Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

Boat + Humor

http://www.bitoffun.com/video_vault/relaxing-on-the-lake.htm

 

One day your government will demand that you sew a label onto your
******* that says "May Contain Nuts".

 

Can you believe it …. they sent my Census form back

In response to the question:

"Do you have any dependants?"

I replied - "27 million illegal immigrants;

2.1 million crack heads;

21 million unemployable people,

901 thousand people in over 85 prisons;

and nearly 1900 idiots in Parliament.

Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

SO!!!,who the hell did I miss??

 

Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the ladies room there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one wish is granted. However, if one tells a lie then with a “POOF” you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.
So, a redhead of questionable looks walks into the ladies room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world."
“POOF” The mirror swallows her.
Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the sexiest woman alive."
“POOF” The mirror swallows her.
Then an absolutely gorgeous blonde comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think. . . ."
“POOF”

 

***** Tax

The only thing the South African Receiver of Revenue has not taxed yet is the *****.

This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in a hole. On top of that it has two dependents and they are both nuts.

Effective from January 1st 2012, a ***** will be taxed according to SIZE.

10 - 12" LUXURY TAX = R199.00
8 - 10" POLE TAX = R155.00
5 - 8" PRIVILEGE TAX = R70.00
4 - 5" NUISANCE TAX = R15.00

Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains.

Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund. (PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION)

We are still awaiting clarification on a number of questions raised on this new tax, including:

Are there penalties for early withdrawals?
What if one's ***** is self employed?
Do multiple partners count as a corporation?
What if unemployed,do I get a "lay-buy" tax reduction?

 

Robert Mugarbage is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the classes.


They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asks Mugabe if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy".
So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a war vet comes along and knocks him dead with a log, that would be a tragedy."

"No," says Mugabe," that would be an accident."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains the president. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Mugabe searches the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says:
"If a Zimbabwe Air Force jet carrying Mr & Mrs Mugabe were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaims Mugabe. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

 

You know that you are living in South Africa when...


The main headline of the evening TV news is the opinion of an unemployed
squatter who spik inglish no good and demands that the head of Anglo American resigns or faces the consequences

The police advise you not to stop if they wave you down in the middle of the night, but rather speed past them and drive to your nearest police station.

You don't stop at a red traffic light, in case somebody hijacks your car.

The Student Union demands that academic achievement shouldn't be a criterion for university acceptance, as it is discriminatory.

Landlords may not evict illegal squatters unless they offer them alternative
accommodation.

Post Office workers are videotaped opening the mail and stealing the contents, but the film may not be used in evidence, because the workers were not informed that they were being filmed and the filming is an intrusion on their privacy.

A goverment Minister is caught driving her car with a forged license, but the case is dropped for "lack of evidence".

A minister of religion who stole millions from overseas-donated funds for the oppressed, returns to the country to a hero's welcome and is officially welcomed by the government, represented by the Minister of Justice.

Government ministers meet with masked gang leaders to ask their advice on how to reduce crime and violence.

Scholars protest at the lack of schooling facilities by destroying school buildings.

Two tourist athletes are murdered in their beds and the President says it won't affect tourism.

The entire country sees a thug admit on TV news to murdering several people, but the police say they have no case.

Votes have to be recounted until the right party wins.

Your insurance is higher than the repayments on your car.

You consider it a good month if you only get mugged once.

Rwandan refugees start leaving the country because the crime rate is too high.

People start joking about the crime rate.

The police ask you if they must follow up on the burglary you've just reported.

You paint your car's registrations number on the roof in large letters.

Afrikaans TV programmes are separated by a Xhosa anouncement of the following Afrikaans program, and a Zulu advert.

A Minister is fired and returns the government cell phone, but keeps the G-number-plated Bee-Em.

The currency takes a dive, and the previous government gets the blame.

Students from Vaal Driehoek Technikon demand that their debt is written off.....at Pretoria Technikon.

A 45-year-old engineer gets replaced by a 25-year-old who cannot write his own name.

The employees DANCE in front of the building to show how unhappy they are.

10% of the city's population pays for everyone else's electricity and water supply, and get prosecuted if they refuse to pay.

A murderer gets a 2 year sentence and a pirate TV viewer a 6 month sentence.

The Constitutional Court declares the death sentence unconstitutional, but rules that abortion is okay.

The prisoners strike!

Crime actually DOES pay.

People are allowed to reclaim land (for free) that's been bought from their forefathers.

The government GIVES people houses, and they complain by setting fire to them.

You can't even go on a business trip to Oz without somebody asking knowingly: 'Oh, having a look around, are you?....'

You realise after watching the news on TV that nothing happened in the rest of the world.

They bring in the innovative idea of selling scratch cards to alleviate congestion in post office queues.

You are expected to carry a driver's licence that doesn't fit into your wallet.

You have to prove you don't need a loan to get one.

A shop clerk makes you feel as if he/she is doing you a favour by letting you buy from their shop.

The fact that there is an election and people are standing in line waiting to vote is more important than the result of the election.

The most popular vehicle is a 4x4 designed for driving in snow, (the reason for this may be the vast amount of mid-summer snow that you see in all Christmas decorations).

You no longer request anything, you "DIMUND" it.

You know what "vowlence" is.

People tell you that they wouldn't live anywhere else because the weather is so bad over there.

A Minibus taxi passes you, just to stop right in front of you.

Where the road narrows, the guy to the rear of you has right of way.

 

If women get past a certain age it gets dangerous to pick up the soap they say.. not for the same reason men in jails are told to be careful of dropping the soap though, nope, in the case of women they might step on their mammary gland.

 

The Politically Correct Little Red Riding Hood

There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them.

Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist. Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.

One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house. She said, "But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?"

Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form. "But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"

Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for women to oppress each other, since all women were equally oppressed until all women were free "But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"

And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical women's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling of community. "But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"

Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called "health". Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.

Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.
Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.

On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers. She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was
in her basket. Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.

She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity." The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone." Red Riding Hood said,
"I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid
worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."

Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her Grandmother's house. But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house. He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch." The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."

Red Riding Hood said, "Goodness! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"

"You forget that I am optically challenged."

"And Grandma, what an enormous, and what a fine nose you have."

"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child."

"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!" The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding
Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly. "Aren't you forgetting something?"

Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. "You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"

The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her. At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax.

"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.

"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood. "If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams."

"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.

"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner."

"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper. "I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?"

"Sure," said the Wolf.

"Thanks."

"I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said "Do you have any Maalox?"

 

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a conservative Liberal, and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

 

The Russian guide for Taxi Drivers
by
Peekup Andropov

The History of Bras
by
Norma Snockers

 

A boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play.
Wonderful. What part is it?"
The boy says,"I play the part of the husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

 

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
H. L. Mencken

Men are the only animals that devote themselves, day in and day out, to making one another unhappy. It is an art like any other. Its virtuosi are called altruists.
H. L. Mencken

An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.
H. L. Mencken

Today, 'racist' means 'one who says what everybody else knows.' It is a badge of intellectual honor."
HL-Mencken

"An ideal form of government is democracy tempered with assassination."
Voltaire.

Chamberlain seemed such a nice old gentleman that I thought I would give him my autograph."
Adolf Hitler.

Never believe anything in politics until it has been officially denied."
Otto Von Bismark

"Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others."
Groucho Marx (...more Groucho Marx Quotes).

"He was a great patriot, a humanitarian, a loyal friend; provided, of course, he really is dead."
Voltaire.

"What's on your mind, if you'll forgive the overstatement?"
Fred Allen.

"If a man is a fool, you don't train him out of being a fool by sending him to university. You merely turn him into a trained fool, ten times more dangerous."
Desmond Bagley.

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night."
Marie Corelli


"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much he'd learned in seven years."- Mark Twain

"Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain

"What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce." Mark Twain

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
Dick Cavett.


"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
Dave Edison.

 

I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

 

Girl comes in for a Checkup
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.

"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"