Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

29. Beauty required to launch one ship = 1 milliHelen

 

During creation, God promised man that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.

Then, he went and made the world round....

 

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious... Here she's in the middle of her first run for president, and as Senator of New York this had to happened to her.

She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming; "How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault!

Well, what have you got to say?"

There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.

She screams again, "Did you hear me?"

Finally, she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice.

In a barely audible whisper, he says,

Who is this?"

 

Dear Friends, I really need your advice on a serious problem:
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.


The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the garage behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?

Thank You in advance.

Outboard Dave.

 

If I could give rep twice in a row to someone, you'd have gotten it for this post too.

I'm 62, and my older son is 23. He's been helping me re-frame and sheath the roof on our house this week. And after all his smart remarks about old people losing it every time I looked around for my tape measure or bevel square, I'm definitely not going to show him this post....

 

The good news is, I'll forget where that post was the instant I change screens . . .

 

Involuntary Muscle Control


A professor at Memorial University of Newfoundland was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what Your butt-hole is doing while you're having an ******?'

She replied, 'Probably moose hunting with his buddies.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom

Note: Above in bold word was substituted because of PC correct formatting here, use your imagination for correct actual word.

 

DO NOT WATCH THIS VIDEO IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED (I'm serious).


Merry Christmas All!

 

How to fix anything?

 

Hoyte,
you should let CatBuilder in on that

 

boat joke,,,, a wooden row boat,,, hehe

 

Hi Hoyt,
What about the wire (when ductape is not enough)
What about water (when you have not enough to float underneath)
What about fuel (when the tank is dry and WD40 is not enough)

 

Or a credit card and vhf link. You can fix anything with that.

 

A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite
side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled
to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved. And he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American. So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!.

And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us.

 

CONDOM HISTORY

An interesting piece of history!

In 1272, the Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.