Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. A Texas State Trooper walked up to her car window, flipping open his ticket book.
She said, I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball.
He replied, Texas State Troopers don't have balls.
There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, tipped his hat, got back in his patrol car and left.

 

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.


It doesn't have any feet or legs.


The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'


The parrot says, 'I was born this way.

I'm a defective parrot.'


'Holy crap,' the guy replies.


'You actually understood and answered me. !'


'I got every word,' says the parrot.


'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.


'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.


You can't see it, because of my feathers.'


'Wow,' says the guy.


'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.


I'm especially good at ornithology.


You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'


The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.


'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.


You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.


The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.


The guy is delighted.


One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.


'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'

'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'


'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.


'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'


'Yes.


Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

DUNNO?!? I got a h@@d-on, and fell off my perch.!'

 

PHONE REPAIR Lawrence , Kansas, December 12, 2009.

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her

friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right

before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He

climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Thought you'd like to know.

 

New Truck built by a company which didn't get bail out money .



I bought a new Ford F250 Tri-Flex Fuel Truck .

Go figure -- it runs on either hydrogen, gasoline, or E85. I returned to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work .

The service technician explained that the radio was voice activated.

'Nelson,' the technician said to the radio.

The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'

'Willie!' he continued, and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.

Then he said, 'Ray Charles!' and in an instant , Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy and for the next few days,

Every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said 'Beatles’, 'I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid him.

I yelled, '*******!' and Immediately the radio responded with,

Ladies and gentlemen, The President of The United States

Damn, am I loving this truck !

 

Question to Confucius

Woman asks:
If I sleep with 3 men, everyone calls me a ****.
But when a man sleeps with 10 women,
Everyone calls him a real man.
How come . . . ?!?

Confucius replies:
It's very simple.

"When one lock can be opened by 3 different keys, it's a bad lock.
But when one key can open 10 different locks, we call it a MASTER KEY ....."

 

Three men, an Irish farmer, Zuma and a Boertjie are all granted a wish by a Genie.

The Irish farmer wishes that all the land in Ireland will be the most fertile in the world, forever and ever.
POOF, this was done in a flash and the Irish farmer was very satisfied.

Zuma was next, and very amazed and... impressed at this display of power. He started his wish: "I want all the whites to be removed from Africa and a wall must be built around all of my black brothers and sisters to protect them. This wall must be so high and so strong that no whites can come into our land at all.
POOF, this was done in a flash. A great wall surrounded Africa. Zuma glowed and glared at the Boertjie triumphantly.

Boertjie said: "Before I make my wish, tell me more about this wall"
Genie: "It's 5,000ft high, 5,000 bricks thick, nothing gets in, nothing gets out, guaranteed"

Boertjie lights up his pipe, smiles and says "Fill it with water Boet!

 

MALEMA: Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok.
MALEMA : Can I take it tomorrow, tonight is final game.


MALEMA comes back to his car & finds a note saying 'Parking Fine'
He writes a note and sticks it to a pole 'Thanks for compliment.'


How do you recognize MALEMA in School?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.


Once MALEMA was walking and had a glove on one hand and not on the other.
So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast
announced that on the one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.


MALEMA is in a bar and his cellular phone rings.
He picks it up and says 'Hello, how did you know I was here?'


MALEMA : Why are all these people running?
Commentator: This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
MALEMA: If only the winner will get the cup, why are others running?


Teacher: 'I killed a person' convert this sentence into future tense.
MALEMA : The future tense is 'u will go to jail'


MALEMA says to his housekeeper: 'Go and water the plants!'
Housekeeper: 'It's already raining.'
MALEMA : 'So what? Take an umbrella and go.'

 

Confucius says:

Man who meets meets girl in park is good!

but man who parks meat in girl is better!

 

I think this one was up before...

A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.

'What's up?’ she asks.

'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband…

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialling, her four-year-old son comes up and says,” Mummy mummy! Aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe & she has no clothes on!"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband, rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.

'You rotten Cow', she screams. 'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!'

 

How do you know if someone has an iPhone?
Don't worry, they'll tell you.


People think I am too patronising.
(That means I think they're stupid).


I was standing on a train next to a gorgeous Thai woman, and
all I could think was "Please, please don't get an ********".
But she did.

 

I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar and told my friend: "That's us in 10 years."

He said, "That's a mirror, you *******."

 

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short) .

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik emthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go. By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing \'th" by "z" and "w" by V.

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "a" kan be dropd from vords containing "au", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.After zis fifz
yer, ve viI hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer viI be no mar trubls or difikultis and evrivun viI find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Ze drem viI finali kum tru.

 

Zat is to funy. Boston wil b ekstatik how mutsh his Nglish improvs.

 

Engineer's Conversion Factors

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese Soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
7. 365.25 days of drinking low calorie beer = 1 Lite year
8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
9. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon
10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

11. Basic unit of laryngitis - 1 hoarsepower
12. Shortest distance between two jokes - a straight line
13. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
14. 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
15. 1 million bicycles = 1 megacycle

16. 365 days = 1 unicycle
17. 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
18. 10 cards = 1 decacard
19. 52 cards = 1 deckacard
20. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton

21. 1000 grams of wet socks = 1 literhosen
22. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
23. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
24. 10 rations = 1 decaration
25. 100 rations = 1 C-Ration

26. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
27. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms
28. 5 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 I.V. League

 

$5.37! That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet? A mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind!

"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing.

That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus: The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"

All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph zone. Yessss, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.