BOAT JOKES (we need a few laughs)

[Fanie]

Net surfing...

[Fanie]

A boy comes home from school at 7pm, His dad says "where were you? "
"I was with Jessica." He replied.
"What were you doing?"
"We were revising."
After picking a snack off the table the son says "These fishcakes are lovely."
Dad replies "Wash your hands son; they're donuts."

[hoytedow]

You know that I walk(NOT) quite a bit – and enjoy it!



Here are some other folks views on Walking in 2010 !

Happy 2010 – Keep Walkin



by Ron Noyes

(I have a cousin named Walker Allen – I don’t know if he walks much or not!)

The Importance of walking:

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $6,000 per month.

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we have no idea where he is.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year,
spent about 500 dollars.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there!.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, He looks good doesn't he.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a bar with a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

You could run this over to your friends
But just e-mail it to them!
It will save you the walk!

[Fanie]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of
ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the
job in the first place.

It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that
he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing
$10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks
he embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks
the bookkeeper where the money is.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Qeens !"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."


Don't you just love lawyers

[Fanie]

OFFICIAL RECALL NOTICE CANCELLED

SUBJECT – Julius Malema STAMP

The Reported Problem: Stamp Was Not Sticking To Envelopes.

Course of Action: The Premiers Office Allocated R1.5 Million To Test Stamp

FINDINGS
1. The stamp is in perfect order.
2. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive
3. People are spitting on the wrong side.

[Fanie]

Heard about the new via gra for woman, makes their legs stiff so they can stand longer in the kitchen.

[Fanie]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest
of my life!, between the !eg$ of me wife!'


That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the
night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best
toast of the night.'


She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'
John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of my life, sitting in
church beside me wife.'

'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.


The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the
street corner.


The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other
night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You
know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell
asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him
come.'

[Fanie]

After a British Airways flight reached its cruising altitude, the Captain announced:

'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome
to Flight 293,Non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather
ahead is good, so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit
back, relax and HOLY CRAP !'

Silence followed

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.

'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you.
While I was talking To you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup
of hot coffee in My lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

One Irish passenger yelled,
You should see the back of mine!

[Fanie]

There was once a man called Jim who was obsessed with tractors. He lived on a farm and dealt with them on a day 2 day basis he had pictures in his room of all different tractors and their machinery he was a real big fan of tractors and his bed spread was even a red tractor spread made for kids...

One morning he woke up and said to himself "Im getting so tired of this, the passion for tractors has gone" he ripped the pictures off his wall and bought a new bed spread. He was sad that his passion had died down and he went to the bar to drink his problems away. He was talking to the bartender (Neil) and Jim and Neil were talking about how much smoke was in the bar. It was a hot box. Neil then said "Man I would give anyone R1000 if they could get rid of that smoke", Jim replied "Really?" Jim proceeded to walk out the bar on a mission. He came back into the bar 1 minute later and all the smoke had dissapeared, Neil said "How did you do that?" Jim replied "It was easy im an ex-tractor fan"

[Fanie]

Pilot Nova 851:

“Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for 10,000, requesting runway 15.”

Halifax Terminal (female):

“Nova 851, Halifax, the last time I gave a pilot what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks. Expect runway 06.”

[Fanie]

A Pan Am 727 waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

[Fanie]

David, the fisherman, had driven by the lake many times and had seen some other anglers about, so he decided to give his luck a try. On his first day of fishing he had no luck at all but noticed that another fisherman near him that was scooping in one after another. He had to know The Secret. "Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort of bait you are using?" he asked.

The other man looked around a bit embarrassed. "Well, I am a surgeon, and quite by accident I found that human tonsil works very well."

David thanked the man, thought about what sort of bait to try next time, and left.

The next day, David returned to the lake, tried a different bait and still had no luck. Just as the day before, there was yet a different man reeling in fish after fish. "Excuse me," asked David, "but could you suggest a bait that I could try?"

"Well, I can, but I am not sure it will do you any good. I am using a bit of human appendix."

"Hmm," thought David. It seemed that the fish in this lake would require a little more effort than normal. He left, willing to give the lake one more try.

On the third day, David still had no luck. As was usual, there was yet another man near him bringing in fish left and right. David wanted to confirm what he already knew. "Excuse me sir, but are you a doctor?"

"No, I am a Rabbi." replied the man.

[masrapido]

Originally Posted by Fanie

More on SA mentality...

Let me see if I understand all this...

IF YOU CROSS THE SOUTH AFRICAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET A JOB, A DRIVERS LICENSE, PENSION CARD, WELFARE, CREDIT CARDS, SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE, FREE EDUCATION AND FREE HEALTH CARE. PERKS INCLUDE WEAPONS OF YOUR CHOICE.

Dunno if that was smart to advertise...Do not be surprised if a sudden tidal wave hits your shores in a week or so.

[Fanie]

Looking for some beaver ?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3rBTzKLxV3w



On a recent trip to the United States, President Jacob Zuma addressed a major gathering of Red Indians.

He spoke for almost an hour on his plans for improving South Africa 's present standard of living.

At the conclusion of his speech, the crowd presented him with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle.

The proud Zuma then sang them his signature tune and departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later asked one of the Indians how they came to select the new name given to Zuma.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of sh!t that it can no longer fly.

[Fanie]

A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong.

One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's rich and self-employed,

And when I spend, won't be annoyed.

Pull out my chair and hold my hand.

Massage my feet and help me stand.

Oh send a king to make me queen.

A man who loves to cook and clean.

I pray this man will love no other.

And relish visits with my mother.



A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with big *i*s who owns a bar

on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This

doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh! % .