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#5941
03-17-2012, 01:36 AM
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| A conversation in heaven SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda. WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die? SYLVIA: I froze to death. WANDA: How horrible! SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. SYLVIA: So, what happened? WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer ---we'd both still be alive.  |
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#5942
03-19-2012, 02:13 PM
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| Sense of Freshness.... A while ago a new supermarket opened in Woodvale Western Australia. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain. When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mowed hay. In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying. The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies. I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.
__________________ Regards Fanie Water ! Just gimme water ! |
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#5943
03-21-2012, 10:27 PM
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| Who could have guessed? More from the phantom news clipping service -
__________________ "Boats are like rabbits; you can have one boat or many, but you can't stop at two" - A. Onassis Boat designs: "a convoluted collection of discontinuous compromise" - Par ". . . ere the end, some work of noble note, may yet be done . . ." -Tennyson Dances with Turkeys |
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#5944
03-22-2012, 07:28 AM
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| Excerpts from a Dog's Diary.. 8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing! 9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing! 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing! 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing! 12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing! 1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing! 3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing! 5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing! 7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing! 8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing! 11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing! Excerpts from a Cat's Diary. Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards. There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.........
__________________ Regards Fanie Water ! Just gimme water ! |
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#5945
03-25-2012, 10:08 AM
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| Quote of the week - "It must be true, It was in the newspaper"
__________________ "Boats are like rabbits; you can have one boat or many, but you can't stop at two" - A. Onassis Boat designs: "a convoluted collection of discontinuous compromise" - Par ". . . ere the end, some work of noble note, may yet be done . . ." -Tennyson Dances with Turkeys |
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#5947
03-28-2012, 01:44 PM
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#5948
03-28-2012, 05:58 PM
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| Blond Joke A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blond wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How hell should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up. The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife answered, 'I don't know, some crazy woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.' 'Now how the hell would I know that!' |
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#5951
03-30-2012, 12:04 AM
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| From the kayak forum:- Three guys had an accident and went straight to heaven. When they got there, St. Peter said, "We only have one rule in heaven. Don't step on the ducks!" They entered heaven and sure enough there were ducks all over the place. It was almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they tried their best to avoid them the first guy accidentally stepped on one. Along came St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chained them together and said, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman". The next day, the second guy stepped accidentally on a duck and along came St. Peter, who didn't miss a thing, and with him was another ugly woman. He chained them together with the same admonishment as the first. The third guy had observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to a horrible looking woman was very careful where he stepped. He managed to go for months without stepping on any ducks. Then one day, St. Peter came up to him with the most gorgeous woman he had ever laid eyes on. St. Peter chained them together without saying a word. The guy remarked, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?" She replied, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck"!
__________________ "Boats are like rabbits; you can have one boat or many, but you can't stop at two" - A. Onassis Boat designs: "a convoluted collection of discontinuous compromise" - Par ". . . ere the end, some work of noble note, may yet be done . . ." -Tennyson Dances with Turkeys |
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#5952
03-31-2012, 11:21 AM
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| When you're from the country, your perception is a little bit different. A Queensland farmer drove to a neighbours' farmhouse in his Holden ute, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your Dad or your mum home?" said the farmer. "No, they went to town." "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "No, he went with Mum and Dad." The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message." "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant". The boy thought for a moment... "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
__________________ Regards Fanie Water ! Just gimme water ! |
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#5953
03-31-2012, 12:06 PM
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| Two Trees and a Woodpecker Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.
__________________ Respect Our Outdoor Recreational Resources Leave No Trace Of Your Passing "Just Your Footprints in the Sand" 2003 5.3 Chevy P/U 1972 35' Crest Pontoon Houseboat Powered With 2007 90 hp. 4 Stroke Yamaha |
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#5954
03-31-2012, 12:09 PM
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| No Health Insurance A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, 'No health insurance.' The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied. 'No money in the bank.' The nun asked, 'Do you have a relative who could help you?' He said, 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.' The nun became agitated and announced loudly, 'Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.' The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother-in-law!"
__________________ Respect Our Outdoor Recreational Resources Leave No Trace Of Your Passing "Just Your Footprints in the Sand" 2003 5.3 Chevy P/U 1972 35' Crest Pontoon Houseboat Powered With 2007 90 hp. 4 Stroke Yamaha |
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#5955
03-31-2012, 12:11 PM
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| Irish Weeniers Three 3rd Graders: an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Black kid, are on the playground at recess. The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says. "Okay." They all agree. The Irish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out, and proudly shows that his is at least an inch longer. Not to be outdone, the Black kid whips his out. It is by far, not only the biggest, but the fattest. That night, eating dinner at home, the Black kid's mother asks him what he did at school today. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test, and read out loud from a new book, and then during recess, my friends and I played a new game called 'Let's see who has the largest weenie." "What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother. "Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies, and I had the biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm Black. Is that true?” "No, Leroy. It's because you're eighteen." 
__________________ Respect Our Outdoor Recreational Resources Leave No Trace Of Your Passing "Just Your Footprints in the Sand" 2003 5.3 Chevy P/U 1972 35' Crest Pontoon Houseboat Powered With 2007 90 hp. 4 Stroke Yamaha |
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