Boat Jokes (we need a few laughs)

Boat jokes

Very prudent Frosty - and well observed. Among the many things we Scots lack (distance from the English being the main one) is a sense of humour...But if the good Lord had meant us kilt-wearing Highland gentlemen to laugh he would have covered the land with feather-dusters - rather than thistles...

 

Boat jokes

A businessman is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting. he glances down at his watch - and discovers it has stopped. But just then sees a patient dressed in a ragged navy uniform on the other side of the fence.

"I say old chap...You don't happen to know the time do you ?"

"Hold on a moment" shouts the old salt - then throws himself on the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does so. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, checks that the stick is vertical.
Next he produces a compass and swings around to face north. Then with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.
Finally he takes a slide-rule from his pocket, plus a set of planetary declination tables and does a quick calculation. Satisfied he packs up his instruments and smiles at the businessman. "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is Wednesday August 29th, which I believe it is."

The city gent is really impressed, and sets his Rolex accordingly. But just before he leaves he congratulates the old salt. "That was really remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?"

The salt holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."

 

Told that one from memory, I guess Bergalia!

But was that afore or after 'going up the ice'?

 

As I was searching the forums this morning my attention was immediately drawn to "boat jokes by safewalrus" WHAT???? I thought walrus telling a joke I dont believe it. I hastely opened the thread to see as usuall no F$%^ joke just a comment on others.

 

Probably this one has already been posted, but just in case...

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish..."

 

Boat jokes

A slice of true life Guillermo...brings back memories of the old Barra couple Iona and Donald MacNeil. Lovely old couple who went to see their solicitor about a divorce.
Somewhat shocked the legal gentleman looks at the pair. "A divorce is it ?"
They nod.
"Donald man, Iona... I've known you all my life, never a sharp word between you. Now a divorce."
Again the couple nod.
"And how long is you've been married ?"
"Seventy-three years this September..." says Donald.
"Seventy-three years..." The legal gentleman shakes his head in disbelief. "Seventy-three years, and now a divorce....Why? Why after all these years have you decided to seperate ?"
"Ah, well," said Iona. "We thought we'd wait until the children died....."

 

Frosties standards are in their usual place, just below the waist! bit like 'im really

 

Oh jeees Im still on the forum this morning. I though after that joke I might have been ----dis-communicated.

Thank you walrus for yet again another riveting hilarious and worth while comment.

Some times in life one feels a little perhaps unsure of ones self and a few kind word of appreciation and guidence from some one like yourslf makes it all worth while and puts a new fresh spring in my step.

 

Boat jokes

Dash it Frosty, not only guilty of generalisation - but now tautology...'new fresh'...

 

So glad I can lighten your day Frosty, it makes it all seem worthwhile, somehow!!

 

Sunsail base -sunsale base -sunsail base -this is little star". "Go ahead little star". "Oh we have a problem with the boat" --"What is the problem" "the boat wont go" ----what do you mean it wont --go!" "well we try to move it but it just goes round and round in circles"--silence--' Have you tried moving the steering wheel"---"yes we have moved it a lot but it still does it" silence' " try hauling the anchor"

sunsail base --sunsail base-- sunsail base "this is little star yes that seems to have done the trick, it is going now"

Ahem this is not a joke.

 

Sunsail Base wasn't a joke, damn, it was funnier that the whale one.

Poida

 

Poida I have just tried to give you some points for being a really really nice bloke --and for liking my jokes.

Unfortunately me ole mate the computer says no. Eeerr I could send you a beer in the post?

 

Please do not do that Frosty, without the can the effect would not be the same.