoytedow]

Wardd got an AM radio, but he thinks he can only play it in the morning.

[hoytedow]

If you wanted wardd to laugh at your joke today, you should have told it to him last Saturday.

[wardd]

If you wanted wardd to laugh at your joke today, you should have told it to him last Saturday.


you forgot, add pictures

[srimes]

An Irishman enters a pub and sits down to have a beer, the bartender seeing the man is melancholy asks the man "and whats wrong that has ruined this fine day for you lad?".
The Irishman(gesturing towards the window) replies," you see those fences out there? I built those fences with me bare hands, but do they call me Mcready the fencebuilder? No...they dont" The bartender says" Wow, thats really tough, sorry for you laddy".

Gesturing again to the window, Mcready says," And do you see those boats down in the harbor? I built those boats with me bare hands, but do they call me Mcready the boat builder? No...they dont." Again the bartender says," Sorry Mcready, that really sucks"

Cutting the bartender off and gesturing toward the window one last time, Mcready says" and do you see all those houses out there? I built them houses with me bare hands, but do they call me Mcready te house builder? No,they dont.......BUT YOU **** ONE GOAT!....

[Vulkyn]

leave the jokes to the pros

you do something simple like build boats

In other words keep going Apex, wardd will stop telling jokes and boat building from now on .... :D

[rxcomposite]

Wardd got an AM radio, but he thinks he can only play it in the morning.

Get an AM/FM radio then.

[Vulkyn]

Get an AM/FM radio then.

That means he will play it in the morning and get confused in the afternoon :D

[latestarter]

If someone could invent an AM/PM radio they could clean up.

[hoytedow]

As long as it isn't an AMS/PMS radio it'll be good.

[apex1]

In other words keep going Apex, wardd will stop telling jokes and boat building from now on .... :D

Ahh no,

I am fine with the simple stuff.

And Ward should buy a SW radio, that works at least half of the year. Summer and Winter..........:D

[wardd]

Ahh no,

I am fine with the simple stuff.

And Ward should buy a SW radio, that works at least half of the year. Summer and Winter..........:D

I am fine with 2 cans and a piece of string

[hoytedow]

Why did the duck walk on the telephone wire?




She wanted to lay it on the line!

[Fanie]

A young wife, who was becoming frustrated with her young husbands constant
demands for sex, decides to make a schedule for him.

While getting ready for work, she writes on a piece of paper, "Honey, you
know I love you, but your never ending requests for sex are leaving me
drained and really tired. So I propose that we only have sex on days that
start with the letter 'T', to minimise the frequency of our lovemaking
sessions. Don't be mad at me honey, just understand where I am coming from,
and let me know if my request is too demanding of you."

She sticks the note to the fridge door, hoping that her sex craved husband will
be understanding and accepting of her proposal when he reads it.

Upon returning home, she glances at the refrigerator and notices that her
note has been replaced with a note from her husband that reads, "Baby, I
didn't' realise that I was putting you under so much pressure and I'm sorry.

I accept your proposal and have even taken the extra step of listing at the
bottom of this letter, those days starting with the letter 'T' to make sure
that we are on the same page.

Tonday
Tuesday
Tednesday
Thursday
Triday
Taturday
Tunday

[apex1]

Today and Tomorrow would have done...............

[hoytedow]

A man and a couple of his friends had just finished a round of golf at the country club and they were changing their shoes when a cell phone on the bench rang. The man picked it up and answered it. "Hi honey," said the woman on the other end. "Hi honey," replied the man. "I was just calling to tell you about this fur coat I found today. It's beautiful fox fur and I just love the way it looks on me. It's on sale too, a real bargain. It's down to $2000 from $4000. Can I get it?" The man thought about it for a sec and said, "You're sure it's a good deal?" "Oh yes," replied the woman. "Okay then, I guess you can get it," replied the man. The woman continued,"Oh, and you know how we've been thinking about getting rid of the Lexus and getting a new Jaguar? Well, I went to the dealership today and the guy gave me a real deal. He said he'd lower the price from $50,000 to $35,000 just for me. Can I get it?" The man thought a little harder and said,"If you're sure it's a good deal, then yes, go ahead and get the Jaguar." The woman continued again. "Oh, one last thing, honey. Remember that house we saw last month that we really liked, but decided we'd wait and think about? Well, it's on the market again, so I checked the price. It's down to $450,000 and I checked with the bank and we have enough in the checking account so that I can just write a check. Should I get it?" The man got a frown on his face and said,"See if you can get them down to $420,000. If they'll go down to that, go ahead and get it." The woman was extremely excited. "Okay honey, thank you so much! I'll see you when I get home! Bye!" "Bye," said the man. He hung up the phone and looked at the other men in the locker room and said, "Does anyone know whose phone this is?"

[Angélique]

http://www.funnyandjokes.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/10/marvin.jpg

yeahh......

Some women do have something to complain Richard . . . . .

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_qN-LZxp3Nh8/TIU-huskwVI/AAAAAAAAHYs/NxNJ2BUF6OM/s1600/antras-sebasmos-3.jpg

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_qN-LZxp3Nh8/TIVBDqnNEeI/AAAAAAAAHZM/jgT8E8zi-mI/s1600/antras-sebasmos.jpg

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_qN-LZxp3Nh8/TIU-s6eFfBI/AAAAAAAAHY0/GV-6OTPMkS0/s1600/antras-sebasmos-8.jpg

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_qN-LZxp3Nh8/TIVBQsAGSoI/AAAAAAAAHZU/7vm8md9XsKk/s1600/antras-sebasmos-11-433x500.jpg

I know Richard can read Greek, so here's the story (http://meligesarades.blogspot.com/2010/09/blog-post_06.html) . . . . .

For those who can't, here's the translation (http://translate.google.com/translate?js=n&prev=_t&hl=nl&ie=UTF-8&layout=2&eotf=1&sl=el&tl=en&u=http%3A%2F%2Fmeligesarades.blogspot.com%2F2010%2F09%2Fblog-post_06.html) . . . . . . .

Cheers ;)
Angel

[wardd]

Some women do have something to complain Richard . . . . .

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_qN-LZxp3Nh8/TIU-huskwVI/AAAAAAAAHYs/NxNJ2BUF6OM/s1600/antras-sebasmos-3.jpg

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_qN-LZxp3Nh8/TIVBDqnNEeI/AAAAAAAAHZM/jgT8E8zi-mI/s1600/antras-sebasmos.jpg

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_qN-LZxp3Nh8/TIU-s6eFfBI/AAAAAAAAHY0/GV-6OTPMkS0/s1600/antras-sebasmos-8.jpg

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_qN-LZxp3Nh8/TIVBQsAGSoI/AAAAAAAAHZU/7vm8md9XsKk/s1600/antras-sebasmos-11-433x500.jpg

I know Richard can read Greek, so here's the story (http://meligesarades.blogspot.com/2010/09/blog-post_06.html) . . . . .

For those who can't here's the translation (http://translate.google.com/translate?js=n&prev=_t&hl=nl&ie=UTF-8&layout=2&eotf=1&sl=el&tl=en&u=http%3A%2F%2Fmeligesarades.blogspot.com%2F2010%2F09%2Fblog-post_06.html) . . . . . . .

Cheers ;)
Angel


I fail to see your point

[Angélique]

I fail to see your point

I know, that's not given to all . . . :P

Cheers :p
Angel

[ancient kayaker]

Some women do have something to complain Richard ...

Phone numbers, Angélique, we need phone numbers ...

[RHP]

A man goes to the doctor with a bad back.
"How did you get it?" asks the Doctor.
"Having sex doggy style!" says the man.
"Why not have sex the normal way?" asks Doctor.
"I have" says the man "but the dog keeps licking my face!"

[Angélique]

Phone numbers, Angélique, we need phone numbers ...

There (http://www.google.com/search?rls=en&q=woman+complain+phone+number&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8)you go . . . . . . :p

http://cdn.sheknows.com/articles/woman-complaining-phone.jpg

[Vulkyn]

Lol .. :D

[apex1]

Some women do have something to complain Richard . . . . .

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_qN-LZxp3Nh8/TIU-huskwVI/AAAAAAAAHYs/NxNJ2BUF6OM/s1600/antras-sebasmos-3.jpg
Cheers ;)
Angel

I agree Angélique.

This one would have a much better life with me! Or at least much better quality lumber........

Don´t say I am a chauvinist, I am not!
My woman always had the right to express their opinions and feelings, free and open!!!

>

>

>
just not in my presence..


>


>



>









>




and not all together!...............:D

[wardd]

Women are ok, every man should own at least one

[Vulkyn]

or more up to 4 (why would any one want more than one wife is beyond me ....)

[apex1]

or more up to 4 (why would any one want more than one wife is beyond me ....)

Well, I never wanted, but who would cope with all the children, if not their mothers?

[Vulkyn]

Well, I never wanted, but who would cope with all the children, if not their mothers?

OK thats even worse ..... lol ..... equivalent of putting a 300 HP outboard on a kayak, blind folding yourself and deciding to take a trip around the world with a 1 liter bottle of water and 1 potato chip bag for rations ......

[brian eiland]

Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women


And here we go...

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.



And the Number One reason
Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....

#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun!

[brian eiland]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.
She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.


She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be an Obama Democrat."
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are--- or where you are going. You've risen to where you are , due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem.


You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault

[RHP]

A Scot was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.


He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just
produced a typical Scottish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.


Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man
just shrugs,


"That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical
Highland baby boy.."


Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.. The bartender says,


"Say, you're the father of that typical Scottish baby that weighed 25 pounds at
birth, aren't you?


Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks ... so how
much does he weigh now?


The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds".


The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened"?


"He was 25 pounds the day he was born."


The father takes a slow swig from his Johnny Walker Whisky, wipes his lips on
his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him
circumcised".

[wardd]

a Scottish Sargent major walks into a pharmacists and takes a folded piece of paper out of his sporran unfolds it and takes out a condom and lays it on the counter and asks the pharmacist "how much for a new one"

pharmacist " one pound ten"

sergeant " how much to have it repaired"

pharmacist " one pound"

Sargent wrapping the condom back up " i'll be back"

the next day the sergeant is back " the battalion wants this one repaired"

[Brent Swain]

What I find extremely hilarious, is seeing PD Wiley spend months doing what he could have done in a few days, because someone told him "The hard way is the only proper way to do things.."
Schadenfreude? Works for me!

[MikeJohns]

Sour grapes.
Because PDW was going to build one of your foldups but dumped your idea for one of Tom Colvins 'designs', and explained to you just where you fell very very short.

Lots of people have followed suit since the whole Brent Swain Origami cottage industry was exposed for the dishonesty so prevalent in it's marketing.

Like the post you just made you try and target the ignorant and the gullible, and that's not funny at all and doesn't belong in this thread.

[troy2000]

What I find extremely hilarious, is seeing PD Wiley spend months doing what he could have done in a few days, because someone told him "The hard way is the only proper way to do things.."
Schadenfreude? Works for me!

You have no class at all, do you? You're tacky to the bone....:(

[brian eiland]

One day, in line at the tug boat company's cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."

"Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.."






That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. And If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

"Thank you for shopping @ Walmart"

[ancient kayaker]

Just thought you would like to know: the World doesn't end on December 21, 2012 as "predicted" by the end of the Mayan calendar. It's just that the archiologists haven't found volume II yet.

[Fanie]

You have an ex ?

[troy2000]

A fire department in Tennessee recently did just that: watched a house burn down with all the owner's possessions (and his cats and dogs), because he hadn't paid the $75 annual fee they charge for coverage outside the town. They showed up, but only to wet down the neighbor's yard up to the fence line, to make sure his property didn't catch fire.

I don't understand why they didn't just write a contract with the country for coverage, since there's no fire department. That way it could be covered by property taxes, instead of having to bill each and every county resident individually.

[wardd]

A fire department in Tennessee recently did just that: watched a house burn down with all the owner's possessions (and his cats and dogs), because he hadn't paid the $75 annual fee they charge for coverage outside the town. They showed up, but only to wet down the neighbor's yard up to the fence line, to make sure his property didn't catch fire.

I don't understand why they didn't just write a contract with the country for coverage, since there's no fire department. That way it could be covered by property taxes, instead of having to bill each and every county resident individually.

that would be letting government do it and we all know how inefficient government is, why houses would be burning down

[ancient kayaker]

A Christian man and his wife were hoping to have a child, but they had been unsucessful for years. Since their local pastor was going to the Holy Land, they asked him to light a candle for them while he was there. Shortly afterwards the man got a really good job in Chicago so the couple moved there.

About 10 years later the pastor was visiting Chicago and decided to visit his former parishioners to see how they were doing. The wife greeted him at the door, surrounded by their 5 children. The pastor was delighted that they had finally had a family, and enquired after her husband, and she explained that he was very well, but was visiting the Holy Land at that time.

"How nice for him, I supposed he wants to give thanks for all your wonderful children" said the pastor.

"Yes" she replied, "also he wants to blow out that damned candle"

[lewisboats]

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I was standing in front of the mirror complaining to
my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a
suggestion.
'If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'
Willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
'How long will this take?' I asked.
'They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies. I
stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my
breasts every day will make my breasts grow larger over the years?'

Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your a$$, didn't it?'

He's still alive, and with a great deal of physical therapy, he may even
walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a
straw. Stupid, stupid man.

[RHough]

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

[thudpucker]

The Retired Nun was living in a second floor apartment.
She was annoyed at the language of the workmen tearing down the building next door.
She decided to 'control' it a bit. She packed a lunch, went to the workers gathering about Noon the next day.

All the workmen were stumped and very quiet. Staring at each other in wonder.
She broke the silence with a question:
" Do any of you Gentlemen know Jesus Christ?"

They all looked back and forth....one of them stood up and yelled down at the other workmen: "Do any of you guys know Jeses Christ?"
"No" the answer came back, "Why".

The worker yelled back: "Because his Wife's here with his Lunch!"

[RHP]

My mate who suffers from premature ejaculation has gone into hospital to have it sorted, his wife rang them last night to see how he was and the nurse said it was still touch and go.

[Fanie]

For those of you that wants to work more accurate...

I told you metrics was better ;)

[wardd]

For those of you that wants to work more accurate...


what happens to that unit of measure if we go metric?

[Fanie]

A LOT more accurate of course :D

If you work to the nearest inch and I work to the nearest mm of course my things will be more accurate :D

The-hen, if you use that tape measure you can work almost to the nearest angstrom... which is second best of course but only because they haven't made the angstrom tape measure yet.

[hoytedow]

A LOT more accurate of course :D

If you work to the nearest inch and I work to the nearest mm of course my things will be more accurate :D

The-hen, if you use that tape measure you can work almost to the nearest angstrom... which is second best of course but only because they haven't made the angstrom tape measure yet.Only because they havent found a small enough spring. :)

[troy2000]

A LOT more accurate of course :D

If you work to the nearest inch and I work to the nearest mm of course my things will be more accurate :D

The-hen, if you use that tape measure you can work almost to the nearest angstrom... which is second best of course but only because they haven't made the angstrom tape measure yet.

When I was a carpenter, we also had RCH as a measurement. That would be a red one, which is just a coarser than a regular one....;)

[sean-nós]

Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, “Nothing”. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour I don't know why he didn't say, “I love you too”. When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.



His Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure out why, got laid though.

[latestarter]

what happens to that unit of measure if we go metric?

Centhairs?

[Fanie]

Yes, gent's hairs.

[wardd]

Yes, gent's hairs.


then I'll stick to inches


after all everybody knows what 6" is, especially women

[ancient kayaker]

remember to wash your hands afterwards ...

[Fanie]

How can you measure anything if you stick to it ?

And only 6" ? What went wrong :D

And then, can wiemen tell how many inches ?
My guess is you will always 'fall short' (good grief who thought this language up any ways :confused:)

[Fanie]

remember to wash your hands afterwards ...
You mean wash your mouth ;)

[ancient kayaker]

You mean wash your mouth ;)

- too late, he already swallowed ...:p

[RHP]

"Mustn't look at her ass, mustn't look at her ass, mustn't look at her ass......."

Part of his 12 Step Program from AA, "Asses Anonymous "

[Fanie]

I saw a motor yacht in Newport a couple of years ago and when I asked how it got its name, was told that the owner asked his wife what she wanted for her birthday. It was called 'Pearl Necklace'
Unfortunately he probably did not understand that saying has another meaning in the rest of the world outside the US !!!

[Fanie]

A cop was patrolling at night at a local lovers lane. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light on.. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window "Uh, yes, officer?"

"What are you doing?"

"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine, sir "

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And
her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover
sweater."

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at
night in a lovers' lane. And nothing obscene is happening! "What's your
age, young man?"

"I'm 25, sir."

"And her ... what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies:

"She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

[Fanie]

The 5 Secrets to a Perfect Relationship...

..1 It's important to have a woman who helps at home,
cooks, cleans & has a job.

..2 It's important have a woman who can make you
laugh.

..3 It's important to have a woman who you can
trust and doesn't lie.

..4 It's important to have a woman who is good in bed
and likes being with you.

..5 It's very, very important that these four women
don't know each other.

[Fanie]

An architect, an artist, and an engineer were sitting at lunch one day, and they were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?" queried the others, in surprise.

"Sure," said the engineer. "If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each think that you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

[Fanie]

In french engineer is "ingénieur", and the abbreviation is therefore "ing."
What does "ing" stand for? "Intelligence Non Garantie" (Intelligence Not Garanteed).

[Fanie]

Nautical Terms:

Ahoy
The first in a series of four letter words commonly exchanged by skippers as their boats approach one another

Bar
Long. Low lying navigational hazard, usually awash, found at river mouths and harbour entrances, where it is composed of sand or mud, and ashore, where it is made of mahogany or some other dark wood. Sailors can be found in large numbers around both.

Boom
A Laterally mounted spar to which a sail is fastened, used during jibing to shift crew members to a fixed, horizontal position.

Bulkhead
Discomfort suffered by sailors who drink too much

Cabin
A cramped, closet like compartment below decks where crew members may be stored – on their sides if large or on end if small – until needed.

Calm
Sea condition characterised by the simultaneous disappearance of the wind and the last cold beer

Channel
Narrow stretch of deep or dredged waterway bordered by buoys or markers that separates two or more grounded boats

Current
Tidal flow that carries a boat away from it desired destination or toward a hazard.

Fitting Out
Series of maintenance tasks performed on boats ashore during good weather weekends in spring and summer months to make them ready for winter storage.

Flipper
Rubber swimming aid worn on the feet. Usually available in two sizes, 3 and 17

Flotsam
Anything floating in the water from which there is no response when an offer of a cocktail is made.

Fluke
The portion of an anchor that digs securely into the bottom: also, any occasion when this happens on the first try.

Galley
Ancient: Aspect of seafaring associated with slavery.
Modern: Aspect of seafaring associated with slavery

Gear
Generic term for any pieces of boating equipment that can be forgotten in the back-seat or boot of a car, left behind on a pontoon, soaked in the bottom of a dinghy or lost over the side of the boat.

Gimbals
Movable mountings often found on shipboards lamps, compasses etc which provide dieting passengers an opportunity to observe the true motions of the ship in relation to them, and thus prevent any recently ingested food from remaining in their digestive systems long enough to be converted into unwanted calories.

Grounding
Embarrassing situation in which a sailor returns to shore without leaving his boat.

Hatch
An opening in a deck leading to the cabin below with a cover designed to let water in while keeping fresh air out.

Hull speed
The maximum theoretical velocity of a given boat through the water, which is 1.5 times the square root of its waterline length in feet, divided by the distance to port in miles, minus the time in hours to sunset cubed.

Jibe
Course change which causes the boom to sweep rapidly across the cockpit; also, frequent type of comment made by observers of this manoeuvre.

Lanyard
A light line attached to a small article so that it can be secured somewhere well out of reach.

Leeward
The direction in which objects, liquids and other matter may be thrown without risk of re encountering them in the immediate future.

Life jacket
Any personal floatation device that will keep an individual who has fallen off a vessel, above water long enough to be run over by it or another rescue craft.

Mizzen
The shorter aft mast on a yawl or ketch. Any mast that is no longer there.

Moon
Earth’s natural satellite. During periods when it displays a vivid blue colour, sailing conditions are generally favourable.

Motor sailer
A hybrid boat that combines the simplicity and reliability of sail power with the calm and serenity of a throbbing engine.

Ocean racing
Demanding form of sailing practised by sportsman whose idea of a good time is standing under an ice cold shower, fully clothed while re examining there last meal.

Passage
Basically a voyage from point A to point B, interrupted by unexpected landfalls or stopovers at point K, point Q, and point Z.

Pontoon
Harbour landing place that goes crack, crunch when hit

Pilotage
The art of getting lost in sight of land, as opposed to the distinct and far more complex science of navigation used to get lost in offshore waters.

Port
1. Left on a boat.
2. A place you wish you never left on a boat.

Propeller
Underwater winch designed to wind up at high speeds any lines left hanging over the stern.

Radar
Extremely realistic kind of electronic game often found on larger sailboats. Players try to avoid colliding with “blips” which represent other sailboats, large container ships and oil tankers.

Regatta
Organised sailing competition that pits yours against your opponents’ luck.

Sailing
The find art of getting wet and becoming ill while slowly going nowhere at great expense.

Satellite Navigation
Sophisticated electronic location method that enables sailors to instantly determine the exact latitude and longitude, within just a few feet, anywhere on the surface of the surface of the earth, of whatever it was they just ran aground on.

Single handed sailing
The only situation in which the skipper does not immediately blame the crew for every single thing that goes wrong

Spinnaker
Large beautiful balloon shaped sail used in powerful downwind sailing, collapses at the sides to make control difficult and when lowered stores neatly into the galley and main cabin and heads all at the same time.

Tides
The rise and fall of ocean waters. There are two tides of interest to mariners: the ebb tide sailors encounter as they attempt to enter port and the flood tide they experience as they try to leave.

Yardarm
Horizontal spar mounted in such a way that when viewed from the cockpit, the sun is always over it.

[Fanie]

A pastor, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys!? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hi Goerge," said the pastor. "Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The golfers were silent for a moment. Then the pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anthing that he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

[Fanie]

A Scotsman comes to Canada aboard a ship and then attends his first baseball game.
The first batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings and then hits a double. Everyone is on their feet screaming "Run"
The next batter hits a single. The Scotsman listens as the crowd again cheers "RUN RUN" The Scotsman is enjoying the game and begins screaming with the fans.
The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by. The Umpire calls:"Walk."
The batter starts his slow trot to first base.
The Scot stands up and screams, "Run ye lazy *******, rrrun!"
The people around him begin laughing. Embarrassed, the Scot sits back down.
A friendly fan notes the man's embarrassment, leans over and explains,
"He can't run -- he's got four balls."
The Scot stands up and screams:
"Walk with pride, Laddie!"

[RHP]

Top 50 jokes:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/theatre/comedy/8078185/Tommy-Cooper-dominates-list-of-best-jokes.html

[thudpucker]

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers,
went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn
about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly
to see the horses.

>
>When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that
the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one
of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
>
>Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and
began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees'
to direct the flow away from their clothes.
>
>As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well
endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You
must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow
in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'

[rednev]

what happens to that unit of measure if we go metric?

The problem is that there is two two pubic hair systems of measurement.
The russian one used in the ussr and former soviet satelitghts,based on olga from the volga.
And the much finer one used by nato countries based on inga from sveden.
The two systems are not interchangeable.

[RHP]

One day, long, long ago and in a land far, far away, women were always happy and never complained, or nagged, and life was peaceful and quiet.




But it was only one day, and it was long, long ago and far, far away.

[Fanie]

Gauteng Police just announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi automatic rifles with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 10 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 2 tonnes of heroin, R80 million in forged South African banknotes and 25 trafficked Nigerian prostitutes all in a block of flats behind the Hillbrow Public Library.

Local residents were stunned.

A community spokesman said: "We're shocked. We never knew we had a Library!!"

[RHP]

I got a new stick deodorant today.

The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.

I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.

[wardd]

One day, long, long ago and in a land far, far away, women were always happy and never complained, or nagged, and life was peaceful and quiet.




But it was only one day, and it was long, long ago and far, far away.


good girls need to be spanked too

[RHP]

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a
large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.


If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write ‘Spaghetti’ on the back.

He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
‘Honey’, she said, ‘you received a very strange post card today’.
‘Oh, really? Let me see…’, he said.
The wife gave it to him and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

‘Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Two with meatballs, one without.
Send extra sauce.’
__________________

[RHP]

On the day of the her wedding, Sophie was getting dressed surrounded by her family when she suddenly realized she had forgotten to purchase shoes for the day. She panicked.

Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day.
Unfortunately, they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over, Sophie's feet were in agony.
When she and her new husband withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.

The rest of the husband's family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they roughly heard what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream.

Eventually they heard him say, "God, that was tight."
"There," his mother whispered, "I told you she was a virgin."
Then, to their surprise, they heard him say. "Right. Now for the other one," followed by more grunting and straining, and at last he said "My God. That was even tighter."
"That's my boy," said his father. "Once a sailor, always a sailor."

[hoytedow]

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/washington/2010/10/barbara-boxer-david-zucker-.html

[Fanie]

Two guys unexpectedly came face to face with a lion in the bush. While the
three were starring at each other in the moment of surprise the one guy slowly
bent down and started tying his shoe laces.
Wat are you doing, do you think you can run outrun the lion the other asks
No I don't, I just need to run faster than you... !

[peter radclyffe]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8I5KmlXCLIk

[rxcomposite]

Two guys unexpectedly came face to face with a lion in the bush. While the
three were starring at each other in the moment of surprise the one guy slowly
bent down and started tying his shoe laces.
Wat are you doing, do you think you can run outrun the lion the other asks
No I don't, I just need to run faster than you... !

Great logic! The lion needs to catch only one.

[wardd]

what about desert?

[cthippo]

Question: What is 1+1?

Mathematician: 1+1=2

Classical Physicist: 1+1=2

Quantum physicist: In most circumstances 1+1=2, but with quantum uncertainty there are situations where another answer is possible.

Psychologist: Yes, 1+1=2, how do you feel about that? Does it bring up issues for you?

Naval Architect: There's not enough information to answer the question until you complete a full SOR

[rxcomposite]

Only if the other one is sweet and young.:D

[ancient kayaker]

Computer engineer: 1 + 1 = 10
Geneticist: 1 + 1 = either 1 or the other 1
Shopper: here dear, carry both bags, it will help you balance
Rabbits and boats: 1 + 1 = lots *

* "boats are like rabbits: you can have one or many but you can't have two" - attributed to Aristotle Onassis

[Fanie]

Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping Pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you

[Fanie]

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,
So I'd be in your hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,
So I could have a new one every day.

[Fanie]

Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are..
Husband: You should have known it the minute I asked you to marry me.

[Fanie]

A man in Hell asked Devil:
Can I make a call to my Wife?
After making call he asked how much to pay.
Devil : Nothing, Hell to hell is Free

[hoytedow]

:p :p

[rxcomposite]

Man at a houseblessing: I must apologize for the decor, my wife has a very poor taste.

Guest: I can tell. Look at the man she married.

[rxcomposite]

Hoyt,

There was a captain who had the word Port tatooed on his left palm, Starboard on his right palm so he would not be confused. But then he got assigned to a tugboat and sat on the winch control chair located aft of bridge.

All hell broke loose.:P

[hoytedow]

Hoyt,

There was a captain who had the word Port tatooed on his left palm, Starboard on his right palm so he would not be confused. But then he got assigned to a tugboat and sat on the winch control chair located aft of bridge.

All hell broke loose.:P:P:P:P

[peter radclyffe]

http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.dailymail.co.uk%2Fnews%2Farticle-1324579%2FBen-Jones-catamaran-skipper-tells-terrifying-hour-ordeal-capsizing-Atlantic.html&h=be8f5

[rxcomposite]

When I was young, I was told, when somebody slaps you in the face, turn the other cheek around.

Now that I am older, I find it best that when slapped,



to turn the other cheek against the shoulder,






To throw an effective straight cut!

[wardd]

the way it should be

[RHP]

Wonderful...... :D

[RHP]

A pal of mine took a prescription to the chemist earlier today and asked him if he could make something up for him

He replied "Frank Sinatra was in here this morning."

[ancient kayaker]

- that's nothing, I just missed Elvis!

[peter radclyffe]

http://www.facebook.com/#

[hoytedow]

Guy asked the banker, "Can you float a loan?"
Banker replied, "Are you kidding? I can't even swim!"

[apex1]

For all those members using their PC at work to visit this Forum.:p

(all the others will not have the time to wade through this one):D

Richard


Sailors dictionary (the long version) part one

Abandon:
Wild state in which a sailor acquires a boat.

Aboard:
1). A piece of construction lumber.
2). What one becomes when one is a-uninterested.

Above Board:
Above decks, therfore, meaning to be out in the open, visible to all; honest, straight forward, etc.

Abreast:
An object searched for by male lookouts. Only one?

Afterguy:
Last guy out of the bar.

American Practical Navigator (Bowditch):
Ancient nautical treatise, generally though to deal with navigation, which to the present day has resisted all attempts to decipher it. Often found on board ship as a decorative element or paperweight.

Amidships:
Condition of being surrounded by boats.

Anchor:
1). Any of a number of heavy, hook-shaped devices that is dropped over the side of the boat on the end of a length of rope and/or chain, and which is designed to hold a vessel securely in place until (a) the wind exceeds 2 knots, (b) the owner and crew depart, or (c) 3 a.m.
2.) A device designed to bring up mud samples from the bottom at inopportune or unexpected times.
3). The thing rotting in the bilge of every racing yacht (unseen).

Anchor Light:
A small light used to discharge the battery before daylight.

Azimuth Bar:
Where Azimuths hang out.

Backstay:
1). What unsteady folks should do in heavy weather.
2). The last thing to grab as your falling overboard.

Baggywrinkle:
Effect of sun and salt spray on your face.

Bar:
1). Long, low-lying navigational hazard, usually awash, found at river mouths and harbor entrances, where it is composed of sand or mud, and ashore, where it is made of mahogany or some other dark wood. Sailors can be found in large numbers around both.
2). Land based nesting and pre-mating natural habitat frequented by sailors when they force themselves to go ashore.

Bare Boat:
Clothing optional or sailing naked.

Bar Buoy:
What you will be looking for to lead you to a good time.

Bare Poles:
Sailing with unclothed persons from Eastern Europe.

Barometer:
Meteorological instrument which sailors use to confirm the onset of bad weather. It's readings, together with heavy rain, severe rolling, high winds, dark skies and deep cloud cover indicate the presence of a storm.

Battery:
Electrochemical storage device capable of lighting a lamp of wattage approximately equal to that of a refrigerator lamp for a period of 15 minutes after having been charged for two hours.

Beam Sea:
A situation in which waves strike a boat from the side, causing it to roll unpleasantly. This is one of the four directions from which wave action tends to produce extreme physical discomfort. The other three are `bow sea' (waves striking from the front), `following sea' (waves striking from the rear), and `quarter sea' (waves striking from any other direction).

Beating to windward:
A method of flogging crew to increase upwind performance when racing.

Berth:
1). Any horizontal surface whose total area does not exceed one half of the surface area of an average man at rest, onto which at least one liter of some liquid seeps during any 12-hour period and above which there are not less than 10 kilograms of improperly secured objects.
2). Little newborn addition to the crew.
3). Sometimes the result of removing the last article of clothing.

Bifurcation Buoy:
Buoy that you can't tell if its coming or going.

Binoculars:
Entertainig shipboard kaleidoscope which when held up to the light reveals interesting patterns caused by salt spray scratches and thumb prints. Uncapped, its lens may be used to collect small amounts of salt from spray through evaporation.

Bitter End:
1) Finish of a race when you are last over the line.
2) Wrong end of a siphon hose.
3) Time to alert the bartender in the English pub.

BOAT:
1). Break Out Another Thousand.
2). A hole in the water surrounded by wood/plastic/steel/aluminium into which you pour all your money.

BOAT Bucks:
Monetary unit for yachties, for the sake of simplicity with a fixed conversion ratio of 1.000 with the local currency.

Boat ownership:
Standing fully-clothed under a cold shower, tearing up 100-dollar bills

Boom:
1). Laterally mounted pole to which a sail is fastened. Often used during jibing to shift crew members to a fixed, horizontal position.
2). Loud noise made during a surprise jibe sometimes quieted by a grinder before swimming.
3). Sound made when a spirit stove is used to convert boat into a liquid asset.
4). Also called boom for the sound that's made when it hits crew in the head on its way across the boat. For slow crew, it's called `boom, boom.'

Boomkin:
Small, very young boom, less than one year old.

Bos'n:
Short for Boatswain, pronounced "bosun", the person in charge of the deck crew, and the deck and rigging in general. In the modern Navy the Bos'n is a Warrant Officer, while a Bosn's Mate is a Petty Officer.

Bottom Characteristics:
With regard to human beings, the definition speaks for itself.

Bottom Paint:
1). What you get when the cockpit seats are freshly painted.
2). The most dented can of paint.

Bow:
1). The part of the boat that no one should have to work on.
2). Temporary section of an offshore Catamaran.
3). A physical act performed to acknowledge those who are applauding your fine sailing skills.
4). Gesture from the helmsman as he crosses the finish line first.
5). Best part of the ship to ram another with.
6). Front part of multihulls often found underwater.
5). What you do after performing an outstanding docking maneuver.

Boxing The Compass:
What you might attempt to foolishly do after drunkenly returning to the ship.

Brass Monkey Weather:
Refers to very cold weather.

Broach:
Piece of jewelry that you would not want to wear in heavy weather at sea.

Broad Reach:
How a lady of the evening might grab at you as you walk down a dimly lit pier.

Bulkhead:
1). A very anal retentive sailor (see also Stern).
2). Discomfort suffered by sailors who drink too much.
3). Uni-sex bathroom.
4). Discomfort suffered by sailors who drink too much.
5). Boater with a very large cranium.

Bunk:
1). A small uncomfortable area for wet sailors to attempt sleep.
2). Location to store unused sails.

Buoy:
1). Opposite of girlie or flying gull.
2). Navigational aid. There are several types and colors of buoys of which the most numerous are:
-green can (seen as a fuzzy black spot on the horizon)
-red nun (seen as a fuzzy black spot on the horizon)
-red or green day beacon(seen as a fuzzy black spot on the horizon), and
-vertically striped black-and-white channel marker (seen as a fuzzy black spot on the horizon)

Burdened Vessel:
The boat which, in a collision situation, did not have the right-of-way. See PRIVILEGED VESSEL.

Captain:
See FIGUREHEAD

Calm:
Sea condition characterized by the simultaneous disappearance of the wind and the last cold beverage.

Can Buoy:
(Pronounced Can BOY) Male with diarrhea.

Canvas:
An abrasive sailcloth used to remove excess skin from knuckles

Capsize:
Interior diameter of any piece of headgear, usually expressed in inches [sometimes kilometers].

Catamaran:
Boat design involving two hulls therefore twice as likely to hit something or develop a leak, yet taking twice as long to sink.

Cathead(s):
Popular menu item in some overseas food stores.

Caulk:
Any one of a number of substances introduced into the spaces between planks in the hull and decking of a boat that give a smooth, finished appearance while still permitting the passage of a significant amount of seawater.

Celestial Fix:
What you need every day.

Chart:
1) Large piece of paper that is useful in protecting cabin and cockpit surfaces from food and beverage stains.
2) Type of nautical map which tells you exactly where you are aground or what you just hit.

Charley Noble:
Many a rookie sailor has been sent to find Charley Noble. Usually after much searching and being unable to find the person named, he will eventually discover that Charley Noble is the galley stove pipe. This is akin to being put on lookout duty for the mail buoy.

Chine:
1) Word used after, "rise and ..."
2) What the sun does.

Chock:
1). Sudden and usually unpleasant surprise suffered by Spanish seaman.
2). Full right up to here...

Circuit Breaker:
An electromechanical switching unit intended to prevent the flow of electricity under normal operating conditions and, in the case of a short circuit, to permit the electrification of all conductive metal fittings throughout the boat. Available at most novelty shops.



TBC...............

[apex1]

part two

Clew:
1) Evidence leading to recovery of a missing sail.
2) Indication from the skipper as to what he might do next.
3) Oriental crewmember.
4) What a new sailor often doesn't have any of.

Cloud Bank:
Where you store clouds, which gather interest for future use.

Club, Yacht Club, Racing Association:
Troublesome seasonal accumulation in costal areas of unpleasant marine organisms with stiff necks and clammy extremities. Often present in large numbers during summer months when they clog inlets, bays, and coves, making navigation almost impossible. The infestations are most serious along the coasts of Conneticut, Massachusetts, and Maine. They can be effectively dislodged with dynamite, but, alas, archaic federal laws rule out this option.

COB:
1). Cash Over Board.
2). Play ducks and drakes with BOAT's

Coiled:
Relatively mild upper respiratory ailment commonly contracted at sea by sailors from Brooklyn.

Comfort:
A term not used in conjunction with racing yachts (see also Interior).

Command:
Mnemonic used to remember how orders at sea are to be given: Confuse Obscure Mispronounce Mumble Abbreviate Nasalize Drool.

Companionway:
1.) Another name for a hole to fall into. (see also Hatch)
2.) A double berth.
3) Narrow channel.

Compass:
Navigational instrument that ... indicates the presence of machinery and magnets on board ship by spinning wildly.

Co-Tidal Hour:
Not to be confused with coital hour, which is something entirely different and probably more fun.

Course:
The direction in which a skipper wishes to steer his boat and from which the wind is blowing. Also, the language that results by not being able to.

Crew:
Heavy, stationary objects used on shipboard to hold down charts, anchor cushions in place and dampen sudden movements of the boom.

Cruising:
1). Waterborne pleasure journey embarked on by one or more people. A cruise may be considered successful if the same number of individuals who set out on it arrive, in roughly the same condition they set out in, at some piece of habitable dry land, with or without the boat.
2). Fixing your boat in exotic locations.

Cunningham:
1). A very sly or clever Pig
2). A complicated term for a downhaul.

Current:
Tidal flow that carries a boat away from its desired destination, or toward a hazard.

Dangerous Waters:
Lying to your spouse.

Dead Reckoning:
1). A course leading directly to a reef.
2). What a Southern Doctor pronounces after a sailor goes to Davy Jone's Locker.
3). Using a map instead of a chart.

Deadrise:
Getting up to check the anchor at 0300 or waking up before sunrise.

Deck:
A complete set of playing cards.

Deep six:
To discard something, specifically to throw it in the water. Water depth is measured in fathoms, six feet to a fathom. The term "deep six" comes from the throwing of the lead to determine water depth and indicates a depth "over six fathoms."

Deviation:
1). Any departure from the Captain´s orders.
2). Shipboard orders given by a landlubber.
3). A ship full of deviates.

Dinghy:
1). Ideally it should have sufficient stability to carry the entire crew at least 50 boat-lengths away from their vessel before foundering...
2). Sound of the ship's bell.
3). Dark, dirty place.

Displacement:
Accidental loss. Occurs when you dock your boat and can't find it later..

Distress Signals:
International signals which indicate that a boat is in danger. For example, in:
American waters: the sudden appearance of lawyers, the pointing of fingers, and repression of memories;
Italian waters: moaning, weeping, and wild gesticulations;
French waters: fistfights, horn blowing, and screamed accusations;
Spanish waters: boasts, taunts, and random gunfire;
Irish waters: rhymthic grunting, the sound of broken glass, and the detonation of small explosive devices;
Japanese waters: shouted apologies, the exchange of calling cards, and minor self-inflected wounds;
English waters: doffed hats, the burning of toast, and the spilling of tea.

Dock:
Where you take a sick boat to.

Dockline:
Direct telephone access to a physician.

Draft:
What you might want to avoid for cold viruses or the military.

Eight Bells:
Are heavy.

Emergency mooring lines:
Old ropes too rotten to use regularly but too good to throw away.

Engine:
Sailboats are equipped with a variety of engines, but all of them work on the internal destruction principle, in which highly machined parts are rapidly converted into low-grade scrap, producing in the process energy in the form of heat, which is used to boil bilge water; vibration, which improves the muscle tone of the crew; and a small amount of rotational force, which drives the average size sailboat at speeds approaching a furlong per fortnight.

Equator:
A line circling the earth at a point equidistant from both poles which separates the oceans into the North Danger Zone and the South Danger Zone.

Estimated Position:
A place you have marked on the chart where you are sure you are not.

Etiquette:
Marine custom establishes a code of social behavior and nautical courtesy for every conceivable occasion. Thus, for example, a boat belonging to another boatman is always referred to as a "scow", a "tub", or a "pig-boat". When one skipper goes aboard another's boat, he does not hesitate to tell him frankly about any drawbacks or disadvantages he finds in comparison to his own craft. Sailors welcome every opportunity to improve their vessels, and so he knows that his remarks will be greatly appreciated. When one sailboat passes another, it is customary for the captain of the passing boat to make a bladderlike sound with his lips and tongue, and for the captain of the passed boat to return the courtesy by offering a smart salute consisting of a quick upward movement of the right hand with the second digit extended.

Fall off:
To cause conscious crew members to become frantic and yell "Man overboard".

Fid:
Similar to a Marlin Spike, but usually larger, and made of wood. Used in the same way as a Marlin Spike but usually for larger rope and cable. See Marlin Spike.

Figurehead:
Decorative dummy found on sailboats. See CAPTAIN.

First Mate:
Crew member necessary for skippers to practice shouting instructions to.

Fix:
1) The estimated position of a boat.
2) True position a boat and its crew in are in most of the time.

Flag:
Any of an number of signalling pennants or ensigns, designed to be flown upside down, in the wrong place, in the wrong order, or at an inappropriate time.

Flashlight:
Tubular metal container used on shipboard for storing dead batteries prior to their disposal.

Fluke:
1). Portion of an anchor that digs securely into the bottom, holding the boat in place.
2). Any occasion when this occurs on the first try.

Flying Bridge:
Type of card game played on a sea plane.

Flying jib:
Any jib when the sheets have gone overboard.

Foreguy:
First guy to the bar.

Foul Wind:
1) Breeze produced by flying turkey or goose.
2) An odor

Freeboard:
1). Food and liquor supplied by the owner.
2). Free lumber.
3). Cruise on a vessel you don't pay for.

Freezing the Balls off a Brass Monkey:
A brass monkey is a brass triangle which is put on the ground and used to keep cannonballs in a neat pile or pyramid beside a gun. When the weather gets very cold the brass triangle contracts more than the iron and causes the cannonballs to roll off, hence the saying.

Fuel:
Sailboats without auxiliary engines do not require fuel as such, but an adequate supply of a pale yellow carbonated beverage with a 10 percent to 12 percent alcohol content is essential to the operation of all recreational craft.

Fuel Tanks:
Giving thanks for having enough fuel on board.

Galley:
1. Ancient: Aspect of seafaring associated with slavery
2. Modern: Aspect of seafaring associated with slavery

Gimbals:
Movable mountings often found on shipboard lamps, compasses, etc., which provide dieting passengers an opportunity to observe the true motions of the ship in relation to them, and thus prevent any recently ingested food from remaining in their digestive systems long enough to be converted into unwanted calories.

Give Way Vessel:
The boat which, in a collision situation, did not have the right of way.

Great Circle Route:
1). Ship's course when the rudder is jammed or stuck..
2). Depression left in a seat cushion.
3). Mark around your eye after sailor's pub brawl.

Grinder:
Crewmember stationed near the boom and who enjoys swimming. (see boom).

Gybe:
A common way to get unruly guests off your boat.

Gybe Set
A great way to end up on Port Tack right in front of the whole
Fleet that's approaching the mark on Starboard.

Halyard:
Something that only breaks or jams when you're winning.

Hanging locker:
A small, enclosed space designed to keep foul weather gear
wet and to turn all other clothing green.

Hatch:
1). Opening on a boat made to fall in. (see also Companionway)
2). Container on board in which to keep or store eggs.
3). What lookout wears on his head while cruising polar regions.

Hazard:
1.) Any boat over 2 feet in length.
2.) The skipper of any such craft.
3.) Any body of water.
4.) Any body of land within 100 yards of any body of water.

Head:
Toilet, square rigged ships sailed down wind (that means the wind blew from the stern to the bow), that was the nature of the beast. With no indoor plumbing sailors would do their thing over the side. No experienced sailor would piss in the wind, so he would go the the head (front) of the ship to take care of his needs.

Head up:
Leaving the boat toilet seat up. When boat skipper is female, leaving the head up is a serious offence.

Headway:
1) What you are making if you can't get the toilet to work.
2) Desert the cook makes, similar to "curds 'n whey".

Heave-Ho:
What you do when you´ve eaten too much Ho.

Heave to:
1). Second person to get sick.
2). Newcomers quite often find themselves heaving too.
3). What seasick sailors do.

Heavingline:
1). Rope used to hold on to while being sick, often found after making headway.
2) Location next to a rhumb line.

Helmsman:
1). Nut attached to the rudder through a steering mechanism.
2). One who might actually listen to the tactician.
3). Crew member who might enjoy an uncontrollable jibe. (see Boom).

Hoytedow:
North of Cuba.............

Hydrophobia:
Basic test of fundamental sanity.

Inside Overlap:
Part of a race that resembles a political debate

Interior:
A term not used in conjunction with racing yachts.

Inside Overlap:
The part of a race that resembles a political debate.

Jack Lines:
"Hey baby, want to go sailing?"

Jib:
A dialect of the English language peculiar to certain peoples of African heritage.

Jibe:
1). To speak in jib (see above).
2). To speak an untruth.
3.) Either you like it or you don´t and it gets you.

Kayak:
Wooden floatsam to keep Terry away from Bd.net

Keel:
1.) A very heavy depth sounder primarily used on Unamarans (monohulls or leaners)
2.) Term used by 1st mate after too much heel by skipper.

Ketch:
1) Disagreeable clause in boat-purchase contract.
2) Sailboat with good wine in the cabin

Knot:
Connection between two or more ropes... having the property that the link cannot be parted or broken in any way other than severing it with a knife, except if it is subjected to steady stress in the course of normal use.

Knot meter:
1). An instrument for measuring the speed with which any line will become tangled.
2). Knot yard either...

TBC...........................

[apex1]

Part three

Landlubber:
1) Anyone on board who wishes he or she were not.
2) Anyone on board who shouldn't be.
3) Not you John!.................................:D

Latitude:
The number of degrees off course allowed a guest.

Lazy Guy:
Most sailors when they're not Racing.

Lazy Jack:
1). Title given to the guy who's crewed on other boats one time only.
2). Item found in trunk of car that has very good tires and/or often left at home by trailer sailors.
3). Banned..........................
Leadership:
In maritime use, the ability to keep persons on board ship without resorting to measures which substantially violate applicable state and federal statutes

Leak:
A situation calling for LEADERSHIP

Leech:
A crewmember that never seems to have a dime when its time to pay for drinks or meals.

Leeward:
Brother of Jay Ward, creator of Bullwinkle and Rocky.

Life Line:
Phone Call.

Life Preserver:
1. Any personal flotation device that will keep an individual who has fallen off a vessel above water long enough to be run over by it or another rescue craft.
2. A mildewed device for emergency use, stowed under the extra lines and anchors.

Loggerhead:
To be at loggerheads; whalers, when a whale was harpooned, would fasten the line to a timber in the boat called a loggerhead, which would take the strain of the whale's pull. Also, to have a disagreement.

Lubber line:
Two or more guests waiting to get ashore.

Luff:
The Front part of a sail that everyone but the helmsman seems to pay attention to (see also Telltales)

Luff up:
Something racers do to each other to catch the back of the fleet Head (see Stern Pulpit)

Marina:
Commercial dock facility. Among the few places, under admiralty law, where certain forms of piracy are still permitted, most marinas have up-to-date facilities for the disposal of excess amounts of U.S. currency that may have accumulated on board ship, causing a fire hazard.

Marine Flashlight:
Waterproof place to store dead batteries.

Marlin Spike Seamanship:
A general term referring to the working of rope, cable, etc. Encompasses tying of knots, bends, lashing and other activities. Sailors, even modern day ones, often take great pride in their marlinspike seamanship. Even on modern missile cruisers, it is not unusual to see a Knot Board, made by a member of the crew, displaying many different kinds of knots, both usefull and decorative.

Mast:
A religious service performed at the waterfront.

Mile (Nautical):
A relativistic measure of surface distance over water - in theory, 6076.1 feet. In practice, a number of different values for the nautical mile have been observed while under sail, for example: after 4 p.m., approximately 40,000 feet; in winds of less than 5 knots, about 70,000 feet; and during periods of threatening weather in harbor approaches, around 100,000 feet.

Mizzen:
An object you can´t find.

Mooring:
The act of bringing a boat to a complete stop in a relatively protected coastal area in such a fashion that it can be sailed away again in less than one week's time by the same number of people who moored it without heavy equipment and no more than $100 in repairs.

Motor Sailer:
A sailboat that alternates between sail/rigging problems and engine problems, and with some booze in the cabin.

Mike
1). Item bearing more bcteria than a rats tail.
2). Helpful contributor here.

Noserly:
What to call the wind direction when it comes from where you're going.

Nun Buoy (pronounced Nun BOY):
A religious transvestite.

Oar:
Sea-going woman of ill repute

Oar Lock:
Security device that sea-going women of ill repute have on their doors.

OD Paint:
Paint applied Over Dirt.

Oil:
Thick viscous substance poured by sailors on troubled waters in former times, but now more frequently on troubled beaches, troubled marshes and troubled seabirds.

Overboard:
No longer On Board ship, usually by falling off of one. One of the limited occasions when disembarkation from the vessel implies a shortening rather than lengthening of the life span of the individual involved.

Painter:
A line you use to tow the dingy... also especially useful for preventing Tack.

Passage:
Long voyage from A to B, interrupted by unexpected landfalls or stopovers at point K, point Q and point Z.

Passenger:
A form of movable internal ballast which tends to accumulate on the leeward side of sailboats once sea motions commence.

Permanent mooring:
A sunken boat, anchored.

Pitch or Roll:
The ships motion swaying when from side to side. Pitch means to rock fore and aft. Thus, the old salt's crusty remark "roll, roll you son of a bitch, the more you roll, the less you'll pitch."

Points:
Traditional units of angular measurement from the viewpoint of someone on board a vessel. They are:
Straight ahead of you, right up there;
Just a little to the right of the front;
Right next to that thing up there;
Between those two things;
Right back there, look;
Over that round doohickey;
Off the right corner;
Back over there;
Right behind us.

Pop the Chute:
The sound a Poly Chute makes just as it blows apart.

Port:
1. An alcoholic beverage made from fermented grape juice and served aboard a sailboat.
2. A fine wine, always stowed on the left side of the boat.

Porthole:
A glass-covered opening in the hull designed in such a way that when closed (while at sea) it admits light and water, and when open (while at anchor) it admits, light, air, and insects (except in Canadian waters, where most species are too large to gain entry in this manner). Are also found on the starboard side!

Portside:
Is reserved for red headed sailors only.

Pratique:
Technical maritime term for customs procedure on entering foreign waters. When passing through customs, particularly in the tropics - the most common foreign destination for American pleasure craft - it is customary to display a small amount of that country's official currency in a conspicuous place and to transfer it to the officer who examines the boat's documents during the parting handshake. A nice sharp slap on the back as the captain effects the transfer shows he cares about appearances. And it is by no means out of place for the skipper to add a friendly word or two, such as "Here, Sparky, this is for you. Why don't you go out and buy yourself some joy juice and get stupid?" incidentally, these inspectors are justly proud of their educational attainments, and the savvy boat owner can win some fast friends by remarking with surprise and admiration on their ability to read and write.

Privileged Vessel:
The vessel which in a collision was "in the right". If there were witnesses, the owner could bring an admiralty court case - know as a "wet suit" or a "leisure suit" - against the owner of the other boat, and if he proves "shiplash", he could collect a tidy sum.

Prop:
What you use your arm for to support your chin.

Propwash:
Works best on bright work.

Propeller:
Underwater winch designed to wind up at high speed any lines or painters left hanging over the stern.

Pulpit:
Somewhere you pray you are going to pick up a mooring buoy.

Quarter berth:
Bank reservered for 25 cent coins.

Queeg:
Affectionate slang term for ship's captain.

Ram:
An intricate docking maneuver sometimes used by experienced skippers.

Racing:
Popular nautical contact sport

Rapture of the Deep:
Also known as nautical narcosis. Its symptoms include an inability to use common words, such as up, down, left, right, front, and back, and their substitution with a variety of gibberish which the sufferer believes to make sense; a love of small, dark, wet places; an obsessive desire to be surrounded by possessions of a nautical nature, such as lamps made from running lights and tiny ship's wheels; and a conviction that objects are moving when they are in fact standing still. This condition is incurable.

Reef point:
The part of a rock sticking out of the water.

Richard:
ME

Ring Buoy:
Otherwise known as a ring bearer in weddings

Rope:
There is some confusion over the term rope. Rope is considered to be the bulk source of line. While the rope is stored waiting for use it is properly termed "rope." Once it has been taken from storage and put to use it should then be called line.

Rope ladder:
A ladder designed to get you into the water but not back out.

Round Rigger:
1) Opposite of a square rigger.
2) Crew member who hides in a rum barrel.

Round Down:
A bad, bad thing for a bowman out on the spinnaker pole.

Round Up:
Easiest way to get the oncoming watch on deck.

Rudder:
1). A large, heavy, vertically mounted, hydrodynamically contoured steel plate with which, through the action of a tiller or wheel, it is possible, during brief intervals, to point a sailing vessel in a direction which, due to a combination of effects caused by tide, current, the force and direction of the wind, the size and angle of the waves, and the shape of the hull, it does not wish to go.
2). More Discourteous. Bob was rude, but George was even rudder.
3). Name for people having ruddy complexions.

Running free:
Cruising without using the engine.

Rhumbline:
Three or more crew waiting for a beverage.

Sailboat Race:
Two sailboats going in the same direction.

Sailing
1). The fine art of getting wet and becoming ill, while going nowhere slowly at great expense.
2). Standing fully clothed in an ice-cold shower tearing up boat bucks* as fast as you can go.
(*) see also "Boat Bucks"

Sailing language:
See COURSE.

Schooner:
A sailboat with a fully stocked liquor cabinet in the cabin.

Scupper:
1) Meal after lunch.
2) Place where you eat dinner.

Seabag:
Aging mermaid.

Seacock:
1) Nautical rooster.
2) Male sailor's most important piece of equipment.

Sea Monster:
Mythical giant sea creature... Obviously a preposterous supersti...

Sewerman:
A sailor that has a fetish for wet soggy nylon.

Sextant:
1). An entertaining, albeit expensive, device, which, together with a good atlas, is of use in introducing the boatman to many interesting areas of the earth's surface which he and his craft are not within 1,000 nautical miles of.
2). A cover suspended over the cabin and cockpit to shade certain recreational activity.
3). A device for detecting the night-time activity of guests.
4). Canvass shelter devices used while camping when the kids are in school.

Shake a Leg:
There was a time when women went to sea with their sailors on certain ships. The crew and their women slept in hammocks, slung on hooks. When the Bos'n rousted out the crew for a sail change or other evolution he would yell "Shake a leg". He could then tell by the leg if it was a crewman that had to be rolled out.

Sheet:
1.) A line made to rip gloves or hands part. Has ability to tangle on anything.
2.) A cool, damp, salty night covering.

Shipshape:
A boat is said to be shipshape when every object that is likely to contribute to the easy handling of the vessel or the comfort of the crew has been put in a place from which it cannot be retrieved in less than 30 minutes.

Ship-to-shore Radio:
Combination radio transmitter/receiver that permits captains and crew members to obtain wrong numbers and busy signals while at sea.

Shoreline:
Used to dock boats.

Shower:
Due to restricted space, limited water supplies, and the difficulty of generating hot water, showers on board ship are quite different from those taken ashore. Although there is no substitute for direct experience, a rough idea of a shipboard shower can be obtained by standing naked for two minutes in a closet with a large, wet dog.

Shroud:
Equipment used in connection with the wake.

Skeg:
What sea-going beer comes in.

Slip:
Next to last article of clothing a woman removes

Sloop:
A sailboat with beer and/or wine in the cabin.

Snatch Block:
Men use to spend a lot of time at sea. They must have been shaped very differently in those days

Son of a Gun:
Many people use this, with no inkling of the original meaning. Going back to the days of sail, when a woman gave birth on (or under) the gun deck, the child was said to be a son of a gun. Usually the father's name was not known, hence calling some one a son of a gun is short of calling him a bastard.

Sonic Boom:
Fast jibe.

Spanner Wrench:
One of the most useful tools for engine repair; in come cases, the only suitable tool. Not currently manufactured.

Spinnaker:
1) Large sail used in dead calms to keep the crew busy.
2) An extremely large, lightweight, balloon-shaped piece of sailcloth frequently trailed in the water off the bow in a big bundle to slow the boat down.

Splice:
Method of joining two ropes by weaving together the individual strands of which they are composed. The resulting connection is stronger than any knot. Splicing is something of an art and takes a while to master. You can work on perfecting your technique at home by practicing knitting a pair of socks or a stocking cap out of a pound or so of well-cooked noodles.

Spring line:
1) Line purchased at the beginning of the season.
2) Coils of metallic rope.

Square Rigger:
1) Rigger over 30.
2) Sailor who goes to sleep early.
3) Opposite of a round rigger.

Stand On Vessel:
Vessel that in a collision was "in the right". If there were witnesses, the owner could bring an admiralty court case - know as a "wet suit" or a "leisure suit" - against the owner of the other boat, and if he proves "shiplash", he could collect a tidy sum.

Starboard:
1.) A motion picture produced by George Lucas. Science Fiction.
2.) A special board used by skippers for navigation (usually with "Port" on the opposite side.)
3) Listless movie actor.

Stem Fitting:
The hole made in a competitors boat when your helmsman misjudges a Port/Starboard crossing

Stern:
1). A facial expression frequently seen on the faces of very serious skippers (see also Bulkhead).
2). Way you feel after bashing the dock.

Swell:
A wave that´s just great.

Swimming:
A form of solo waterbourne navigation, often employed after going Overboard.

Strut:
Peculiar way of walking

Submarine:
Long sandwich.

Swell:
1) Wave that's just great.
2) Best of something.
3) Mound made by mosquitoes you'll probably scratch.

Tabernacle:
Something similar to pulpit, but a different religion.

Tack:
1). To shift the course of a sailboat from a direction far to the right, say, of the direction in which one wishes to go, to a direction far to the left of it.
2). Good manners.
3). A common sticky substance left in the cockpit and on deck by other people's kids, usually in the form of foot- or hand-prints. (See Gybe for removal technique).
4). A maneuver the skipper uses when telling the crew what they did wrong without getting them mad.

Tactician:
1) One who counts screws and nails.
2) The luckiest or sorriest member of a crew.
3) Kind term for a Smart Ass or Arrogant SOB or Dumb Ass or Lucky SOB

Tell tales:
1) Talk about last night on shore.
2) Crew member who lets the guests know that the skipper usually gets seasick.
3) Stories about the skipper's last race.

Throw Line:
Excuse used by baseball pitcher after blowing it.

Toe:
Stub your "toe"? Well then, it's time to brush up on your nomenclature! In nautical terms, a toe is a catchcleat or snagtackle. A few others: head - boomstop; leg - bruisefast; and hand - blistermitten.

Tiller:
Operator of farm equipment.

Topping lift:
Wind strong enough to raise a toupee.

Uniform:
As worn by yacht club members and other shore hazards, a distinctive form of dress intended to be visible at a distance of at least 50 meters which serves to warn persons in the vicinity of the long winds and dense masses of hot air associated with these tidal bores.

Union Jack:
Cousin to Uncle Sam.

Variation:
The change in menu effected when the labels have soaked off the
canned goods.

Vang:
Name of German sea dog. (fang!)

Varnish:
High-fiction coating applied as a gloss over minor details in personal nautical recollections to improve their audience-holding capacity over frequent retellings.

Wake:
Similar to an Irish burial.

Weather Helm:
Marked tendency of a sailboat to turn into the wind, even when the rudder is centered. This is easily countered by wedging a heavy object against the tiller. See CREW.

Weigh:
To weigh anchor means to lift on the anchor until it is clear of the bottom. The instant the anchor is free of the bottom the anchor is said to be aweigh, signifying that the ship is now free to maneuver, as in the U.S Navy song "Anchors Aweigh."

Wench:
A thing you grind till it squeals.

Winch:
1). A thing you grind till it squeals or groans. Not to be confused with 'wench', which has a similar definition..
2). A female practicer of the occult. A sorceress.

Windward:
The direction the wind is coming from, also known as
a) the way back to land/marina/slip way,
b) the direction you'd like to be going in,
c) the direction that doesn't involve being stuck on a lee shore
d) the direction that will become downwind as soon as you no longer wish to be going that way.

Wharf:
Sound made by Vang when he wishes to be fed.

Whelk:
Sound made by Vang to show that he doesn't like that dry, lumpy dog food you put in his dish.

Whip:
Useful accessory if that dry, lumpy dog food is all you happen to have on board.

Windlass:
Condition resulting from successful treatment in a windward.

Windward:
Section of hospital for boaters with chronic gas problems.

Yacht:
Commonly used to describe any boat prior to its purchase, and by many boat owners to describe their vessel to persons who have never seen it and are likely never to do so.

Yacht Club:
Troublesome seasonal accumulation in costal areas of unpleasant marine organisms with stiff necks and clammy extremities. Often present in large numbers during summer months when they clog inlets, bays, and coves, making navigation almost impossible. They can be effectively dislodged with dynamite, but, alas, archaic federal laws rule out this option.

Yacht Broker:
Form of coastal marine life found in many harbors in the Northern Hemisphere generally thought to occupy a position on the evolutionalry scale above algae, but somewhat below the cherrystone clam.

Yawl:
1). Southern version of ahoy.
2). A sailboat from Texas, with some good bourbon stored down yonder in the cabin.

Xebec:
Small three masted mediterranean sailing vessel or a useful word in Scrabble.

Zeyphyr:
A warm, pleasand breeze named after the mythical Greek god of wishful thinking, false hopes, and unreliable forecasts.


Ahh, you are the one, wasting your companies time!
Do you get your salary in a gift wrap?

[troy2000]

OK, I had to take a break after the second one. Obviously I'm not at work....

[Landlubber]

...wow , that is a loooooooong list, never seen one like it.....we have a GG race here today, so I came home early to do some work in the shed......no one at work anyhow...

[sailingmonica]

For all those members using their PC at work to visit this Forum.:p




Guilty as charged:D

Hi, Richard.

[apex1]

...wow , that is a loooooooong list, never seen one like it.....we have a GG race here today, so I came home early to do some work in the shed......no one at work anyhow...

That really is a long one, yes. It was impossible to post it in one go, the server did not accept it.

Did you go through the entire Alphabet John?:D


Hi Monica!
Sorry you are not mentioned under "M"........

[Fanie]

Geeeez Richard, your hands must be numb after all that typing :D

[apex1]

Nahh, but did cost me months of course.....

[mark775]

My favorites:

Boat ownership:
Standing fully-clothed under a cold shower, tearing up 100-dollar bills

Knot:
Connection between two or more ropes... having the property that the link cannot be parted or broken in any way other than severing it with a knife, except if it is subjected to steady stress in the course of normal use.

Scupper:
1) Meal after lunch.
2) Place where you eat dinner.

Xebec:
Small three masted mediterranean sailing vessel or a useful word in Scrabble.

I am playing scrabble now! Any takers? I am "Rocksalmon" on ISC, http://www.isc.ro/. I just play three minute games but will make an exception for one here if you prefer longer.

[Landlubber]

Apex,
....unfortunately, yes, I have read it......so much time eh....

Richard:
ME

...we have a comment here.."had the Richard...means it is buggered"

.....not nice eh when it is your name....

...hey I am only a Landlubber cos I cannot afford a new boat anymore, not by desire.


...I can't believe that you have worked out all those "meanings"...very clever.

[apex1]

Apex,
....unfortunately, yes, I have read it......so much time eh....

...I can't believe that you have worked out all those "meanings"...very clever.

No I have copied much of it.

So you did find the "R" but obviously not the "L".............:D

[ancient kayaker]

So many jokes, so little time ...

[Landlubber]

...saw that mate.......hey I am only a Landlubber cos I cannot afford a new boat anymore, not by desire.....comment of that post.

....thanks mate.

[RHP]

Education.

A man is stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he’s going. “I’m on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body.” The policeman asks, “Really? And who’s going to give a lecture at this time of night?”




“My wife”, comes the reply

[MikeJohns]

Vang:
Name of German sea dog. (fang!)

Thanks to the irascible old sea dog who compiled that list :)
I've just spent too long browsing through it and I do have work to do !

This is what happens when you check your email after sitting down at the PC.


Great Joke from RHP too.

Laughter is a great way to start the day.

[apex1]

A few formerly missing .....


Command:
Blight-ish term, means Master has a question

Docking:
Same as Mutiny

Mutiny:
Masters command causes crew to start discussions

Harbourmaster:
1). Best sailor in port and a specialist in docking
2). Best whitness to confirm the size of your boat (always 5ft longer than the yard says)

Tiller:
Skippers "handle" but everyone touches it

Mal de Mer:
1st Phase, one believes to die (very bad)
2nd Phase, one knows one does not die (much worse)

Boots:
Elastic watertanks sailors wear at their feet

Spring:
Too early for sailing

Summer:
Cold, wet, stormy season, winds from the wrong direction (perfect for sailing)

Autumn:
Too late for sailing

Winter:
Cold, wet, stormy season, winds from the right direction (not perfect for sailing)

Roll Genoa:
Bulky forestay, does not roll and is not from Genoa

Navigation:
Buying rolls, see also rolls

Rolls:
The best source of navigational information. Your real position is printed on the paper bag.

Hurricane:
Same as marriage, starts with a blow, and finally the house is gone

Skipper:
1). The crew member paying the marina fees and restaurant bills
2). The entertainer moderating docking discussions
3). The crew member to walk the dog (well, it is his dog)
4). The crew member who repairs broken items (well, he knows them best)

Shower:
1). Landlubbers request
2). The only dry space on board

Head:
1). Knucklehead, the skipper of a faster boat
2). Bonehead, Harbourmaster estimating the LOA correct (see also Harbourmaster)
3). Pighead, Skipper who insists on a given course
4). Clogged

Watch:
Status symbol of the true experts in the local yachtclub. Most popular models:
Royal Oak by Audemars Piguet
Oyster by Rolex.............. (cheap in the backroads of Istanbul)
Admirals Cup by Corum
Seamaster by Omega
You can smell the breeze of the ocean when you have one of them at your wrist! (that comes from the dead battery of the 2$ calibre inside)


GPS:
Generic partying system, drop anchor in a solitary bay and open a beer, within one hour you have 6 neighbouring boats

Sinking:
Fastest way towards solid ground

Crew:
People which were nice in the pub, later wondering what they have to do with your damn boat

Liferaft:
Not really, but can lengthen the pain

Woman:
Decorative part of the crew, too young, too blond, too silly, but a must have in the marina pub (cannot pee over the railing)

Able seaman:
Can pee over the railing (never part of the crew)

Sailboat owner:
Wealthy masochist, hates motorboat owners

Motor boat owner:
Wealthy sadist, commiserates with sail boat owners

Motorsailors:
Poor people, hate themselves, cannot sail, and cannot afford motoring

Parking:
Does not exist, is called ramming, sinking, scratching or docking, but IS parking

Charts:
Sheets of paper, show cryptic lines and symbols, useless when new. After 15 years on board a valuable aid to navigation (you then need only one), showing all the positions where you never have been, and the exact position where you are now! Your position is where the creases made the chart unreadable.


Was too lazy to bring it in alphabetical order. Feel free to complete.

Richard (irascible old sea dog) Wharff!

[Landlubber]

...your "barque" is worse than your "bight"......

[Vulkyn]

Nice joke RHP :p

Some one should put Richards post on wiki :p

[apex1]

...your "barque" is worse than your "bight"......

Nice one, thanks.:cool:

[Fanie]

This one must have been posted before, but since Mas is back just couldn't help myself... :D

An Eskimo travels through Australia when his car breaks down.An Aussie pulls over.
Aussie: What's wrong mate?
Eskimo: I don't now,car smoking at front.
Aussie: Open the hood.
Eskimo: OK
Aussie: Looks at the engine and say's "You blew a seal."
Eskimo: OH, but you sleep with sheep.

[srimes]

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.

- Louis Grizzard

[peter radclyffe]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mE3gWZk4AEo

[peter radclyffe]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gd5yN43TqCk

[RHP]

A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him.
To show the others who is the boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased; he disposes of the fish by
feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is attacked by
the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both.
What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat
anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves to the bees enclosure to collect honey from the South African bees.
As soon as he starts, the bees attack him. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.
By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion’s cage - because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.
This lion wanders up to another lion and says 'What's the food like here?'

The lions say 'Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees.
++

Lets see you beat that one ! :P

[Leo Lazauskas]

ASSMOSIS - The process by which some people seem to absorb success
and advancement by kissing up to the boss.

SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming
upstream, only to get screwed and die in the end.

OYSTER (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish
expressions.

SARCHASM: the gulf between the author's wit and the reader who
doesn't get it.

REINTARNATION: coming back to life as a hillbilly.

FOREPLOY: any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
obtaining sex.

GLIBIDO: all talk and no action.

DOPELER EFFECT: the tendency of stupid ideas to sound smarter when
they come at you rapidly.

IGNORANUS: a person who is both stupid and an *******.

[Leo Lazauskas]

If WW-II were played online:

*Hitler[AoE] has joined the game.*
*Eisenhower has joined the game.*
*paTTon has joined the game.*
*Churchill has joined the game.*
*benny-tow has joined the game.*
*T0J0 has joined the game.*
*Roosevelt has joined the game.*
*Stalin has joined the game.*
*deGaulle has joined the game.*
Roosevelt: hey sup
T0J0: y0
Stalin: hi
Churchill: hi
Hitler[AoE]: cool, i start with panzer tanks!
paTTon: lol more like panzy tanks
T0JO: lol
Roosevelt: o this fockin sucks i got a depression!
benny-tow: haha america sux
Stalin: hey hitler you dont fight me i dont fight u, cool?
Hitler[AoE]; sure whatever
Stalin: cool
deGaulle: **** Hitler rushed some1 help
Hitler[AoE]: lol byebye frenchy
Roosevelt: i dont got crap to help, sry
Churchill: wtf the luftwaffle is attacking me
Roosevelt: get antiair guns
Churchill: i cant afford them
benny-tow: u n00bs know what team talk is?
paTTon: stfu
Roosevelt: o yah hit the navajo button guys
deGaulle: eisenhower ur worthless come help me quick
Eisenhower: i cant do **** til rosevelt gives me an army
paTTon: yah hurry the fock up
Churchill: d00d im gettin pounded
deGaulle: this is fockin weak u guys suck
*deGaulle has left the game.*
Roosevelt: im gonna attack the axis k?
benny-tow: with what? ur wheelchair?
benny-tow: lol did u mess up ur legs AND ur head?
Hitler[AoE]: ROFLMAO
T0J0: lol o no america im comin 4 u
Roosevelt: wtf! thats bull**** u ***s im gunna kick ur asses
T0JO: not without ur harbors u wont! lol
Roosevelt: u little biotch ill get u
Hitler[AoE]: wtf
Hitler[AoE]: america hax, u had depression and now u got a huge fockin
army
Hitler[AoE]: thats bull**** u hacker
Churchill: lol no more france for u hitler
Hitler[AoE]: tojo help me!
T0J0: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world retard
Hitler[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path
Stalin: u arsshoel! WE HAD A FoCKIN TRUCE
Hitler[AoE]: i changed my mind lol
benny-tow: haha
benny-tow: hey ur losing ur guys in africa im gonna need help in italy
soon sum1
T0J0: o **** i cant help u i got my hands full
Hitler[AoE]: im 2 busy 2 help
Roosevelt: yah thats right biznitch im comin for ya
Stalin: church help me
Churchill: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here
Stalin: dont be an arss
Churchill: dont be a commie. oops too late
Eisenhower: LOL
benny-tow: hahahh oh **** help
Hitler: o man ur focked
paTTon: oh what now biotch
Roosevelt: whos the cripple now lol
*benny-tow has been eliminated.*
benny-tow: lame
Roosevelt: gj patton
paTTon: thnx
Hitler[AoE]: eisenhower hax hes killing all my ****
Hitler[AoE]: quit u hacker so u dont ruin my record
Eisenhower: Nuts!
benny~tow: wtf that mean?
Eisenhower: meant to say nutsack lol finger slipped
paTTon: coming to get u hitler u paper hanging hun ****socker
Stalin: rofl
T0J0: HAHAHHAA
Hitler[AoE]: u guys are fockin gay
Hitler[AoE]: ur never getting in my city
*Hitler[AoE] has been eliminated.*
benny~tow: OMG u noob you killed yourself
Eisenhower: ROFLOLOLOL
Stalin: OMG LMAO!
Hitler[AoE]: i didnt click there omg this game blows
*Hitler[AoE] has left the game*
paTTon: hahahhah
T0J0: my teammates are n00bs
benny~tow: shut up noob
Roosevelt: haha wut a *****
paTTon: wtf am i gunna do now?
Eisenhower: yah me too
T0J0: why dont u attack me o thats right u dont got no ships lololol
Eisenhower: fock u
paTTon: lemme go thru ur base commie
Stalin: go to hell lol
paTTon: fock this **** im goin afk
Eisenhower: yah this is gay
*Roosevelt has left the game.*
Hitler[AoE]: wtf?
Eisenhower: **** now we need some1 to join
*tru_m4n has joined the game.*
tru_m4n: hi all
T0J0: hey
Stalin: sup
Churchill: hi
tru_m4n: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff!
tru_m4n: NUKES! HOLY **** I GOT NUKES
Stalin: d00d gimmie some plz
tru_m4n: no way i only got like a couple
Stalin: omg dont be gay gimmie nuculer secrets
T0J0: wtf is nukes?
T0J0: holy ****holy****hoylshti!!!111
*T0J0 has been eliminated.*
*The Allied team has won the game!*
Eisenhower: awesome!
Churchill: gg noobs no re
T0J0: thats bull**** u fockin suck
*T0J0 has left the game.*
*Eisenhower has left the game.*
Stalin: next game im not going to be on ur team, u guys didnt help me
for ****
Churchill: wutever, we didnt need ur help neway dumbarss
tru_m4n: l8r all
benny~tow: bye
Churchill: l8r
Stalin: fock u all
tru_m4n: shut up commie lol
*tru_m4n has left the game.*
benny~tow: lololol u commie
Churchill: ROFL
Churchill: bye commie
*Churchill has left the game.*
*benny~tow has left the game.*
Stalin: i hate u all ***s
*Stalin has left the game.*
paTTon: lol no1 is left
paTTon: weeeee i got a jeep
*paTTon has been eliminated.*



paTTon: o ****!
*paTTon has left the game.*

[hoytedow]

Stalinist.

[Leo Lazauskas]

Some Country and Western song titles

Bridge Washed Out, I Can't Swim and My Baby's on the Other Side
C'mon Down off the Stove, Granny, You're Too Old to Ride the Range
Does My Ring Hurt Your Finger (When You Go Out at Night)
Don't Come Home a-Drinkin' With Lovin' On Your Mind
Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life
Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns Back In The Bed
Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
Her Body Couldn't Keep You Off My Mind
Her Cheatin' Heart Made A Drunken Fool Out Of Me
Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
How Can A Whiskey That's 6 Years Old Whup A Man That's 33?
How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
How Can a Whiskey Six Years Old Whip a Man That's 32?
I Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral
I Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me?
I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
I Don't Know Whether To Come Home Or Go Crazy
I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
I Don't Want Your Body If Your Heart's Not In It
I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
I Got In At 2 With A 10 And Woke Up At 10 With A 2
I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except Mine
I Just Bought A Car From The Guy That Stole My Girl, ...
... But The Car Don't Run, So I Figure We Got An Even Deal
I Kissed Her on the Lips, And Left Her Behind for You
I Knew I'd Hit Rock Bottom When I Woke Up On Top Of Yew
I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
I Married a Moonshiner's Daughter and Now She Makes Me Likker
I Married a Moonshiner's Daughter and Oh, How I Love Her Still
I Meant Every Word That He Said
I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
I Think I'll Drink Myself Into the Past
I Wanna Whip Your Cow
I Wish I Were In Dixie Tonight, But She's Out Of Town
I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck!
I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
I Wouldn't Take You To A Dog Fight Even If I Thought You Could Win
I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy
I'll Get Over You As Soon As You Get Out From Under Him
I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonite
I'm Gettin' Gray From Being Blue
I'm Gonna Build Me a Bar in the Back of My Car and Drive Myself to Drink
I'm Gonna Hire A Wino To Decorate Our Home
I'm Havin' Daydreams About Night Things In The Middle Of The Afternoon
I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
I'm Not Married But The Wife Is
I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
I've Been Limping Through the Cornfield since I Fell for You.
I've Been Roped and Throwed by Jesus in the Holy Ghost Corral
I've Got Four On The Floor And A Fifth Under The Seat
I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies And I'm Blue All The Time
I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lying On My Back In My Bed ...
I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line
I've Got You on My Conscience But At Least You're Off My Back
I've Got a Funny Feeling (I Won't Be Feeling Funny Very Long)
I've Never Seen a Straight Banana
If Drinkin' Don't Kill Me, Her Memory Will
If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, Wonder Whose I'd Find On You
If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
If I Had To Do It All Over Again, Babe, I'd Do It All Over You
If It's Got To Be Later, How 'Bout Later Tonight?
If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low
If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You
If She Puts Lipstick On My Dipstick, I'll Fall In Love
If The Jukebox Took Teardrops I'd Cry All Night Long
If The Phone Don't Ring, Baby, You'll Know It's Me
If Whiskey Were A Woman I'd Be Married For Sure
If You Can Live With It (I Can Live Without It)
If You Can't Feel It (It Ain't There)
If You Don't Believe I Love You Just Ask My Wife
If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
If You Keep Checking Up on Me (I'm Checking Out on You)
If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
It Ain't Love But It Ain't Bad
It Don't Feel Like Sinnin' To Me
It Don't Hurt Half as Bad as Holding You Feels Good
It Takes Me All Night Long To Do What I Used To Do All Night Long
Jesus Is a Good Ole Boy
Lay Back Down and Love Me and Leave the Leavin' for Later On
Learning To Live Again Without You Is Killing Me
Let Me Love the Leavin' from Your Mind
Love Will Beat Your Brains Out
Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
May The Bird Of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose
My Every Day Silver Is Plastic
My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus
My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, ...
... While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
My Legs Won't Walk Away From You
My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
Nervous Breakdown
Now I lay Me Down To Cheat
Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, ...
... But Baby I Can See Through You
Oh, Lord! It's Hard To Be Humble When You're Perfect In Every Way
Out Of My Head And Back In My Bed
Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill
Pardon My Southern Movements, Miss Lou (?)
Please Bypass This Heart
She Can't Get My Love off the Bed
She Even Woke Me Up to Say Goodbye
She Feels Like A New Man Tonight
She Gave Her Heart to Jethro and Her Body to the Whole Danged World
She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft
She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
She Was Bred in Old Kentucky, But She's Just a Crumb Out Here
She Was Only a Cattleman's Daughter, But All the Horsemen Knew 'Er.
She's Out Doing What I'm Here Doing Without
(or You're Out Doing What I'm Here Doing Without)
Sleeping Single in a Double Bed
Somebody Must Have Loved You Right Last Night
Somebody Shoot Out the Jukebox
Swing Wide Your Gate Of Love
Take Me to Heaven (Before You Take Me Home)
Tennis Must Be Your Racket 'Cause Love Means Nothin' To You
Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone
The Last Word In Lonesome Is "me"
The Pint of No Return
The Wife of the Party
The Worst You Ever Gave Me Was the Best I Ever Had
There Ain't No Waste In My Baby's Love Canal
They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out ...
This Time I'm Gonna Beat You to the Truck
Timber, I'm Falling in Love
Touch Me With More Than Your Hands
Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart
We Used to Just Kiss on the Lips But Now It's All Over
What Made Milwaukee Famous (Has Made a Loser Out of Me)
What's a Fool Like Me Doing In a Love Like This
When We Get Back To the Farm (That's When We Really Go To Town)
When We Were Down to Nothin' (Nothin' Sure Looked Good on You)
When You Leave, Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In ...
(or Walk Out Backwards Slowly So I'll Think You're Walking In)
Who You Gonna Believe, Me Or Your Lying Eyes?
Who's Taking Care of the Caretaker's Daughter ...
... (While the Caretaker's Busy Taking Care)?
Would Jesus Wear A Rolex on His Television Show?
You Blacked My Blue Eyes Once Too Often
You Can Tell the Man Who Boozes (By the Company He Chooses)
You Can't Deal Me All The Aces And Expect Me Not To Play
You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too
You Done Stomped on My Heart (and Smashed That Sucker Flat) ...
(or You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat)
You Hurt The Love Right Out Of Me
You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life
You Won't Be Back But George and Jack Will Help Me Make It Through The Night
You'd Make an Angel Want to Cheat
You're Ruining My Bad Reputation
You're the First Time I Thought About Leaving
You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
Your Negligee Has Turned to Flannel Nightgowns

[Leo Lazauskas]

Here are a few strange words and phrases from:

The Canting Academy; or, Villanies Discovered:
2nd ed. F.Leach, London.

Lexicon Balatronicum,
"A Dictionary of Buckish Slang, University Wit and
Pickpocket Eloquence",
Compiled originally by Captain Grose,
London 1811.

and

The Scoundrels Dictionary; or, an Explanation
of the Cant Words use by Thieves, Housebreakers, Street Robbers,
and Pickpockets about Town.
Brownnell, London, 1754.

I have included the original meanings, punctuation and asterisks.
Some are very weird.

Barrel Fever: He died of barrel fever; he killed himself by drinking.

Black Spice Racket: To rob chimney sweeps of their soot and bag.

To box the Jesuit and get cockroaches: A sea term for
masturbation; a crime, it is said, much practised by the
reverend fathers of that society.


Bung your eye: Drink a dram; strictly speaking, to drink till
one's eye is bunged up or closed.

Chalkers: Men of wit, in Ireland, who in the night amuse
themselves by cutting inoffensive passengers across the face
with a knife.

Deadly Nevergreen: that bears fruit all year round. The gallows.

Feague: To feague a horse; to put ginger up a horse's
fundament, and formerly, as it is said, a live eel, to make
him lively and carry his tail well.

Green sickness: The disease of maids occasioned by celibacy.

Kill Devil: New still-burnt rum.

Lazybones: An instrument like a pair of tongs, for old or very
fat people to take anything from the ground without stooping.

Mumble a Sparrow: A cruel sport practised at wakes and fairs,
in the following manner: A cock sparrow whose wings are clipped,
is put into the crown of a hat; a man having his arms tied
behind him, attempts to bite off the sparrow's head, but is
genrally obliged to desist, by the many pecks and pinches he
receives from the enraged bird.

Nickumpoop, Nincumpoop: A foolish fellow; also one who
never saw his wife's ****.

Short-heeled Wench: A girl apt to fall on her back.

Tenant at Will: One whose wife usually fetches him from the alehouse.

Vice Admiral of the Narrow Seas: A drunken man that pisses
under the table into his companion's shoes.

[apex1]

IGNORANUS: a person who is both stupid and a "rectum".

That made my day.

And it is self explanatory, hence very useful in discussions.

Richard

[Fanie]

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Irishman says, “Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there’s a better one. At MacDougal’s, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!”

The others agree that sounds like a nice place.

Then the Italian says, “Yeah, that’s a nice bar, but where I come from, there’s a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there’s this place, Vinny’s. At Vinny’s, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink.”

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Polish guy says, “You think that’s great? Where I come from, there’s this place called Warshowski’s. At Warshowski’s, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!”

“Wow!” say the other two. “That’s fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?”

“No,” replies the Polish guy, “but it happened to my sister!”

[Fanie]

Tim O'Rourke was walking his Irish Setter in the country side. He picked up a stick and threw it, the dog went and retrieved it and brought it back. Tim then threw it in a different direction and the dog once again went and retrieved it and brought it back.

Tim then threw it in another direction and it landed in a small lake. The dog went down to the water's edge, walked across the water, picked up the stick and brought it back.

Well, Tim was astounded. He couldn't believe what he had seen and threw stick in the lake again, and the dog once again walked across the water to bring the stick back. As he went into town, he promised that he would show his dog's wonderful new trick to the first person he came across.

Once in town the first person the dog owner came across was the town drunk Declan Dunphy. Tim dragged Declan to the lake to show him what his dog could do.

Once again, the dog owner threw the stick into the small lake and the dog went to the water's edge, walked across the water, picked up the stick and brought it back to it's owner. Once the drunk saw that, he turned to the dog owner and said;

"Why that's great, mister!
But when are you going to teach your dog how to swim?"

[Fanie]

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says,
"Good Lord! He's done it again!"

[Fanie]

There is an Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman driving through the desert. They are driving along at quite a rate when the fan belt snaps. "Fanbelt's gone lads, we'll have to abandon the jeep." says the Scotsman turns to the others and goes, "Right on guys take one thing that will be of use." The englishman opens up the bonnet and rips out the radiator. The scotsman turns around and says, "What you gonna do with that?" "It's still got a bit of water in it, I can use it as a canteen." Says the Englishman "Good thinkin," says the Scotsman removing the hood. "What use is that?" says the Englishman. "You know I burn easily, It'll keep the sun off." "Good point." The two turn round to ask the Irishman what he's taking. They are both shocked to find the Irishman breaking his back trying to tear the passenger's door off. "Paddy? What the hell you gonna do with that?" they ask. "Well, when I get too hot I can wind the window down."

[Fanie]

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "...Where ya callin' from?"

[troy2000]

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says,
"Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Paddy Murphy ran a stop sign, and clipped a car being driven by a priest. They got out of their vehicles and Paddy asked, "are you all right, Father?"

The priest said, "I'm fine, son; just a little shaken," and Paddy said, "I've an unopened bottle of Jameson's in my car, Father; how about a nip to calm your nerves?"

"Why, thank you. Perhaps just a taste," the priest said. So Paddy dug out the bottle, the priest took a healthy swig, and Paddy told him, "have another, Father; there's plenty."

After a few more good belts, the Priest said, "oh dear, I'm losing my manners. Here, it's your whiskey after all; don't you want some of it?"

And Paddy said, "no thank you, Father; go ahead and finish it. I'll just stand here and wait for the police to arrive...."

[hoytedow]

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "...Where ya callin' from?"

Introducing...........Gallagher!:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWN9rTc08GU

[gunship]

Rudyard Kipling once read in the newspaper that he was dead. He wrote a letter to the newspaper: "I've just read that I am dead. Don't forget to delete me from your list of subscribers."

[troy2000]

Rudyard Kipling once read in the newspaper that he was dead. He wrote a letter to the newspaper: "I've just read that I am dead. Don't forget to delete me from your list of subscribers."

I think it was Mark Twain who wrote to a newspaper that had published his obituary, "reports of my death are greatly exaggerated."

[Angélique]

Nice dictionary Richard..!!

I've not read it all yet, I'll do it in stages . . . . Tanks . . :)



Woman: Decorative part of the crew, too young, too blond, too silly, but a must have in the marina pub (cannot pee over the railing)Yes can, but hit the railing too . . :p
. . . but most goes over . . ;)
Able seaman: Can pee over the railing ...Well, for many men its the last thing they do after drinking and before drowning..!!

They are often found dead in the water (if found at all) with zip open and alcohol in the blood . . .


But if you do, better . . 49697 . . practice young . . . :P

Cheers :cool:
Angel


PS - left handed boy

[cthippo]

If WW1 were a bar fight:

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria’s pint.

Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg.

Germany expresses its support for Austria’s point of view.

Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit.

Serbia points out that it can’t afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria’s trousers.

Russia and Serbia look at Austria.

Austria asks Serbia who it’s looking at.

Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone.

Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it to do so.

Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that this is sufficiently out of order that Britain should not intervene.

Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it?

Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action.

Britain and France ask Germany whether it’s looking at Belgium.

Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper. When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone.

Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium.

France and Britain punch Germany. Austria punches Russia. Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other.

Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over. Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it’s on Britain’s side, but stays there. Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria.

Australia punches Turkey, and gets punched back. There are no hard feelings because Britain made Australia do it.

France gets thrown through a plate glass window, but gets back up and carries on fighting. Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change.

Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway. Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting.

America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a barstool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself.

By now all the chairs are broken and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany’s fault . While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends.

[gunship]

Haha!

[hoytedow]

If WW1 were a bar fight:

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria’s pint.

Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg.

Germany expresses its support for Austria’s point of view.

Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit.

Serbia points out that it can’t afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria’s trousers.

Russia and Serbia look at Austria.

Austria asks Serbia who it’s looking at.

Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone.

Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it to do so.

Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that this is sufficiently out of order that Britain should not intervene.

Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it?

Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action.

Britain and France ask Germany whether it’s looking at Belgium.

Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper. When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone.

Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium.

France and Britain punch Germany. Austria punches Russia. Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other.

Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over. Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it’s on Britain’s side, but stays there. Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria.

Australia punches Turkey, and gets punched back. There are no hard feelings because Britain made Australia do it.

France gets thrown through a plate glass window, but gets back up and carries on fighting. Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change.

Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway. Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting.

America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a barstool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself.

By now all the chairs are broken and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany’s fault . While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends.Wow! We did win the war, though. :)

[srimes]

If WW1 were a bar fight:

Wait a minute - France punched somebody?

[gunship]

Wait a minute - France punched somebody?

:p

More that the US did, by far, but they had exhausted their military by after the first three years, then Britain stood for most of the punching. Germany surrendered because of the naval blockade starving them out and then because the US would tip the balance, once they got their army going. Just after Germany defeated Russia, Germany had a slight superiority on the western front. Their offensive was enormously successful, but was countered by the Brits slamming their tanks in it's path.

[troy2000]

:p

More that the US did, by far, but they had exhausted their military by after the first three years, then Britain stood for most of the punching. Germany surrendered because of the naval blockade starving them out and then because the US would tip the balance, once they got their army going. Just after Germany defeated Russia, Germany had a slight superiority on the western front. Their offensive was enormously successful, but was countered by the Brits slamming their tanks in it's path.

Keep in mind that because France refused to join the invasion of Iraq, some people here routinely make her the butt of jokes about military ineptness or lack of resolve.... when I was growing up, it was the Italians the joke were told about.

Personally, I see no reason why France should have joined us in attacking Saddam Hussein; there was nothing in it for her. Her foreign policy is quite rightly based on what she considers her best interests, not ours.

One of my brothers was stationed in Europe while he was in the Army, and had nothing but respect for the French soldiers he encountered.

[ancient kayaker]

:p
... Germany had a slight superiority on the western front. Their offensive was enormously successful, but was countered by the Brits slamming their tanks in it's path.

- ah, yes, a hi-tech weapon that, for the time. Technology continued to improve, and according to Monty Python the winning of the WW II went like this -

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gpjk_MaCGM

[Fanie]

:D Piece broke out !

Was it Desmund Tutu who said -
We want piece !
We demand piece !
The whole piece ! (referring to SA land of course)

[Fanie]

Cheers
Angel


PS - left handed boy

No, the picture was just mirrored :D

[troy2000]

If WW-II were played online:

*Hitler[AoE] has joined the game.*....

Leo, I printed this out and sent it to my son, who's in Army boot camp. Being a hard-core gamer and now a soldier too, he should enjoy it.