Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

0773H Par, that was a good one... the CBI is a good touch.

Did you know Chief Running Water had two sons ? Their names were Hot and Cold.

Why is the letter T like an island ? Because it sticks out in the middle of water.

Couple of cartoon boat jokes here https://sailingcartoons.wordpress.com/

 

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!". The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!". The battle was on, and once again the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?". The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid". The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to their Captain for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!!

Why don't pirates go to strip clubs? They already have all the booty!
Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet? Because they can spend years at C!
What's a horny pirate's worst nightmare? A sunken chest with no booty!
What did the pirate say when his wooden leg got stuck in the freezer? Shiver me timbers!
What do pirates and pimps have in common? They both say "YO HO!" and walk with a limp!
Stolen from http://www.piratejokes.net/jokes/top20?pg=1 There's more...

 

A sculptor, a civil engineer and a computer scientist were arguing about the primacy of their professions.
"God created man out of clay," said the sculptor, "and so was clearly a sculptor."
"Before that," said the engineer, "He separated earth and waters from the chaos -- an immense feat of civil engineering. God was an engineer first."
"And how do you think," answered the computer scientist, "the chaos was made?"

 

I just stumbled across this old one...

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words 'complete' and 'finished' in a way that's so easy to understand:

Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED but there is:

When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE....

And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.....

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ... COMPLETELY FINISHED

 

Weather forecasting stone

What do think of the following joke;
Weather forecasting stone:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Weather_rock
Probably one of the oldest jokes but still funny.

 

Yes but you must be careful what words you use... it has very different meanings throughout the world.

Our mates down under think it's something they must get...
(like getting stoned),

And I hear the Scots have some religious stone which is their turn to hold.
(a pet rock ?)

In Africa it means they have to start throwing it...
(like starting a riot),

Hoyte and them blokes in the US of A think it's a boat anchor
(you get hooked)

The English may start rolling them stones...
(the rolling stones)

And if the English start stacking it ...
(you may have another Stonehenge)

If the middle east start to cast in stone....
(they may get new commandments)

The Escimo's think of Cold Stone
(they're serving the icecream already)

The Egyptians think of rosetta stone....
(reading the story one more time *sigh*)

Some places do not have stones...
(they just dream of such things)

Other places only have stones...
(they probably think you're nuts).

The rest probably just think of Emma Stone....
(Must admit, I like that she is Super bad... !)

The kind of dirty you can't wash off ?

That's the thing with a weather stone, heather you use it for rain or drink, or weather you use it or not....

 

I am in culture shock, but funny anyway

 

See Shakel, you have made Stone_Soup

 

Goes to show how easy one overlook the most obvious.
Stone soup is inevitable considering where our currency sits at >14 to the $... and it's getting worse considering the drought that already had crops fail everywhere
The way things go we will have to start import stones too.

 

It's kinda sad that one of the best analogies for money worldwide is a group of drowning men: some weaker than others.

So clearly we need more jokes!

Hmmmm ...

Ah, a pious old minister died and in short order found himself standing before the pearly gates.

All was quiet.

Just then another man, whom he didn't recognize, walked up and a great cacophony of bells, trumpets, bagpipes and shouts of joy rang out as a large crowd descended on the other man, lifted him up to their shoulders and proceeded to carry him it amid pomp and ceremony.

Always humble and awed to be present at such a spectacle the old minister joined in the throng but soon became a bit self-conscious, even embarrassed, they he'd somehow not recognized the man.

So he judiciously waited for the right opportunity to ask one of the celebrants about him.

"Oh, he'd the rarest of the rare!" the other proclaimed, "A lawyer ... up here!"

 

Donald J *****.......

 

As you're from the UK you may not be familiar with the Bloom County (later Outland) comic strip. If you don't like Trump you may find a few at-Trump chuckles therein. Also, I generally recommend Bloom County proper as one of the best comic strips ever.

IIRC, GoComics is rerunning the strip here, http://www.gocomics.com/bloomcounty

Edit: I dug back to the beginning of their archives, http://www.gocomics.com/bloomcounty/1980/12/08

 

The only thing funny about Trump are the folks suggesting they'll vote for him, which brings me to some basic facts. He's running for the Republican primary. Who votes and responds to polling in this primary? Well, 95% of the skinheads, 97% of the Aryan Brotherhood, 98% of the KKK, a few old white men and women and the undereducated of the working whites. Not a surprise, until you see what this represents. Currently carrying about 30% in the latest polls, this amounts to 5% of the Republican electorate, because only about 15% actually bother to vote in the primaries. So yep, he's winning big among the likely primary voters, who happen to be the most disenchanted of all and usually don't turn out for the general anyway. Trump is literally the best thing to happen for the Democratic party since Sarah Palin, probably more so, given the divisive and demeaning nature he's brought to the table.

 

What happens if he runs as an independent, is there preferential voting in a three-way contest ?

 

My Liverpool born and bred (as I) father who experienced the full force of WW11 maintained the US was the greatest nation on earth until his last breath and said the 70 years of global peace since the end of WW11 was because the US was a natural leader willing to step forward when needed. I prefer to maintain that view. People like Trump, a foul motor-mouthed, social media junkie's delight undermine the respect the world has for the US. Americans have a responsibility to act with dignity and project views tempered by the knowledge that sensationalism and politics do not mix, that silly comments at some stage come back to haunt you and that both friends and foes judge your ability by your words. Trump is just that, a trump.