BOAT JOKES (we need a few laughs)

[hoytedow]

If your groundhog is too cold, marmot up.

[ancient kayaker]

How may marmots could a woodchuck chuck if woodchuck were a groundhog?

[hoytedow]

Two Irishmen walking down the street with two salmon each under their arms.
Two other Irishmen walking in the opposite direction see the two lucky fishermen and ask " how did you catch those ?"
Well its like this! Michael here holds my legs over the bridge, and I grab the salmon as they swim up the river. We got four salmon A great days fishing!
So the fishless pair look at each other and agree to give it a try.
They get to the bridge and Sean calls to his friend "hold my legs now Paddy".
Well he is hanging there upside down for thirty minutes when he suddenly cries.. "pull me up, pull me up!!
Paddy asks " do you have a fish Sean?"...
No replies Sean, there a bloody train coming!!!

[hoytedow]

How much whistle would a whistle-pig pig if a whistle-pig could pig whistle?

[hoytedow]

Sent to me:

>>> As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked
>>>by a funeral director to play at a graveside
>>>service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends,
>>>so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the
>>>Kentucky back-country.
>>>
>>>
>>>As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and
>>>being a typical man I didn’t stop for directions. I
>>>finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had
>>>evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
>>>
>>>There were only the diggers and crew left and they were
>>>eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for
>>>being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked
>>>down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't
>>>know what else to do, so I started to play.
>>>
>>>The workers put down their lunches and began to gather
>>>around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with
>>>no family and friends. I played like I've never played
>>>before for this homeless man.
>>>And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,' the
>>>workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept
>>>together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and
>>>started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was
>>>full.
>>>
>>>
>>>As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers
>>>say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and
>>>I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty
>>>years."
>>>

[hoytedow]

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vender? "Make me one
with everything."
What did the hot dog vender say when the Buddhist asked for his change? "Change comes from within."

[Bamby]

While trying to escape through Pakistan..Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it up.

Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said-
"Master, may I grant you one wish?"

Osama responded, "You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog!
Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything!"

The shocked genie said-
"Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."

Osama thought a moment,then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said- "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning..so just do it and be off with you!”

The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.




The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Nancy Pelosi at his side.
His penis was gone, his knees were broken,and he had no health insurance.

[Bamby]

The USPS produced a stamp bearing the likeness of President Obama. In a very short period of time they started receiving thousands of complaints about the new stamp. It seems that they were not sticking to the envelopes.

President Obama was irate when he heard the complaint and by Executive Order set up a Commission to investigate.

After a month of testing and spending $4.3 million, the special commission presented the following findings in a 1,000 page document that was summarized as follows:

1. The stamp is in perfect order.

2. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.

3. People are spitting on the wrong side of the stamp.

[Bamby]

This is alarming

Beer contains female hormones!

Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!

Last month,

Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.


To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 Beer's within a one (1) hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:-

1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally, and had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary!!

[Bamby]

A woman who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down."

GOD BLESS AMERICA

[Fanie]

Beware of older men - they only get wiser!

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday..
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but
how old do you think I am

'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the
very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her
way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning
question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her
the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young
there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your
bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of
her.

She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very
slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says,
'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?

'I promise I won't' she says.





'I was behind you at McDonalds.'

[Fanie]

What is a CIRCUIT ?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Electricity originates inside clouds.

There it forms into lightning, which is attracted to the earth by golfers.

After entering the ground, the electricity hardens to coal,

which, when dug up by power companies and burned in big ovens called 'generators',

turns back into electricity.....

where it is transformed by TV sets into commercials for BEER,

which passes throught the consumers and back into the ground,

thus completing which is know as a "CIRCUIT".

[hoytedow]

That was a short circuit.

Very funny stuff Bamby.
There are no groundhogs in Alaska.
Takin' a drive in the high country with my daughters up kinda near Palmer/Wasilla, we strayed upon this marmot. Having never seen one before, we stopped and took some pics. He got a little nervous at my daughter's trying to feed him and skittered down onto a rock shoulder on the lower switchback. Trying to get him to turn and pose for one last pic, I tossed a pebble near him and he hunkered down as low as he could get on the highest ground around! He sat absolutely still for maybe five minutes. What an odd creature!

Marmot country.


This guy was lookin' to get a brown bear butt-kickin'






This one woud be afraid of his shadow!




Remains of an old gold mine up in the clouds


Lookin' for marmot shadows

Hoyt, I think I'll use the "marmot up" line...and the kids will roll their eyes!

[hoytedow]

Mark, there is no pun too lame for me to use.