BOAT JOKES (we need a few laughs)

[Bamby]

Father O'Malley

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington DC parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of air and to see the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the US House of Representatives for assistance.

The conversation went like this: "Good morning.' This is speaker Pelosi, 'How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn.

Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Speaker Pelosi, considering herself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to first notify the next of kin."

[Bamby]

Don't Mess With Old People

Howard was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital.
There was one nurse that just drove him crazy.

Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he
was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of
voice, 'And how are we doing this morning', or 'Are we
ready for a bath,' or 'Are we hungry?'

Old Howard had enough of this particular nurse. One
day, at breakfast, Old Howard took the apple juice off the
tray and put it in his bed side stand.

Next, he was given a urine bottle to fill for testing.

So you know where the juice went! The nurse came in a
little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it. 'My,
it seems we are a little cloudy today.'

At this, Old Howard snatched the bottle out of her hand,
popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, 'Well, I'll run
it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time.'

The nurse fainted!

Old Howard just smiled!

DON'T MESS WITH 'OLD' PEOPLE!

[Bamby]

Missing Maine Wife

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident off the coast of Maine , a man answered his door to find two grim-faced State Troopers. "We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Troopers.


"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.
The Troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.
Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad news first."
The second Trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband.

Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The Trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 6 twenty-five pound snow crabs and 12 good-size lobsters
clinging to her."
Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news???"

The Trooper answered, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow ."

[Bamby]

NOTICE:

Due to the climate of political correctness
now prevailing in America, those of us from
Kentucky, Alabama, Tennessee, Georgia, North and
South Carolina, Virginia and West Virginia will no
longer be referred to as "Hillbillies" or "Rednecks".

You must now refer to us as "Appalachian-Americans".

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some possums to fry.

[Bamby]

The Awful Hairdo

A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: “Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking Continental,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“Continental?” exclaimed the hairdresser. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”

“We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome’s Tiber River. It’s called Teste.”

“Don’t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump.

“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope,” added the woman.

“That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.”

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

“It was wonderful,” explained the woman, “not only were we on-time in one of Continental’s brand new planes, but it was over booked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful. I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

“And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge!”

“Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “that’s all well and good, but I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”

“Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors. So, if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.”

“Oh, really! What’d he say ?

He said: “Where’d you get that awful Hairdo?”

[Bamby]

A child's perspective

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

“Take only ONE. God is watching.”

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

[Fanie]

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."
"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir anything you see down there is 85 years old.
I just bought this hat yesterday!"

[Fanie]

Yesterday she pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,
'Look dad ! It's a frickin' elephant!'
I took a deep breath, then asked...'What did you call it?'

'It's a frickin' Elephant, Grandpa! It says so on the picture!' and so it does...


' A f r i c a n Elephant '

[Fanie]

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker
successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without
breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the
Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same
conclusion:

Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, your pecker gets
harder when you're away from home.

[Fanie]

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful-the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them. "The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "No point asking about the beard then ..."

[Fanie]

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway.
But, as time went by, the traffic
slowly built up at an alarming rate.
The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his
chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office
and said, "You've got to do something about all
of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day he had the county workers
go out and erected a sign that said:

SLOW:
SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff
and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers.
The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county
workers and they put up a new sign:

SLOW:
CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called
and called and called every day for three weeks.
Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are
doing no good.. Can I put up my own sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign.."
He was going to let Farmer John do just about
anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.

The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the
Sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call..
"How's the problem with those drivers.
Did you put up your sign?"


"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been
killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy."
He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to
himself, "I'd better go out there and take a
look at that sign... It might be something that
WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house,
and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.
It was spray painted on a sheet of wood....

NUDIST COLONY
Go slow and watch out for chicks!

[Fanie]

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. It's a bad one.
Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says; "So, you're a man.

That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!
There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle.
My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."

[Fanie]

The difference between Tiger Woods and Father Christmas is that Father Christmas stops after three ho's.

[Fanie]

Two ladies talking in heaven:


1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?

1st woman: I Froze to Death.

2nd woman: How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I
began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about
you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband
was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I
found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and
searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and
checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere,
and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

[Fanie]

A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox. The little boy has to go
to take a pee and he was told by his mother to always be polite and
don't talk about private matters in public.
At first he holds it in for a little while because he does not know what
to say to the little girl to excuse himself. Then he remembers what his
Mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table. So he
turns to the little girl and says "Will you excuse me I have to go
powder my nose". And saying that he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to
the washroom.
When he comes back the little girl looks up at him and asks "Did you
powder your nose?" "Yes" said the little boy stepping back into the
sandbox. "Well then" says the little girl, "You'd better close your
purse because your lipstick is hanging out."