BOAT JOKES (we need a few laughs)

[Zed]

LOL that's a bit like calling a Canadian an American!

Definitely a K1 joke!

Damn bald pussies!

[masalai]

Three Brazilian Soldiers

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"


A blonde was sitting in the train station reading the paper. The headline read, 12 Brazilian soldiers killed in shoot out.
She turned to the man next to her and asked, "How many is a brazilian?"

Seems Brazilians think Bush and Blonds are one and the same?

[masalai]

How do you get a Brazilian to laugh on a Sunday? Tell them a joke on Friday.
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Q: A Brazilian and a Spanish guy are in a car. Who's driving? A: The cop.
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I looked a bit thinking that I could find a different Brazilian joke. Little did I know that a second language would be handy. Apparently the Portuguese have many Brazilian Jokes but sadly none in English that I could find. On the other hand folks in Brazil do tell ethnic jokes about folks from Argentina. (Now who would have thought...) There are a few Brazilian jokes here but I am not from Brazil so I guess the humor is lost on me. Perhaps if we sent bushco down to Brazil, the natives might be inspired to tell stupid American jokes. This link is moderately entertaining and the last joke at the bottom of the page is posted here as an example. That link to the page is NOT at the bottom of this post for those who may be interested in examining more Brazilian jokes then, USE google and "Brazilian Jokes" should disappoint you too, as it did me.....
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A Brazilian enters the Police Station and confesses to the Chief.
"I came to turn myself in, I committed a crime, I can not live in peace"

Sir the laws here are very severe and must be obeyed, if you are guilty there will be no getting out of jail time because of your guilty conscious. Exactly which crime do you wish to confess to?

"I ran over a man", replied the Brazilian.

This is bad, you may indeed wind up in jail!

"It was an Argentinian on the road near the border", explained the Brazilian.

Oh well that is different my friend, you can not blame yourself if those Argentinians are crossing the roads all the time without checking to see if someone is coming.

"But he was standing on the side of the road", the Brazilian added.

Well then it was quite likely that he was going to cross that road anyway, if not you then someone else would have hit him.

"But I did not have the decency to inform the man's family of this", the Brazilian explained.

My friend had you informed them, there would have been manifestations, popular repudiations, protests, fights and even more people would likely die! No sir you did the right thing, if anything, I think that you are a pacifist and deserve to have a statue built in your honor.

"But it gets worse...I buried the man by the side of the road", sobbed the Brazilian.

You are indeed a true humanitarian! Anyone else would have left the body by the side of the road to be eaten by the buzzards and hyenas...

"But he kept saying that he was not dead", the Brazilian confessed.

AHA!! Lies of course...What do you expect out of an Argentinian.

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Do all Brazilians lack in a capacity to tell, write, record or make jokes? These are some of the best that a google search could find, None are Brazilian - what a humourless lot? or is everybody eye-candy watching and thought-bonking? - - - I thought a bit of retribution for the mistaking a NZLdr and calling it an Aussy - then - on second thought - - - most of the Kiwi's are over here anyway?

[hoytedow]

Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a general
practice (GP) physician, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a
pathologist.

After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the GP
who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated.

"I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to get
a second opinion." And of course by that time, the bird was long gone.

Another bird appeared in the sky thereafter. This time, the pediatrician
drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in
his sights and besides, it might have babies. "I'll have to do some more
investigations," he muttered, as the creature made good its escape.

Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun
shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity. "Now, I
know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The fortunate bird
disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma.

Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed
skywards. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned
nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him. "Go see if that was a duck, will
you?"

[Fanie]

Masalai, that was excellent !

I must say I enjoy this thread tremendously

Hoyt, that's the truth, why tell it as a joke

Are you going to tell the laywer one or not

[hoytedow]

Admiralty Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my boater-client's case on the basis of newly discovered evidence."

Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"

Admiralty Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my boater-client still has $500 left(port)."

[ancient kayaker]

A young lawyer saw an ambulance pull away from the site of a traffic accident and sprinted after it. In his enthusiasm for his first real case he did not check the traffic and was struck by a following vehicle. So it all turned out well for him in the end.

[Fanie]

Well done !!

[masrapido]

Originally Posted by dcfrench

Remember, Parrots are nautical.
A 20 something red head Sue is fed up with her bad luck dating. Decides it's time for a change. A friend suggests the pet store. A few days later Sue walks into a well known pet store and looks around. While looking around she passes a parrot on a perch. The clever young bird looks her up and down with bobbing head and cries out, "BUY ME, BUY ME!" After a bit more poking around she decides to ask about the bird. The store owner tells her that yes, they do make excellent companions, BUT, the owner of such a pet must lay down the rules. The young gal returns a few days later and buys the parrot. Sue names him Bob. After she gets home she tells her new room mate the rules. No fowl language, no swearing, no disrespectful talk, no odd looks, ect, ect, ect. A few days pass. After work Sue goes out for a jog, returns and heads for the shower. After she gets the shower set and steps in, Bob (really hard to resist saying "her bird") flies in and lands on the shower curtain rod. He (has to be a male parrot) looks down at his room mate, bobs his head and cries out, "NICE ASS!, NICE ASS!) Outraged, Sue wraps a towel around herself, grabs Bob and puts him in the refrigerator. After settling down, drying off and getting ready for bed she pulls him out of the refrigerator and asks if he has learned his lesson. Bob bobs his head up and down and with a shaky voice responds quietly, "learned my lesson!, learned my lesson!". The next morning, getting ready for work, Sue steps into the shower again. Again Bob flies in, lands on the curtain rods, looks down and exclaims, "NICE TITS!, NICE TITS!!!" Shocked, Sue wraps in a towel, grabs Bob and closes him in the freezer. After drying off, make up and all that other woman stuff, 15 to 20 minutes has passed. Sue opens the freezer and pulls out Bob. Sternly she asks Bob, "DID YOU LEARN YOUR LESSON!" Bobs looks her straight in the eye and replies, "Yep!, learned my lesson!, learned my lesson!" Sue places Bob on his perch, gathers her gear for work and is about to head out when Bob quietly says, "Got a Question!" Sue pauses and then says, "What is it?" Bob bobs his head up and down and very quietly says,





" WHAT DID THE TURKEY DO, ASK FOR A BLOW JOB?!!"

That's a third version of the joke already, so I think another, the fourth, one will be fine. And yes, parrots are integral part of the sea theme (think one legged, one eyed, one hand).

A good freind bought a parrot and gave it ti Lenin for his 35th birthday. Lenin, being a teacher by his nature, decide to learn the parrot to sing the Internationale, as his radio was not working and there was no music to keep him company. But the parrot only knew some swear words and did not seem willing to learn any new tricks.

After a while, Lenin's patience gave way and he exploded. He grabbed the bird by the neck, opened the freezer and threw the bird in screaming: "You'll stay there until you learn some manners and respect!! Stupid bird!"

It is, after all, a ******* parrot. They are meant to learn how to speak, and easilly, right? Well...

Anyway.

Between the meetings, agitprop and whatnot, Lenin forgot about the parrot. About a week later he remembered what happened earlier and rushed to the freezer fearing the worst.

As he opened the door, the parrot flew out yelling: "Good morning tovarish Lenin, how are you?" And then it started singing the Internationale.

Shocked Lenin looked at the bird and asked: "What the hell is going on? How come you are so nice and all of a sudden singing?"

The parrot responded: "Siberia, brother, Siberia."

[masrapido]

Originally Posted by Zed

LOL that's a bit like calling a Canadian an American!

Canadians ARE Americans. America is a CONTINENT, not a country.

Mud bricks spring to mind.

[RHP]

Terror Alert Levels

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's Get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have one higher level: "Invade a Neighbor"

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish Navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish Navy.

Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

And in the southern hemisphere...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the Air Force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the Navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I Hope Australia Will Come and Rescue Us".

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No Worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I Think We'll Need to Cancel the Barbie this Weekend" and "The Barbie is Cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

[Fanie]

Two Zimbabweans are on a bicycle about 15 miles outside of Manchester.

One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into town.

A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help, and the Zimbabweans ask him for a ride. He tells them he has no room in the trailer as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The Zimbabweans put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit into the back with their bike, will he take them back into town and he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way.

By this time he is really late and so puts the hammer down and sure enough, a blonde cop pulls him over for speeding. The lady officer asks the driver what he is carrying, to which the driver jokingly replies "Zimbabwean eggs."

The Blonde Lady Cop obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look in the trailer. She opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. She gets on her radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible plus the Swat Team..

The dispatcher asks what emergency she has that require so many officers.

"I've got a Tractor-Trailer stopped with 20,000 Zimbabwean eggs in it. Two have hatched and they've already managed to steal a bicycle.”

[Fanie]

Brilliant RHP

I have an add-on to that for South Africa, I'll do it a bit later on

[ancient kayaker]

Originally Posted by masrapido

Canadians ARE Americans. America is a CONTINENT, not a country.

Mud bricks spring to mind.

... and Chile is a dietary supplement that helps if I'm constipated ...

[Fanie]

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's Get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have one higher level: "Invade a Neighbor"

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish Navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish Navy.

Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

And in the southern hemisphere...

South Africa has raised their security levels by toi-toying, burning stuff, organizing strikes and rising the price of fuel and especially electricity. If everything in South Africa can become expensive enough through personal gain and monopolies then any threat should stay away. A next level of security would be to blame the previously advantaged whites even more and to hold piece talks with the UN to upheave human rights to super duper human rights. Financial support expected. A final level is to allie any threat with a financial gain. Crime is legalized even more and fraud becomes compulsory. The less education the higher the level of security.

Zimbabwe raised their security levels by chasing all white farmers out of the country and by printing as much money as possible. A further step in security is to swarm over the border to South Africa to seek asylum hence avoiding the security threat. Cholera is distributed to everyone freely as a welcome bonus. The security threat in Zimbabwe is expected to vote for itself with every election.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the Air Force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the Navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I Hope Australia Will Come and Rescue Us".

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No Worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I Think We'll Need to Cancel the Barbie this Weekend" and "The Barbie is Cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.