Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

It takes about 24,901.55 miles of duct tape to bind the earth at the equator. I may ran out of duct tape.

 

CHUCK NORRIS passed away last night.
They say he feels much better this morning.

There is a new sleeping pill in setpil ? format
Aparently it works so fast you wake up with your finger still in your butt

 

Nahhh... there's an infinite supply of it.

Today's well-equipped toolbox only needs two items: WD40 and duct tape. If it won't move and it's supposed to, use the WD40. If it moves and it isn't supposed to, use the duct tape.

 

might i recommend epoxy and fibre

 

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.
... The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.

He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance.. never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector - not wanting to get a toe blown off - started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barrelled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ***?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."

There are a few lessons for us all here:

Never be arrogant.

Don't waste ammunition.

Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.

Always, always make sure you know who has the power.

Don't mess with old men; they didn't get old by being stupid.

 

When a woman yells "WHAT!?!?"

Its not because she didn’t hear you, it’s because she is giving you a chance to change what you said with a big speed !

 

Splinters

A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville , WA .

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land, so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Obama Care they turned me down."

 

No matter what side of the Political Aisle you're on, THIS is FUNNY!

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Senator Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.

The only known photograph of Remus (below) shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory. On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

So Judy recently e-mailed Senator Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle.

Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:

"Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."



NOW THAT's how it's done, Folks! That's real POLITICAL SPIN !!!


Remus and Harry Reid:-

 

I've seen versions of that same story used against Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi, Al Gore, and even George W Bush. When Hillary was running for President, three separate friends sent me a version starring her supposed uncle.

It's so common in emails that Snopes debunks it, under the heading "Horse Thief Ancestor." Snopes also identifies the photo as being of Black Jack Ketchum....

 

The rotten apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

First they Ketchum, then they Tryum and then they Hangum.

 

Ketchum, Tryum and Hangum -- I tried their line, and they represent themselves as public defenders -- do you think I may have been mislead?

 

- I dunno, but we all wanna know what you did . . .

 

The first time I remember doing any critical analysis of a movie was during a western, when I was a kid. The bad guys were holed up in a bunch of rocks, with a posse facing them in some other rocks. The sheriff stood up and called out, "throw down your guns and come out with your hands up, and I'll see that you get a fair trial." Strangely enough the bad guys tried to shoot him, instead of taking him up on his offer.

I was pretty young, but I remember thinking, "wait a minute. What good would that do them? They're guilty. If they get a fair trial, they'll be hanged...."

 

It has been reported that dogs can smell human tumors, and
some dogs have been trained to detect low blood sugar levels.

There have been attempts to go a stage further and let dogs operate
medical equipment to detect ailments with greater accuracy. The final
stage involving MRI equipment failed however as dogs are unable to
operate it. But apparently cats can.

 

Didn't know which was the more appropriate spot so I put this in both.

List of ingredients in " A taste of Thai" fish sauce:

Anchovy Fish
Salt
Sugar
Water(Only natural water-no water added)
Allergen information: contains fish


Just how stupid are we?