Uplifting and Helpful Quotes

I have a tip for everyone, it is this, "never listen to tipsters".

 

Sh*t in one hand and wish in the other and see which one fills up first.

my Grandfather

Be the change that you wish to see in the world. Gandi

 

You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar.

Never do today what someone else will do for you tomorrow.

The hurrier I go... the behinder I get.

 

And the all time low brow favorite, if a frog had wings he wouldn't bump his ***.

 

Yeah, but at least it's waterproof . . .

 

Speaking of frog: http://news.nationalgeographic.com/...ogy-britain-wiltshire-french-english-british/

 

Anger is the wind that blows out the candle of the mind.
Luke Dimou

 

"What do you mean you can't scrub the boat because it's raining?" Mate to deckhand.

 

I think my favorite is: 'If it breaks, make it stronger. If it's not broke, try harder!'

I have a whole page of these on my blog: http://she-kon.blogspot.ca/p/favorite-quotes.html

 

Here are a recent few from my on-going collection:

159. Money can’t buy happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. (Spike Milligan),
160. You enter this world naked, wet, and cold, and then things get worse.
161. If you can count all your money, you don’t have a billion dollars. (J. Paul Getty).
162. To stay young, laugh often, laugh long and loud, laugh until you gasp for breath.
163. Don’t worry about anything now that can be worried about later.
164. A billion here, a billion there, pretty soon you’re talking about real money. (Everett Dirksen).
165. Life is something to do when you can’t get to sleep.
166. Always keep your words soft and sweet in case you have to eat them later.
167. Life’s a joke, and then you croak!
168. God must love stupid people, he made so many.
169. Never trust a ship or boat captain who enjoys swimming.
170. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. (P.J. O’Rourke).
171. The location of all objects cannot be known simultaneously. If something is found, something else will disappear.
172. The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
173. If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
174. Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
175. If you just keep killing people, it usually solves the problem.
176. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
177. Handle every stressful situation like a dog. If you can’t eat it or hump it, pee on it and walk away.
178. I suffer from kleptomania, but when it gets really bad, I just take something for it.
179. Talk low. Talk slow. And don’t talk too much. (John Wayne).
180. Revolt always comes from below. No man with four aces asks for a new deal. (Richard Needham, newspaper columnist).
181. Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant. (George Burns).
182. Marriage is a relationship where one person is always right and the other person is the husband.
183. If you can keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
184. Lightning is very selective and will not strike crap.

Eric

 

Buttered toast on the back of a falling cat ... perpetual motion machine.

Anyhoo: "If even George Lucas won't try to cash in on it, you know it's bad." TMM, Allspark forums, re: the Star Wars Holiday special

 

My favourite quote: "Get over it!"

Poida

 

The early bird may get the worm, but it's the later mouse who gets to eat the cheese

 

A preacher was presenting a sermon on the evils of alcohol and tobacco. For this he presented three cans. One, he announced, was full of good clean dirt and living earth worms. The others held some booze or air thick with tobacco smoke and, of course, dead worms.

He challenged his audience to tell his what that meant and was surprised that a particular cantankerous old man was the one who stepped forward.

"Ed?"

"I reckon it means if y'all drink and smoke you'll not get worms!"

 

Don't take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night . . .