Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

I'm laughing so much, that hurts...

A guy enters in a house with no good intentions. He is in the living room, suddenly he hears a sepulchral voice;
Jesus is watching you!
WTF he thinks, I'm hearing voices now. The voice again;
Jesus is watching you!
Being no believer, he looks for, find a parrot and laughs.
You the parrot, you're Jesus.
The parrot answers
No, no, I'm Joseph, Jesus is the rottweiler just behind you, with Magdalene the kangal.

 

A big bunch of years ago, I did a lot of cross country races. Not running by foot, but riding. My best horse, a champion, was a black male thoroughbred with a character lets say delicate; intelligent, dominant, aggressive and very volatile. But a fearless and courageous horse in life and races.
The horse was with all the material (saddle etc...) in a box with the red ribbon (=dangerous biter) on the door at the hippodrome before the races while we were eating a sandwich at the snack.
A guy arrives screaming there is a problem with your horse. We run the 400 yards and found a crowd in front of the box.
At the door, my horse had plenty of blood around the mouth and was in rage trying to bite and kick everyone who tried to enter. A total confusion. My heart stopped, I thought that my horse had an haemorrhage...I'm told that someone is inside, his screams gave the alert.
I talk to my horse, he recognizes me and let me get in. I rescue the unconscious guy covered of blood. A broken shoulder, a ripped face (25 stitches) and very badly beaten. Happily for him, good Samaritans intervened and distracted the horse before he kills him.
Morality do not enter in a box for stealing the material or to drug a horse if you do not know this animal, specially when there is a red ribbon on the door...
End of the story; my horse won the steeple chase-cross country race with me as a potatoes bag pompously called gentleman rider, I managed to stay on; 20000 dollars (a lot of money then) 6800 meters (4.22 miles) 39 obstacles in less than 9 minutes making a record that remained 25 years, more than 45 kph of mean speed (28 mph) on a very selective cross. The second was lost 250 meters behind, the others 400 meters. On 13 horses, 6 fell and 2 stopped unable to follow the pace...My blacky was a fierce warrior.
30 minutes after the race, a good shower, and rolls on the sand, he was eating apples while watching with me the remaining races, amused like a boy watching a funny movie and eating pop corns.
After thinking over a lot, I renounced to throw a quidam in the box to put my horse in good mood before racing. Too many legal problems as my lawyer explained to me.

 

true story with an ending you can decide on.
Punter in stolen car in the UK racing in front of police ( its a sport in the UK), forgets where he is and rounds a corner at high speed only to run into the kids ( didnt kill any but injured many) crossing the road to go to school. All the parents right there
Cops cant get to him but when they do he is dead on the ground.
I think they charge like 60 people with manslaughter
The school was a mosque.

 

I eat my peas with honey,
I've done it all my life,
It does taste kind of funny,
But it keeps them on my knife.

Try Pigeon with Peas

 

You've wrong sources, they're from Europe, these are Albanian Migrants docked in the port of Bari in Italy in 1991.

Link 1 - - - - Link 2 - - - - Link 3 - - - - Link 4 ^{kinda translation} - - - - Link 5​

Last link is background information from a few months prior to the above photos.

 

I must have missed that one.
Do you have a source for the story?

 

Happened when I lived in the UK so before 2005

 

Hoho

http://postgradproblems.com/this-ar...king-fun-of-hipsters-is-hilariously-accurate/

 

That was too funny...the ginger was a nice touch. You have the equivalent in some Wooden Boat ads...

 

And here is something "real" - PhD's summarising their work. (some in the comments are pretty good too).
http://www.tickld.com/x/15-phd-students-dumb-down-their-thesis-just-for-us

 

I'm speaking just for myself, but I sometimes suspect that "Italian design" may situationally mean "it looks like everything that's popular now".

 

Italian Honeymoon

After returning from his honeymoon with his bride Virgina, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in

Jersey to say hello to his friends.

Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep down to Florida ?"

Luigi, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down."

"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia , she packa big basket a food.

She brought da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da l uncha basket.

The conductore come aby, waga his finger at us anda say, 'No eat indisa car Musta use a dining car

So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta at open da bottle of a nice a vino!

Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car So, we go to cluba car.

While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar.

The conductore, he waga 'is finger again and say, 'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car

So we go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.

Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to our sleeper car anda go to bed.

We just about to go boombada boombada .... and the conductore, he walka through da hallway shouting at a top of his a voice..

'Nofolk Virginia ! Nofolk Virginia !'

"Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus...."

received in my email

 

The instructions on the package of sausages reads "cook for 4 minutes per side"

Okay, so we're having sweet potatoes, greenbeans and cornbread with them, so 12 minutes, I guess.

In the spirit of the dumbing-down. We have this to look forward to

https://xkcd.com/thing-explainer/

 

In the UK the British Horse Racing Aithority has to approve race horse names.
They turned down the name Norfolk and Chance...

Try commentating (the name) in a thick Irish accent, and you can understand why....

 

Norfolk rhymes with Joe Duck.