BOAT JOKES (we need a few laughs)

[Bamby]

Fanie it's good enough for me to know you enjoyed some of them. I know some days seem depressing enough I'll go looking for some good jokes to lift the spirits some myself. Glad they also improved your spirits too.

[Fanie]

Most of them are great. Maybe if I give Jeff points he will lift the ban

[Bamby]

One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

'I don't know what to do here,' says the devil. 'You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.'

OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

'No,' OJ said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long.'

The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was George W. Bush with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

'No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,' commented OJ.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton , lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, 'Yeah man, I can handle this.'

The devil smiled and said . . . . .






'OK, Monica, you're free to go.'

[Bamby]

The Best Little Johnny Joke Ever.

Little Johnny:

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.
Who Said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Johnny, a bright
Navajo Indian boy, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he
said.

"Very good! Who said, "Government of the People, by the People, for
the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'"
Again, no response except from Little Johnny. "Abraham Lincoln,
1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.
Little Johnny knows more about history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Indians."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Little Johnny put his hand up. "General Custer, 1862."

At that point, a student in the ba ck said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glared around and asked, "All right!!! Now who said
that!?"

Again, Little Johnny said, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime
Minister,1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Little Johnny jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to
the Teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little ****. If you
say Anything else, I'll kill you."

Little Johnny frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael
Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004."

The teacher fainted.

And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone
said, "Oh ****, we're screwed!"

Little Johnny said quietly, "The American people, November 4, 2008"

[Bamby]

Joe wanted to buy a Harley. He doesn't have much luck until one
day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years
old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such
great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the
Bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It
protects it from the rain.'

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her
parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house,

Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who
Says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a
Huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the
stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the
situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the

table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and
her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom..

'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her
over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way
right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still,
Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to
rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...

Suddenly the father shouted....'OK OK ; I'll do the xxxxing dishes!!!

[masalai]

Bamby, that was a BEAUT "little Johnny" joke but....... "You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Bamby again." - - - - Life is cruel when one is constrained by bureaucratic rules hehehehe.....

[Fanie]

Couple of really nice ones there Bamby

4 5 C, why did you stop

[RHP]

Originally Posted by masalai

Bamby, that was a BEAUT "little Johnny" joke but....... "You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Bamby again." - - - - Life is cruel when one is constrained by bureaucratic rules hehehehe.....

I gave Bamby some points on your behalf old chap which may mean I can now give you and Fanie some now.

[Fanie]

Hi Rest Hin Piece,

I see I can giive you points, so how about that hilarious joke you were saving for this occasion ?

I have to admit, Bamby gets better at this with every post !!!

[RHP]

Which one fanie?

Ed went to see the Doctor. The Doctor asked what was wrong.
"Don't laugh!" said the patient Ed.

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient".

"Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest willy the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Ed replied

[Fanie]

Now that one won't count RHP. It's not complete either. Add the line
'The doctor had to leave the room...'
And if I'm not mistaken it has been up before. NEW ones only

[Fanie]

Male Psychiatry -

Guy goes visiting with his pals. Wife is very PO and instructs the kids not to let him in when he gets home. At one o'clock he bangs on the door.

"Bugger off back to where you come from and go die there" shouts the furious wife from inside.

Man shouts back "No Lovie, I'm not here to come sleep, I just need the 500 bucks in the draw, it's one hell of a nice party..."

Wife opens the door, grabs the guy and pulls him inside. "That will be the day. You are going to get into bed right now !"

(Sounds about like that way when we build boats eh )

[Fanie]

Little Johny and Suzy in grade one played in the sand pit during the break. So after the break the teacher asked them what they did.

"Johny, what did you do during the break ?"

"Suzi and I played in the sand pit miss."

"Ok Johny, if you can spell 'sand' correctly you can go home early."

Johny spel it and off he goes.

"Suzi, what did you do during the break ?"

"Johny and I played in the sand pit miss."

"Ok Suzy, if you can spel 'pit' you can also go home early"

Suzy spel 'p-i-t' and she goes home early.

"What did you do during the break Philamon ?"

"Ehh... ehhh... I wanted to play with Johny and Suzi in the sand pit but they didn't want to play with me..."

"Ok Philamon, if you can spell 'unjustified racial discrimination' you can also go home early..."

[Fanie]

Teacher: Where is your homework?

Johny: I lost it fighting this kid who said you weren't the best teacher in the school...

[Fanie]

Teacher: How much is half of 8?
Johny: Up and down or across?
Teacher: What do you mean?
Johny: Well, up and down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a 0...