BOAT JOKES (we need a few laughs)

[Fanie]

"The Somalian Olympic team suffered an embarrassing moment during the Olympics earlier this week. The team representative had to apologise on behalf of his country as a result of this gaff. He stated “we apologise profusely for the actions of our team but we did not realise that swimming and shooting were two separate events.”

[Fanie]

This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada.
After a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain.

After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal
with antlers on the wall.

He asks the barman, "What the fook is that?"

The barman says, "It's a Moose."

The Scottish chap says, "Fook me! How big are the cats?"

[Fanie]

Just have to post this.

People can be quite lazy about answering letters. Brigitte Bardot for instance. I wrote to her once.
That delectable, pouting French film star of the 1950s who, in later life, became an animal rights activist (and is very sun-dried these days) - had written an impassioned plea to Nelson Mandela.

She asked him to intervene in an international dispute concerning elephant culling in Zimbabwe and Botswana.
Zimbabwe and Botswana wanted to cull their elephant herds but had, up to then, bowed to pressure from Europe’s "bunny-huggers". As a consequence 70 000 elephant which travel to and fro between these two countries irreparably damaged the ancient riverine forests along the Linyati and it was a case of either cull or face further ecological calamities.
There are 100 000 now.
It is difficult for people living in areas where elephants are rare - such as San Tropez and say, Manchester’s southern suburbs - to understand the environmental impact of elephant overpopulation
And certainly the people of Europe have no idea of the flatulence problem that elephants have. Their voluminous bowels are filled with methane gas. This is why these animals are so enormous.
If an elephant were to be totally degasified it would be the size of a warthog. Few people appreciate this.
If you were to light a match behind an elephant you could create a bizarre parody of the 1937 Hindenburg disaster.
I felt honour-bound to send this letter to Miss Bardot with whom I was in love from about 1954 until around 1969 when I switched to Francoise Hardy.
She never did reply.




Ms B Bardot
La Beach
St Tropez
France.

Mon petit cabbage,Bonjour, etc. Comment ca va? Enchantee, I’m sure.

I fear you do not understand what all these surplus elephants are doing to our environment here in Africa. Do you realise how much flatulence - if I may be so bold - there is in just one elephant?

I know I can discuss such matters freely with you because I saw you in Doctor in the House in 1953.

One elephant lets off half-a-ton of methane gas a year! Five hundred kilograms! (Don’t ask me how scientists weigh it but, indeed, they have.) There are 70 000 elephants criss-crossing between Zimbabwe and Botswana.

If they are left to go on increasing - and elephants breed just like rabbits except they huff and puff a bit more - will produce enough methane gas to greenhouse the world. And because they have demolished the forests that used to sustain them, they now have to live mostly off grass which produces in them a degree of flatulence you’d not believe.

They could, one day, blow a hole clean through the ozone layer. They could turn your precious St Tropez into a tropical hellhole filled with mosquitoes and rampaging government troops and crazed dictators. A herd of 70 000 elephants, living off grass, will release in one year, 35 000 tons of methane.

When even a small herd passes through a wooded area, yellow-eyed canaries fall out of the trees like ripe plums. Elephants live 50 to 60 years. Thus, in a lifetime, this herd will produce 1.7 million tons of gas!

Bearing in mind that methane, as a greenhouse gas, is 20 times more efficient than carbon dioxide, these elephants are going to pass into the atmosphere (if you will pardon moi) the equivalent of 30-million tons of carbon dioxide.

Then you have the problem of elephant dung. Well, YOU don’t because you are fortunate enough to be sitting on the beach at St Tropez rubbing dolphin-friendly sunblock on your bare whatsits. But WE do.

Seventy thousand elephants would leave more than 2 million tons of le poop grand in the veld in just one year. And, if we don’t cull them, the volume will increase by 5 percent per annum compounded. Can you imagine 2 million tons of this stuff, compounded?Imagine the methane arising there from?

Just think, in a few years from now, how innocent people will be wading about central Africa, knee-deep in elephant droppings! Imagine if somebody were to carelessly strike a match.

Well, mon petit epinard, I hope you now realise how misguided your campaign against culling is.
Au revoir mamoiselle,
James F Clarke
(Je suis votre trés grand devoté 1954-1969)

James Clarke came to South Africa in 1955 as a reporter looking for trouble. He quickly found it by marrying Lenka Babaya who claims she married him only because she always wanted a simple surname. He skillfully fathered two very beautiful daughters, Jenny and Julie, neither of whom think he is in the least bit funny. Clarke’s ambition is to become President of South Africa so that he can introduce the death penalty for people who say, "Is it?" every time one tells them something


http://africanxmag.com/bardot_and_elephant_culling.htm

[masalai]

A matter of religious understanding of the teachings of the bible...

Taking the Bible Literally

On her radio show, Dr. Laura said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Schlesinger, written by a US man and posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as quite informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness – Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord – Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there "degrees" of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev. 24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan,
James M. Kauffman,
Ed.D. Professor Emeritus,
Dept. of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education University of Virginia

Is it a mortal sin to use incorrect spelling and grammar? - I corrected the spelling but gave up on the grammar... -masalai- (a spiritual entity)

[Ilan Voyager]

Thanks Masalai for this very instructive post. I kept it and mode capies for all the Jehovah, Mormons, Evangelical, and other sects that spoil my Saturdays and Sundays. I feel that will be funny...

[troy2000]

Masalai, that ranks right up there with Bobby Henderson's open letter to the Kansas School Board -- in which he revealed the existence of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and demanded its origin myths be given equal weight in science classrooms with evolution and 'Intelligent Design.' Remember, we have all been touched by His noodly appendage.....

http://www.venganza.org/about/open-letter/

Before Pastafarians and their Flying Spaghetti Monster, there was Bertrand Russell and his cosmic teapot:

'Many orthodox people speak as though it were the business of sceptics to disprove received dogmas rather than of dogmatists to prove them. This is, of course, a mistake. If I were to suggest that between the Earth and Mars there is a china teapot revolving about the sun in an elliptical orbit, nobody would be able to disprove my assertion provided I were careful to add that the teapot is too small to be revealed even by our most powerful telescopes. But if I were to go on to say that, since my assertion cannot be disproved, it is intolerable presumption on the part of human reason to doubt it, I should rightly be thought to be talking nonsense. If, however, the existence of such a teapot were affirmed in ancient books, taught as the sacred truth every Sunday, and instilled into the minds of children at school, hesitation to believe in its existence would become a mark of eccentricity and entitle the doubter to the attentions of the psychiatrist in an enlightened age or of the Inquisitor in an earlier time.

Bertrand Russell, (1872–1970)

[rasorinc]

Now I have to worry about dying from the affects of ELEPHANT DUNG..................
MAKE COUNTRIES AND ZOOS with Elephants pay a carbon tax.

[ancient kayaker]

Originally Posted by rasorinc

Now I have to worry about dying from the affects of ELEPHANT DUNG..................
MAKE COUNTRIES AND ZOOS with Elephants pay a carbon tax.

Surely in this enlightened age there's a market for elephant dung. Once the need has been demonstrated by research and advertising the carbon tax will easily be covered by the profits. Many square miles will then be dedicated to raising elephants, displacing the people and other creatures who once lived there, and vast tracts of once sustainable farming land will become comfortably devastated, forming a fitting monument to prosperity. Elephant dung - or brown gold as it will become known - will become such an essential part of everyday life in the developed nations that the consequential damages to the planet will have to be accepted as a regrettable but necessary cost of maintaining modern living standards. On the plus side, once elephant dung farming is centralized and properly organized side products like methane can be distributed to where it is needed so that it can be further processed by the most efficient means, via vast, ugly gaspipes all over the countryside. That is how modern marketing forces work - you just aren't using your imagination!

[masalai]

This essay by John Pilger is along the same lines - find it here Are You Personally Prepared For a Natural Disaster? or read the pdf I posted
383362

[ancient kayaker]

This is really in the spirit of reasonable settlement!

[masalai]

The disease must be spreading, as here a similar ad implies that they are good, and ensure she does not get the lot - - or, - - if he is tardy, help her get the lot...

[Frosty]

Wearing a ring on your finger is a sign of stupidity.

Soo not funny--
I did it, -- Ive done my 18 months but I only need a kick up the arse once to learn . Ive known men do it 3 times. THEN they have the gall to say to me --'Oh you are lucky living in the sun on a boat'

Lucky!!! don't get me going.

Its up to you,--- in the sun on a boat, or a wife and 3 screaming kids?

I did'nt find It too difficult.

[ancient kayaker]

The object of the marriage thing is to avoid having an ex, not to avoid having a wife . . .

[hoytedow]

Hear, hear.

[troy2000]

Originally Posted by Frosty

Wearing a ring on your finger is a sign of stupidity.

Soo not funny--
I did it, -- Ive done my 18 months but I only need a kick up the arse once to learn . Ive known men do it 3 times. THEN they have the gall to say to me --'Oh you are lucky living in the sun on a boat'

Lucky!!! don't get me going.

Its up to you,--- in the sun on a boat, or a wife and 3 screaming kids?

I did'nt find It too difficult.

Don't like kids much, do you?

Mine weren't famous for screaming. In fact, if I'd known how much fun they were going to be, I'd have started them twenty years earlier.