Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips . . . . . . she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner.

The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach. Locking his steely gray eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance.

He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldly taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need. Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long.

And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!"

Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes and he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again...

Don't Ya Just Love Shopping for Shoes!

And what were you thinking???

 

Dear iPhone,
Please stop spell checking all of my rude words into nice words.
You piece of shut.
Sincerely,
Every iPhone User

 

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing.

 

A Harley bike rider walked into a chemist shop and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.

The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and that as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help him.

The biker said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional, and what ever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The biker then agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a ......permanent ********. It causes me a lot of problems, and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it."

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length, and the absolute best we can do is:

1/3 ownership in the shop ....
A company car...
Five home cooked dinners a week ..
And R 3,000 a month in living expenses."

 

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

 

What the doctor really means

Says: "This should be taken care of right away."
Means: "I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself."

Says: "Welllllll, what have we here..."
Means: Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the Doctor is hoping you will give him a clue.

Says: "We'll see."
Means: "First I have to check my malpractice insurance."

Says: "Let me check your medical history."
Means: "I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you."

Says: "Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
Means: "I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time." -or- "I need the money, so I'm charging you for another office visit."

Says: "I really can't recommend seeing a chiropractor."
Means: "I hate those guys mooching in on our fees."

Says: "Hmmmmmmmm."
Means: Since he hasn't the faintest idea of what to do, he is trying to appear thoughtful while hoping the nurse will interrupt.

Says: "We have some good news and some bad news."
Means: The good news is he's going to buy that new BMW, and the bad news is you're going to pay for it.

Says: "Let's see how it develops."
Means: "Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured."

Says: "Let me schedule you for some tests."
Means: "I have a 40% interest in the lab."

Says: "How are we today?"
Means: "I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like hell."

Says: "I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
Means: "I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig."

Says: "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
Means: "I don't know what the hell it is. Maybe it will go away by itself."

Says: "That's quite a nasty looking wound."
Means: "I think I'm going to throw up."

Says: "This may smart a little."
Means: "Last week two patients bit through their tongues."

Says: "This should fix you up."
Means: The drug salesman guaranteed that it kills all symptoms.

Says: "Everything seems to be normal."
Means: "I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all."

Says: "I'd like to run some more tests."
Means: "I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one."

Says: "Do you suppose all of this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
Means: He thinks you are crazy and is hoping to find a psychiatrist who will split fees.

Says: "If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
Means: "I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week."

 

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his book-keeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This book-keeper is deaf and it was considered an occupational benefit why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf book-keeper would not be able to hear anything and never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to shake down the book-keeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he takes along his
attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the book-keeper: "Where is the $10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the book-keeper where the money is hidden. The book-keeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9mm pistol, puts it to the book-keeper's temple, cocks it up and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!" The book-keeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger!!"

 

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.
He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine,
Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby,
and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear
to have mislaid their garments.

He hears a priest come in:

"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession
and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".

The priest replies,
"Get out, you idiot. You're on my side".

 

A few years ago in a small town robbers entered a bank and one of them shouted: "Don't move! The money belongs to the bank. Your lives belong to you. Immediately all the people in the bank laid on the floor quietly and without panic.
This is an example of how the correct wording of a sentence can make everyone change their world view.

One woman lay on the floor in a provocative manner. The robber approached her saying, "Ma'am, this is a robbery not a ****. Please behave accordingly."
This is an example of how to behave professionally, and focus on the goal.

While running from the bank the young robber (who had a college degree) said to the older robber (who barely finished elementary school): "Hey, maybe we should count how much we stole." The older man replied: "Don't be stupid. It's a lot of money so let's wait for the news to be told how much money was taken from the bank."
This is an example of how life experience is more important than a degree.

After the robbery, the manager of the bank said to his accountant: "Let's call the cops." The accountant said: "Wait, before we do that let's add the $800,000 to the robbery of that we took to ourselves a few months ago and just say that it was stolen."
This is an example of taking advantage of an opportunity.

The following day it was reported in the news that the bank was robbed in of $ 3 million. The robbers counted the money, but they found only $1 million so they started to grumble. "We risked our lives for $1 million, while the bank's management robbed two million dollars without blinking? Maybe it's better to learn how to work the system, instead of being a simple robber."
This is an example of how knowledge can be more useful than power.

Moral : Give a person a gun, and he can rob a bank . Give a person a bank, and he can rob everyone.

 

When Alexander Bell invented the telephone he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris doesn't call the wrong number. You answer the wrong phone.
Fear of spiders is aracnaphobia, fear of tight spaces is chlaustraphobia, fear of Chuck Norris is called Logic
Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, Death just hasn't built up the courage to tell him yet.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life.
Some magicans can walk on water, Chuck Norris can swim through land.
Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.
Chuck Norris can cut through a hot knife with butter
Death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cpOHTThrJfU

Number One's plane crashed in the middle of the Karoo. Panic stricken, the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed, with only a burned hulk left smoldering on a koppie that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or Number One's staff.

To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor. "Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Ja." The man muttered unconcernedly. "Do you realize that was Number One's airplane?" "Ja." "Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped. "Nee. They all vrekked." The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "Ek het hulle almal begrawe." "Number One is DEAD?" The agent gulped in disbelief. "Ja, he kept saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is!"

 

A kleptomanaic is a person who helps himself because he can't help himself



A 16 year-old boy from Tamworth won the World's shortest essay completion. He was awarded a scholarship at the University of Sydney for his imagination and humour. An ENGLISH University creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing the following elements surrounding -
1 - Religion
2 - Royalty
3 - Physical Disability
4 - Racism
5 - *************
He wrote:-
"My God, cried the Queen, 'That one-legged coon is a poofter.

 

Little Johnny was in a spelling BEE class. He had to spell the word and use it in a sentence. The teacher asked him to please spell the word EAR. Little Johnny stood up and proudly said EAR E,A,R. Then to use it in a sentence he pretended to take a big hit off a joint and then while pretending to have his lungs full of smoke he pretended to pass the joint to little Suzy and said "Ear, taste this one..."

 

The top marketing director of Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

Nescafe official, 'Your Eminence, I have some business to discuss. We at Nescafe have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'."

The Pope looks outraged and thunders, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord, It must not be changed."

"Well," says the Nescafe man somewhat chastened, "We anticipated your reluctance. For this reason, and the importance of the Lord's prayer to all Catholics, we will increase our offer to $300 million. All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'."

Again, even more sternly, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."

Finally, the Nescafe director says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to your faith, we realize that tradition is essential to your beliefs, we fully understand the importance of the word of the Lord but we do have one final offer. Please discuss it with your cardinals. We will donate $500 million."

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some Good news," he announces, "and some bad news..... The good news is, he continues to a hushed assembly, that the Church will get $500 million."

"And what is the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.

"Sadly" says the Pope, "We would have to lose the Premier Foods Account."

 

On their way to the church to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. Being good Catholics the young couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him. St Peter said "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out" and he leaves them sitting at the Gate.

After three months, St Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes" he informs the couple "you can get married in Heaven". "Great!" said the couple "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

"You must be bloody joking" says St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slamming his clipboard on the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted "It took me three months to find a priest up here..... Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"