BOAT JOKES (we need a few laughs)

[hoytedow]

Engineers...... Excellent, as was(were) rule(s) number 1.

[hoytedow]

"You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to apex1 again".

I get that alot.

Hard to bear Hoyt, but I´ll try to survive.

One about your Neighbours:

Two rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune!

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"

The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

more fishing:

An Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip. He hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since the Englishman was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage. They were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path. The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and said, "Mira el mosca!" The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity, replied, "No, senor, 'la mosca'... es feminina."

The Englishman looked at him, then back at the fly, and then said, "Good heavens... you must have incredibly good eyesight."

And a real "boat joke" I found:



and a both joke:

A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."
The friends says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"
The first guys says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them!"

[hoytedow]

Everything has an end, but why is a boat like a sausage?

[hoytedow]

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.
While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted.
The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted.
The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing."

Originally Posted by hoytedow

Everything has an end, but why is a boat like a sausage?

Both have two.


Jokes demand a different sort of language comprehension than straight texts: word play, punch lines and exaggerations often disguise the 'true' meaning. So, it´s no surprise that mainly the native English speakers are found posting here.
The common misbelief the Germans would have no humour is, well, you name it.

Belief

No kidding...

http://news.nationalgeographic.com/n...s-color-sperm/

[Bamby]

Men just don't stand a chance......

[Fanie]

Men die before their wives because they want to...

[dcfrench]

Remember, Parrots are nautical.
A 20 something red head Sue is fed up with her bad luck dating. Decides it's time for a change. A friend suggests the pet store. A few days later Sue walks into a well known pet store and looks around. While looking around she passes a parrot on a perch. The clever young bird looks her up and down with bobbing head and cries out, "BUY ME, BUY ME!" After a bit more poking around she decides to ask about the bird. The store owner tells her that yes, they do make excellent companions, BUT, the owner of such a pet must lay down the rules. The young gal returns a few days later and buys the parrot. Sue names him Bob. After she gets home she tells her new room mate the rules. No fowl language, no swearing, no disrespectful talk, no odd looks, ect, ect, ect. A few days pass. After work Sue goes out for a jog, returns and heads for the shower. After she gets the shower set and steps in, Bob (really hard to resist saying "her bird") flies in and lands on the shower curtain rod. He (has to be a male parrot) looks down at his room mate, bobs his head and cries out, "NICE ASS!, NICE ASS!) Outraged, Sue wraps a towel around herself, grabs Bob and puts him in the refrigerator. After settling down, drying off and getting ready for bed she pulls him out of the refrigerator and asks if he has learned his lesson. Bob bobs his head up and down and with a shaky voice responds quietly, "learned my lesson!, learned my lesson!". The next morning, getting ready for work, Sue steps into the shower again. Again Bob flies in, lands on the curtain rods, looks down and exclaims, "NICE TITS!, NICE TITS!!!" Shocked, Sue wraps in a towel, grabs Bob and closes him in the freezer. After drying off, make up and all that other woman stuff, 15 to 20 minutes has passed. Sue opens the freezer and pulls out Bob. Sternly she asks Bob, "DID YOU LEARN YOUR LESSON!" Bobs looks her straight in the eye and replies, "Yep!, learned my lesson!, learned my lesson!" Sue places Bob on his perch, gathers her gear for work and is about to head out when Bob quietly says, "Got a Question!" Sue pauses and then says, "What is it?" Bob bobs his head up and down and very quietly says,





" WHAT DID THE TURKEY DO, ASK FOR A BLOW JOB?!!"

All strange critters, so to say.........................


A little boy asked his mother:
- Mummy, why are you white and I am black?
- Don’t even ask me that, when I remember that party..., you are lucky that you don’t bark.

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A policeman comes to the office with one black shoe and one white shoe. His boss starts to yell at him:
- You are ruining police reputation, go home and change the shoes.
The policeman goes home, and comes back after a while.
- Boss I have a problem, the other pair of shoes at home are black and white, too.

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- Santa Claus, one smart and one stupid policeman are walking together when they spot a hundred dollars on the ground. Who will take the money?

- ???






- The stupid policeman, since Santa Claus and the smart policeman don’t exist.


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On a narrow mountain road a man sees a police car driving uphill backwards.
- Hi guys. Why are you driving backwards?
- Because we are not sure that we will find a place to make a u-turn on the top of the mountain.
After one hour the same man sees the same police car driving downhill backwards again.
- But guys, why are you driving backwards again?
- We found a place to make a u-turn up there.


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There was a burning building with a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde at the top.
-The firemen are yelling to the redhead to jump into a blanket and she jumps off the building and right as she was about to safely hit the blanket they moved it and she dies.
-They yell to the brunette to jump but she says,"No I saw what you did to the redhead"! They shout we don't like redheads!
-So the brunette jumps and sure enough they move the blanket and she dies.
-Then they shout to the blonde to jump off into the blanket. But the blonde says,"no I saw what you did to them"! They shout we don't like them!
-The blonde then says, "I don't trust you guys, put the blanket on the ground and step back!"


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Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven. Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned. "Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she said.

"Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter told her.

Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned. "Well, once I held a man's penis," she replied.

"Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said.

Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun. Peter asked her, "Why did you push ahead in line?"

She said, "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!"

good night!

The dcfrench one was a realgood.......................

ok a last one from here:


The angry preacher...

The preacher rose with a red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family!"

No one moved.

The preacher continued, " Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in our heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression!"

Again all was quiet.

Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.

"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan.
I told a couple of friends you were a wizard under the sheets."

[hoytedow]

Goodnight.

[Sean Herron]

Hello...
Not knowing where I was - I simply asked if he would mind if I pushed his stool in a little...
Did not see anything in it really...
SH.