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  #5101  
Old 01-18-2012, 03:01 PM
ancient kayaker ancient kayaker is offline
aka Terry Haines
 
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Location: Alliston, Ontario, Canada
Everyone reading this will enjoy it - no matter which gender you are.........

This morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman

In a brand new Cadillac - doing 65 mph

With her face up next to her rear view mirror, putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds...




- to continue shaving -

And when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much,




I dropped my electric shaver which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all The confusion of trying to straighten out the car

Using my knees against the steering wheel,

It knocked my cell phone away from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs!

Splashed, and burned Big Jim and the twins,

Ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers,

And disconnected an important call.

Damn women drivers! =
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  #5102  
Old 01-19-2012, 02:15 AM
sctpc sctpc is offline
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Location: Melbourne
A fellow from Prague went off on safari to hunt lions.

The guides became concerned when he didn’t come back to camp one day.
They went out into the bush to look for him.

It didn’t take long before they discovered evidence of a bloody struggle. Blood-stained and tattered bits of the clothing that the hunter had been wearing were found strewn around the jungle. Clearly the hunter had become the hunted and had fallen prey to one of the big cats.

The rescue mission became one of recovery. The guides thought that they should try to recover the remains of the hunter: to be returned to his family for proper burial.

One seasoned guide came upon the spoor of two large lions, a male and a female, and followed them into the bush. He soon found the majestic animals in a clearing. As he was equipped only with an ancient flintlock musket, he had but one chance to kill the animal that had eaten the hunter. He sighted carefully along the long barrel and squeezed the trigger. One lion loped off into the verdure, the other rolled onto its side, dead – a neat hole darkening the tawny fur between its eyes.

The guide took out his sturdy knife and made an incision in the still-warm belly of the beast. The ruined remains of the lost hunter spilled out onto the forest floor.

The other guides had been attracted by the blast of the old gun and arrived, panting, in the clearing.

They heard the successful guide recount his tale of finding the lost hunter’s body. When asked how he knew which animal to shoot, the guide replied, “The Czech is always in the male!”
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  #5103  
Old 01-19-2012, 02:29 AM
Mr Efficiency Mr Efficiency is offline
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Boom boom !
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  #5104  
Old 01-20-2012, 11:42 PM
Minusadegree Minusadegree is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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Location: Ct, USA
Shampoo Warning

I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!

I use shampoo in the shower!

When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and

Printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,

"FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."

No wonder I have been gaining weight!

Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and

I am going to start showering with Dawn dish soap instead.

Its label reads,

"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."

Problem solved!

If I don't answer the phone
I'll be in the shower!
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  #5105  
Old 01-21-2012, 02:43 PM
Bamby Bamby is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2009
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Location: USA near Wheeling, W.V.
My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that "help" get an ********.

You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!

I am still looking for a place to live.
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  #5106  
Old 01-21-2012, 02:51 PM
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Leo Lazauskas Leo Lazauskas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr Efficiency View Post
You mean you don't believe the Chinese sub picked him up ? A white pointer could have got him, for sure.
It shows what we think of our politiicans when someone decides to name a pool
"The Harold Holt Memorial Swimming Centre".

It's like naming a building "The JFK Shooting Gallery and Book Depository".
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  #5107  
Old 01-21-2012, 02:56 PM
Bamby Bamby is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2009
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Location: USA near Wheeling, W.V.
She's single...
She lives right across the street.
I can see her house from my living room.

I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.
She knocked on my door...
I rushed to open it.

She looks at me, and says, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this
strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long!
Are you busy tonight?"

I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!"

Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"



MAN... IT'S NO FUN GETTING OLD!!!
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Respect Our Outdoor Recreational Resources
Leave No Trace Of Your Passing
"Just Your Footprints in the Sand"

2003 5.3 Chevy P/U
1972 35' Crest Pontoon Houseboat Powered With
2007 90 hp. 4 Stroke Yamaha

Last edited by Bamby : 03-11-2015 at 09:14 PM.
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  #5108  
Old 01-21-2012, 03:49 PM
ancient kayaker ancient kayaker is offline
aka Terry Haines
 
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Location: Alliston, Ontario, Canada
- you don't like dogs?
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  #5109  
Old 01-22-2012, 07:14 PM
Bamby Bamby is offline
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THE FRONT FELL OFF!

On July 21 1991, an oil tanker off the coast of Australia split in
two, dumping 20,000 tons of crude oil.

Senator Collins, a member of the Australian Parliament, appeared on a TV news program to reassure the Australian public.

This actual interview is funny - you'd swear it was a 'Saturday Night
Live' skit or Monty Python, or for you old timers, Abbot & Costello.

Unbelievable...........

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-QNAwUdHUQ

http://www.amsa.gov.au/marine_enviro...irki/index.asp
__________________
Respect Our Outdoor Recreational Resources
Leave No Trace Of Your Passing
"Just Your Footprints in the Sand"

2003 5.3 Chevy P/U
1972 35' Crest Pontoon Houseboat Powered With
2007 90 hp. 4 Stroke Yamaha
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  #5110  
Old 01-22-2012, 07:24 PM
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bntii bntii is offline
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That's some funny stuff!
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  #5111  
Old 01-22-2012, 07:26 PM
Poida Poida is offline
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You'd swear it was a skit, in fact it is. John Clarke the gentleman being interviewed is a commedian.

Poida
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  #5112  
Old 01-22-2012, 07:57 PM
Silver Raven Silver Raven is offline
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Location: Far North Queensland, Australia
Quote:
Originally Posted by Poida View Post
You'd swear it was a skit, in fact it is. John Clarke the gentleman being interviewed is a commedian.

Poida
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bamby View Post
THE FRONT FELL OFF!

On July 21 1991, an oil tanker off the coast of Australia split in
two, dumping 20,000 tons of crude oil.

Senator Collins, a member of the Australian Parliament, appeared on a TV news program to reassure the Australian public.

This actual interview is funny - you'd swear it was a 'Saturday Night
Live' skit or Monty Python, or for you old timers, Abbot & Costello.

Unbelievable...........

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-QNAwUdHUQ

http://www.amsa.gov.au/marine_enviro...irki/index.asp
Bamby. These 2 guys are both K1W1 blokes. There the best comedians in the 2 countries. They do what both countries do ever so well - take the 'mickey' out of themselves, eachother & anything & everything they can. They are very good at it - ie - don't take yourself so seriously that you lose your sense of humour. Bloody great NZ & OZ tradition - long may it continue. Ciao, james - ex-pat Canuck - living in OZ for the past 50 + years.
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  #5113  
Old 01-23-2012, 04:35 PM
ancient kayaker ancient kayaker is offline
aka Terry Haines
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
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Location: Alliston, Ontario, Canada
"How many politically-correct people does it take to screw in a light-bulb?"

"Look, I don't know, but that's not funny."
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  #5114  
Old 01-23-2012, 04:50 PM
Leo Lazauskas's Avatar
Leo Lazauskas Leo Lazauskas is offline
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Location: Adelaide, South Australia
(This one will work if you change Iraq to Iran.)

IRAQ: Hello?
US: We demand pizza.
IRAQ: OK, where should we send it to?
US: It's too late for negotiations.
IRAQ: Please, where should we send the pizza?
US: You're trying to distract us. The real issue here is pizza.
IRAQ: Okay...
US: We demand unconditional delivery of pizza. No payment or anything.
IRAQ: Hey, if we're sending pizza we better get paid for it...
US: This is duplicity. We won't be misled by you. You have had enough
opportunities to send pizza.
IRAQ: That's the way it works. You get pizza, we get money.
US: We oppose linkage of pizza and money.
IRAQ: Let's negotiate about this. I'm sure you'll get pizza soon.
US: We need pizza within 30 seconds or we'll bomb you.
IRAQ: Do you even want pizza?
US: The time for negotiations is past.
IRAQ: We can't send pizza if we're not going to get paid and we don't
even have somewhere to send this.
US: Our position is clear: send us pizza or be destroyed.
IRAQ: But-!
US: NO NEGOTIATIONS! YOU AREN'T GOING TO SEND PIZZA, ARE YOU?? THE
ENTIRE INTERNATIONAL COMMUNITY DEMANDS PIZZA!
IRAQ: Oh, great.
US: WE'VE GIVEN YOU AN ARBITRARILY LARGE NUMBER OF CHANCES, BUT YOU
JUST WON'T SEND PIZZA! IT'S TIME FOR WAR!!!
IRAQ: Fine, fine!! We have pizza! We'll send pizza!
US: It's too late for that.
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  #5115  
Old 01-23-2012, 04:52 PM
Leo Lazauskas's Avatar
Leo Lazauskas Leo Lazauskas is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2002
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A SHORT REVIEW OF THE BACKWARDS BIBLE

The beginning is really exciting: the damned and the blessed are
taken from Heaven and Hell and placed on Earth, then a thousand year
reign of GOOD! (tm) followed by a thousand year reign of EVIL! (tm),
with lots of monsters running around bringing dead people to life and
creating mighty empires from rubble.

Then the monsters are locked away in their pits for all time, the
Seven Seals are put together, and an angel blows a trumpet, ending
the lives of billions at a stroke.

All that's a prologue for the main book, in which the Romans take a
dead man out of a tomb and bring him to life on a cross. After a bit
more healing, he is put on trial and released. He celebrates with a
First Supper with twelve friends. Later, he shrinks down into a little
baby, and gives gifts to three wise men.

In the second half of the book, Moses erects a golden calf for the
Children of Israel to dance around, then takes away the rules his
tribe has been living by and gives them to God on a mountaintop.
He then leads the tribe out of the Promised Land, through forty years
wandering in the wilderness and finally into slavery under the Pharaoh.
(This seems to be a criticism of middle management.)

Towards the end of the book, there's a list of "begats" chronicling
the decline of world population. Ultimately, there is only one couple
left, who leave a life of hard work to retire in a tropical garden.
God turns them into clay, then destroys the Earth, then finally
destroys all form and is utterly alone.

Kind of a bummer ending, if you ask me. Maybe you'd like it if you're
some existentialist weirdo. To each his own.
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