BOAT JOKES (we need a few laughs)

[capt vimes]

lol - fanie.. that was a good one...

[hoytedow]

Originally Posted by Zed

LOL that's a bit like calling a Canadian an American!

Definitely a K1 joke!

Damn bald pussies!

or vice versa.

[ancient kayaker]

Originally Posted by Zed

LOL that's a bit like calling a Canadian an American ..

That happened to me twice. The first time was my mother after I returned to the UK for a vacation. Not much you can do when that happens.

The second time the American was a taxi driver.

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Kumon, think about it ...

[Sean Herron]

Originally Posted by troy2000

If your wife's at the front door and your dog's at the back door, who do you let in first?


The dog....he'll shut up once he gets inside.

Hello...
Been on the juice - working - shopping boats - getting divorced - all bugged out - that bit was funny...
SH.

[Sean Herron]

Hello...
Walking about in Mexico...
Loud mouthed kid gets chucked into the street from a bar - gets up - shouts out to the Mexican cops - 'you can't **** with me - I am an American' - oh boy...
How to get beaten with telephone books before you are given your phone call on a phone that does not work...
You cannot fix stupid...
SH.

[Sean Herron]

Hello...
The phone solicitors call about 7PM here - I am all juiced up - I don't why but I was pissed off and came up with this...
Can I please speak to Mr. Herron - I say - that's my daddie - I am Bobbie Herron and I am now 7 years old...
Is your daddie home Bobbie - no - he went out for cigarettes three days ago and has not come back - I have no food and I am hungry...
Is there anyone there with you Bobbie - yes - but grampy has been asleep on the floor for two days and he won't get up...
By this time you think the guy would just hang up - but his English was weak...
Then he tells me he is going to send over the police - I bugged out and slept in my truck...
Great fun...
SH.

[hoytedow]

Originally Posted by ancient kayaker

That happened to me twice. The first time was my mother after I returned to the UK for a vacation. Not much you can do when that happens.

The second time the American was a taxi driver.

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Kumon, think about it ...

At least you found a taxi driver who could speak English. Been to Miami lately?

[ancient kayaker]

Not by taxi!

[Bamby]

Little Johnny is always seems to be in trouble....

[hoytedow]

What sound does a analytical numbers theorist make when he falls off his boat and drowns?


...loglogloglogloglog!

[ancient kayaker]

That can happen if one of those guys hits the C2H5OH too hard and gets pi-eyed. Reminds me of the scientist who fell off a tall building, he hung there for a moment, then said "oh, G" and down he went.

[hoytedow]

I apologize if this has been here before, but if so it is worth repeating.

A magician was performing on cruise ship and each night while performing his pet parrot keeps saying "its up his sleeve" " its in his pocket". "its in his shoe". "in his pants" etc and the magician was loosing his patience. one night while performing his tricks the ships boilers blew and the ship sank, the lucky magician was able to grab onto a ships table and float on the sea for a few days. the parrot in the mean time seemed non plussed and was looking quizically at the magician for a few days whilst drifting. On the 4th day the parrots looks at his master and says "I give up... what did you do with the ship?"

[RHP]

The Man Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down, finally , the guys' side of the story. We always hear 'the rules' from the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

Please note.. These are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl.. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.


1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. 'Yes' and 'No' are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for..

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' we will act like nothing's wrong we know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Rugby,Motorbikes or Golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

[Fanie]

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention
of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways -
Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other -
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and
screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride !! '

[Fanie]

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans...

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills