Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

Quote of the week -

"It must be true, It was in the newspaper"

 

That's Cool!

 

LUCKY DOG!

 

Blond Joke

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.

The very blond wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How hell should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.

The husband said, 'Who was that?'

The wife answered, 'I don't know, some crazy woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.' 'Now how the hell would I know that!'

 

:d:d:d:d:d:d

 

why do blonde women have black n blues round their belly-buttons




cuz god made blonde guys too -

 

From the kayak forum:-

Three guys had an accident and went straight to heaven. When they got there, St. Peter said, "We only have one rule in heaven. Don't step on the ducks!"

They entered heaven and sure enough there were ducks all over the place. It was almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they tried their best to avoid them the first guy accidentally stepped on one.

Along came St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chained them together and said, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman".

The next day, the second guy stepped accidentally on a duck and along came St. Peter, who didn't miss a thing, and with him was another ugly woman. He chained them together with the same admonishment as the first.

The third guy had observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to a horrible looking woman was very careful where he stepped. He managed to go for months without stepping on any ducks. Then one day, St. Peter came up to him with the most gorgeous woman he had ever laid eyes on. St. Peter chained them together without saying a word.

The guy remarked, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?"

She replied, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck"!

 

When you're from the country, your perception is a little bit different. A Queensland farmer drove to a neighbours' farmhouse in his Holden ute, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your Dad or your mum home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No, he went with Mum and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment...

"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

 

Two Trees and a Woodpecker

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.

 

No Health Insurance

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was
going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.

He replied, in a raspy voice, 'No health insurance.'

The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied. 'No money in the bank.'

The nun asked, 'Do you have a relative who could help you?'

He said, 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.'

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, 'Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.'

The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother-in-law!"

 

Irish Weeniers

Three 3rd Graders: an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Black kid, are
on the playground at recess. The Irish kid suggests that they play a
new game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says.

"Okay." They all agree.

The Irish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.

"That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out, and proudly
shows that his is at least an inch longer.

Not to be outdone, the Black kid whips his out. It is by far, not only
the biggest, but the fattest.

That night, eating dinner at home, the Black kid's mother asks him
what he did at school today.

"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test, and read out
loud from a new book, and then during recess, my friends and I played
a new game called 'Let's see who has the largest weenie."

"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.

"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies, and I had
the biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm Black. Is that true?”

"No, Leroy. It's because you're eighteen."

 

You Know You're In a Redneck Church When ...

... The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

... People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5,000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

... The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys and two women stand up.

... Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

... A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

... The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

... In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven different last names in the church directory.

... People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

... The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized "Wheeling" washtub.

... The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

... The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.

... Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.

... The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

... The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

... "Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dawgs, too.

... The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, heah"?

 

More from the laughing clipper. BTW: I didn't see one of those Australian stealth vehicles the other day; impressive technology!

 

I was in a pub on Saturday night.


Had a few....& eventually noticed two large women by the bar.


They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"


One of them snapped: "It's WALES you friggin' idiot!"


So, I immediately apologized and said..., "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"


....Then the lights went out...

 

Troubled English!

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licences of bald men?

15.. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

16.. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

18. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

19. Ever wonder about those people who spend £2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAÏVE

20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?