BOAT JOKES (we need a few laughs)

[Frosty]

These jokes are really good, but does any one know any new ones, and maybe a bit funny.

Actually I am insulted by the reference to a cleft palate.

I have a cleft palate and its not flunny.

[masalai]

I was waiting for that. A drinking buddy, whilst I was in Townsville, was the source, and he was likewise afflicted, except, with a few under the belt, could not be stopped with incessant jokes on himself. Those were some of the less offensive I remember from his repertoir. With a full charge he was almost unintelligible, but when sober to three parts to the wind - perfect diction. Don't know how he did it. What a funny bastard though.

[Frosty]

Strangely my dog has a cleft palate too. He also has an ear missing after a fight with a bigger dog. One leg missing of the stern from a road accident with a Toyota, and It would have been nice if the vet could have saved his eye,
(same accident) .

However he manages to keep a smile, ( I think its a smile) even though he has lost most of his hair in the fire.

We adopted him fom his last home that burnt down when his master commit suicide with him locked in the room.

Hes a lovely dog,--- We call him 'lucky'

[masalai]

Have I posted this one before?

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down & enrolled him in the local Catholic School.

After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn’t kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying.

Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little
Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: “Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?” Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head. “Well, then,” she replies, “was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?” Little Tommy looks at her and says, “Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t fooling around.”

[masalai]

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Australian on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

“Last night I made love to my wife four times,” the Frenchman bragged,” and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me.”

“Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times,” the Italian responded, “and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man.”

When the Australian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, “And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?”

“Once,” he replied.

“Only once?” the Italian arrogantly snorted. “And what did she say to you this morning?”

“Don’t stop now.”

[masalai]

A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out of the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach.

Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate.

All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother.

"I was taking pee and this bullet came out." replies the daughter.

About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. "Mom,I was taking pee and this bullet came out."

Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago.

A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay," says the
mom, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out."

"No," says the boy, "I was jerking off and I shot the dog."

[masalai]

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were convicted of a crime and sent to jail.

Then they decide to escape, the brunette jumps up on the wall and then jumps in the bushes on the other side.The guards poke their heads around the door to see what the noise was so the brunette says, "meow meow."
The guards say, "Don't worry it was just a cat."

So then the redhead has to go, she gets up on the wall and jumps off into the bushes. Once again the guards come out and see what the trouble was and the redhead says, "meow meow."
The guards say, "oh never mind, just another cat..."

So then its the blonde's turn, so she gets up on the wall and jumps off, and into the bushes. And the guards come out once again to see what all the noise is, so the blonde says, "Don't Worry, its just Another Cat!!"

[masalai]

4 husbands were sitting at the waiting room in a hospital
waiting for their wives to give birth.

Soon, a nurse came out from the delivery room and told the first daddy:
"Congratulations, you've twins!".
"Oh!..... maybe it's just a coincidence" said the daddy,
"as I'm working at the Petronas Twin Towers".

Then another nurse came out of the room and told the second daddy:
"Congratulations, you've triplets!"
"Wooow!, this is a coincidence,too" said the second daddy.
"I am working for 3M Corporation".

A while later, another nurse appeared and told the third daddy:
"Congratulations! your wife got quadruplets"
"Thanks God. Perhaps this is also a coincidence".
"I work at Four Seasons Hotel!".

Meanwhile, the fourth daddy-to-be was becoming very worried.
All the 3 daddies asked him: "Why do you look so worried?".
He answered, "...uhmmm.... I'm working at Seven-Eleven!"

[Frosty]

Yawwn, yes thats right, you have.

Ok ille play along.

Kid at the back of the class with a new teacher. "miss miss I want to go for a piss" The teacher is shocked ,she says " you dont say that in my class , you ask please me I number 1".
Oh Ok says the kid and says "please may I number 1" Ok says the teacher you may leave the room.

Ten minutes later another kids shout "Miss I want to ****". The teacher is appaled "you don't say that" she scolded " you say please may I number 2"
Ok says the kid " please may I number 2 " "yes said the teacher you may leave the room.

Little tommy shouts "Miss miss tommy wants to fart but he does'nt know the code number"

[masalai]

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child!

What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said,"Let me tell you a story.

I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle."

"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor


Bugger the umbrella, I only have blanks now, so if she gets in the family way I know who has been fcuking around besids me.

[masalai]

Little Johnny was in a biology class where the anatomy of frogs was the discussion. Johnny was asked where was his frog for disection? and replied:

"Miss we was checking out the frog & decided to stick a firecracker up its arse.."

Johnny was stopped and told by the teacher that the word was rectum.

"Yes Miss we rectim oright blew the frog to smitherines!"

[masalai]

One day a little boy and his mother were walking through the park.

The little boy sees a couple having sex on a park bench and asks his mom what they are doing.

The mother was so shocked that she blurted out, "Nothing son, they're just making a cake..."

Later on that afternoon, she took her son to the zoo.

As they approached the monkey cage, the little boy looks up to see two monkeys going at it and again asks his mother what they're doing.

She replies, "Nothing son, they're just making a cake..."

The next morning, the mother was making breakfast.

When her son woke up, he came into the kitchen, looked at his mother, and said, "Mommy, you and daddy made a cake on the couch last night."

The mother was shocked and asked the son how did he know... he simply replied,

"Because I ate the icing off of the cushion!"

[Frosty]

Jeees your a fast typer, and you dot make any mistakhs ether.

I need a new secratey. Have you got nice legs?

[masalai]

Frosty. . . Post this one on your bikie thread!

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle.
Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper, and not having much luck.
One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it.
Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition.
He inquires about it with the owner:
"This bike is beautiful! I'll take it.
But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape.
"Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple.
Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.
It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore.
Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.
So the guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker.

He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend.
She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan).
That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house.

It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression.
When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.
Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in.
When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says.
And in they go.The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word.
So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts.
He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet.
So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table.
Still, no one says a word.

"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks.
So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table.
Again, total silence.
Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain.
He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."

[masalai]

A CEO-type was in the hospital, being treated for a minor deal.
For a week he'd made a complete nuisance of himself,irritating all the staff, shouting orders and demanding attention, complaining about the food, the bed, the temperature, the weather.

Typical big shot.

One morning a nurse's helper entered the room, saying,
"Time to take your temperature, sir."

After growling that she was disturbing his nap, the guy finally opened his mouth for the thermometer.

"Sorry, sir," said the nurse, "but for this test we need your temperature from the other end."

After bitching about the embarrassment and inconvenience,the guy finally rolled over and bared his butt.
After the nurse finished, she said,
"Stay exactly like that and don't move.I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you."

The nurse left, leaving the door ajar.
The guy's back is to the door, and for over an hour, he hears people wandering up and down the hall, laughing.
At length the guy's doctor entered the room, saw the guy with his bare butt in the air and gawked.
Finally, he asks, "What's going on here?

"The guy barks, "Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

"Not with a daffodil."