Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

Tongue Twister
A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him also has a black eye.

He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence: we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?"

So the guy tells him: "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident, sort of. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the biggest breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying: I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said: I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh." "She socked me one."

The first guy responded, "Mine was a tongue twister too."
"I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife: Please pour me a bowl of Corn Flakes, but I accidentally said: You ruined my life, you lousy *****.''

 

"Darling" says a husband coyly to his wife: "let's swap positions tonight".

"What a good idea" she replies, "you stand in front of the ironing board, and I'll sit in front of the TV and fart".

 

Can I buy you a drink?
I would think so - why don't you ask the bartender?

Can I buy you a drink?
I'd rather just have the cash.

Can I have your name?
Why - haven't you already got one?

Can I spend the evening with you?
I gave up baby-sitting years ago.

Do you mind if I smoke?
I don't care if you burn.
Have you got a problem with that?
No, only with you.

I never forget a face.
Neither do I, but in your case I'll make an exception.

I'd like to marry you.
I'd rather skip straight towards the divorce.

I'd like to see more of you.
There isn't any more of me.

I'm sure I could turn you on.
You couldn't even turn on a radio.

I'm sure I've noticed you before.
I'm not sure I've even noticed you yet.


Kiss me and I'll tell you a secret.
I know your secret - I work at the clinic.

May I introduce myself?
Certainly - try those people over there.

My body's like a temple.
I'd have said it was more like an amusement park.

Shall we go all the way?
Yes, as long as it's in different directions.

Shall we go to your place or mine?
Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.

When can we be alone?
When we're not with each other.

When should I phone you?
Whenever I'm not there.

Where have you been all my life?
What do you mean - I wasn't even born for the first half of it.

Women say I have the gift of the gab.
Wrap it up, then.

You seem to me like a sensible girl.
That's right - I won't go anywhere near you.

Your face is absolutely perfect.
So is yours . . . for radio.

 

people who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours?
Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No loser, I paid $8 to come to the cinema and stare at the ******* floor.

People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

When people say "life is short". wtf ?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f does!! What can you do that's longer?

When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet"?. If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?

When you get a haircut over the weekend, come into work and people ask "Did you get a hair cut?" ... No dipsh*t. I woke up this morning and it was like that.

 

Wife: You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why ?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible,
I look at your picture, and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you ?
Hubby: Yes! I see your picture and ask myself ---
what other problem can be greater than this one ?

 

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning,
he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

 

A newly married man asked his wife
" Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune ? "
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly,
" I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE ! "

 

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the early warning.


A wife asked her husband:
What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?
He looked at her from head to toe and replied:
I like your sense of humor.

 

A single woman of around 35 decides she has been alone long enough and puts the following advertisement in her local newspaper:-

SWF (single white female) looking for men who will give me lots of love, won't cheat on me and won't beat me.

The next night the doorbell rings, she opens the door and see a guy in a wheelchair, he has no arms and legs. I'm here about the advertisement he says. But you got no arms and legs says the woman. Yeah but that's all to the good, says the guy. See I have no legs so I can't run around behind your back. I got no arms so I can never beat you up. What about lots of love says the woman?

Hi lady what do you think I used to ring the doorbell with?

 

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.

"Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over, the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

 

Moses, Jesus and a very old man were out golfing one fine day.

Moses drives his ball and it bounced off a tree into a water hazard. So he parted the water and knocked the ball onto the green.

Jesus drives his ball and it bounced off two trees into the water. So he walked on the water and scooped his ball onto the green.

The very old man drives his ball and it bounced off a tree into the water, the ball was eaten by a fish, the fish swam to the surface and was snatched up by a bird, the bird flew upward and was struck by lightning, the fish fell from the sky onto the green, the ball bounced out of the fishes mouth, and the ball rolled into the hole.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate golfing with your dad."

 

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding
anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever " "Yeah?" she replies.
"When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My
Husband - Stiff At Last"

 

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and
storms out of the house. After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and
decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many
rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the
phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"

 

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business
flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he
wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where
he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to
discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about
to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of
paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. God may have created man
before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

 

Koos van der Merwe is a sales rep who works away from home a lot...

One day Koos comes home after a couple weeks on the road to find his wife in a new fur coat. Where did that come from honey ask Koos eyeing the 50 000 price tag. Oh darling I won the lottery reply the wife.

A couple months later Koos comes home again and this time madame van der Merwe has a new diamondring and the diamond is larger than Koos's gaping eyeball. Where did you get THAT from wife ask Koos. Won the lottery again replies the wife.

A few months later he comes home to find a brand new Merc in the driveway. His wife says, since I won the lottery enough times to buy us this new car would you mind running me a bath honey? Not at all replies Koos. Mrs. van finally goes off to her bath only to find Koos only ran about two inches of water into the tub? What's this asks his wife? Why only two inches of water?

WELL REPLIES KOOS.. WE DON'T WANT THE LOTTERY TICKET TO GET WET NOW DO WE???