BOAT JOKES (we need a few laughs)

[troy2000]

Originally Posted by Fanie

If you haven't growed up at age 50 you don't have to.

Mas, the English are too busy shuffelling snow on the mo. They don't hear anything.

Fifty? Poo....I've made it to sixty, with no end in sight.

[Fanie]

Keep going.... you'll make it

[masrapido]

Ok, since nobody knows boat-related jokes, let me help.

El capitan came out to inspect the midnight shift. He took his chiuahua with him.

Grinning, he entered the bridge and said hello to the crew. He turned to the duty officer and proudly pointed at the dog: "I got this for my wife!"

The officer nodded and said: "Excellent trade, Senor Capitan."

A pirate and his parrot drifting in a boat. Looking through his provisions, the piratefinds the magic lamp. He rubs it and the genie appears, but declares that he's one wish only genie, due to some syndicate dispute still in progress.

The pirate thinks quickly and requests the ocean be rum.

Puff, done. Parrot looked at the ocean, then at the pirate, and then said: "Great, you dumbfuck! Now we'll have to piss'n **** in the boat...!"

A naval officer fell overboard and was rescued by a deckhand. The officer asked the sailor how he could reward him. "The best way, sir," replied the bluejacket, "is to say nothing about it. If the other fellows knew I'd pulled you out, they'd throw me in."

A sailor and a soldier are urinating at a public restroom. The soldier finishes first and washes his hands - the sailor just walks to the exit. So the soldier says to him, "Hey, in the army they teach us to wash our hands after taking a piss." The sailor says, "Yeah, well, in the navy they teach us to not piss on our hands!"

[masrapido]

The First Mate was in a rare mood as he finished drilling the crew. He barked out a final order: "All right, you idiots, fall out!" The men fell out, but one sailor stood firm.

The sailor stared as the First Mate and smiled. "There were a lot of them weren't there sir?

[hoytedow]

Originally Posted by masrapido

The First Mate was in a rare mood as he finished drilling the crew. He barked out a final order: "All right, you idiots, fall out!" The men fell out, but one sailor stood firm.

The sailor stared as the First Mate and smiled. "There were a lot of them weren't there sir?

[hoytedow]

Heard at the Wharton School.

Man sailing along a river in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. Tells the shepherd, "I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock." The shepherd thinks it over; it's a big flock so he takes the bet. "973," says the man. The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right. Says "OK, I'm a man of my word, take an animal." Man picks one up and begins to sail away.

"Wait," cries the shepherd, "Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." Man says sure. "You are an economist for a government think tank," says the shepherd. "Amazing!" responds the man, "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?"

"Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you."

[hoytedow]

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job at a boat company.

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says, "What do you want it to equal"?

[hoytedow]

Politics Defined

SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The state takes one away on a boat and gives it to someone else.
COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The State takes both of them and gives you the milk.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The State takes both of them and sells you the milk.
MILITARY DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The State takes both of them and shoots you.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. The state takes both of them, accidentally kills one and spills the milk in the sewer.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to decide who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".

ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors kill you and take the cows.

[hoytedow]

A civil engineer, a chemist and an economist are traveling in the countryside. Weary, they stop at a small country inn. "I only have two rooms, so one of you will have to sleep in the barn," the innkeeper says. The civil engineer volunteers to sleep in the barn, goes outside, and the others go to bed. In a short time they're awakened by a knock. It's the engineer, who says, "There's a cow in that barn. I'm a Hindu, and it would offend my beliefs to sleep next to a sacred animal." The chemist says that, OK, he'll sleep in the barn. The others go back to bed, but soon are awakened by another knock. It's the chemist who says, "There's a pig in that barn. I'm Jewish, and cannot sleep next to an unclean animal." So the economist is sent to the barn. It's getting late, the others are very tired and soon fall asleep, Bu they're awakened by an even louder knocking. They open the door and are surprised by what they see: It's the cow and the pig!

[hoytedow]

NATURAL RATE OF UNEMPLOYMENT
Newlan's Truism: An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job (for a shipping co).

[hoytedow]

On Board Computer Viruses

INTEREST GROUP ECONOMIST VIRUS - Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.
ECONOMETRICIAN VIRUS - Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of
POLITICAL THINK TANK ECONOMIST VIRUS - Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until next election.
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS - nothing works on your system, but all your diagnostic software says everything is just fine.
MARXIAN ECONOMIST VIRUS - Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to.
SOVIET ECONOMIST VIRUS - Crashes your computer, but denies it ever happened.
MAINSTREAM ECONOMIST VIRUS - It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases then in "self-defense."
CENTRAL BANK ECONOMIST VIRUS - Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
MULTINATIONAL CORPORATION ECONOMIST VIRUS - Deletes all monetary files, but keeps smiling and sending messages about how the economy is going to get better.
SUPPLY SIDE ECONOMIST VIRUS - Puts your computer to sleep for four years. When your computer wakes up, you're trillion more dollars in debt.
NEW ECONOMY VIRUS - Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus." You can wipe it out, but it always makes a comeback.
ENVIRONMENTAL ECONOMIST VIRUS - Before allowing you to delete any file, it first asks you if you've considered the alternatives.

[hoytedow]

These and more are on http://www.nd.edu/~jstiver/jokes.htm

[brian eiland]

The "Old Sailor"

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a retired sailor, 72 years old, and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- a chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts icking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display ike that in my life." He then turns to the retired sailor and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old sailor replies,

"No problem, just get that lion out of there."

[hoytedow]

Speaking of shipwrecks;
There is a man on a boat that is in a shipwreck. The boat crashes on a jungle island and the man is greeted by natives. In the distance, he hears the sound of drums. He asks what the drums are for and the chief answers, "The drums must not stop." The man is forced to stay the night in the natives village. All through the night, the drums keep on going so he got no sleep at all during the night. He got up in the morning and went to the chief again, begging him to know why the drums couldn't stop. The chief answered, "Because, when drum solo stop, sax solo start."

[masrapido]

Back to jokes, this is not the place for political debate:

Young Rodrigo got the job with the foreign shipping company as a deck officer. On the day he is about to go to sea, his father, retired capitan, warned him to be aware of gay marineros.

"But dad, how will I know?"

"Trust me son, you will know."

After 6 months at sea, the ship comes into port. The father was on the dock waiting for his son. The son, seeing his father, got off the ship and shook his fathers hand. "Well son, how did it go?"

"Dad, I found out what you meant about gays. One night I was out on deck all alone when a man came by and put his hand on my shoulder so I threw him overboard."

"But how did you realise he was gay?"

"Well, for 3 days he swam behind the boat yelling 'Throw me a buoy! Throw me a buoy!'"