Must share this...

Discussion in 'All Things Boats & Boating' started by Bergalia, Apr 5, 2007.

  1. Bergalia
    Joined: Aug 2005
    Posts: 2,517
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    Location: NSW Australia

    Bergalia Senior Member

    Browsing my 'other' forum on UK Climbing.com I picked up this little gem from fellow contributor El-Cap:

    Modern-day Trafalgar

    Just prior to the battle at Trafalgar:-:

    Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

    Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

    Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's
    the meaning of this?"

    Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

    Nelson: "England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race,
    gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability". "What
    gobbledygook is this?"

    Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunity
    employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors,
    lest it be considered racist"

    Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

    Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free work
    environments."

    Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let's splice the main
    brace to steel the men before battle."

    Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
    Government's policy on binge drinking."

    Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full
    speed ahead."

    Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
    stretch of water."

    Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
    history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest
    please."

    Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

    Nelson: "What?"

    Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And
    they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone
    up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

    Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

    Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the bridge, Admiral."

    Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

    Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
    environment for the differently abled."

    Nelson: "Differently abled! I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even
    to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing
    the disability card."

    Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the
    areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

    Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

    Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the
    crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing
    in too much salt. haven't you seen the adverts?"

    Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men
    to stand by to engage the enemy."

    Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

    Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."
    Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged
    with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid
    lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

    Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

    Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

    Nelson: "We're not?"

    Hardy: "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners
    now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this
    stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

    Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

    Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-coordinator hear you saying
    that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary."

    Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

    Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.
    Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules."

    Nelson: "Don't tell me, health and safety, whatever happened to rum, sodomy
    and the lash?"

    Hardy: "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
    corporal punishment."

    Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

    Hardy: "It's a tradition that's still to be encouraged, sir."

    Nelson: "In that case. kiss me Hardy.
     
    Last edited: Apr 5, 2007
  2. timgoz
    Joined: Jul 2006
    Posts: 1,079
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    Location: SW PA USA

    timgoz Senior Member

    Sums up the absurdity prevelant to, and "handicapping" modern "warfare".

    To bad the enemies of the western world do not prescribe to the same ludicrous ideaology, but to a much more brutal & effective one.

    TGoz
     
  3. yipster
    Joined: Oct 2002
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    Location: netherlands

    yipster designer

    thats the world today; a ball of confusion ( allready a old song )
    never the less very funny and thanks for sharing Bergalia :D
     

  4. westlawn5554X
    Joined: Aug 2006
    Posts: 1,332
    Likes: 31, Points: 0, Legacy Rep: 355
    Location: home lazy n crazy

    westlawn5554X STUDENT

    Hmmm..... Very interesting... gonna print this and stick it to my working boats.:D
     
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