BOAT JOKES (we need a few laughs)

[westlawn5554X]

The manager of a large shipyard noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

"Jack," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is Jack Darling."

"Okay, Jack, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

[Bergalia]

Not exactly boat jokes - but a selection of one-liners (so I suppose liners count as jokes....)


When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized, God doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'

You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?


Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is 'Walrus', and I am an alcoholic'?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?

Universal Truths

Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly

Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

You never know where to look when eating a banana.

Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed halfway through and then raced against the flush.

Old women with mobile phones look wrong.

You never ever run out of salt.

Old ladies can eat more than you think.

You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.

You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

OK - you can go back to the forum now....

[westlawn5554X]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

[Eric Sponberg]

Chemistry Mid-term exam, University of Washington:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof.

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student wrote the following:


First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates what they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2) Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my freshman year that "It will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then 2) cannot be true, and thus, I am sure that Hell is exothermic.



This student got the only A.

[Guillermo]

Originally Posted by Eric W. Sponberg

This student got the only A.

AA!

Going a little bit further...if Hell is exothermic, we can obtain work out of it. Perhaps the solution to humankind's need of a definite clean source of energy?...Burning ourselves in Hell...?
More: If we do not provide an ever-growing amount of souls to Hell, the system Hell-Humankind will increase it's entropy, and it will come to a thermodynamical death. Kaput...! Finito...! .
That's why we vitally depend on that endless source of souls: Heaven....
And that's why humankind grows and grows, and sails the oceans, and NA's, ME's, Yacht Designers, etc, are hired and earn money to feed their children, before being sent to Hell themselves to keep the system working....!
Cheers!

[Ari]

Originally Posted by Guillermo

AA!

before being sent to Hell themselves to keep the system working....!
Cheers!

There will be an enthalpy point, a point where even with fuel added in there won't be any noticeable change in temperature.

[Guillermo]

Ari,
If, as our student states, Hell keeps its pressure constant not to be broke loose, then Hell is isobaric and the difference in enthalpy (dH) is the maximum thermal energy attainable from the system. That is, the integral of dH over any isobar in state space is the maximum thermal energy attainable from Hell. This is what we could call the heat content of Hell.

If now we keep Hell-Humankind system's entropy (S) at least constant (dS = 0), as to keep it safe from its thermodynamical death, then its dH has to be <= 0, with the equality holding at equilibrium. So the enthalpy for a Hell-Humankind system without the adding of souls will continuously decrease to its minimum equilibrium value.

But following Ms. Therese Banyan's principle , Hell and Humankind are not at equilibrium at all, so the system's enthalpy is increasing. The only way of getting that is by the constant adding of souls to Humankind as the Hell's fuel. That's why we need to include another actor in the Topology of the system: Heaven, as the evergrowing source of souls (particularly NA's and the like), to be sent to Hell....!

Now, the real big question is: If Hell is exothermic and Humankind is endothermic, what the Hell is Heaven....?

[Mychael]

Originally Posted by Guillermo

Ari,
Now, the real big question is: If Hell is exothermic and Humankind is endothermic, what the Hell is Heaven....?

That's sailing around the world, unmolested by pirates, breathing fresh air, in a fast but seaworthy and comfortable boat with a capable and willing( and I do mean "willing") all girl crew.

Mychael

[Ari]

Originally Posted by Mychael

That's sailing around the world, unmolested by pirates, breathing fresh air, in a fast but seaworthy and comfortable boat with a capable and willing( and I do mean "willing") all girl crew.

Mychael

I nearly agree with you about your answers to Guilermo question- after one very solid hypothesis from him but the all girl crew is something very scary to me. Maybe Tahiti and the Tuamotus or sailing in Indonesia with some girls is quite just heavenly enough for me. That is if the two 'dragon' allow me..

[Ari]

Originally Posted by Guillermo

Ari,
If, as our student states, Hell keeps its pressure constant not to be broke loose, then Hell is isobaric and the difference in enthalpy (dH) is the maximum thermal energy attainable from the system. That is, the integral of dH over any isobar in state space is the maximum thermal energy attainable from Hell. This is what we could call the heat content of Hell.

If now we keep Hell-Humankind system's entropy (S) at least constant (dS = 0), as to keep it safe from its thermodynamical death, then its dH has to be <= 0, with the equality holding at equilibrium. So the enthalpy for a Hell-Humankind system without the adding of souls will continuously decrease to its minimum equilibrium value.

But following Ms. Therese Banyan's principle , Hell and Humankind are not at equilibrium at all, so the system's enthalpy is increasing. The only way of getting that is by the constant adding of souls to Humankind as the Hell's fuel. That's why we need to include another actor in the Topology of the system: Heaven, as the evergrowing source of souls (particularly NA's and the like), to be sent to Hell....!

Now, the real big question is: If Hell is exothermic and Humankind is endothermic, what the Hell is Heaven....?

Wow..what a hypothesis man..these bring back my memories of the lecture hall!

[Ari]

I had nearly forgotten the Boyles Law so I won't quote it here but there is these Balls law that I would like to share with all of you guys.Just correct me if I'm wrong on these law.
" The angle between the balls and the shaft will remain perpendicular if the urge remain constant" so incase there is a deviation in urge factor then the angle will change. Not very sure whether this law are needed in doing boat shaft allignment though!

[Poida]

Bergalia me mate,

I stayed awake all night trying to work this out.

Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

It's got me baffled, can you explain it?

Poida

[Bergalia]

Originally Posted by Poida

Bergalia me mate,
'Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.'

It's got me baffled, can you explain it?

Poida

Ah Poida - just shows the disadvantage of a colonial upbringing... It's an old Pommie wive's tale - bit like always wearing clean underpants in case you are run over. Rumour has it that a swan can break a man's arm with a flap of its wings. Repeated each time a kid throws bread at the wildfowl on the park lakes. Ranks I suppose with the Aussie 'drop bear'.

[safewalrus]

and, whilst on the subject of confusion I do not understand the Alcholics Anonymouse bit, your name is NOT Walruss he's to nice to be an Alcoholic (Pi**head Yes, Alcoholic No!) - you know the difference between an Alcoholic and a Drunk don't you? - Us Drunks don't have to attend all these stupid meetings!!!

[Frosty]

What youve never had your arm broken by a swan? When we were at school we always had a day off because of broken arms by swans.