Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

Three blondes are in an elevator when the elevator suddenly stops and the lights go out. They try using their cell phones to get help, but have no luck. Even the phones are out.

After a few hours of being stuck with no help in sight, one blonde says to the others "I think the best way to call for help is by yelling together."

The others agree with the first, so they all inhale deeply and begin to yell loudly "Together, together, together."

 

¿Fanie, don't you ever proofread?

 

There was a case in a Johannesburg Hospital’s ICU, where patients always died in the same bed, every Sunday morning at 11 am - regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that particular bed was the work of the Devil as to why the deaths at 11 am on Sunday mornings?
A world-wide team of experts were onstituted and they decided to go to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents.
So on the next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11am, all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.
Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off any evil spirits…
Just then the clock struck 11 and ………………
………….. In walked Precious Tshabalala (part-time cleaner).
She entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that she could use the vacuum cleaner.

 

Judy got married and had 13 children.
Her first husband,Ted, died of cancer.
Shemarried again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.
Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Judy *again*, remarried,..... and this time, she & John had 5 more children.
Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:

"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied:....


"I think he means her *legs*, Ethel...."

 

Cancel Credit Cards Prior To Death. Typical SA.

A lady died this past January, and ABSA bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been R0.00, is now R60.00. A family member placed a call to the ABSA Bank call centre :

Family Member : "I am calling to tell you that she died in January"
ABSA : "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply"

Family Member : "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections"
ABSA : "Since it is two months past due, it already has been"

Family Member :"So, what will they do when they find out she is dead ?"
ABSA : "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to The credit bureau, maybe both !"

Family Member : "Do you think God will be mad at her ?"
ABSA : "Excuse me ?"

Family Member : "Did you just get what I was telling you ... the part about her being dead ?"
ABSA : "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor"

(Supervisor gets on the phone)

Family Member : "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January"
ABSA : "'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply"

Family Member : "You mean you want to collect from her estate ?"
ABSA (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer ?"

Family Member : "No, I'm her great nephew" (Lawyer info given)
ABSA : "Could you fax us a certificate of death ?"

Family Member : "Sure" (fax number is given)

(After they get the fax)

ABSA : "Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help"
Family Member : "Well, if you figure it out, great ! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care"

ABSA : "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply"
Family Member : "Would you like her new billing address ?"

ABSA : "That might help"
Family Member : "West Park Cemetry, 12 West Park Road, Johannesburg, Plot Number 1049"

ABSA : "Sir, that's a cemetery !"
Family Member : "Well, what the &@** do you do with dead people on your planet ?"

 

A blind man is sitting on a park bench. A rabbi sits down next to him. The rabbi is chomping on a piece of matzah. Taking pity on the blind man, he breaks off a piece and gives it to the blind man.

Several minutes later, the blind man turns taps the rabbi on the shoulder and asks, "Who wrote this ****?"

 

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

 

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

 

An oldie but sooo true

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the
sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said,
"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said,
"Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
God replied, "Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required
reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!
I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could
possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said,
"God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I
want to know,
how she feels inside,
what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment,
why she cries,
what she means when she says nothing's wrong,
why she snaps and complains when I try to help,
and how I can make a woman truly happy?"
God replied:
"You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

 

Go BIG or go home!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FhwSoF-BGYE

 

The Australian Navy intercepted three boatloads of people off the North West coast of Australia.

This placed the Navy in an awkward position as the boats were heading not away from, but towards Indonesia.

Another surprise finding was that they were loaded with Australians who were all seniors of pension age.

Their claim was that they were trying to get to Indonesia so as to be able to return to Australia as illegal immigrants and therefore be entitled to far more benefits than they were receiving as legitimate Australian pensioners.

The Navy it is believed gave them food, water and fuel and assisted them on their journey north.

 

Our Yearly Dementia Test-- only 4 questions
Our Yearly Dementia Test

It's that time of year for us to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!
Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the last test. Some may think it is too easy but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.
The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.


1 What do you put in a toaster?













Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else . Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said, bread, go to Question 2.




2 Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?














Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Auto World.
However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.






3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?








Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these??? If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.







4. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus. In Reading , 6 people get off the bus and 9people get on. In Swindon , 2 people get off and 4 get on. In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea , 3 people get off and 5people get on. In Carmathen, 6people get off and 3 get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven ..


Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?








Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own age?
It was YOU driving the bus!!

 

I don't remember my own age; this was a decision I made some years ago.

 

The real joke is that many Australians are dumb enough to actually believe the rubbish broadcast by shock-jocks.

 

And then the front fell off.