BOAT JOKES (we need a few laughs)

[Ruby Tuesday]

Originally Posted by mark775

What's worse is that I AM GOING TO DO THAT! thanks

I just tried that & had no joy.

I said to the chemist "Do you have cotton wool balls?"

He said " What do you think I am, a friggin' TEDDY BEAR?"

[Ruby Tuesday]

Lord Lonsdale upped anchor & moved his new 40m Sunseeker to Italian waters. He had the deck Jacuzzi converted into a luxury bathtub with a few screens around it for privacy.

Every evening his butler, Jeeves (who was engaged in litigation with a like-named search-engine over naming rights – nothing to do with the joke, merely background information), would run his Lordship’s bath, wait for him to be settled in it, & receive his Lordships’ order for a sundowner. This took the form of a pink gin, a small sherry, or even on the odd occasion he was asked to warm up a beer.

This particular evening, he returned with a small sherry (Taylor’s, good vintage) & noticed that his Lordship had a quite substantial erection.

“How’s that, eh Jeeves, pretty damn good, what?”

“That’s the best for a very long time sir – shall I warn Her Ladyship to prepare herself?”

“Good gracious no, man! This is a real beauty! Tell the captain to launch the tender & we’ll sneak it ashore & into the village”

[masrapido]

Hoyt, save your spanish letters to the desktop and when you need them simply select and copy. Paste where you want them and enjoy.

[hoytedow]

Thanks, Masrapido.

[hoytedow]

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a Colorado rancher.



One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"

So then the rancher leaves for the fields.



After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn.



They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one...right here."



Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks,



"Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"



"That's simple. By the nail over its stall." Amy explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"



She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says,



"I guess it's to hang your pants on."

[dskira]

About Bra Sizes... Did you ever wonder why the letters ABCDEF are used to define bra sizes? Well, no need to wonder any longer....

A - Almost

B - Barely there

C - Can Do

D - Damn good

E - Enormous

F - Fake

[hoytedow]

G - Gone is the Sun

I recently picked a new primary care doctor.


After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.


A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 90?"


He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink alcohol?"


"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"


Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"


I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"


"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"


"No, I don't," I said.


He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"


"No," I said.


He looked at me and said, "Well then, why do you want to live to be 90?"

[Fanie]

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,'OK old fart, Time for you to retire.'

The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle
ALL of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me
Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'

The young rooster says,
'Beat it: You are washed up
And I am taking over.'
The old rooster says,
'I tell you what, young stud.
I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'

The young rooster laughs.
'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
So, just to be fair,
I will give you a head start.'

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.
They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast!
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
When he sees the roosters running by.

The Old Rooster is squawking
And running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM -
He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,

'Dammit... Third gay rooster I bought this month.'

Moral of this Story?...
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS -
Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery
Always overcome youth and arrogance!
OLD DUDES RULE !!!

[cummingknives]

Two Irish guys in a rowboat find themselves being pushed farther and farther from shore, and no matter how hard or fast they row, they continue to be washed farther out to sea. Fearing the end, they ship oars and hang their heads in their hands.

Suddenly, one looks up and spots a bottle floating nearby and snags it with an oar and lifts it aboard. While examining the bottle, he pulls the cork releasing a genie who emerges and asks, "Give me any command, and I'll grant it". The man who retrieved the bottle replies, "Turn the sea into Guinness!", and the sea turned dark with a lovely creamy head.

"You bloody fool", cried the other. "Now we'll have to piss in the boat!!"

[cummingknives]

Two Irish guys in a rowboat find themselves being pushed farther and farther from shore, and no matter how hard or fast they row, they continue to be washed farther out to sea. Fearing the end, they ship oars and hang their heads in their hands.

Suddenly, one looks up and spots a bottle floating nearby and snags it with an oar and lifts it aboard. While examining the bottle, he pulls the cork releasing a genie who emerges and asks, "Give me any command, and I'll grant it". The man who retrieved the bottle replies, "Turn the sea into Guinness!", and the sea turned dark with a lovely creamy head.

"You bloody fool", cried the other. "Now we'll have to piss in the boat!!"

[cummingknives]

A blonde drives out into the Iowa countryside in her red Cadillac convertible, top down and blonde hair streaming behind her when she spies another blonde at the edge of a cornfield in an old, dilapidated boat, rowing like crazy. The blonde in the caddy pulls over, stands up in the seat and yells, "Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"I'm rowin', what's it to ya?"

Surprised by the other blonde's answer, Cadillac blonde gets all squinty-eyed and yells back, "You dumb-ass, it's women like you who give blondes like me a bad reputation. If I could, I'd swim out there and kick your ass!"

Cummingknives, does that hurt?
Thanks for the jokes!

[cummingknives]

Dear Mark775: Does what hurt?

[lewisboats]

cumming knives.....

[hoytedow]

Sharp!