BOAT JOKES (we need a few laughs)

[Ilan Voyager]

Originally Posted by MoeJoe

In the cold and dark winter of Sweden, a boy was very late to school. His teacher asked him why. The boy explained: "The road was so icy, that for every step I took forward, I slipped two steps back.." So the teacher asked; "Well then, how did you get here?". The boy answered - "I gave up and turned back home" .

I do like absurd....

A American tourist comes in Mexico City and decides to watch a bullfight at the Plaza de Toros. By luck he seats next to a Mexican who speaks some English.
Very kindly the Mexican explains to the tourist all the process of a lidia. Meantime the tourist looks at the bloody show feeling disgusted and sorry for the poor animal.
He asks: There is something I do not understand, why the bull does run to the piece of cloth?
- Señor, Mexican toros never run into the capa. They are clever animals. They never care of someone moving a piece of red cloth. But, yes, the Spanish cows get mad when seeing a red cloth.
- Wait, the animal here is a bull?
- Yes, un toro muy bravo (very fighter).
- And you say that Mexican toros never charge a red piece of cloth?
- Señor, Mexican toros are very short tempered. Very bravos. And they hate to be taken for Spanish cows. So they get very angry.

[hoytedow]

That is absurd.

[Ilan Voyager]

For sure. Made for. The fight bulls charge anything that moves.

[ancient kayaker]

The teacher should have told him "turn your back when your facing me!"

[Bamby]

A Tale of Two Vasectomies

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy.

Before the procedure a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vital signs; and then tells him to take all of his cloths off.

When he is fully undressed, she instructs him to lie down on the table. The man obeys.

The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him.

Upon the completion of the act, the man catches his breath and asks; "What was all that about?

The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy, if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the vasectomy is easier for the surgeon to perform thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and quicker.

The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room.

While they are going down the hall, the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating.

Curious, the man asks, "What are they doing in there?"

The nurse responds, "They are getting vasectomies too; but you have Blue Cross/Blue Shield and they have Obama Care!!"

[Frosty]

Surley there is enough here for a joke book.

[ancient kayaker]

Originally Posted by Frosty

Surley there is enough here for a joke book.

- at 1000 jokes per, volumes 1 thru' 6 of The Joke Encyclopedia and a start on volume 7!

[Fanie]

Children Are Quick
____________________________________

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
... GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago
WINNIE: Me
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie...... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,
but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIE: Because George still had the axe in his hand?
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your
brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No sir, it's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people
are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher?

[Fanie]

> FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER
> 8 years old
> Hateful little bastard
... > Bites!
>
> FREE PUPPIES
> 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog
>
> FREE PUPPIES
> Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd
> Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound
>
> COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED
> Also 1 gay bull for sale
>
> JOINING NUDIST COLONY
> Must sell washer and dryer £100
>
> WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE
> Worn once by mistake
> Call Stephanie

[Fanie]

I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A legless homeless man sat there on his skateboard with a tear in his eye and said 'I've not eaten for two days mate !.' I told him, ',Jeez !, I wish I had your will power.'


I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.


A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.' I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually '


I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said, 'Nope, you’re still black'


Snow in the forecast and the TV weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance, with a face like that!'


A 10 year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this morning' 'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.'


Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But due to all the new doctors we import, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!


Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.


I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself...'I’m going to take that.'

[Redtick]

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a
major fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he
frantically called his home office to hire a plane.

"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.

Sure enough, when he arrived at the small rural airport, a plane was warming
up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go!
Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the
air.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make
three or four low level passes."

"Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a
photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with
great exasperation and impatience.

After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the flight
instructor?"

[medaca]

Originally Posted by brian eiland

The following story was found posted at the Club Cruceros in La Paz, Mexico:

The American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied, "Only a little while."

The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish.

The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.

The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, and stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, señor."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spendmore time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats and eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then Los Angeles, and eventually New York where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But señor, how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "Fifteen to 20 years."

"But what then, señor?"

The American laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your companies stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions."

"Millions, señor? Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

Nice One!

[thudpucker]

On the wall of the Elmendorf Officers Club Latrine:

"Nuke em' till they glow, n' use their Asses for Landing lights!"

[lewisboats]

Somebody opened a can of SPAM around here.

[hoytedow]

Post some negative feedback.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cFrtpT1mKy8