Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

I was in the "Texas Rose" tavern last night at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer (woman) packing a Colt 45 came up behind me and slapped me on the butt.

She said, "Hey Sexy, I dig old guys, how about giving me your number?"

I looked at her and said, "Do you have a pen?"

"I sure do," she answered.

"Well," I said, "You better get back into it before the farmer notices that you're missing."

My dental surgery is on Monday.

 

http://imgur.com/gallery/xoBrp

 

Nice.

 

To be sure.

 

This is a true story:
A colleague and myself had to fly to HK for a meeting, after taking the airport express to central we had to hail a cab. We gave the driver the name of our booked hotel and he set off, he pulls up at the wrong hotel and after some consultation sets off for the correct hotel. During this part of the journey i notice the driver name plate "Wong Wei Sun" nearly p#ssed myself laughing !

 

Keeping the individual involved anonymous to avoid acrimony, a public personage recently opined that in some neighborhoods books were harder to get and more expensive than guns.

To that my humorous response is that this demonstrates the need to book registration, licenses, and other impediments to book ownership so that the gangs will finally make it a point to bring books into the hood at prices people can afford.

 

Not a boat joke, so you don't have to laugh if you don't want to...

 

Two blonds were talking.
1st Blond:- That David is so nice, he dresses so well.
2nd Blond:- Yes. And quickly too.

 

Once, a Blonde woke up in the wee hours of the morning to find her house was on fire. She called the operator, yelling into the phone: "Hurry, connect me to the fire department! My house is on fire and I don't want to lose all my stuff!"

The operator, sensing she was in a panic calmly reassured her that she was already contacting them and could she please tell how the fire department was to get to her home?

There was a pause before the more confused than panicked woman asked: "Don't they still have those big red trucks?"

 

Oh my life. The Vegan Black Metal Chef. Glorious. Genius. A little bit sweary. Here's one episode at random:

 

The female vessel

Why a vessel is addressed as "she"?
Because to be in 'shape' it wears "breast hook".

 

You mean an anchor?

 

No, a breast hook is the triangular shaped brace located where the forward gunnels come together.

http://www.ageofsail.net/aoshipwd.asp?sletter=breast hook;iword=1

 

A man was at a bar on in Central America. He ordered a scotch, neat. The bartender presented him his drink but before he could pick it up small monkey ran out from under the counter and dipped its balls in his drink.

"The hell?!?" the man exclaimed in shock.

The bartender must have noticed because without a word he swept up the drink, apologized, and had soon presented him a fresh drink in a clean glass.

But wouldn't you know it, that monkey was a fast lil'bugger and no sooner was the drink sat down than it was balls in!

The bartender sighed and apologized, again, but added that the man needed to be quicker getting his drink because this was the last redo.

But the man was more curious now than mad so he asked about the monkey. What was up with that?

"I wish I knew, sir, this is my first week here. Maybe you should ask the pianist ... he's been here 20 years."

This time the bartender handed the man his drink directly and as the man left to saunter over to the piano he noticed the monkey glaring at him angrily, presumably because his balls were "dry" this time.

"Say," the man tapped the piano to get the pianist's attention, "do you know the monkey that dipped his balls in my scotch?"

The pianist shook his head: "No sir, but if you hum a few bars maybe I can wing it?"

 

I don't get it. May be my english isn't good enough. What means to wing in this sentence? To fly?... I get it. Funny joke...